by Zoey Foster
“Maddie…Madds, hello. When did I lose you?”
Breaking free of my thoughts I look over and see Jase smiling at me and I return his smile. “Yeah, no I’m here. Not lost. Sorry was just thinking. So do you need me to bring anything on Friday?” I shift in my chair to face him. I want to look in his eyes when he talks to me. His eyes always give me a sense of clarity when I am feeling chaotic. They are my therapy when I am feeling like I need to run. I stare into them hoping they will tell me how he feels when he talks to me. I don’t know how I would be surviving right now if it wasn’t for him. Although it has been a short amount of time since we first met, the connection was there from the first second when we collided into each other It’s sad that he tells me all of the time how he feels, but it doesn’t get old and I want to hear it more now that we are in a really good place. My mom has been the only one who has ever wanted me. “Jase…”
The bell rings, signaling lunch is over. It saves me from stumbling over my words any further and gives me a way out of the conversation. I breathe out in relief and start grabbing my things to get to class. Jase grabs my hands and stops me. I hang my head low knowing he is about to ask me what I was about to say. Shit, what was I thinking? I can say things in my head, but the second it’s time to leave my lips I stutter and the wrong thing comes out.
“What were you going to say?” Jase asks.
He looks at me waiting for me to say something. The intensity of his stare makes me nervous, and I feel am going to say the wrong thing. “It was nothing. No biggie. Let’s get to class.” I plaster on the fakest smile I can manage and reach for his hand as I head to the doors.
I make it through the rest of my day with no more slipups of the tongue. It actually went pretty fast considering how much I am anticipating the end of this school week. I meet Jase at the doors where we always meet to walk to our cars together. He doesn’t let me walk to my car alone anymore. I don’t blame him and I wouldn’t want it any other way. These few minutes alone together is the most time we have been getting lately. The second I see him I feel my face light up. Instantly my heart picks up speed and thumps against my chest. Just seeing him makes me crave his touch. I love the way it feels when we watch each other as we get closer to each other. The way he always hugs me and lifts my feet off the ground and spins me around. The way his gentle lips crash into mine. How he can take all the pain away in just one kiss.
“How long do we have today?” he asks as we lace our fingers together.
“Oh, you know, until the cars clear out of here and I have no excuses left to give Frank.” I am trying to keep an upbeat attitude as we stroll slowly to our cars.
By the time we reach our cars almost all of the other cars are gone and I know I want to stay as long as I can. We briefly talk about our classes and graduation, which he is extremely excited about. He can’t wait to be done with school and take a break before heading off to college. He keeps asking me what my plan is, knowing I won’t be staying. I don’t really have a plan past getting out of here, so I have nothing to give him. Our fifteen minutes alone pass and my anxiety is at an all-time high for fear of getting caught. I give him a kiss and say, “Goodbye”. I unlock my car and get in and head home to keep the peace, so shit doesn’t get out of hand.
Chapter Eighteen
The days seem to drag. I need to get out of this house and see Jase. Just seeing him at school isn’t enough. It’s hard trying to be more than just his friend when the only time we have is around school and the people who hate me there. I have to try and see him outside of school. I know it’s a risk, but it’s a risk I’m willing to take.
Since everything has been so monumental lately, I feel I would like to go get this monumental time of my life made permanent, so I will never forget about it even if I do lose it soon. I need another tattoo. I usually only get them when I need the pain to feel alive. Breathing isn’t enough for me to feel alive. Things are going good and I would like to keep things that way. I try to think of something that is perfect and will be a constant reminder of just how things could go positively if I believe they will. Something I can wake up to every day and see when I’m feeling like I’m losing hope.
I need to think about exactly what I want before I react on it. I do everything irrationally and never think things completely out before I do them. This I am going to make perfect. Something amazing. Something I will never regret. Now I just need to think of something to get me away from this dreaded house and with Jase for more than fifteen minutes after school.
