“It was great,” Natasha said, trying to read his mood. He seemed distant, lost in his thoughts. But if he didn’t feel like company, why had he sought her out? “The boys had a wonderful time.” When he responded with a sharp nod, she said, “Um, if you’re looking for Ryland, I think he’s inside, playing video games with Austin.”
“No, I came out here looking for you.” Glancing toward the house, he asked, “Is my brother inside?”
“Yeah, he had to take a call.”
“Good, I’d rather he not be here for this. He’d only try to put his own spin on it.”
Natasha could tell his anger was directed at Clint, though she couldn’t understand the reason. “I know things were kind of tense between you and Clint when I got here last night. Does this have something to do with your argument?”
“Did he tell you we argued?” Den asked, cocking his head before shaking it. “That wasn’t an argument, not compared to what’s waiting for him.”
Natasha’s concern grew as she imagined herself caught between the two men, trying to referee a fight. “Maybe you should tell me what’s going on.” Glancing at the book in his hand, she asked, “Does it have something to do with that?”
“It has everything to do with this.” Den raised the book before dropping it on the table between them with a thud. “Do you remember I told you about Julie’s journals?”
“Yes. Is that one of them?”
“Yeah, the last one.” His expression was flat, his eyes narrowed as he stared off into the distance. “She wrote the last entry the day before she died.”
“Did you just read it?” Natasha would have expected him to have read it soon after his wife had died.
“Yeah, seems strange to wait so long.” He covered his face with his hands. “But I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I knew when I did, it would mean she was really gone.”
Natasha longed to reach for his hand, to let him know she was there to support him, but given his mood, she wasn’t sure he would welcome any comfort. “I take it you read something that upset you?” Natasha prayed Julie hadn’t said she was unhappy with Den or no longer in love with him. That would have crushed him, given how much he loved his late wife.
“You could say that.” He pointed at the book. “Go ahead. Read it for yourself.”
Natasha was shocked that he would invite her to read something so personal. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. That’s Julie’s private—”
“You have to read it,” he said, looking determined. “You have a right to know what Julie wrote about your boyfriend.”
She felt a rush of adrenaline as she imagined what secrets Julie’s journal might reveal. “I don’t want to get—”
“Please,” he said, handing her the book. “You have to read it. If not for yourself, for your son.”
As a parent, Den had to have known Natasha would do anything to protect her son, and she couldn’t help resenting him for using that protective instinct to manipulate her. “I don’t see how anything Julie wrote in that journal could impact me or Austin.”
“Julie was in love with my brother. And judging by the things she said in there, I think the feeling was mutual.”
“What?” Her heart started racing so hard and fast she felt lightheaded, adding to her confusion. “What are you talking about?”
“If you don’t want to read it for yourself, I’ll read it to you.” Den picked up the book and cleared his throat. “‘I’m so confused. I can’t get Clint out of my head. I’ve always felt there was something between us, a connection that extended beyond friendship, but for the sake of my marriage, I tried to suppress it. After the things Clint said to me, I don’t think I can do that anymore.’”
Natasha couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Clint had had feelings for Den’s wife, a woman they both still clearly revered?
“‘I love my husband and son, and I’m not even sure I could fit into Clint’s world in Nashville. But if I don’t find out, I’ll spend the rest of my life wondering whether I could have been happier with Clint.’”
Clint had asked Julie to move in with him? Natasha didn’t need to hear any more to realize the message Den was trying to send. Natasha had been Clint’s second choice. He hadn’t had feelings for her for years as he’d claimed. It was Julie he’d wanted, not her.
“‘I just don’t think I can remain here and continue to live this lie. If I try to stay with Den, it will be torture every time I see Clint.’”
“What the hell is that?” Clint asked, pointing at the journal in Den’s hands. “What are you doing?”
Natasha had been so caught up in listening to Julie’s last words that she hadn’t even heard Clint’s soft footsteps in the grass.
“This is proof that you betrayed me, you son of a bitch,” Den said, tossing the book at his brother’s chest. “How could you?” He jumped up, lunging at Clint. “You said you loved her like a sister. You said—”
“Stop it!” Clint shouted, holding his brother back with one hand on his chest. “Are you crazy? What are you talking about?”
“It’s all right there in Julie’s journal!” Den kicked the offending book with the toe of his boot. “Read it for yourself. Go ahead. It’s all there: how much my wife loved you, how you were so much more than friends, how she couldn’t wait to build a life with you in Nashville.”
“Oh God,” Clint said, glancing over Den’s shoulder at Natasha. “That conversation never should have happened—”
“I don’t want to hear it,” Den said, shoving Clint back a step. “I don’t want to hear your excuses. You’re a goddamn liar. You invited me and Ry to live with you because you felt guilty about trying to take Julie away from us.”
Clint paled. “I wasn’t trying to take Julie away from you. I would never have done that.”
“I gotta get the hell out of here,” Den said, pushing past Clint. “I can’t even stand to look at you.”
“Where are you going?” Clint asked, facing Den’s retreating back. “Aren’t you even going to give me a chance to explain?”
