by Hiba Basit
Hi Annie.
If you’re reading this, it’s finally gone wrong, and you’ve found out the truth, like you always wanted. I’m sorry I’ve been difficult with you over the past two years, it’s just, I didn’t want to upset you, and I know it’s meant to be the other way around, you know, you have to look after me, but like you said in our first session, I’m a smart kid, and I understand that you can also get hurt by things that kids tell you. I also didn’t tell you the truth because it’s embarrassing. For a smart kid like me, I should be able to deal with things. I remember you also said I’m too hard on myself, so I’m just going to add in that obviously I know I couldn’t fight back because I’m small and my parents are bigger. Anyway, I can hear someone downstairs. I should go. But this is all I wanted to say anyway. I know you will blame yourself because you helped me get adopted, but you could never have known. And, don’t think you could have saved me by pushing me to talk about what was happening. I never would have talked because, like I told you, it was embarrassing and difficult for me to put into words. One more thing, don’t blame yourself for not seeing ‘what was right in front of your eyes,’ as you often say in our sessions (hehe). I really loved coming to see you and talking to you. You helped me a lot during my mum and dad’s addiction, living in care, my adoption into a new home and everything else, and I wish you had been my real mum!
Morgan x
Annette folds Morgan’s letter into her pocket and returns the file in its place. She tosses the untouched case files lying on her desk into a drawer and locks it. Grabbing her keys and phone, she hastily locks the door and runs headlong into Jordan.
‘Was that the Baliss family I saw in the car park?’ he asks.
She falters. ‘Yes, they came to give the hospital a donation.’ She tries to push past him but he stops her.
‘Annette, we need to talk about this. Come into my office.’
‘I have to leave.’
He takes her arm. ‘For one who specialises in talking therapy, you need to damn well learn how to talk yourself!’
His anger alarms her, but she disregards it and pulls her arm free. ‘I’m sorry. I have to go!’ She walks briskly towards the hospital exit, hoping with all her heart that Jordan isn’t following her.
Annette locks her car and walks across the road towards Melissa’s home. As she nears the front door, she lingers on the top step, her finger hovering over the doorbell. Since she left the hospital in a rush, she has driven almost one-hundred-and-fifty kilometres south west towards Sydney, before deciding to make a U-turn and collect Santana just before sunset. After four hours of driving, her mind is finally clear of the Baliss’ visit and the letter has been ripped up and scattered into the sea where she stopped off along the way. Although she has her doubts about discarding the letter in this way, she knows Morgan would have liked the idea. This was as close as she was going to get to forgiving herself.
The door abruptly opens, pulling her away from her thoughts. ‘Hey, why are you standing outside?’ Matt exclaims, stepping aside to let her in.
‘Thanks.’
‘Everything all right?’
‘Yeah. Rough day!’
He leans across and kisses her cheek. ‘Let’s get you a drink, then!’
When she steps into the kitchen, Melissa and Santana are standing by the counter, chopping carrots into one-dollar coins. ‘We’re about to make carrot cake,’ Santana says as she spots Annette, turning around and showing her a taut carrot.
Annette kisses her. ‘Sounds tasty. I’m really hungry.’ She pops a carrot coin in her mouth. ‘Did you enjoy the movie?’
‘It was great! But the cinema screen was tiny. Much smaller than the one back home.’
Annette rolls her eyes and pours herself a glass of water. ‘Could you see everything on screen?’
‘Yeah!’
‘Then it was big enough.’
‘Bigger screens call for better eyes, that’s all I’m saying!’ says Santana. They all grin.
‘Said who?’
‘I don’t know. It could be true!’
‘OK, smart alec. Where’s Mali?’
‘She went upstairs. She said she needed to start on her homework.’
Annette climbs the stairs and knocks on Mali’s door. Hearing nothing, she knocks for a second time and tells her she’s coming in. She finds Mali sitting cross-legged on the bed, daydreaming over the papers splattered around her. Her head is in her hands and her earphones are plugged firmly into her ears. Annette collapses onto the bed and Mali, thrown from her reverie, takes the headphones out, smiling.