I am getting completely impatient to wait until dinner Friday. I need to see him. I need to feel him. I want more than this crazy messed up situation I have dragged him into. I want to be there for him and show him how strong I can be without him always rescuing me. I want to be everything to him and not just a person who depends on him for their happiness. I want to show him I can handle the life that was dealt to me.
I start to get a plan in my head. By the time I am heading out the door to school, I think I have everything figured out. For the first time, I leave the house with the biggest smile on my face. I am starting to learn what is important to me and what is not. Jase is more than important, Dixon and Frank can go rot in hell. I am done with my fear of them paralyzing me.
As I drive to school I go over every detail of my plan to get out for a bit. I make sure all my t’s are crossed and all my i’s are dotted. I can’t leave out the tiniest detail. I plan on texting Frank that I have a project I have to work on. If he is as untrusting as I know he is, I will have to make some papers up to show him work if I am approached. I hope it doesn’t get that far. I have been making sure I have been at his beck and call every second I’m at home. I always answer his calls if I’m not home. I haven’t given him a reason to think I’m doing anything wrong. So I think this is something I can get away with.
The second I pull into the parking spot next to Jase I hop out more enthusiastic than I have ever been. I make my way up to his window, knocking on it for him to come out. I need to share this good news with him. I am bouncing on my toes and I wearing a shit eating grin on my face. Everything I am experiencing is new, but it feels fucking fantastic. The second he opens the door I start rambling “Guess who gets to hang out with you today after school?” I say as fast as I can get it out. He looks at me like I have gone crazier than I already am.
“I’m guessing it’s you. How did you manage that?”
He looks ecstatic and I’m sure we are sporting the same smiles. He grabs me by the waist pulling me close to him, firing off the fireworks. “I concocted a little fib about a project I have to do after school. I’m just going to text Frank and tell him I have to finish it before I come home because it’s worth more than half my grade. There really isn’t anything he can say. We’re home free today. Now what do you want to do?” I ask as I reach up on my toes and kiss his cheek. I’m sure I’m blushing after I kiss him because of the heat that is radiating off of my cheeks.
As I lower myself down from my tippy toes he grabs my hand and gives me a kiss on my forehead. It’s the sweetest gesture and makes my heart melt. I just want to stay here in his arms.
“What did you have in mind? I’m down for anything really.”
I really want to get a new tattoo, but I don’t think it would be much fun for him to sit and watch me get one. I have never had anybody watch or come with me, but I was thinking since he is such a huge piece of my life that maybe I would let him in a little more. That’s if he wanted to.
“I see you’re thinking about something already. You know it shows on your face when you’re thinking a little too hard,” he says tapping on my temple.
Nothing goes unnoticed by him. It’s scary that he can see things in me nobody else has ever noticed, but that is something I love… I mean like about him. Crap, did I just think that again? I really need to sort out these feeling I have. I couldn’t love him, could I? I mean I haven’t known him that long. Is two months too soon? How do I even know wh
at love is? I am sure everyone gets these crazy feelings when they first meet someone they have a connection with.
The only thing that makes me worried is that I trust him. I trust him with my life and with everything that has happened to me. I trust him take the pain and make it bearable, making me feel like another day is worth living. Making me feel that anything is possible. He looks at me like I’m a person who is worthy of his time and feelings. He is so much more than a friend to me and I can’t wait to show him how happy he makes me. “Maybe, I just thought that you might want to go with me to get a tattoo? I mean you don’t have to get one, but I need one. But, if you don’t want to we can do something else,” I say bashfully.
“You know what? Yeah, I would love to go with you. Can we stop first and get something to eat? How much time do we have?”
“We have time to grab something first. I don’t care. Let’s just do it. I’m not worried about it,” I try to convince myself. I silently tell myself to not think about it. This is for you. Just do it. “Let’s get to class so we can hurry up and get out of here,” I say to Jase.
