by J Grayland
“Out having some lunch,” she retorts.
“I said where not what.”
“Just out in the park.” Needless to say, I sounded like a prick throughout our short conversation which ended with her letting me know that I was no longer responsible for her safety, and hanging up, leaving me with a dial tone in my ear. “Jesus fucking Christ,” I curse, as I head back down to my office, clearing my browser of what I had been looking at this morning. I needed to clear my head with some work, right after I send a quick text to Nick telling him that Casey is having lunch in a park somewhere in walking vicinity of the building and that he needed to go track her down and watch her without being seen.
The next day I went up to the Penthouse at the crack of dawn just to grab a change of clothes. It was quiet and I noticed that her bedroom door was closed. I dropped her a note on the kitchen island and went down to my office. The continuing fury and rage that kept building inside my body was making me feel like a ticking time bomb right now, and knowing her stubbornness and smart mouth, we are going to collide in an explosion that wouldn’t be contained, so I decided to give us both another day to cool down.
Driving back to the beach house later that evening, I was greeted with a beer and an invitation to come sit out the back. This was a stern order from Lynda. Changing into a pair of sweatpants and t-shirt, I join her outside. She’s sitting on the back stairs and I sit my ass down next to her. Flipping the cap off on the beer, I take a mouthful. “I went to your Penthouse today,” Lynda says nonchalantly. Her statement causes me to whip my head around to look at her.
“Is she ok?” I ask her.
She lifts an eyebrow at me. “Really Nate? What do you think?” She sound’s exasperated with me then says, “She doesn’t look like she’s eating or sleeping well, she has huge dark bags under her eyes.”
“Shit,” I say, shaking my head and looking down at the beer in my hand.
“Well what were you expecting Nate, didn’t you just do to her what everyone else has done her whole life?” Looking at her I see the boil of irritation in her eyes. “I mean her parents did it to her and now so have you.”
“And what exactly do you think I’ve done?” I ask through gritted teeth.
“Well they left her to go to work, they left her hanging when she was kidnapped then they left her when they both died and now you’ve done it too.”
Standing up fast to face Lynda, fury pumping so fast through my veins I feel it throb in my neck, “I have not left her.”
“Well you’re here aren’t you? Instead of being at the Penthouse with Casey.”
“That doesn’t mean I have left her.” Rubbing a hand through my hair, I grab the back of my neck.
“Then what the fuck are you doing Nate?” Lynda stands up with a defiant hand on her hip, she looks livid. She must be because I don’t think I have ever heard her swear before.
“I’m giving us both some space.”
“Fuck space, you should be running to her not away from her, do you care about her?”
“Fuck, of course, I do.” I spit out.
“Then what is the problem?”
Rubbing a hand over the scruff along my jawline, I pause for a moment before I say, “Me, I’m the problem”.
I see and feel Lynda’s eyes on me searching my face for an explanation of my hard admission. “Nate?” Her words are now much softer, and filled with an understanding of the demons I’m fighting with. Starting slow, I began, “I’ve never had this much inner turmoil before, it’s senseless and irrational and it’s driving me fucking nuts. My whole life I’ve had control over everything, my career, my time in the military and the men under me, my company, and my feelings, but with Casey, I have no control over how I feel about her, how I want her, need her in my life, and I have no control over changing her past, and that’s ripping me to shreds. I want to protect her, consume her, I want to wrap her in my arms and absorb every bit of pain that she has ever suffered and take it from her, but I can’t.” Lynda takes a step closer to me and gently runs her hand over my cheek.
“Then that’s what you have to tell her, and all that turmoil you’re feeling Nate… it’s called love.” Looking at her soft smile, my eyes searching her moist eyes, I see it. “And love is not controllable it ties you into knots and it makes you crazy to the extent that you think you’re going insane, but once you accept what you’re feeling and embrace it with every part of you, the feeling is euphoric, inexplicable and all that chaos- and confusion will fade as your love grows stronger and stronger. I understand this is all new to you Nate.”
“You make me sound like the innocent virgin king,” I grin.
“Well, you are where your heart is concerned. Just because you’ve had a lot of sex doesn’t mean that you have experience where matters of the heart are concerned. That was just sex, just something to satisfy the itch in your balls, no feelings or ties to the person, but love, love is a completely different thing Nate, a totally new experience one that takes time to grow. Like a fire, it starts off as a small flame and you stoke it and play around with it making adjustments until you have a roaring strong hot flame. You and Casey started with a flame that was growing until a little water got to it, so now you both need to be tender and understanding with it and coax it back into a fire and keep all that past water away from it.” Her theory makes me smile.
“When the hell did you become a love doctor.”
Throwing back her head with a laugh, she says, “When I married your brother. You King men are so concentrated on protecting the ones you love, you forget how to step back and think sometimes.” I give her a nod in agreement, then pull her into my arms in a warm hug.
“Thank you, ” I tell her.
“No need to thank me Nate you deserve all the happiness in the world and so does Casey, so go fight for her.”
