by Hiba Basit
But sitting on the grass isn’t going to get me what I want. I want more than anything to reach the gate. With an almighty heave, I force myself back up and start walking again.
And finally, it’s in front of me, a strong, tall slab of iron, which has left behind a russet surface. I place my hands on the cold metal and smile. It’s solid and sturdy, blocking the view of the world behind it.
‘Unde te duci?’ All of a sudden, I hear a loud shout, making me jump back. After a moment, another shout echoes, urgency in their voice. ‘Haide. Haide!’
There are people behind the gate. I rush forward and bang on the gate but I’m too late, the car doors slam shut and the engine dies away. My heart races as I stand there, shocked and breathless. No one has ever heard voices behind the gate because no one ever comes to the woods behind it. The entrance to the woods has been closed for a long time. I start to feel sick at the thought that there’s normal life nearby. I had convinced myself the orphanage was all there was.
Then, I realise something else. I had a chance to get away and I didn’t. If I had screamed for help, they would have heard me.
Do I want to stay here? Is it my Fate or my stupidity that wants me to suffer? Maybe I was a bad girl in my past life and this is my punishment. There must be a reason.
And I suddenly realise the truth. I don’t want to be saved by normal people. I don’t want normal people to find out what I’ve done, what’s been done to me.
All I want is Mummy. If she’s dead, then the only way I can reach her is if I die too.
***
Abigail turns from the window as Felix enters the office. ‘What a lovely day,’ he says, grinning at her. He spreads his hands out and inhales sharply, reminding Abigail of her yoga instructor.
‘Yes. It doesn’t get much hotter than this,’ she replies.
‘One hundred and twelve degrees to be precise! I checked it up on the news first thing this morno.’
‘Is that why you’re in swim shorts?’ She motions to his bare legs, appearing from beneath his crocodile-printed pink shorts.
He looks down. ‘Er… I’m coming from the beach! I swear, the plan was to get changed before you saw me.’ The fact that he’d walked straight into her office wasn’t Felix being mindless; it was just that his office was only accessible through hers. He was hoping she’d be out to lunch.
‘Well, it seems like you come from the beach a lot! It really isn’t fair! I have to come in these.’ She pulls at her full-sleeve blouse and pencil skirt. ‘And you get away with a pair of swim shorts and nothing on top. How’s that for gender equality?’
He ambles over to her. ‘We could always cut these sleeves, show a bit more of this skin…’ but she slaps his hand away.
‘Stop it!’ she snaps, pretending to rearrange her Post-It notes.
‘Crabby, aren’t we today?’ he teases. It irritates her, the way he can get under her skin so quickly with his carefree presence. She purposely stands taller and flashes him a steely glance.
‘We haven’t found anything on Green Orphanage for nearly five months,’ she says crossly. ‘Felix, we won’t succeed if we don’t finish the work we’re supposed to, when we’re supposed to.’ In the silence that follows, her gaze impulsively lands on the lining of hair vanishing beneath his shorts.
‘OK,’ he says, somewhat chastened.
Her face flushes with exhaustion. ‘Fine,’ she grouches, reaching for her keys. She knows she should let it go but, for some reason, the right words don’t surface. ‘I’m off to get lunch,’ she barks, heading for the exit. ‘And, Felix, it’s morning. Stop using abbreviations that don’t make sense.’
As she walks down the corridor, he listens to the drum of her heels and then the restive tap of her fingers as she waits for the elevator. ‘Now she goes out to lunch!’ he groans, resting both of his hands behind his head.
The next day, Abigail grabs two cups of coffee on her way to work. She walks straight into Felix’s office to find him hastily talking into the phone. She lingers for a bit, running circles with her finger around her cup. When she gets tired of waiting, she slams his cup on the desk, the cold cream instantly spilling over the sides. She isn’t really angry with him, yet the action somehow feels necessary.
He looks up at her, finally putting the phone down.
‘Hi, Gail.’
