by Hiba Basit
‘What a shame! Because here I thought we were bonding.’
‘Goodbye, Andrei. Enjoy your life in prison.’
He leans back. ‘Don’t worry. I’m sure I’ll be seeing you around.’
Annette signals for the guards.
‘I love your necklace!’ he says, at the last moment. She frowns, grabbing onto her locket and gently stroking it. ‘Looks so sexy on you, Doctor Annette Coulter!’ He begins to laugh. The sound echoes down the hallway as she makes her way out of the prison for the last time, thankful for it, but suddenly feeling as if the unusual dark clouds outside at this time of the year might be reminiscent of something darker to come.
***
Alex holds her artbook tightly against her chest as she walks into Annette’s office and asks why Andrei isn’t coming to see her. Perching herself at the edge of the chair, she looks anxious waiting for an answer. Although Annette is relieved that Alex feels comfortable talking about Andrei to her, she worries about her feelings for him. The fact that she’s asking about him tells her that Alex still thinks about him and wants to see him again. In her mind, Andrei is still the one who looked after her for eleven years and nothing will ever change that. To Alex, these weekly sessions and living on the mental health ward with children she doesn’t know is only temporary, a brief holiday in Canberra that she didn’t ask for. But what Annette fears the most is that Alex still has no idea how bad Andrei has treated her and that her newfound openness and chatter is, in fact, an ominous mark of impatience rather than resembling anything good.
‘Alex, why don’t you tell me about him?’ Annette asks, but when Alex has to put her thoughts into words, she struggles.
‘Like what?’ she asks, suddenly looking worried.
‘I’m wondering,’ Annette prompts gently. ‘What was Andrei like?’
‘He was nice to all of us,’ she says, so quickly that it looks as if she’s vomited the words out before giving herself a chance to think about saying anything else.
‘OK.’ Annette nods, deciding to dig deeper. ‘What about just with you?’
Alex quickly sucks in her lips. ‘No,’ she says, getting up from the chair but not knowing what to do after or where to go. She looks so fragile and scared that Annette has to fight back an urge to scoop her into her arms.
‘It’s alright,’ Annette says. ‘We’re just talking.’ But they’re not just talking. Annette knows exactly what she is doing and where the conversation is going.
Alex shakes her head, so violently that Annette jolts forward to hold it in her hands when Alex abruptly stops and looks at her. ‘It’s just the way it is.’
Again, these preordained phrases, as if her Fate is inescapable. Knowing she can’t let this go, doesn’t want to let this go, Annette forces herself to continue. ‘Alex, do you trust me?’ Alex looks hesitant. ‘With all my heart, I promise, I’m here to protect you.’ She shouldn’t make promises. She shouldn’t use the words ‘my heart’. If Jordan were here now, he’d abruptly end the session. But he isn’t here. It’s only her and a confused little girl in the room. And she wants, more than anything else, for this girl to stop feeling confused, to stop feeling anything negative at all. But she knows emotions can’t be fixed. It’s an illusory want. A fantasy in her mind. She’s noticing it now, more powerful than ever, a forceful, unstoppable urge to wipe Alex’s memories away, to shake some sense into her and remind her she’s worthy of being loved right.
Alex’s eyes are cast to the floor. She doesn’t want to, maybe can’t, believe that anyone might love her without expectations. She’s cuddling the artbook close to her face. Annette closes her eyes, trying to gulp the swelling urge back down.
‘He was nice to me too,’ comes a small whisper.
Annette opens her eyes. ‘How was he nice?’
Alex thinks hard about this, her face creasing in effort. ‘I don’t know. It’s all a blur.’
‘Like you’re looking at everything through water?’ Annette guesses.
‘Yeah.’ Alex finally looks up.
Knowing this may be make or break, Annette chooses her next words carefully.
‘You know, Alex, sometimes, when you try and remember something and you can’t, it’s your minds way of distancing yourself from the memory. Maybe because the memory is very frightening. Does that make any sense?’