Laying in bed that night in the spare room, I found myself going over and over what I needed to say to Casey. I need her to understand what my thoughts have been for the past few days, and I need her to know how much I love her and hope that she forgives me for acting like such an asshole. As my eyes get heavy with sleep and with the satisfaction of laying my own demons down to rest, I feel a slight adrenaline surge at the thought of helping Casey slay her demons and putting them to rest for good.
Chapter Forty-one
Casey
Slowly opening my eyes, I squint against the sunlight coming through the window and move my head, only to be hit by a throbbing pain. With a groan, I move my hair away from my face and realize that I hadn’t closed the blinds last night and now I have the full morning sun boring into my face. Sheepishly I slowly sit up, dropping my legs over the side of the bed, blinking back the sleep and the effects of that weird colored but tasty alcohol I had managed to devour last night while I sat out on the balcony and enjoyed the feeling of the light rain shower. After tossing and turning most of the night with the images of painful dream sequences fading in and out, I eventually got up, went downstairs and rummaged through the bar until I found something slightly palatable. Also in the bar I had found an almost empty packet of Nate’s cigarette’s and matches so, together with my bottle of booze, I went out onto the balcony, lit up a cigarette and drank the weird colored liquid, slowly, and there I stayed until the bottle was empty and it had been steadily raining for about the last hour.
Looking down at my shirt it was still damp I must have just crawled into bed drunk and wet. Well at least I slept solidly, so that was a plus, but on the negative side I feel like crap and I think someone is in my head wielding a pickaxe right now. Getting up and making my way to the bathroom, I pull my shirt and panties off as I go, then I ease into the shower and turn on the water and just stand under the spray, hoping it will somehow drown me. Stepping from the bathroom in what seems like hours later, I feel somewhat more human now I have washed and used most of the toothpaste to get rid of the disgusting taste of an old ashtray out of my mouth. I pull on a fresh pair of panties, a pair of s
horts and t-shirt, then pull my wet hair up into a bun. When I open the door to head downstairs, I smell the aroma in the air of freshly brewed coffee and something else.
Slowly walking down the stairs and walking into the kitchen I see a white box sitting in the middle of the table. Lifting the lid, the box is full of several different types of Danish pastries, so fresh my mouth starts to water. Lifting my head I glance around but see no-one sooo… I slip my hand into the box and pull out a flaky square of buttery pastry that has a line of dark chocolate covered in powdered sugar on top of it. Bringing it up to my mouth and taking a bite, I moan at the taste. “Nice to see they taste as good as they smell.” A deep voice from behind me makes me jump and swivel so fast I almost drop my piece of pastry heaven. Nate walks into the kitchen and pulls out two mugs from the overhead cupboard and fills them with hot coffee, placing a mug on the kitchen island close to me, then taking a sip from the other mug in his hand. As he leans against the bench I watch as his eyes move over first my body, then my face.
“You look…” he starts and I finish the sentence for him.
“Yes I know, like shit.”
“I was going to say tired.” He finishes.
Pulling myself up onto a stool, I say, “Yeah well, it was a rough night.” Looking up at him he looks at me puzzled. “Let’s just say I decided to help myself to something in your bar, thinking it might help me sleep.”
“And did it?.” He said, quirking a brow.
“Yes, but at the price of a throbbing headache.” He moves to a drawer and pulls out some ibuprofen, sliding the box towards me before filling a glass with water and placing it down next to the box.
“Why were you drinking?” he asks softly.
“I told you I couldn’t sleep, I thought it might help, I also borrowed one of your cigarettes too…Yuck.”
“Sounds like you had yourself a party.”
“Yeah, whoopee doo for me hey?” I say making a twirling motion in the air with one finger. When he chuckles at my comment, I look at him. He looks, weary but so fucking good, his black hair mussed and tousled, a dark shadow of hair grazing along his jaw, black t-shirt stretched over his wide muscled chest and thick biceps down to a low slung pair of jeans.
As I finish my pastry in between swallowing the ibuprofen and sipping the coffee he studies my every movement, but he’s silent while he drinks from his own mug. Then he says, in a low serious tone. “We need to talk.”
Leaning my elbow on the bench with my hand against my cheek, I sigh.“We do.” He places his mug down on the marble top and pushes his hands into his pockets. “I’m not sure where to start.” He looks out across at the windows, then back to me. I close my eyes at his words and softly say, “It’s ok Nate, I understand.” I swallow back my emotions which have risen into my throat. “I don’t need any explanation, it’s a hard thing for anyone to deal with, and I understand, I do, but please don’t make it any harder than it is,” I start to babble. I just want to get this over with quickly, no more waiting, no more uncertainty, no more pain for either of us. “I know how hard it’s been for you, but after everything you’ve given me let me give you something back. Let me spare you the shame and embarrassment of what you saw and now know. I understand that you can’t be with someone like me and it’s fine. It hurts, but somehow I will learn to live with it. I’ve had it all my life. I don’t know any different than the shame and disgust I feel for myself .” I jump when his hand slams down on the marble bench, making it shake.
“Stop! What the hell are you talking about?” he growls at me, and that sound makes me stop for a moment and take a breath. “I’m apologizing to you,” he grits out, pointing a finger at me punctuating his last word.