‘Hey!’ She slides his cup forward, keeping her index finger rested on the opening of the lid. ‘So, it’s Tuesday. Shall I come around yours after work?’
‘Sure,’ he replies, after a tentative pause.
She flinches. ‘Do you want me to come?’
He hesitates again. ‘Not tonight,’ he says. He’s no longer looking at her but she wonders if he can still see her from the corner of his eye. She feels stung that he doesn’t want to have sex with her tonight. Taking a seat opposite him, she places her drink down, her face failing to hide her disappointment. He starts to dial another number.
‘I thought you wanted what I wanted,’ she says.
He hangs up before anyone answers. A few moments later, he shakes his head as if he’s realised something. ‘I don’t,’ he says firmly.
‘It’s just a bit of fun.’
He smiles a sad smile. ‘I really don’t feel the way you do. Today,’ he adds, feeling the weight of his words settle around them.
She stands up, deterred. ‘Well, that’s fine. I can always get someone else to feed me,’ she teases, attempting to counter her humiliation and hurt, although she feels like she’s lost something valuable all at once. He laughs hoarsely as she walks out and then drops his head in his hands.
‘It’s not just a game for me, Gail,’ he whispers, slipping his head onto the desk.
Later in the day, Abigail and Felix sit in his office, working on the Green Orphanage case for the fifth consecutive month. They sit side by side, their backs against one another, opening and examining the stacks of files sprawled across the desk and inside the boxes around them. Vigilantly shifting through papers entailing procedural visits, inspections, background information on the orphans and a plot layout of the orphanage and surrounding areas, Abigail sighs and lifts the papers closer, as if material proximity will help her to find what she is searching for.
Although they worked for children residing in Australia, their manager had summoned both her and Felix six months ago and informed them of a novel case that he wanted only the two of them to work on from their division. Trusting them to keep the details confidential, he revealed that the case materialised in rather unusual circumstances, first of all because it was not based in Australia, and secondly, because someone had anonymously funded them with a large sum of money to start the case on Green Orphanage. Because they hadn’t wanted to pass an opportunity to be key participants in an international case, they had agreed on the terms of the contract and refrained from asking further questions.
Felix turns to Abigail now, clearly having second thoughts.
‘If we don’t find evidence, we can’t get a warrant at the orphanage. We can keep on interviewing the nurses, but it’s turning into harassment!’
‘I know,’ she sighs, her voice sounding more reserved than she intended. For a reason she can’t pin down, she’s still thinking about their earlier discussion. Turning to Felix now, she frowns.
‘Don’t you think it’s weird that they’ve allowed us to see the children and they look fine? No bruises, no scars, pretty much healthy and smiling. It doesn’t make any sense.’
‘They’ve allowed us to see a selected range of children,’ he corrects.
‘So?’
‘They’ve allowed us to observe selected sites,’ he continues, ignoring her question.
‘What do you expect? You can’t go probing around places basing your assertion on theory.’ He waits, hoping there’s a ‘but’ at the end. When Abigail remains silent, he quickly spins around to face her.
‘What are you saying?’ he asks, waiting to hear his thoughts confirmed.
‘Nothing,’ she says dismissively.
‘Say it. You’re not one to keep your mouth shut!’
She flashes him a vulgar stare but answers. ‘We started off with a point. We had direction. I think we’ve got lost along the way. I think there’s nothing happening at the orphanage. They’re doing their job and they’re doing it well.’
Felix is gobsmacked. His mouth hangs open, reminding her of a string-controlled puppet.
‘Doing their job? Doing it well?’ He is seething with shock. ‘When we visited last month, did they brainwash you?’
‘Now you’re just being ridiculous!’ He leans in towards her and within seconds, his face is over hers. It’s swift and intense. For a fleeting moment, she thinks he’s going to kiss her.
‘You can’t give up, Gail. Not when we’re this close.’ He forms an OK sign, leaving a gap between his thumb and forefinger. She wants to widen the gap of the ring but her whole body has frozen.
‘We started this as a team and I’ll be damned if we don’t end this as one!’