‘No.’ Alex’s throaty little voice is barely audible as she asks, ‘Why would my memory be frightening?’
Annette draws a deep, shaky breath. ‘Can you tell me, Alex?’
As soon as she poses this question, Alex’s tiny face contorts and her expression sharpens, rapidly changing in front of her and, then, deflating. Her face says it all. She is thinking about Andrei and wondering why she felt frightened when he came close to her, why she was always in pain when he was with her and why she cried herself to sleep at night after he visited her in her bedroom.
‘Alex?’ Annette says her name gently, but Alex hardly blinks. She’s not even sure if she’s heard her. ‘Alex?’ Annette tries again and this time, Alex shoots a suspicious glare in her direction. ‘What Andrei did to you wasn’t right. No one is allowed to treat children the way he treated you.’
The suspicious glare vanishes and a look crosses Alex’s face that Annette cannot trace. ‘Being defeated in life is inevitable,’ Alex sharply whispers. The intensity with which she voices this makes her sound robotic, or brainwashed. How does she even know the word inevitable? Once again, Annette struggles to fight back the urge to scoop her into a hug and hold her, so that no one can ever feed her lies again. Ever.
‘Is that what Andrei used to tell you?’
‘No, it’s what it tells me!’
‘What’s it? A feeling?’
Alex clenches her fists by her side. ‘You’re trying to hurt my feelings!’ she screams. It’s a horrible sound, like glass bottles smashing together. Her body shakes as she scowls at Annette. Annette knows she’s going too fast. She should stop right now but the words are out of her mouth before she can stop them.
‘Being defeated in life is a choice,’ Annette says firmly, noticing that Alex is slowly curling into a foetal position on the chair. Determined, she repeats the words.
‘He loves me!’ Alex shouts, furious and disbelieving.
‘OK. Tell me more about this love,’ Annette asks, but Alex shakes her head, clapping her hands over her ears. Annette thinks she might cry, she thinks, in her own way, she already is. ‘In love, people don’t hurt one another. Alex, did he hurt you?’
Alex suddenly springs up from her chair, the foetal position uncurling. She is suddenly hysterical.
‘He is allowed to do what the fuck he wants with me!’
She hurls the artbook at Annette, who bends over just in time as it goes flying over her head. The room resumes its silence in the time that it takes the pages to crash to the floor. Annette thinks of calling for help, but her hands don’t move to press the alarm. She knows she should quit, call an end to the session, but just as she’s about to do this, the light catches Morgan’s photo on the picture board, pulling her gaze towards it like a magnetic force. No way is she letting things go this time around. No way is she going to allow this innocent, beautiful child to go on feeling so horribly alone any more.
‘He has done what he wants with you.’ She forces the words out, feeling her voice catch. But she’s convinced this is what Alex needs, for someone else to state the obvious. Maybe she needs to hear the truth rather than be the one to reveal it. Alex covers her ears again, tears filling her eyes. Something in the way she is so filled with emotion right now but remains totally still on the outside reminds Annette of Morgan. What would have happened if she’d persisted with her as she was now persisting with Alex? Would Morgan be alive today?
‘Alex, did Andrei hurt you?’ she asks, desperately wanting her to admit the atrocities he inflicted on her, desperately wanting her to be able to move on from them.
‘Sometimes,’ she murmurs, eyes fixed on the f
loor. Annette’s heart skips a beat. Alex is shaking violently, her index finger and thumb clumsily placed inside her mouth.
‘How did he hurt you?’
Alex’s first instinct is to clamp her fingers over her mouth, but her hands have gone numb. Speak up, she hears Andrei shout. If you ever utter one more word, I will feed your tongue to the Basilisks, the nurse spits. She shuts her eyes as Mathias’ face on the night she missed the morning run lands in front of her eyes. I’ll tell you what happened today if you tell me your story, she’d said to him. And then, like everything else, a power beyond her control had taken over and she’d fallen asleep, unaware if he’d replied or not. To this day, her story had not been told.
