"I'm sorry, too. I think it's safe to say we were equally guilty. You . . . made me feel- I wanted-"
Deeply flustered, she released a shuddering sigh. Her fingers clutched the arms of the chair like a lifeline. And Jake felt even worse. He'd done this to her. What she was about to tell him was critical. Yet, all he could think about was how Jenna would have finished that sentence. How had he made her feel? Had she burned for him, the way he had for her? Was she haunted by the memory of his touch, the way he was tormented by hers?
"I want to stay. . . very much. And– I love working with you, too."
The huge, endlessly blue eyes reflected confusion. Dammit, he'd done this. She was so smart. She was caring and strong. And so beautiful she made him ache. Why? Why did she have to be married?
"I enjoy working with you too much to let a– misguided attraction . . . blow it for us. I truly admire you– what you've done with Specialty . . . and I'd like to see it grow." Jenna actually smiled when she glanced up again. "It's nothing we can't handle, right? I'm positive we can work through it. . . and I know it will never h-happen again."
Right. Apparently, he was the only one having trouble breathing. Jen actually seemed relieved. Inhaling a deep breath, Jake released it slowly. This was good, he reminded himself. This is how their relationship had to be. He could control it– the torture he experienced when he thought of them together. Lock it away. Bury it deep, so it couldn't resurface. Once he had someone else to focus on, this stupid thing for Jen would be manageable. Hell, he'd probably end up feeling nothing but friendship for her. There were plenty of women out there who were available. He just needed to find one– fast. Because there couldn't be any more mishaps with Jenna. Relief flooded him as he remembered Beth. Tomorrow night, he had Beth- dammit, Bev. He had Bev lined up.
"About tomorrow– if you don't mind, I'd like to keep my word to the kids." When Jenna's eyes widened he knew she'd forgotten about their plan to spend the day together.
"Oh– no. . . you don't have to. I mean. . . they'll understand if-"
"No, Jen. They won't understand. They'll remember I didn't keep my promise. And I hate to think I'd be letting them down. They probably get enough of that from-" Too late, Jake realized what he was saying, and more importantly– to whom he was saying it.
"From who, Jake? What do you mean?"
"Nothing. It's none of my business." Shifting uncomfortably, he watched her cheeks go cherry red again, this time from anger. "I shouldn't have said that." Christ- What was it about her that made him say such stupid things? Why the hell had he opened his mouth?
"I do the best I can– r-raising my kids," Jen stammered as she rose from the chair, her movements jerky. "It must be nice– sitting there . . . judging me. When you've never done it yourself."
"Jen– please." He rounded the desk, knowing if she walked out that door he'd never see her again. "Please forgive me," he pleaded. "You're an incredible mom. God– anyone can see that. I'm so sorry." His heart beating too fast, he swallowed around the lump of misery. "I. . . I know how much the kids miss Rick. I'm not blind to the fact that Alex likes spending time with me. I just wish . . . for your sake– he was around more."
She'd frozen, half-rising from the chair, looking dangerously close to bursting into tears. Instead of speaking, she bit down on her lower lip. From the way it trembled, Jake knew he didn't have long. . . and God help him if she started crying. If he had to comfort her- If he had to touch her- Jesus, he wouldn't be able to stop.
"There's something you don't know. Something I-I should h-have told you a long time ago. Rick is gone-"
"You don't owe me an explanation," he interrupted. "Your marriage is not my business." The strain in her husky voice made his chest ache with regret. Jake heard the unshed tears she fought to rein in, the sound of it washing over him, making him furious with himself for hurting her.
"I was totally out of line. You have every right to hate me for that. But, don't let my rudeness-" He swallowed hard as he groped for the right words. He couldn't bear the thought of making it worse. "Please don't let your anger with me be the reason you cancel. Please, Jen. I don't want Alex and Meg to think-"
He reached out carefully, afraid of what would happen if he touched her, yet more afraid of what would happen if he didn't. "I don't want them to think I bailed. They want to go so badly."
