Cowgirl Thrillers

by Barbara Neville

We head back to whatever we were doing in the map room. Ah, yes, relaxing with a drink. I pour further libations.

  “What’s for dessert?” I ask, looking around the kitchen.

  “Chocolate chip cookies,” says Spud, holding one up.

  We grab some and go lounge on the couches. Sir Jacob and Michael finish up with their patients and join us.

  “They are resting quietly,” says Michael.

  “Buzz,” I say, “You can tell the story.”

  “Yes,” says Buzz. “Mitch took the buffalo from the cave. He met with Soames, who got the drop on him, took the carving and stiffed him. No money.”

  “Will we be able to retrieve it?” Sir Jacob asks.

  “Mitch is likely to have an idea where Soames put it,” says Buzz. “I trust that we can persuade him to share.”

  “I wonder why Soames had him bleach his hair and dress in cowboy clothes?” I ask.

  “So that Mitch could wander about without drawing curiosity. He is tall like us. At a distance, if anyone other than us saw him, he could easily be mistaken for one of our crowd.”

  “Speaking of our crowd,” I say. “What I don’t understand Sir Jacob is how, if you, Mose and Buzz all went to Oxford together, Buzz is so much younger. That don’t compute in my sorry brain.”

  “Ah,” says Sir Jacob, raising a finger, “that is a good question.”

  He turns to Buzz and asks, “You were full grown, Buzz, when you arrived at Oxford?”

  “Ah, yes, I was a young adult when my mother put me on the ship to Britannia ever so many years ago.”

  “You were like eighteen?” I ask.

  “I was approximately sixteen, by your reckoning.”

  “Sixteen then. And you went right into Oxford?”

  “Yes, early admission. We homeschool on Bãngh. Mama had me take Oxford entry exams.”

  “So, they were older?” I ask.

  “They are a bit older, I suppose. Mose and Sir Jacob had a few adventures before entering school. They used to relate such exciting stories of exotic places,” says Buzz. “They most certainly took me under their wing, as it were. Helped me to fit in with the crowd there. Earthkind, you know.”

  Sir Jacob smiles at the memory and says, “Buzz was in awe of us and our adventures. Likewise, we were fascinated by his alien life on Bãngh. As Sir Steven used to say, we sho’ did take a shine to one anothah.”

  Sir Jacob continues, “The crux of the matter seems to me to be the rules of human aging. Buzz isn’t subject to them.”

  We all look at him.

  “Say what?” I ask.

  “Bãngh are different, eh? Since they left Earth ever so many centuries ago, there have been mutations, changes in their DNA that have made them different from us,” says Sir Jacob. “Buzz by my reckoning, is only two years younger than I. I believe the Bãngh, if they are not biologically immortal, at the very least, age much more slowly than we do. I mean, look at the man, he looks your age, but he must at least fifty. He hasn’t aged a day since Oxford.”

  That raises some eyebrows.

  Buzz says, “I don’t understand.”

  “Bloody hell, man,” he says, looking at Buzz. “I wish I had your complexion.”

  Buzz is still puzzled.

  “Look at my face man, wrinkles. My hair is beginning to turn grey. You look closer in age to Spud and Annie.”

  “Pardon, but to me, humans all look alike,” says Buzz. “More or less. However, now that you mention it. I believe you do look different than you did back at school.”

  Sir Jacob spreads his arms in acquiescence and says, “Much as I hate to admit it, the mirror ever reminds me.”

  “Hmph,” says Spud, looking too young to ever believe he will get wrinkles.

  “Immortal.” I say, “Were the Norse gods immortal? I could go for that.”

  Michael is chuckling at my farfetched half Bãngh or maybe just half Norse god theory.

  Spud says, “Okay, back to brass tacks here, we still want the buffalo, what now?”

  “Do you have a suggestion?” I ask, knowing Spud.

  “I think that together they will tell us more, and sooner,” he says. “I figger they’ll each fight to be the first to show off their knowledge. But first, before the sun goes down, we best do a security check. Just in case that bunch has more friends about.”

  “What the hell.” I shrug and add, “Why not?”

  Wolf stands and stretches. He says, “Wolf go scout. Spud right, could be more enemy about. White man not to be trusted.”

  I look around the room and say, “Sir Jacob and Michael, and at least half of you, Wolf and me and Spud. White. Can’t be trusted.”

  “I feel left out,” says Buzz.

  “Buzz honorary Injin,” says Wolf. “Trustworthy.”

  He grins, nods and leaves.

  Buzz looks quite pleased.

  “Too large of a crowd for Wolf,” says Sir Jacob to Buzz.

  “Yep. He gets antsy indoors,” agrees Spud. “I better go help him.”

  “Wolf ain’t the only one who gets antsy,” I say, after Spud walks out. “Scoutin’. It’s Wolf’s fervent wish come true. All Injin, all the time.”

  “Rather,” says Buzz, beaming at apparently having gained Wolf’s acceptance.

  Sir Jacob grins, also. Then he stands and says, “I am headed down to peruse the Ugh. Anyone else have knowledge, or care to have a look? It will give our patients time to recuperate from their newest traumas.”

  Buzz stands up, saying. “Indeed. I would enjoy a gander.”

  They head across the room.

  Sir Jacob is saying, “Good gad, are Bãngh actually biologically immortal, Buzz?”

  As they walk through the arched doorway, I can hear Buzz saying, “I never imagined humans weren’t like us. And, yes, proprieties aside, I had noticed your hair and skin. Sorry.”

  “Annie,” says Michael, shaking his head at the craziness of life, “let’s make the patients some food. You can help me carry trays down to them. They need to eat. If they are still sleeping, we can leave the food there for them.”