‘It just hurt,’ she whispers, banging her hand on her head with each word. And just as she says this, she watches Andrei shake his head in disgust.
You wanted this. You asked for this, Alex! Why else would this happen to you?
She rolls her head from side to side to get rid of his voice but another image pastes itself in front of her eyes, flashing, chaotic, irreversible, and something, it dawns on her, she never wanted.
Annette edges forward. ‘It’s all right, Alex. You’re safe. Stay with me.’
Alex blinks rapidly and musters a pained mouth-twitch of recognition.
‘Here, look at me. This isn’t your fault. None of this is your fault, sweetie. Andrei knew what he was doing was wrong from the beginning.’
Alex grips the chair as if it’s going to vanish and drop her into the abyss. ‘He loves me. He said we’d be together forever.’ She gasps on a gut-wrenching sob as her tiny frame shudders.
Annette reaches a hand out to her, wanting so badly to hold her. ‘What about you? What do you want?’
‘I…’ Alex breaks off, her face looking more pinched than ever.
‘It’s all right,’ Annette starts, feeling a swell of affection for her but her words are cut short.
‘It doesn’t matter!’ Alex screams.
Annette is in front of her now, feeling as if she is being tugged towards her. Why is she so drawn to this girl? Is it a reaction to Morgan or something more?
‘It matters to me what you want!’
Alex lets out a wail she never thought she could make. A pain she only connected to her mother, but it went far beyond that. Andrei pouring urine into her mouth and then kissing her to show her how he would suffer for her if he had to. Andrei shaking her on the bed to get her to ride him back. Alex gasps for breath, knowing that she looks crazy. Unable to stop shaking, she crumples further into the chair and holds it close. She would have stayed like this if Annette hadn’t risen and Alex hadn’t instinctively held her arms out towards her. As Annette pulls her off the chair and holds her tight, Alex stiffens. She has no memory of ever being held like this, cuddled in this way. When Annette begins rocking her, Alex feels a warmth flow into her that’s so foreign, it immediately sends her into a state of shock, because she’s never experienced this; the emotion is new and she fears it. She fears the realisation that there’s more out there in life than what Andrei shared with her, that she’s missed out on this magical feeling of being held in a stranger’s arms, that she might one day be loved without needing to do anything in return.
Later that day, Jordan knocks on Annette’s door.
‘A word, please.’
She looks up from her papers and smiles. ‘Hi, Jordan.’
‘What have you got there?’
‘I have a paper to submit by the end of the week.’
‘How are things? You look tired.’ He sits down, looking concerned.
‘Fine. What do you need me for?’
Jordan scowls at her flippant response. ‘Annette, I received a call from social services. They told me they’re having some problems. With you.’
She glances away fleetingly. ‘Is that so?’
‘I take it you know what I’m talking about.’
‘That I’ve not approved families being considered for fostering placements?’
‘Yes! Both of them wanting to adopt Alex in the future.’
‘Ah, yes!’
‘May I ask why you would do such a thing?’
‘Because I didn’t consider them suitable for her circumstances.’
‘The social worker said you didn’t even glance at their files.’
She drops her pen on the desk. ‘I did. And I read information very quickly,’ she argues, making him sigh heavily.
‘Is something else wrong?’
She shrugs indifferently, although she’s aware her pulse has quickened.
‘Do you feel you’re getting personally involved with Alex?’
And there it is, the question said out loud, the same question she’s silently been asking herself from the very first day she laid eyes on Alex. It sucks the air out of her. She feels like an uncontrollable balloon that’s been let go too soon, hissing and spinning chaotically around the room, trying to find where it’s meant to go. She thought she’d been doing a good job at keeping up pretence but there always comes a moment when someone destroys the charade, even for the best performer.
She needs to take charge again but how to do this escapes her. Quivering with rage and panic, she looks at Jordan.
‘Don’t you dare do this again! You know what happened with Morgan.’ He nods, but it’s only an acknowledgement of the fact she’s stated, that he does know what happened.