"I know." The words came out woodenly, but the expression in Jen's eyes bordered on despair. She was feeling the pressure from her kids, too. That much was obvious. He held his breath when he took her hand in his and gave it a little squeeze.
"Would you mind if we still went out to the farm? We don't have to go for the whole day. I mean. . . we could keep it short. That way, I keep my promise, and you don't have to kill your whole day with me."
"N-no. Of course, we'd like to go. The kids have talked about it all week," she admitted. Tugging her hand free, she straightened her jacket. Jake suspected she couldn't wait to break for the door.
"It– it'll be fun. I mean. . . the kids will love it. If you don't mind-"
"I don't."
"Right. Okay." Jen edged closer to the door, ready to bolt. "I guess we- uh. . . we'll see you in the morning. What time would you like us to be ready?"
"How does eight sound? That too early?"
"Eight will be fine. W-would you like to have breakfast with us? I promised Al I'd make French toast. It's his favorite. I know he'd . . . be thrilled if-" She swallowed hard, the dread on her face hard to ignore. "If you were there."
He forced a smile when she glanced back. Jen looked as though she'd rather swallow shards of glass than remain with him another second. "That'll be great. I'll see you in the morning."
Chapter 10
Jenna barely slept, bolting awake several times during the night from the same awful dream. She was in a dark hole. Able to see the light at the top, but every time she tried to climb out, the sides grew more slippery and the earth moved under her feet. . . sinking her a little deeper with each attempt.
At five, she finally gave up. With a shiver of apprehension, she threw herself into the shower. It would probably take an hour to figure out what to wear. What did one wear on a casual date with her boss? On a date where neither party could bear the thought of being near the other? What was she doing? She could barely look at Jake without thinking about that kiss. About that incredible, awful kiss. Without thinking about how much she wanted to do it again.
What if she said something stupid? Gave herself away? What if Jake figured out she was in love with him? A whole day spent in his company. Anything could happen. What if Megan decided to play matchmaker again? Or worse. What if one of them mentioned Rick? He'd been dead six months– but gone from their lives nearly eighteen. The kids rarely ever spoke of him. But time spent with Jake made them think about fathers. He made them realize what they were missing. How would it look if he learned the truth from her children?
Jenna frowned as she stepped out of the shower. No, he had to hear the truth from her. She would have to forsake privacy and dismantle the wall of lies she'd built around herself. For the sake of her relationship with Jake, she would confess. She didn't like knowing she'd lied to him. He deserved the truth. The knowledge of her deceit was bad enough, but the likelihood of exposure had magnified greatly since he'd befriended her children. She'd never asked them to lie about their father. The subject of her dead husband had surfaced so rarely, he hadn't been an issue until now.
She'd tried to confess the truth the night before, when Jake accused Rick of being an absentee father. She'd wanted to tell him the night of the kiss . . . if he'd stuck around long enough to hear her confession. But he hadn't wanted to listen.
Jen paused as she slipped a turtleneck over her head. Why was that? Why hadn't Jake wanted to hear what she needed to confess? Did he care so little about her that it didn't matter? The personal details of her life weren't important to him? Well, this time, he would listen. "Today," she muttered. There would cert
ainly be plenty of time. But how the heck would she bring it up?
"By the way, Jake– I lied when you hired me. I'm not really married. So, when I attacked you the other night– it wasn't really cheating. It was because I haven't had sex in four years." Grimacing, she tugged on her jeans. Great. She wasn't unfaithful– only desperate and pathetic. She chewed her lip in apprehension. How would Jake take the news? He'd probably be disappointed in her. Maybe angry. But, what if he questioned her motives? What was her reason for telling him now? Would he think she was suggesting an affair? Why now– when she could have told him any number of times over the past four months?
Instead of making their situation better, she might make it worse. Not only had she lied, but by telling Jake now he might assume she wanted something from him.
"Damn." Yanking the closet door open, she rooted around for the hair dryer. Maybe she should keep her mouth shut until she could distance herself from that kiss. Once a little more time passed, she could quietly inform him she was divorcing Rick. That way– the kiss and the divorce would be completely separate events. There'd be no way he could presume she'd left Rick to pursue a fling with him.