  Later, as Michael and I near the clinic with our delicious offerings of goat cheese burgers and fries, we can hear the two talking.

  “Do you think that Buzz is the guy we are looking for?” asks Crystal. “He does bear a resemblance to you.”

  “I don’t know, my head hurts too much to care,” says Mitch.

  We head into the room.

  “Here, asshole, food. Are you hungry?”

  “Yes, thank you, I am starved,” says Mitch.

  Michael says, “If you cooperate, I will give you a pill to stop the pain.”

  “Okay, okay. Bloody hell. That bleeding Soames bastard shot me in the frickin head.”

  “And, he hit me over the head. Doesn’t make any damn sense. He hired us,” says Crystal. “Why would he hurt us?”

  “One. Yore a bitch,” I say. “Hell, I’d hurt ya fer that alone.”

  Crystal ignores this. “We needed the money. It was a packet of money. Shit, with Soames dead, I suppose there will be no piasters, eh?”

  “No fuckin’ piasters,” I say and grin.

  I hear a noise and turn around. Honorary Injin Buzz, true to form, has snuck up again and is standing in the doorway looking befuddled.

  “I am perplexed. I’ve no idea why the man would hire someone to impersonate me.”

  I look back at Mitch and ask, “Can you explain what Soames hired you to do?”

  Crystal looks stubborn. Mitch looks at her and says, “Bastard’s dead now. We have got nothing to lose.”

  Crystal thinks on it, then shrugs and nods.

  Mitch says, “You are correct. Before we left Pi Crystal bleached my hair and cut it to match a picture Jonny showed us. He had me dress like it, too. Then when we arrived here on the Rock, Soames sent me to that crystal cave to get the buffalo carving. I tied my horse out a ways, in the trees and walked in. There were two carvings there. They were so large th
at I could only carry one at a time. So I got the one. Then I ran into that crazy girl. She wouldn’t answer my questions, wouldn’t talk at all. She made it clear that she wanted the buffalo. I wouldn’t give it to her. She tried to pull it out of my arms. I held tight.

  “She went bonkers when she realized I was stronger and bit the bloody hell out of me. I tried to stop her but she kept struggling. Finally, I got her sorta subdued. I put the carving down, got hold of her wrists and tied her up. Hands and feet. That way she couldn’t take the other carving before I got back to retrieve it.

  She kept struggling, fought like a wildcat. Grunting and fighting the ropes. Eventually, she rolled away and fell down that little hole. That hole was deep. My arm was too short to reach her. I tried talking to her, but she was quiet. Too quiet, I mean, not even a grunt or anything. So I got the buffalo and left in a hurry. I figured I’d get back to Soames and we would return with a rope to help her. Right?

  “I headed out and met Soames. He wanted me to go back for the other buffalo carving. He said to forget about the girl. That was not right in my book. Good gods, she needed help, if she was alive. I told him that I needed rope to tie the second buffalo to the pack frame, but actually I was thinking of rescuing that girl. I could lower myself down and get her out if she didn’t try to bite again. He finally did give me a rope, ostensibly for lashing the buffalo.

  “I hiked back to the area. But when I got close to the cave, I heard a whoop. I realized I wasn’t alone, so I climbed a hill to spy and saw that you had already saved her. I waited until you left and went in for the other carving, but it was gone.

  Afterward, I met up with Crystal and we tried to get back to Soames, but the river was deeper than we ever thought it would be. We tried to ride across. I was sure thet all was lost when the current swept us off the horses and into all those logs. I grabbed one and held on for dear life, but I got so cold and tired, I couldn’t move. I couldn’t see Crystal. I yelled and yelled. I got so cold in the end that, I just held on tight. It was all I could do. The log spun on downstream and eventually lodged against some trees. I climbed onto them and on into shore. I started looking for Crystal, but my ankle hurt. Then, I found that horse and rode him up and down searching for Crystal.”

  “Okay,” I say.

  Mitch continues, “When I found Crystal the next day, we argued about Soames. He didn’t seem so great anymore to me, but Crystal was adamant that we keep working long enough to get the packet of money. Blimey, we are both lucky to be alive. Jonny was murderous.”

  “And the buffalo?” I ask. “Do you know where it is?”

  “Possibly,” says Mitch. “I gave it to Soames. It could be stashed in that old cabin where they were staying. If I find it for you, will you let us live?”

  Michael, Buzz and I exchange startled glances. We had been bluffing.

  “I expect we shall,” says Buzz dryly.

  We take Mitch up to the map room and he points out where Soames hideout is, just a few miles from where Wolf’s spirit deer sighting took place.

  As I usher him back down to our improvised holding cell, Mitch turns to me and says, “Listen, Annie, I’m really sorry about the whole bank deal. We was caught dead to rights. Crystal thought quick. She knew you and Michael had one foot off planet already, so the whole story fell together. You guys got away. Hell, I even arranged the transport to get your horses back to you. I know how you love them nags.”

  “I didn’t know that,” I say, plumb flabbergasted. “Wow. Thank you.”

  “You are welcome.”

  I guess the man ain’t all bad. Couldn’t have been easy or cheap to smuggle them horses out.

  “Hell, it’s true I left you for Crystal, and I wasn’t too nice about it,” he says. “But, heck, I was head over heels for her. I still worship the ground she walks on. You and me had fun, but she is the one for me. I’m sure sorry you two don’t get along.”

  “If she wasn’t such a lying, two faced bitch…” I start.

  “Now, Annie calm down, she isn’t anywhere near as bad as you make her out to be. She is real good to me,” says Mitch.

  I lock him back in the room with Crystal, musing as I walk away. Mitch is obviously blinded by love. Been there myself, with the very same Mitch, not making that mistake again. Men are for fun, not for keeps.

  48 Blast