“Nothing you say could make me hate you any less,” Den said, walking backward as he glared at his brother. “It’s not bad enough that Julie’s gone. Now I have to live with the knowledge that it was you she wanted, not me. For all I know, it was you all along.”
“That’s not true!” Clint shouted. “Julie loved you and Ry. You have to believe that.”
“Go to hell!”
***
The pain etched on Natasha’s face when Clint turned to her said more than words ever could. She was clearly devastated, and he was to blame.
Picking up the book and setting it on the table, he crouched in front of Natasha. “Baby, I—”
“Why did you lie to me?” she asked, tears gliding down her face. “Why did you tell me you had feelings for me all along when it was Julie you wanted?”
“It wasn’t Julie I wanted. I loved Julie as a friend, but—”
“A dead woman’s words don’t lie,” Natasha said, sorrow filling her gaze as she looked over Clint’s shoulder at the journal. “She said what was in her heart. She was in love with you.”
Clint should have known that conversation with Julie would come back to haunt him someday. Den was right—he did feel guilty, but that wasn’t why he’d asked them to stay with him. He’d asked his brother and nephew to share his home because he loved them and believed they all needed each other.
“How could you do that to your brother?” she asked, withdrawing from his touch when he tried to hold her hand. “What kind of man goes after his brother’s wife?”
“I wasn’t going after her,” Clint said, failing to make her understand. “We’d been close for years. The lines got blurred. She understood me in a way no one else did. I appreciated that about her. When I told her that she said that’s because we were soul mates. But—”
“I don’t need to hear any more of this,” Natasha said, holding up her hand.
“I’m not letting you l
eave until you hear the whole story.” Clint prayed she would be able to understand he’d made a mistake, one he would regret for the rest of his life.
“I’m going to get my son,” she said, getting up and shaking Clint off when he tried to grab her hand. “We’re getting out of here.”
“Tash, you can’t just walk away,” he said, hearing the desperation in his voice. “You said you wanted to spend your life with me.”
“That was when I thought I was the one you wanted.”
“You are the one I want.” He grabbed her, hauling her back against his chest as his hands circled her waist. “You’re the only one I want. Hell, you’re the woman I’ve always wanted. You have to believe that.” If she refused to believe him, he didn’t know what he could say or do to convince her, but he’d never stop trying. He didn’t think he could live without her now that he’d finally had a taste of what his life could be like. “Look, I’m sorry you had to hear what Julie wrote, but it doesn’t change a damn thing between us.”
“That’s where you’re wrong,” she said calmly, peeling his arms from around her waist. “It changes everything between us. I refuse to be your second choice, your consolation prize.” She jerked away from him. “And I hate you for making me feel that way.”
Chapter Sixteen
“I don’t understand why you were in such a big hurry to leave,” Austin said, slumping in the passenger’s seat after selecting his favorite radio station. “It was like you couldn’t get away from Clint fast enough. Did you guys have a fight or something?”
Natasha knew her son deserved answers. A few hours ago, he’d thought he was getting the stepfather of his dreams, and now she had to find a way to explain to him why that would never happen. But she wouldn’t tell him the whole story. She couldn’t. Austin was close with Ryland now, and she didn’t want to put him in the awkward position of having to keep something like that from his friend. Besides, even though Austin was getting older, some topics were still off-limits, like the sordid details of her love life. “I just found out some things about Clint that made me...”
Austin’s expression was wary. “Did he do something illegal?”
Natasha let out a huff, between a laugh and a sigh. “No, nothing like that. Let’s just say there were some things he should have told me, and we’ll leave it at that.”
“Mom, you can’t expect me to just let this go. You were gonna marry the guy, like, five minutes ago, and now you’re not? Is that what you’re telling me?”
Natasha nodded, feeling Austin’s mood shift from troubled to grim.
“What happened to change your mind?”
Natasha had to tell him at least part of the story to satisfy his insatiable curiosity. “I have reason to believe I wasn’t really his first choice after all.” Julie and Clint hadn’t been a couple, but that didn’t minimize what they obviously felt for each other.
“What do you mean?” Austin asked, glaring out the window. “Are you saying he cheated on you?”
“No, nothing like that.” Natasha bit her lip, questioning the wisdom of trying to explain something that couldn’t be explained without a lot of tears, details, and even more pain. “But it seems he had feelings for someone else.”
“Had?” Austin asked. “Then it’s over?”
“Yes, it’s over. But not because he wanted it to be.” She should have tried to change the subject, but getting her frustration off her chest felt good, even if Austin was the last person she should have been unloading on.
“So she dumped him?”
“Not exactly.”
Austin sighed. “Then what happened?”
She couldn’t very well tell him the woman in question had died. What if he somehow put two and two together? “They couldn’t be together, but that wasn’t Clint’s choice. She was married.”
“Wow,” Austin said, letting his breath seep between his teeth. “I never pegged Clint for that kind of guy.”
“Neither did I, sweetie.” Natasha closed her eyes briefly when they pulled up to a stoplight. “And I’ve known him a lot longer than you have. What I learned tonight shocked me. I still can’t believe it.”