Judging by his reaction last night, he wouldn't ask any questions. Jake definitely didn't like getting involved in his employees' lives.Everyone would win. She could finally come clean. The worry over her boss learning about Rick from someone else would disappear. The repugnant details of the humiliating life she'd escaped would be forever sealed. Jake would never find out. Jen would preserve the reputation she'd worked so hard to build.
Winking at her image in the mirror, she released a satisfied sigh. Finally, a workable plan. What could a few more weeks hurt?
***
"Hi Jake!"
"Hey, Sport. You ready to find the best Christmas tree in all Virginia?"
"Yeah. And I'm gonna be the one to find it!"
Stepping into the foyer, Jake breathed in the delicious smells emanating from the kitchen. He hadn't taken two steps before his stomach began rumbling. Who was he kidding? Despite the tension between him and Jen . . . he'd been looking forward to this day all week. And he was starving.
"Hi, Jake," Megan called from the dining room. She was busy pouring juice into glasses that looked awfully fancy for a Saturday morning breakfast. He waved back before summoning his courage to enter the kitchen and face her mother.
Sweet God, she looked good. Her back still to him, he stole a glance at Jen's denim-clad rear end. And legs. His eyes did a double-take. She had legs worthy of fighting battles. He'd suspected as much. Hell, he'd dreamed of them. The conservative, boxy suits she wore at work couldn't hide the hints of a body that kept him awake at night. Clenching his hands at his sides, he took a careful step closer and bit back a sigh.
Damn, she smelled even better. He was caught off-guard when she glanced over her shoulder. Vivid, blue eyes seemed able to see straight into his head. Quickly shuttering his expression, he prayed she couldn't see through his sunglasses.
"Morning. Whatever you're making sure smells great." There. Normal, everyday conversation. He could do it. At least if he kept talking, it would stop him from nibbling the dangerously sexy nape of her neck. "Anything I can do to help?"
Jen offered a smile before turning back to the stove. "Everything's under control here. Maybe you could pour coffee?"
"Coming right up." She didn't seem nervous and for that, he was relieved. Maybe they'd get through the day unscathed. Moving to her left, Jake opened the cabinet, not even realizing he knew where the mugs were. He'd remembered from the last time he'd visited. Tuesday. The night of the kiss. He hurriedly moved away from her. The coffee maker was at the far end of the counter. And right now, he needed some distance.
A moment later, he nearly jumped out of his skin when she placed her hand on his arm. His whole body tensed when she stood on tiptoe, leaning in to whisper in his ear. Jake nearly groaned with pleasure. Was she trying to kill him?
"Make sure you compliment Meg on the table. She's been setting it for an hour because you were coming over."
He released a ragged sigh when she chuckled and drifted away. "I noticed she was using some pretty nice crystal for the juice."
"I think she has a crush on you."
"At least someone does these days." His heart already thudding in response to the casual banter, he promptly tossed out the resolution he'd made to keep his distance. Jen was relaxed, her walls temporarily down. More than anything, he wanted to spend the day with her. To learn what she was really like . . . under that formal reserve. Maybe she'd lower her guard a little. Her hair was wavy and loose, held back by a ponytail that fell past her shoulders.
He'd be fine, Jake reminded himself. He was completely under control. His desire placed under a firm chokehold. And he'd make it– just so long as she didn't touch him again.
***
The day was passing too fast. As Jake suspected, the kids were having a blast. Jen, too. She'd been smiling and laughing all morning. Inch by inch, she'd let her hair down, seeming to forget– at least for the day, what had passed between them. Shamelessly, he was drinking it in, careful not to say anything that might cause her to clam up.
True to his word, Alex had found the perfect tree, but he'd yet to convince his sister. And Megan refused to concede.