‘It’s because of Morgan that I’m here today. I’m seeing the same signs.’
‘Look, she makes me feel protective over her. I feel a personal responsibility to look after her, that’s all!’
‘And what’s behind these obvious rescue fantasies?’
‘Nothing. Alex isn’t ready to be homed with strangers. She doesn’t deserve this, after what she’s been through. She needs to be around people she’s familiar with.’
‘Like you?’
‘Yes! And Nurse Mary! She’s defensive with people. Only now has she opened up to me! A child who only recently was suicidal and who has severe emotional and behavioural issues isn’t ready to be placed in a new setting. Like it or not, she’s staying put for now.’ He studies her in silence.
‘We both know she’s staying put for now. But I was talking about the future. You know how it works, Annette. The social worker arranges a new family six months ahead of time for the orphans here. So, what’s your excuse?’
Annette swallows. ‘She’s not ready.’
‘You mean you’re not ready.’
‘That’s not my feeling,’ Annette says, but even as the words leave her mouth, she knows they’re empty. In their session earlier, when Alex was writhing in distress, she knew she was going too fast, that she’d never force another child to admit they’d been abused until they were ready, but she didn’t stop. She didn’t stop herself because she wanted to be there when Alex realised the truth. She wanted to be the one who Alex shared her memories with. She wanted so badly to be the only one who made her feel safe.
This raw, shocking realisation leaves her feeling winded. She knows what can happen if she’s in too deep with a child. She’ll miss the bigger picture until it smacks her with the force of a lawsuit. And, Alex will suffer, just like poor Morgan did.
‘I’m really sorry,’ Jordan says, bringing her back into the room.
‘It’s alright,’ she whispers, feeling suddenly dazed.
‘No, Annette. I’m really sorry,’ he repeats, knowing she’s misunderstood him. ‘I’m going to arrange a psychological debriefing for you.’
Finding herself about to hurl profanities at him, she swiftly bites her lip. ‘You’re joking,’ she says through clenched teeth.
‘No. No one likes it when they’ve screwed up, least of all you! But I think you have. I don’t believe you’re fine. Whether it’s something to do with Alex, Morgan, or complications at home with David, something is going on and I need to know what. There’s a phrase you use in kin with a ship sinking. You can’t stop talking or you’re going
to go under.’ He rises and she follows suit.
‘I’ll go under with this extra pressure!’
‘Extra?’ he offers, giving her one last chance.
‘Listen to me! For everyone, Andrei getting locked up was closure. But, Alex, she only gets closure when she finally finds the strength to let go and move on. Right now, she’s locked up with her abuser!’
‘I know that,’ he says calmly.
‘Then, let me help her!’ It comes out too sharply.
He is silent. The silence pounds between them. His expression softens and she thinks he’s given in. Then, he looks up sharply and meets her stare.
‘Hopefully the debrief won’t take long,’ he finally says. ‘Good luck.’
Chapter Nineteen
It’s about to rain outside. David gazes at the garnet sky, watching the birds oddly migrating southwards for a warmer climate and wondering what’s happened to the Australian weather this summer. He pulls the duvet just below his face and snuggles against Annette, who is fast asleep. Just yesterday, Matt had called to let them know that Mali had not come home from school and had most probably run away. Whether she was alone or had left with her gym teacher was unknown. The police had already been contacted when Annette, having gone to pick up some paperwork, found Mali outside her office, waiting for her to arrive. Apparently, she had got it into her head that her parents had been blocking calls from Stewart, the gym teacher, since they had found out they had sex. Annette told her that her parents were doing no such thing but were in fact waiting for Stewart to call her. When she asked why, Annette shrugged, asking her if she had any idea instead. At this point, Mali turned and walked out of the hospital in a rage and only when Annette shouted at her to come back, did she get in the car with her and was driven back home. David turns towards Annette now as she stirs awake.
‘Morning,’ he says.
