by Jean Lorrah
“Yes, I know the rest. Why do you castigate yourself years later for that one moment of shock? Zanos, everyone feels that way if his life suddenly, unexpectedly changes.”
“You don’t understand,” he protested. Ill felt fear of freedom-the same fear that holds me to Vortius now. Astra, a part of me yearns back to my days as a favored slave. After all, what did I have to do with my life except participate in the games, which I loved, keep my body in shape, and worry about nothing except the possibility that my Adept powers might be discovered? You have never been a slave, Astra.
With a kind master, it can be a very… comfortable life.”
“But not for you. Zanos, I know you-”
“I thought I knew myself! But once that drug was in my blood… I saw my true nature. You will see it, Astra, unless you let me out of here before the latest dose wears off. I-this part of me that feels shame-I become weaker every day. Astra, I am not worth the danger you are in.”
“We are in the middle of the savage lands, Zanos. Where shall I go without you?”
Ill don’t know. I only know that I cannot help you.”
“Yes, you can. You have already recognized that it is a part of you that Vortius has trapped. Your mind is still whole. Come-let me show you how to leave your body. Then you will see everything clearly.”
But it was not that easy. Although Zanos was willing to integrate his personality, his depression was such that he could not leave his body. Astra understood-every young Reader faced such apprehensions, and Zanos was not a Reader at all. He feared that he would be completely disoriented, unable to return and regain control of his body.
“Do not fear,” she told him. “Read with me-with me, Zanos. Feel my love for you.”
“Let me hold you,” he responded.
“Yes,” she told him. “Yes-we will be able to hold one another once your body is free of the drug. But I cannot reach you now. You must reach out to me-”
She tried to guide his consciousness out and up, but he simply let her go. She returned, seeking his mind once more. “Zanos, I want you to imagine that you are not inside your head, but that you-the you that observes-are somewhere else.”
Ill don’t understand,” he replied.
The experience-not leaving the body, but observing from some perspective other than right behind one’s eyes-was so common to a Reader that she could not imagine someone who had never done it.
While Astra was searching for another way of explaining, Zanos said, “Do you mean preserving myself inside, as I do for a fight?” and suddenly his point of view was no longer from inside his head, but from somewhere inside his chest.
“That’s it!” Astra told him. “Yes-that’s right-now just follow me upward-”
She Read his surprise as his consciousness came out of his body. “Now free yourself,” she told him.
“Do not feel your body anymore. Tired or rested, hungry or full, drugged or undrugged, it has no hold on your mind.”
For her, it had always felt like floating up and out of herself; for him, it was as if some heavy burden fell away when his mind became separate from his body. Utter freedom rang through his consciousness in joyous peals of laughter, and she joined in. “You have no fear of freedom, Zanos!”
“This is wonderful!” he replied. “Astra-where are you? I… I feel you, but I cannot see you.”
“There is nothing to see. You can see our bodies here in the cavern with us-”
“Why can’t we forget them?” he asked. “Why can’t we just stay like this?”
“Because if we do not return to our bodies they will die-and we will be left as disembodied ghosts, unable to find our way to where the dead belong. No living Reader has ever found the plane of the dead-and returned to tell the way. We have lives to live inside our bodies, Zanos. I have brought you away from yours only so that you may make a difficult decision-to ria your body of the drug Vortius has forced on you.”
“Yes,” he replied at once. “How did I fail to see it, Astra? All I nave to do is use the healing fever-I’ve done it a hundred times to heal battle wounds. I can burn the effects of the drug out of my blood in a few hours!”
“Good. You understand what to do,” she told him. “But can you make yourself want to do it once you are back inside your body? The drug will control you again.”
“How?” he demanded in disbelief. “How can it? I am in control-”
“Now,” she reminded him. “Remember how you felt before you left your body-even when your body was unconscious, it affected you.”
She could feel him wanting to deny that, but she knew from experience what a difference there was between one’s good intentions while free of one’s body, and one’s ability to fulfill them against the body’s demands. “Plan every move, Zanos. Show me exactly what-you are going to do.”
Again he found the skill from his gladiator’s training: visualizing an opponent’s every possible move and his own countermoves, feeling every muscle, every tendon doing its job until the difficult motions became second nature.
Now he tried to feel the way to start the healing fever-and found that he could not. “Astra, I cannot feel anything] Without my body, how can I?”
“But you do not feel those moves you plan with your body, Zanos. You feel them with your mind. Go on-show me how to counter an opponent coming at you with a spear.”
They were in the blazing light of the arena, the sun hot on their/his skin, waves of heat built from exertion rivaling the heat rising from the sand.
Opposite Zanos, a tall, slender but muscled man stood with spear at the ready. He drove straight at Zanos, who sidestepped and whipped his net under the man’s feet with one deft move. A quick tug, and the man went down rolling, but by the time he swung his weapon around-Zanos stood over him, not even breathing hard, trident poised to gut him.
“Spear is not a good choice of weapon for individual combat in the arena,“Zanos told Astra.
“That doesn’t matter,” she replied. “What matters is that you felt your moves. Now, the same way, feel what it is like to start the healing fire through your body.”