‘I didn’t even hear you come in.’ She rolls forward and hugs Annette.
‘How’s the homework going?’
‘Don’t ask. I’m being lazy!’
Crashing noises erupt from downstairs.
‘Want to come down and make some carrot cake? It sounds like they need your help!’
Mali laughs but shakes her head.
‘What happened to our shopping trip?’
‘Oh shit! I forgot! I’ve been so busy.’
‘Busy or lazy?’ Annette teases.
‘Sorry.’ Mali looks tired.
‘Is there anything you want to talk about?’ Annette asks lightly.
Mali shrugs. ‘No.’
‘OK. Nothing on your mind then?’
‘Nothing,’ Mali echoes nonchalantly.
Annette throws her a sceptical look. ‘If I’m honest, I think there is something,’ she says softly. ‘I’m here for you if you need to talk.’
Mali counters her look with one of annoyance. ‘I know that. But, I’m fine. My upcoming exams are just stressing me out!’
‘OK. If that’s all you wish to tell me today, that’s fine.’
Mali rolls her eyes. ‘You never give up, do you?’
‘Never,’ Annette says, hugging her close and kissing the top of her head. ‘Come down if you change your mind.’
Closing Mali’s door, Annette pops into the bathroom, pulling her phone out of her pocket and noticing one missed call from David. More crashing noises erupt from downstairs as she dials his number, making her laugh to herself.
‘Hey.’
‘Hi. How are you?’ he asks, his voice sounding on edge.
‘I’m at Mel’s place. Come over when you’re done. I’m going to stay for dinner.’
‘OK. Jordan called me. He was concerned. Said you left in a rush?’
‘Oh!’ She clucks her tongue, understanding the unease in his voice.
‘What happened with Morgan’s parents? What did they want?’
‘They came to offer a rather sizeable donation to the hospital.’
‘Did you accept it?’
‘They forced it on me!’
‘Did they say anything else?’ She watches herself in the mirror, fingering the bags beneath her eyes and pinching the skin in an effort to return some colour to it.
‘They said they forgave me,’ she says quietly. ‘That her death wasn’t my fault.’
David sighs. ‘But you’ll never stop blaming yourself, right?’ She bites her lip, knowing that he’s put her exact thoughts into words. ‘You should call Jordan. Let him know you’re all right. He’s worried about you, Annie.’
‘OK.’
‘I’ll see you tonight.’
‘OK.’ Clicking her tongue, she leans against the sink, rebuking herself for her flaws. Jordan is right. If she can’t put her feelings into words for people who want to help her, how can she expect Mali to confide her own secrets to her? How can she expect Alex to trust her? As she glances in the mirror at her reflection, she makes a solemn promise to be more honest about her feelings. But as she walks downstairs, hearing Santana’s footsteps chase Amelie and John around the living room, she can’t help thinking of honesty as the biggest understatement in her life.
Chapter Seventeen
Annette trickles a glass of water over Santana. She wakes up screaming wildly, which quickly transforms into angry shouts
at her mother.
‘You have ten minutes to get ready or I’m going shopping without you,’ Annette says, walking out of the room. One hour later, Santana finally floats downstairs and both of them head into town, which is full of people and overflowing with public displays for the upcoming Christmas season. Santana grabs onto Annette’s hand, excitement spreading through her like wildfire as she ponders over what gifts to get her friends back home. She starts to hum along to a Christmas song playing in the store.
‘Am I about to get a preview of your singing?’ Annette asks. Santana continues to hum before bursting into a verse of Jingle Bells.
‘Song choice, not great,’ Annette says, as she idly scans the music aisle. Santana grins, turning her back to Annette as she picks up a leaflet.
‘So, what shall we do today?’ she asks.
‘I was thinking we can shop for a bit,’ says Annette. ‘You should probably take something back for Uncle Clive, a nice ornament or some hearing aids.’
Santana laughs, remembering the time her uncle locked her out by accident and then couldn’t hear her calling him to let her back in. ‘It only happened once,’ she says, vouching for him but grinning nonetheless.