She laughs, unable to help herself. ‘Now you want to work as a team!’ She starts turning away from him but he corners her. The closeness of his body is excruciating. She wants desperately to talk to him about what happened earlier.
‘What is this, concern for your own sexual gratification or concern for the children we’re supposed to be saving?’ The moment the words slip out, he foresees the horror and hurt escaping her. For a second, he is too stunned to say anything else. She pushes him off her, slams the files down and speedwalks out of his office.
He runs after her. ‘Gail, I’m sorry!’ She walks faster, approaching the hallway. He thinks about grabbing her hand, touching her skin, but instead he shouts out her name again.
She doesn’t stop. It’s like he’s not even there.
***
The punch lands on my chest, heavy as a basketball hitting the ground. I try and shout for them to stop, but the pain increases as soon as I move.
‘Alex, what did you do?’ a voice asks, sounding panicked. The voice is followed by background noise. I manage to open one eye. The flat landscape of the field comes into view and I see the nurses hovering nervously behind Andrei. The tall iron gate looms a few feet away. My gaze flutters over the pitiless familiar faces and my throat twists into a knot. I look down at my trousers and realise they’re soaked. Feeling panic rise in my chest, I slowly roll over and start to drag myself towards the gate.
‘Get her a pair of clean clothes!’ Andrei screams. Then, abruptly, ‘Move away! All of you. Get back to work!’
I feel the shift in the air as everyone disappears back inside the orphanage. I grab another fistful of grass to help me forward when Andrei lifts me into his arms. I’m about to close my arms around him when I suddenly find myself flying in the air. I feel the back of my head hit the ground first and flop to the side as it hangs loosely from my neck. I lie there and stare at the world’s ceiling. How did I mess this up when I had planned it so carefully?
A black blurry boot kicks me in the stomach and I scream. I can’t help it. I’m in so much pain.
‘Damn it, Alex! Damn your crazy stunts!’ Andrei raises his hands to his face and swipes them across his hair. I taste blood in my mouth. It dribbles over my lips and runs down my chin in a straight line, swiftly dissolving into the dark emerald grass.
Andrei sits down next to me. He looks tilted and blurred, taking the form of a large black square as he crosses his knees and knots his knuckles over them. ‘You can’t keep doing this,’ he says, and I notice his voice is softer. He lifts me up and cradles me against him and I realise that he’s crying. His body convulses with sobs as he holds onto me.
‘I don’t understand, Alex. You have people who care about you. They don’t want to see you in pain. Alex, I care about you. I can’t bear to see what you’ve done to yourself.’
I don’t understand. What I’ve done to myself can’t be worse than what he’s done to me.
‘If you feel yourself hurting, it’s your fault. Do you remember? You sin of your own accord.’ He waits for me to repeat the words. ‘Alex?’ He shakes me a little, loosening my lips apart.
‘We sin alone. We are the dark angels of our own lives,’ I recite and feel him smile.
‘Good girl. Oh, my sweet girl. You’re my bright child, Alex. Don’t let anything change that,’ he whispers and, suddenly, I start to scream.
Chapter Three
Felix and Abigail unwind in a coffee bar, scoffing chocolate buns and soda. After their previous quarrel, Felix, through continuous apologetic messages sent to her phone and flowers delivered to her doorstep, persuaded Abigail to forgive his rude behaviour towards her. Abigail decided that impulsive words were thrown around in a heated moment and it was better for them to focus their energy towards convicting Green Orphanage for illegitimate acts on minors than on each other. That, and the fact that neither one of them could ever stay mad at each other for too long.
Felix takes another mouthful from his bun. ‘Listen to me. We have to break into the orphanage!’ He looks far too excited for the topic at hand.
Abigail stares at him, suddenly finding it hard to swallow the sip of soda in her mouth. ‘I don’t think you’ve been to jail before,’ she says dryly. Felix looks annoyed. ‘That’s fine, you need to tick it off your list, get it out of your system. Hey, why not rob a bank? At least you won’t have to pay for an overseas flight!’