That was more difficult; Zanos was not accustomed to visualizing his body at rest. “Wait-I know,” he said, and Astra was suddenly in pain.
It was a familiar pain to Zanos, the scrapes, strains, bruises ignored during the excitement of a bout, which made themselves known as he cooled off afterward. Ill wouldn’t bother with healing fire for just that,” he told Astra, sensing her dismay. “It’s nothing-just the way every gladiator feels after he’s won.”
“I’ll hate to think how they feel after they’ve lost!” she commented.
“Dead, most often,” he replied flatly. “The normal aches and pains ease with some herb tea and a hot bath. But I recall a time my arm was broken-one of the bones in my forearm, but I managed to hide it, for I couldn’t let Lakus know I could heal a broken bone overnight.”
Astra felt with him the throbbing ache of the arm as he made his way back to his small slave’s cell, collapsed onto his pallet, and called up the fire even as with his other hand he forced the bone ends together, adding Adept strength, but having to endure feeling what he did because he could not Read it.
As the heat of Adept healing surged through his arm, Zanos’ pain faded. Probing the arm, he hoped he had set it properly-but he could not be certain until tomorrow. Carefully wedging the swollen arm between two cushions, he lay back and let the healing fire spread through his body as he fell into dreamless sleep.
“Yes!” Astra told him. “That is exactly what you must do! No matter how your body reacts, Zanos, you must set that same healing fire burning through it, until the drug is purged away. Is there… something that must be done to end the fire?”
“No. When all the foreign substance is cleansed from my blood, I will wake up… very hungry, but otherwise in perfect health.”
“Then… we must wait no longer. As you return to your body, be prepared for it to rebel.”
&n
bsp; ” I’ll should be able to control for hours yet. The craving for the drug comes with the dawn.”
“Zanos… “look” at our cave.”
The first pale predawn gray was filtering down into the cavern, where the fire had burned to glowing embers.
“How long have we-?” Zanos broke off in astonishment.
“Several hours,” she told him. “Time has no meaning outside the body. It always feels strange to return.
I will Read with you, help you to remain oriented. Perhaps you can keep from waking up-”
“But I am awake.”
“Your mind is awake. Your body sleeps. I wonder… Zanos, why don’t you try to start the healing fire in your body before you reenter it?”
She Read with him as he concentrated on his own body below them, envisioned the warmth, fever, heat—
Nothing happened.
“It doesn’t work,” he said. I can’t “feel”-imagining it isn’t enough. There is something physical, Astra.”
She Read him observe the growing light. “Stay with me-give me strength to resist the drug craving.”
“I will Read with you every moment,” she promised. “Now, imagine yourself lying just above your body, in the same position. Your body pulls you home… feel your breathing… your heartbeat-”
As Zanos sank back into his physical form, Astra Read the assault of the white lotus in his blood. A cold craving tugged at his mind, trying to force him to seek the substance to fill and warm that icy emptiness.
He denied it-but some part of him yearned for the easy pleasure the drug provided.
“Fight it, Zanos,” Astra pleaded. “Stay in the trance state, so you can Read me.
III can’t-”
His breathing quickened, as did his heartbeat-if he came out of trance, she would no longer be able to project to him.
“The fire!” she told him. “Start the healing fire now, Zanos-cleanse the drug away!”
He was suddenly blank to her Reading.
Of course! The moment he prepared to use Adept power, he became unReadable!
With a roar of anger, Zanos woke, clambering to his feet. “Vortius!” he cried, stumbling out of the cavern into the tunnels, pushing Astra’s body out of his way.
Astra had to let him go while she returned to her body. Because it had been moved, reorientation was difficult. The leaden weight of physical reality hung hard on her as she forced herself to her feet, ignoring bruises where one arm and leg had hit the rock surface.
“Zanos!” she called, letting her Reading range free.
He had gone down one passage in the dark, come to a turning, and was trying to decide which way to go. Groping with arms outstretched, he fell over a knee-high outcropping and sprawled full-length.
Enraged, Zanos bounded to his feet and turned, rumbling his way back to the light from the cavern. He ran to Astra, grasped her by the arms, and shook her. “You will show me the way out, woman!”
“No,” she managed. “No, Zanos! Control yourself!”
He let go the bruising grip on her left arm, lifting his right hand in a threat to backhand her. “Show me!” he growled.
Determined not to be his means of returning to enslavement, she replied, “You may hit me-you may kill me, Zanos, but I will not show you how to get back to Vortius.”
Something in her voice must have told him threats were useless. He let go of her right arm, too, and as she rubbed her tingling flesh he pleaded, “Astra-Read me. Feel what I need. If you love me, how can you do this to me?”
“How can you do this to yourself, Zanos? You have the means to escape that craving. Have you so soon forgotten what you decided during the night?”
“I can’t,” he said, sounding like a stubborn child.
“Of course you can,” she told him. “You have overcome greater pain in the arena. You are brave, Zanos-and you don’t have to suffer for long. Just until you set the healing fire burning through your blood.”