"I can't cut it down until you both agree," Jake announced in an attempt to stop the argument. They both turned to stare at him, stunned silent for a moment. He winked at Jen. "My brother and I come out here each spring to plant new trees. We always replace the ones we cut down. So, I'm not chopping one down, only to have you find one you like better. It takes nine years for a seedling to grow into a Christmas tree."
"What's your brother's name again?" Megan seemed to have forgotten her argument with Alex.
"Jefferson. He's my younger brother, just like Al."
"And your real name's Jackson. Your cousin's name is Harrison?"
"Uh-huh." Glancing over her head, he nodded to the next hill. "Have you guys checked that hill over there? I thought we had a couple beauties growing just beyond that rise." Alex didn't wait to hear the rest. He tore off, intent on checking out the trees while Megan hung back, a question still in her eyes.
"Your dad's name is Lincoln, right? And what about your uncle? What was his name?"
"Megan– it's not polite to ask so many questions."
Jake shook his head with a smile. "It's okay. I think she's onto something." Crouching to her eye level, he watched Megan, who had picked up a stick and was drawing circles in the snow at their feet.
"My uncle's name was Buchanan. What's familiar about all those names?"
"They're all presidents. All of you are named after presidents," she announced smugly.
He laughed when Jenna did a double-take. "That's right, Smartie. Even your mom didn't catch that." He was rewarded with a victorious smile before Meg dropped her stick and took off after her brother, who was waving at them from the top of the hill.
"We called him Uncle Bucky for short."
Jen cracked up. "If he was anything like Harry, I can't imagine he enjoyed that."
He grinned. "You're very astute."
"I never put it together," she muttered. She raised her gaze to his. "What a cool idea. How many generations has that been going on?"
"My grandfather was Cleveland Traynor. His brother was Fillmore, of all things." He wrinkled his nose. "Thank God that one was already taken by the time I came along. My great-grandfather was Johnson. . . after Andrew, not Lyndon."
"Johnson Traynor? Sounds prestigious."
"Linc has another brother, Grant. He was never part of Specialty. Lives in northern Maryland. They have six kids– all involved in their own family business."
She startled. "All with presidential names?"
"Nah. Uncle Grant didn't get along with Grampy Cleveland, so he went against tradition." They started walking again as a gust of wind shook snow from the trees overhead. In a pine-scented storm, the icy
crystals drifted down around them, falling with soft plops into the wet piles on the ground. "You cold?"
"Not yet. It's beautiful here. So quiet. How many acres did you say your family owns?" Jenna's breath puffed out in little white clouds in the chilly air.
"A few hundred . . . give or take. It's a great place for kids. I loved it here when we were growing up. Jeff and Harry and I would come out here in the summer to camp in these woods. We still love it– just don't get out here as much as we'd like."
"You know, it's only forty-five minutes from Stafford– have you ever thought about commuting from here?"
He smiled. "All the time. But. . ." He tilted his head, squinting into the painfully clear sky to track a pair of hawks soaring overhead. He followed their path until they were out of sight. "I'd have some serious work to do on the cabin. It's fine the rest of the year, but winter's really cold unless you keep the fire going 'round the clock."
"It seems large enough. You must have four or five bedrooms in there." Jen clapped her hands together to ward off the cold as they tramped up the hill.
"Six actually. We still spend Christmas out here every year. Everyone comes out for a few days . . . my sister and her family. . . Harry, Jeff. Even Mona still comes. She decorates like crazy and cooks enough food for an army. We end up lighting all the fireplaces and wearing lots of layers."
"That sounds amazing." Shaking her head, she smiled. "I hope you realize how lucky you are."
Jake didn't miss the wistfulness in her voice. Her eyes had been teasing, but her smile was sad. Crossing his fingers, he took a tiny step. "What about your family? Get together much for the holidays?"
Raising her hand to her eyes, Jenna gazed up the hill at Alex. "No. My parents are gone-"
"I'm sorry. Was that recent?"
Still not looking at him, she seemed to weigh her words. "Drunk driver. I was– I'd just left school . . . to marry Rick. They were . . . not pleased."
Trusting Jake (Blueprint To Love Book 1) Page 14