My jaw drops, shocked “What? What for?”
“For being a total asshole, for walking away from you.”
“No, no” I shake my head and he makes his way around the kitchen island until he’s standing right in front of me then reaches out, taking both of my elbows in his hands.
“Listen to me, what I did was wrong, I distanced myself from you because I was trying to protect you, I was filled with so much rage and fury and anguish that I wanted to protect you from seeing any of it.” Dropping his grip on my elbows he turns and walks towards the wall of windows and stares out.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper and he looks at me.
“For what?”
“For making you feel that way. Hurting you is not what I wanted to do, you gave me so much of my life back Nate, you helped me to feel again, you dropped a rope into that deep black hole I was in and helped pull me up out of it…. You gave me freedom and all I gave you in return was secrets and distrust so…. That’s why I am going to give you your freedom Nate.”
Taking a step towards me, his eyes dark with confusion, he says “What the hell do you mean?”
“The last thing I ever wanted to do was to cause you so much pain and confusion, and that’s why I’m going home and letting you go back to your life, the life you lived before I came into it.”
“The fuck you are,” he yells so loud it makes me cringe, then he takes the few steps to close the gap between us. “I can assure you that you are not going anywhere.” His words are deep and slow like he’s making sure I hear him, then he points to the couch and barks out the words. “You will sit and you will listen.” Keeping my eyes on his, I slowly lower myself down onto the couch and after a few minutes of him pacing back and forth he drops down onto the couch across from me, propping his elbows on his knees and bracing his fingers together.
“The anger that I had was not aimed at you, it was aimed at me.” I start to interrupt him but he holds up one hand and stops me. Taking a deep breath, then letting it out slowly, he says, “I’ve always been in control of everything in my life, and I mean everything, and I have seen some horrific things in my life, but when I saw what you had gone through, it made me sick to the bottom of my stomach. Not only for the way you had suffered for so long but because I had no control over it. Inside it burned me with so much anger and guilt because I pushed you to break and give in to me, then I pushed you more until our passion became rough and wild, and I hate myself for that, and I hate myself for not listening to you. I should have taken things much slower and I’m disappointed with myself because I thought we had built up a trust between us.”
“But we have,” I blurt out.
“Then why did you feel like you couldn’t tell me what was hurting you?” The sadness and pain in his beautiful grey eyes hits me like a sledgehammer right in the middle of my chest.
“It wasn’t the lack of trust Nate. At first, it was out of habit, a lifestyle that I have been used to for years I was born in shame and it has followed me around all of my life.”
“Don’t say that,” he says, shaking his head.
“But it’s the truth, I was born because of a broken condom not out of parental love, and once I arrived they always made it clear to me that I was a dirty mistake that they were ashamed of. I could never do anything right for them, and when I was taken I was more of a shame for them to deal with. Hell, they loved me so much they didn’t even pay the ransom money.” I feel the sting of tears prick at my eyes. “When I was found and taken back to them, they weren’t overjoyed or relieved that I was alive, they treated me like I was a dirty piece of garbage.” I looked up into Nate’s pained face. “You know what my own mother said to me one night? She said the best thing that could have happened to me was if I had died at the hands of Max Sullivan because I was too broken, beyond repair, and it would have been better for everyone.” I see the vein in Nate’s neck grow tense and his nostrils flare in anger as he grinds his teeth and curses under his breath.
“Motherfuckers.”
“The only person I have ever had in my life that I trust fully is Flynn, until…you. I’m sorry for bringing all this turmoil into your life, you deserve better.”
“Don’t say that” he yells and stands from the couch moving around the coffee table u
ntil he is in front of me. He bends down and pushes my legs open until he is cradled in between them rubbing his hands up my thighs until they stop at my waist. His thumbs gently move to stroke against my sides, looking deeply into my eyes, his own piercing into me with so much emotion in them. “You are the only woman I want, you’re the only woman I want to deserve Casey. I am in awe of you baby. I want you in my life. You may have brought turmoil into my life but fuck, I am so glad you did, and I cannot and will not be without you.” My eyes search his for some kind of validation and I see so much reverence and adoration in them and it makes my heart swell with so much love for this man. I feel my tears break free and slide down my cheeks as I place my hands on either side of his face, feeling the scruff under my palms and we just lose ourselves in each other’s eyes, silently communicating to each other how much we feel, and we stay like that for what feels like hours, until I watch his eyes fill with a strong determination as he says, “I need you in my life, at any cost. I’ve fought with my own insecurities and I will not let you go.” He leans his forehead against mine. “I love you Casey and everything that comes with you, your past, your present and your future. I want all of you, the good, the bad and the broken. I love every inch of you with everything that I am, you just have to let me love you…understand?” When he moves his face away from mine I see the love and conviction in his eyes and I feel it in his touch, and because of the love that he is pouring into my soul, that forked path in my life is clearer than it’s ever been before, and I’m taking the path marked future with him. I watch as his eyes study mine as he waits for a response and I give it to him as I move my mouth closer to his lips and whisper, “I love you so much.”