“But I… I-”
She had to Read what he could not bring himself to say: he did not want to give up the pleasure the white lotus provided, glowing relief from care, relaxation of responsibility. It was easy to Read why the drug was so addictive-it took away all concerns, giving the momentary illusion of perfect freedom.
“Zanos-what the white lotus is doing to you now-is that freedom?”
“… no.” But it was a reluctant admission.
“Then free yourself. Clea did it, without your powers to help her. Ignore your pain, Zanos-it’s less than you suffered from a broken arm. Lie down, and call up the healing fire to purge your blood-”
Her hypnotic tones lulled him, and like an automaton he knelt once more, lay down-and saw the sky above the cavern.
“No, Zanos!” Astra cried as once again he jumped to his feet, his blood yearning toward the source of fulfillment.
As she had feared, the climb was not difficult for a man in Zanos’ prime condition. She tried to follow, tearing her hands and bruising her knees and ankles on the rocks-but Zanos was tough and calloused, levering himself easily upward toward the light-toward the freedom which was slavery-toward Vortius!
Chapter Six
Hopelessly, Astra clung to the rock face high above the campfire, out of breath, her limbs aching with the exertion. She could not concentrate in her despair, and so her Reading was wide open, Zanos’ growing hunger for the white lotus turning her insides into a sucking vacuum, screaming to be filled.
“Zanos-wait!” she cried without knowing what she said. “Don’t leave me! Take me with you to Vortius-I will take the white lotus with you.”
He stopped, peering down at her, silhouetted against the growing light. Then he held one huge hand out to her. “Yes, Astra-yes, my love, come with me.”
Unthinking, she scrambled toward him, breath burning in her lungs, arms trembling. She reached for an outcropping, clung to it with her left arm as with her right hand she reached toward Zanos. Her toes lost their purchase, throwing all her weight onto her left arm-which had no strength left.
Zanos’ hand grabbed for hers, missed—
Despite all her volition, her left arm shook uncontrollably. Her elbow straightened and her hand began to slip—
Suddenly, her body was moving without her will, her thrashing right arm captured as if in Zanos’ net and wrapped around the outcropping of rock. She clung in terror, her face against the rock, blood pounding in her ears as she Read the cavern below. It sucked her downward just as the craving in Zanos sucked at him, at them-
“Climb down,” Zanos said. “I will help you, but I cannot lift your whole weight with Adept power.”
“I can’t,” she sobbed, knowing she held on by his will, not her own. She closed herself off to Reading with all her strength, enclosed in a physical world of touch and sound, her eyes squeezed tight as if to shut out the knowledge that she could not remain there, had to do something.
“You must move,” Zanos told her. “Astra, I won’t let you fall-but you have to climb down yourself!”
He climbed down toward her, but there was no ledge at that level wide enough to allow him to pull her to him. “Go on,” he insisted. “Reach down with your left foot… Astra-Read, for Hesta’s sake! Find the hand-and footholds. I promise-I won’t let you fall.”
But she was paralyzed, her head burning with fever, her hands and feet numb with cold. She couldn’t get her breath… until she allowed herself to Read Zanos beside her, ignoring the growing pain in his own body out of his concern for her.
He came back to me!
Leaning emotionally on his strength, she found the courage to Read for a lower foothold, to let go the false safety of the rocky outcropping and grope her way downward, holding her Reading very carefully to her immediate area, lest she be sucked down into that whirlpool again. Each time her physical strength failed, Zanos would blank out of her Reading. Astra felt panic when that happened, but then his Adept strength would hold her, strengthening her trembling limbs until-Z
anos let go! As he fell past her, Astra screamed-and fell—
Into his arms.
He had dropped only a short distance to the cavern floor. Astra, concentrating on her Reading, hadn’t realized they were almost down.
Zanos hugged her tightly, whispering, “You’re all right! Astra, I’ll never let you be hurt-please, don’t cry.
You’re safe now.”
But her tears came from her realization. ” You are all right, Zanos! Oh, my husband, you’ve come back to me!”
He set her on her feet, very carefully, as if she might break. Then he stared at her, blinking, the agonizing cramps ripping through his body at total odds with the joy he felt as he said, “Yes! Astra-you mean more to me than any drug!”
And then he doubled over with the pain.
Astra dropped to her knees beside him, Reading chills shaking him even as sweat beaded his skin.
“Zanos-”
“No-” he gasped. “It’s all right now. Just pain-” He gritted his teeth as a spasm convulsed him. “I know-what to do-about pain.”
He sank down again on the blankets, and this time when his presence disappeared to her Reading, Astra felt the healing fire begin in his chest, spreading outward-a raging fire burning worse than the agonizing cramps. Zanos’ face was a mask of pain as he endured long enough to be sure the fire would continue.
At last, he let himself sleep.
“Thank Hesta,” sighed Astra, sinking down next to him. Her trembling slacked off as she realized the nightmare was over. They were out of the Aventine Empire, and now they were free of Vortius—
Or were they? The gambler would certainly have his men out looking for Zanos by now, and he had to have hours of healing sleep before they could leave. Astra would have to protect him.
How could she do that? She had no strength, no courage…