“I’m sorry,” Austin said softly, looking as disappointed as Natasha felt. “I really thought he was the guy, you know, to make you happy for the rest of your life.”
Her son’s concern only made Natasha feel worse. If she’d been more cautious, Austin wouldn’t have been caught up in this mess, trying to figure out how to deal with his own misery while consoling her.
“I’ll be fine,” Natasha said, forcing a smile. “We both will. We didn’t need him before, and we don’t need him now. Our lives will go on as though we had never met him.” Except Natasha wouldn’t be able to avoid him forever. He was at Titan at least a few times a month, and since they treated him like royalty, she couldn’t ask the security guard or front desk receptionist to run interference for her if Clint showed up demanding to see her.
“Still, I got pretty caught up imagining what it would be like to live at the ranch with Ry.”
Natasha knew she couldn’t tell Austin his friend wouldn’t be living at the ranch much longer either. She was certain he’d find out soon enough. “Things don’t always work out the way we want them to, honey. That’s just a fact of life.”
“Don’t I know it,” he grumbled, scowling as he sank lower in his seat. “Things never seem to work out for us.”
Natasha frowned at her son. “Hey, that’s not true. Just because we didn’t get our happy ending this time doesn’t mean we give up hope. Besides,” she said, trying hard to be optimistic even though she felt as gloomy as Austin did. “We don’t need anyone else to make us happy. It’s up to us whether we choose to be happy, right?”
“I guess,” he said, shrugging. “But you can’t deny you were happier with Clint than you’ve been in a long time.”
No, she couldn’t deny that, but she didn’t have to make matters worse by admitting it. “I was happy before I met Clint, and I’ll be happy again. Maybe I’ll meet someone else. Maybe I won’t.” She suspected the latter was more likely. “Either way, I’ll be fine. So please don’t waste your time worrying about me, okay?”
“If I don’t worry about you, who will? You keep telling me we’ve got to look out for each other, right?”
Natasha wondered if she’d put too much pressure on her son, making him believe that he had to take care of her when it should have been the other way around. She hadn’t intended to make him feel that way. She’d just wanted him to know they were a team, and no matter what life threw at them, they would face it together.
“Maybe I should rephrase that,” Natasha said, smiling at him. “I’ll look out for you. You just concentrate on being a kid.” Her heart constricted when she realized she wouldn’t be able to say that for much longer. He was on the verge of being a teenager and would soon cringe when she referred to him as a kid.
“I just don’t get it,” Austin said, leaning his head against the window. “If Clint’s into someone else, why’d he even bother with you? He told me you were different, that he really cared about you and would never hurt you. So why’d he lie?”
“I don’t think he lied,” she said, trying to refrain from vilifying Clint any more than she already had. “I know he cared about me, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t care about someone else too.”
“So what if he cared about someone else before you guys got together?” Austin asked. “If he’s not with her now, isn’t that all that matters?”
She couldn’t tell Austin that learning the nature of Clint’s relationship with Den’s wife had colored her opinion of him or that her pride had taken a serious hit when she’d found out she had been his second choice. Had Julie survived that accident and found the courage to leave her husband, she would likely have been living on that ranch with him, sharing his bed and hosting his parties. “It’s a lot more complicated than that, honey.”
“So he still has feelings for her? Did he tel
l you that? Is that why you guys fought?”
“No.” Natasha gripped the steering wheel tighter as their last conversation sifted through her mind. “He didn’t tell me he was still in love with her.”
“So if it’s over with this other woman, why can’t you be with him?”
Natasha pulled into the parking lot of their building, silently cursing when she spotted a car in her assigned spot. “You’ll understand when you get older, Austin. No one likes to be with someone by default. I think I deserve better than that, don’t you?”
“I guess,” he muttered, not sounding convinced. “But maybe if you gave him a chance to explain—”
“Please just let this go,” she said, taking a deep breath as she circled the small lot, looking for a free parking spot. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”
“Fine.” Austin jumped out of the car as soon as it rolled to a stop. “I’m going up to Nan’s.”
“Wait, I—”
Before Natasha could finish her sentence, he slammed the door with enough force to rattle the windows, letting her know he wasn’t interested in anything she had to say. As much as she would miss Clint, her biggest concern was convincing her son she hadn’t purposely ruined his life by walking out on the man he’d thought would be his stepfather.
***
Clint felt sick when he looked his brother in the eye after admitting the truth about what had happened the day Julie died. “I was in a really bad place.” He knew nothing would excuse his behavior, but he had to try. “I’d just ended things with Sharyl,” he said, referring to his last casual girlfriend. “I was at a loss. I’d had feelings for Tash for a long time. Julie knew that.”
“So how did you go from gushing about Natasha to my wife telling you she was in love with you?” Den asked, draining his beer bottle and slamming it on the coffee table.
“You know me and Julie had this…” Clint knew it wouldn’t help his cause if he called it a special connection, but that was exactly what it was. “Close friendship. She understood me. I understood her. We confided in each other about almost everything.”
Hero Worship (Music City Moguls Book 6) Page 17