He studies her for a moment, her mockery dispiriting him. The sound of the waves lapping nearby and the low-key chatter in the bar lull him into a moment of deep thought.
‘The children, can you imagine what they’re going through?’ The earlier excitement has vanished from his face. Abigail rests her elbows on the table, placing her little finger to her forehead.
‘Did you see her hand?’ she asks.
‘Whose hand?’
‘The nurse we met at our last visit. Her hand was bruised and cut as if she’d slashed herself with something… serrated!’ She looks at Felix to gauge his reaction. ‘Or slashed someone else?’ A cold shiver runs up her spine. ‘We’d lose our jobs,’ she says eventually.
Felix nods, acknowledging her words. ‘Does it account for innocent souls losing their childhood?’ When Abigail struggles to respond, he turns his head towards the waves again and runs his hands through his hair.
‘What if we don’t find anything?’ she asks.
Felix shakes his head. ‘We’ll find something. I know it in my gut! As much as we want everything to be OK, I know it isn’t this time. I think we have to face up to the reality and see this for what it is – cruelty on a large scale!’
Abigail sighs heavily, knowing he’s right. ‘We’re in Canberra. Green Orphanage isn’t right in front of us. And we can’t go traipsing into another country without a plan, without police. Felix, the only reason we accepted this case was because of a set of very unusual circumstances.’ She tries to even her tone. ‘We shouldn’t break boundaries just because this case is unusual. In fact, this isn’t a normal case so I suggest we do things legitimately until we find credible evidence.’
‘Gail, we have permission to use back up. We have the funds!’
‘We have no evidence! Social workers can’t take children away from their homes, only the police can do that. And the police want evidence! I don’t make the rules but I damn well know to stick to them before I lose my job.’
‘It’s not about the rules any more.’
‘No?’
‘It’s only a couple of hours’ ride!’
She looks at him as if he’s crazy. ‘That’s not the point. And no it isn’t!’
‘It could be if we slept through it,’ he quips. She can’t help it. She smiles too.
‘You’re serious?’
He fixes his gaze on her. ‘I’ve never been more serious in my entire life.’
She looks away, unmoved.
‘Listen. Waiting for evidence might kill every child there. Even worse,
it may leave them to suffer alone. We know something is happening.’
Abigail’s head begins to ache and she quickly moves forward to sip her soda. Then, she grabs her bag and stands up, her knee banging against the table and spilling liquid from the cans. ‘I’ll meet you at four tomorrow. Get back up ready, equipment, all of the resources sorted, everything!’
Felix looks up at her, his hand motionless on the napkin, the spilt liquid seeping through and cooling his palm. He flexes his clammy fingers and rises. ‘Thank you.’ Moving forward, he pecks Abigail on the cheek. A warm current springs through her and she quickly turns away from him before she changes her mind. ‘Abigail,’ he calls and she turns, waiting hopefully. ‘Are you scared?’
‘Very. You?’
His eyes meet hers. ‘Same.’
The resonance of the ringing phone continues even after Abigail picks it up. Her apartment is miniature; she wonders why anything is echoing at all. Hearing Felix at the other end, she spins the clock to face her and sighs. It’s two hours till four.
‘Are you ready?’ he asks breathlessly.
‘Are you packing?’ It’s her feeble attempt at changing the subject.
‘Yes. Are you ready?’ he asks again, this time with more urgency.
She draws out her breath, deliberately passing time before she has to tell him. ‘I’m not coming with you. I was being stupid before but I’m wise enough to know it’s not the way to do it.’ It comes out in one go. She hears him drop something in his bag.
‘You haven’t done anything, so how can a realisation occur?’ he says indignantly.
‘Hey, don’t get all technical with me.’
‘It’s true! You overthink stuff, Gail.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘That if you’re going to follow everything like a map, you’ll end up in the same place each time!’
She pulls the covers to her chin.
‘Why not do the unthinkable for once?’ he challenges.