‘Just kidding! How about a jacket for the winter, or a warm scarf?’
‘Yeah, sounds good.’
Annette glances at her. ‘Is something up?’
‘Nothing!’
Something in the way she says it reminds her of the way Mali gave her the same reply a few days ago.
‘Come on. Spit it out. I’m tired of secrets.’
‘There’s irony for you!’ The minute it slips out of her mouth, Santana wants to take it back. She tries to apologise, but the words get lodged in her throat. Instead, she looks away and angry tears appear in her eyes. Annette gently takes her hand and walks out of the shop and the shopping centre altogether, stopping at a nearby park bench in the middle of some thick shrubbery.
‘There’s irony for you?’ Annette echoes, sitting down next to her.
‘That just popped out. Chill, dude!’
Annette shoots her a disappointed look, making her sigh. ‘It’s been nice, spending time with you, being able to tell people you’re my mum and not having to answer stupid questions about why I live with my aunt and uncle. About why I’m an orphan!’
‘Your friends call you an orphan?’
‘They’re not my friends.’
Annette feels her frustration. ‘You know orphans are people who don’t have a mother or father,’ she says carefully.
‘Well, that’s how I feel most of the time.’
‘You have me. You’ll always have me.’
Santana looks away, squinting at the sun. ‘It’s not the same when all I can do is call you. When you’re not really with me.’
‘I’m always with you,’ she says, somehow managing to make it sound true.
‘Don’t give me that. You know what I mean!’
Annette sighs through her nose. ‘I do know what you mean, sweetheart!’ She falters as tears drop from Santana’s face, drying up halfway down her cheeks.
‘If only I could stay here. I promise I won’t let anything slip,’ Santana says. ‘Or, you could tell David the truth, the whole truth, once and for all and just be free of it!’
‘You know I can’t do that.’
‘Why?’
Annette inhales sharply. ‘Santana,’ she warns. ‘Things will change beyond what you can even imagine if I told him the truth.’
Santana bends forward and places her hands on her ears.
‘How long have you been feeling like this?’ Annette asks, shuffling towards her. ‘Didn’t you feel you could talk to me? Huh, baby?’ She rubs her back, which sets Santana off again.
Annette looks up at the sky and follows the contrail of an aeroplane. In less than a day, Santana will be flying back home. As she looks at her daughter, tired from all the crying and now silent, she regrets bringing her here. Maybe the trip was a mistake after all. She should have thought more carefully about how it would affect Santana in the long run, how she’d feel seeing how completely separate her mother’s life is from her own, as if they lived in two different worlds. She should have thought about how witnessing all this would make it harder for her to accept that she could never entirely be a part of the life she yearned for.
‘I also want to be here for you,’ Santana suddenly cries.
‘What do you mean?’
‘You need me more than you think.’
‘You need to look after yourself, that’s all I care about.’
‘No, actually –.’
Annette gently silences her. ‘I could never ask you to give up your life in New York.’
‘You’re not. I want to give it up!’ Santana cries.
Annette takes her by the shoulders, noticing people stare. ‘Listen to me. If anything happened to you, I’d never forgive myself. If you live with me, it’s not going to work out like you think.’
‘It could,’ Santana protests. ‘You could tell David. He’ll never judge you.’
‘Santana. It’s not David I’m worried about. You know that! If I could tell anyone the truth, it would be him. But if you come to live with me, you won’t be safe. I won’t risk that!’
Santana stares into the shrubbery. What before emanated bright shades of garnet and yellow now looks like a pile of mess, leaves strewn in all directions and twigs snapped carelessly, half-wedged in the chaos, half-naked to the public eye.
‘It’s unfair how life turns out. How we have to pay for other people’s mistakes.’
‘I only hope that one day you’ll agree with my choices,’ Annette says.
Santana finally looks at her. ‘I agree with everything you’ve ever done. I will never forget how you’ve always put me first.’