After a long day of trying to focus, school is finally over. We meet at our cars and go to grab some food. “We need to go out of town a little bit because I don’t want to get caught. I’m starting to think I’m being followed.”
He doesn’t give me grief about it and we head to a small restaurant about twenty minutes away from our school. It seems like we have gone far enough out of the way and I can finally relax.
We are seated in a booth in the back. I welcome the privacy. Jase doesn’t sit across from me but instead sits right next to me so our knees are touching under the table. I do nothing to move away. I want to get closer. I look through my menu, hoping that will calm the stirring in me. He drops his hand to my thigh and I feel myself trembling from the contact.
“So what are you going to have?” Jase asks like his hand is just perfectly normal sitting on my thigh.
I can’t even think about what I want. All I can do is picture his hand and how it would feel to have it somewhere else. “A salad,” I blurt out. A salad, really? He must think I’m one of those girls that doesn’t like to eat in front of guys. I don’t really even know if I am one of those girls because this is all new to me. I mean we ate some fast food once together.
“A salad it is. Why are you so nervous? Am I making you nervous?” he asks with a sly wink as he rubs my leg.
It feels like two sticks being rubbed together, trying to ignite a flame that grows uncontainable in me. It spreads like wildfire in my body and I shift trying to relive this urge to reach out and touch him.
Chuckling he says, “I’ll move my hand if it makes you feel better.”
He starts to take his hand away. My hand slams down quickly on his to keep it where it is. “No! It’s fine. Actually, it’s nice. Just give me a second to get used to this. I am new at all of this. Sorry if I am freaking you out, but please don’t move your hand,” I say as I look deeply into his eyes. Breathe in and out I repeat in my head. This is going fine.
As soon as we place our orders Jase turns in his seat, trapping me with his eyes. I sit still not wanting to miss a thing.
“You’re so beautiful. How did I get so lucky?”
I bust up laughing. Like choking on my own spit laughing. When I see a glare forming I compose myself. I slam my mouth shut. “Sorry,” I say feeling like a complete ass. Wasn’t I just the one who was wanting to know how he felt about me?
“I’m pretty sure I have said this before, but please don’t put yourself down around me. It pisses me off. You are so used to people giving you fucked up looks and not treating you the way they should be, but I will be damned if I let you tear yourself down. I have twenty/twenty vision. I can see pretty damn well. Can I finish what I was saying now without you laughing?”
Stunned into silence all I can do is nod my head in agreement with wide eyes, but damn if he didn’t look seriously hot putting me in my place I might have lost my shit with that one.
“Like I was saying, other than being beautiful, you are the most caring person I know and selfless. You go through hell just to keep everything going for that asshole’s personal gain. You take the brunt of shit and I’m so sorry for that. I never want to see you hurt like that again. I promise to do everything I can to make it better for you. What you mean to me is more than I ever thought possible. I hated moving here to an empty house and no familiar faces. You, Maddie, make it so much easier. I go to sleep dreaming of getting you out of here. I will get you out of here. I will do everything in my power to make you whole again. If I have to I will spend the rest of my life healing the wounds. You just have to let me. Being here with you isn’t enough for me. I want all of you. Every last drop, until you trust me to fix this and I will. You still aren’t giving me everything, I know, but that just makes me want to work harder for you. I feel like my heart is freefalling off a rock and the only one who can catch me is you. You know you have my heart Maddie, don’t you?”
Holy shit, not what I was expecting him to say. If I don’t say something I might mess this all up. Think Maddie, think. “Um, thank you?” Why did that come out as a question? I’m so bad at putting my feelings out there. I have no clue what to say and don’t know how to word things that I want to express to him. It’s like everything I have been thinking for days gets all jumbled and doesn’t know how to come out straight. I’m afraid to open my mouth, scared of saying the wrong thing when what he just said was perfect.
“Okay” he drags out. “That’s all you got? I thought we were making progress.”