Annette strokes her cheek. ‘We have to meet Mel soon,’ she says softly. ‘Shall we go back and look for a pair of hearing aids now?’
Santana smiles half-heartedly.
As they start to walk back, Santana glances at the shrubbery, wondering how a pile of overgrown plants and a teenage girl could look as dispirited as one another. If she were to hide within the foliage, she would look just like part of the chaos.
Melissa and Amelie are waiting for Annette. They’re sitting on the front steps and basking in the green shade of the apple tree when she parks in their driveway and steps out.
‘Where were you?’ Amelie calls, jumping up from the step as if it had suddenly caught fire. The keys slip from Annette’s hand as Amelie hops into her arms, demanding an answer with her angry stare.
Santana appears from the side of the car, holding a large present wrapped in purple glitter paper. ‘This is why we’re late,’ she announces, hurling the present onto the boot of the car.
‘Is that for me?’ Amelie cries, scrambling off Annette, a look of anticipation and doubt brightening and shadowing her face all at once.
‘Happy birthday,’ Annette says, kissing her cheek. Finally, Amelie’s face lights up and she makes a beeline for the box. Santana lifts her onto the boot, helping Amelie unwrap her present. Melissa, who is beginning to look like a giant beach ball, gestures to Annette to follow her inside. As she enters, John whizzes past her, running after a group of kids, dressed as pirates or princesses, she has no idea. She quickly grabs him from the back and envelops him in a tight hug.
‘Can’t even say hello,’ she says, tickling his stomach. He scrambles away from her, sticking out his plastic sword in defiance.
‘Ey, ey, captains don’t say hello to humans!’ Pirates it is then.
‘Do captains say hello to their godmother?’
He thinks about this for a while. ‘I guess so,’ he concludes, giving her a quick kiss and scurrying away.
Annette finds Melissa and Matt in the kitchen, bickering over what plate to put the cake on.
‘China one,’ she offers. From their expression, she has clearly introduced a third option into their quarrelling. Grabbing the roll
of foil, she starts sealing the food. ‘When do you want to start moving everything to my house?’
‘Whenever you’re ready,’ Matt says, shrugging.
‘Apparently, your garden is bigger than ours so Ams wants to set up the bouncy castle at your place instead!’ Melissa huffs, making them grin.
‘How’s the little one? Do you know if it’s a boy or girl?’
‘We’re not sure we want to know the sex of the baby this time.’
‘Ah, you’re venturing into unknown territory! I’m sure curiosity will get the better of Matt.’
‘Talking of unknown territories, it was lovely meeting your daughter.’ Annette flicks a glance in Matt’s direction. ‘Even if we only just found out about her.’
‘Matt!’ Melissa warns.
Annette is silent at first. Then, she says, ‘It’s OK. I wanted to apologise to both of you.’
This gives Melissa enough courage to probe further. ‘Why didn’t you tell us about Santana, Annie?’ she asks.
‘Like I said to David, I didn’t want to flaunt her around him when I was hardly ready to have his child.’
‘So, you lied to him instead? Was that easier?’ she asks, trying to understand. Annette doesn’t know how to respond, so she remains silent.
‘You know, you’ve mentioned that your childhood was tough, but you’ve never talked about it, never really told us what happened,’ says Matt. Annette pretends to busy herself with the foil, but Matt persists. ‘I’m only saying this because we care. Annie, hiding the fact that you have a teenage daughter, it’s a big thing! I don’t know how you managed it for so long.’
Annette drops the foil paper and walks out of the kitchen without another word. She catches sight of Amelie and Santana hauling the rocking horse upstairs.
‘Hey, John,’ she calls. ‘Where’s Mali?’
He takes his eye patch off. ‘She has gym class.’
‘She’s missing Amelie’s party for sports?’ He shrugs. ‘Did she say whether she’ll drop by afterwards?’
‘No idea! Ka-pow, ka-pow!’ he shouts, pointing his sword at Annette, who falls to the floor, hand on her heart, her eyelids closing as she pretends to die. ‘I knew I’d catch you one day, Elizabeth Swan!’