He sounds defeated. “No, wait. That’s not it. I just…It’s hard for me to put this into words. Is it hot in here? I’m really hot,” I say as I am fanning myself as fast as I can with the menu, trying to keep the pink out of my cheeks. The truth is, I am completely hot for him after his confessions. If we weren’t in a public place I might not trust myself around him. “Are you hungry? I’m not feeling like eating much anymore. We can stay if you really want to.” I have completely lost my appetite for my food. My stomach is in total chaos and I don’t know if I could even get a bite down with the tornado that is ripping through it. “You know, I’m not really hungry anymore. Let’s get out of here,” I say as I grab my bag and make my way out of the booth we were secluded in.
The privacy vanishes and I feel exposed and raw once we are walking through the restaurant. I walk fast past Jase as he apologizes to the server about leaving. I instinctively walk to Jase’s car. As soon as I hear the car unlock I hop in, unsure of what is going on but sure of my feelings at this moment. I need to get him alone. If I can’t verbally tell him how I feel I know the urges I have can do all the talking necessary. The second his door closes I pray his windows are tinted. I lunge at him with my mouth being the aggressor and my hands working hard for his shirt. It feels like an out of body experience. I tell the voices in my head to fuck off. As I take his mouth, hoping I’m making this enjoyable for him, I slide my hands under his shirt and feel the strong lines of his muscles, that only pushes me more. It’s like they are saying come and get me, see if you can handle this. Jase seems to be enjoying this as much as I am.
His hands drift under my shirt on my back, working soft strokes that make my skin tingle. His hands start to get stronger as he is gripping my sides. As my hands fist his hair, I instinctively start moving my body trying to get closer to him. I need to feel him. I need this. I need to know I am wanted. As I try to get as close as possible I feel him growing harder as I am moving my hips. The friction is doing things I feel ashamed to even think of. As I climb higher, I feel this need that I have to keep going…that something will give to make me feel better. I push down a fraction harder as the building intensifies. The combination of hungry kissing and rubbing sends me spiraling out of control. I ride out each wave of pure blissful pleasure as I pant hard and try to catch my breath. The moment I come down from the highest peak I drop my head to his chest shielding my face.
“Fuck,” he says as he tries to catch his breath in an attempt to slow his beating heart.
I can feel it with my cheek that’s pressed firmly on his chest. Suddenly confused I say, “Was that what I think it was?” I ask as my embarrassment grows heavy.
“If by that you mean the big O, than yeah it was.”
Shit, that did not just happen. It’s like someone took over my body. I don’t even know how this happened. This was not supposed to happen. Yes, I wanted a great day hanging out, but I never thought this was going to happen. I have to get out of here. I can’t even look at him right now. I am more mortified than I have ever been. I’m sure he has done things like this before. I would be stupid to think he hasn’t, but it’s just not something I have ever done. I jump back to my seat and smooth my hair down and say to him without even looking at him, “I think I’m going to pass on the tattoo today. I’m actually not feeling to well right now. I’m gonna head home.”
“Maddie, it’s okay. Don’t go. You have nothing to be embarrassed about.”
I shudder at how dirty I feel. I feel vile just like I did when I got out of that house after being used and tortured by Dixon. “Jase, I’m leaving. I’m sorry, but I need to go.” I flee the car and run to mine. Jase jumps out of the car to run after me, but I’m already reversing out of my spot. He runs to the front of my car to stop me from leaving. I can barely look at him. I drive around him and I hear him yell.
“Maddie!”
It’s too late, though. I’m already driving away.
Chapter Nineteen
I haven’t slept a wink since the whole car thing with Jase. I’m so embarrassed. I don’t even know how we got there, or I got there. The powerful words he said to me at lunch brought on a side of me I never knew I had. It was this crazy passion that took over, wanting to get as close to him as possible. I have never acted in such a way. Jase has sent me several messages since I left, but I haven’ responded yet. I need to just remain calm and to keep my emotions in check.
