by Erin Noelle
She saw Max as much as possible around the school work, even if it meant they just got to sleep in the same bed a couple of nights a week. They were so adorable together and I loved seeing Evie happy all of the time. I continued to see Mason, and by “see” I meant do every sexual act that I had ever wanted to do with a guy except actual penetration, several times a week. He would pick me up and take me to dinner and we would go to the bar for a while either for him to do a set with Jobu’s Rum or occasionally one of us would perform at open mic night. We had a hard time keeping our hands off of one another when we were together whether in public or in private. I craved his touch; the orgasmic release that he brought me to over and over again allowed me to temporarily forget about the emptiness in my heart that only the love of Ash Walker could fill.
Mason knew how I felt about Ash, I had been forthcoming with him from the beginning. He always told me that Ash was the biggest fucking tool ever for not pursuing a relationship with me, but that he owed him a thank you because it allowed us time to spend together. I liked Mason, more than I wanted to admit. His was brutally honest and really didn’t care what anyone else thought about him. I envied his carefree attitude and self-confidence. I loved being around him and I loved being wrapped around him even more. It had become impossible for me to remain emotionally unattached from him, as much as I tried. It seemed that I was determined to set myself up for heartbreak no matter what.
Ash and I continued on as we had been… friends. He, along with Jess, Meg, & the crew, became regulars at Mason’s bar on Friday nights where he often performed. I would always go over to say hello to all of them, but never lingered. Ash never asked me up onstage with him again, but I couldn’t help but wonder if his song selections at times were made on my behalf. Often the lyrics hit a little close to home, but I did my best to ignore him and focus my attention on Mason. The only time we ever mentioned the time spent at the bar when we were together Saturday nights was when he complimented me on a performance and vice versa.
Evie and I introduced Mason and Max and they hit it off immediately. Together they had booked both Jobu’s Rum and 32 Leaves to play at a music festival in Dallas. The festival was scheduled the third weekend of December which unfortunately, was the weekend before mine and Evie’s comprehensive Biology final. We were super bummed that we couldn’t go watch our men in action, but instead we spent the three days studying and hanging out like we used to do. We watched girly movies, drank cheap wine, and painted each other’s toes. Other than the studying part, the weekend was exactly what I needed. Reconnecting with Evie reminded me of what a wonderful friend she had been to me for so many years. She had taken me under her wing time and time again, and without her I wouldn’t have been anywhere near the person I was. I owed her everything, and now that my parents no longer wanted to be a part of my life, she was all that I had.
Monday morning arrived before I knew it. I was thankful that after the Biology final, I would be finished with classes for the semester - my first semester of college in the books, literally. Luckily the dorms that we lived in did not make us vacate over the holidays because both Evie and I wanted to stay in Houston as long as possible. Mason and Max were scheduled to be back the following day and we were both in need of some serious “stress relief.” Sunday night Evie went to bed early because of another headache. She said she wanted to make sure she slept it off before the exam the following morning.
I was surprised that by the time I entered the kitchen in the morning that Evie wasn’t up yet. She always woke up before me. I yelled out to her, “Evie, get your scrawny ass up. We’ve got to leave in 45 minutes.” I went on about my morning routine, getting the coffee started and making us both a bowl of cereal. After I didn’t hear her start moving around, I called out to her again, “Evie! Wake up! Come on, chica, you’re cereal is going to get soggy!” Still no response.
I started to get worried so I made my way to her room and swung the door open. “Evelyn Rose, get up now!” I barked, but she did not move. Instantly, I knew something was very wrong. I ran to her bed and grabbed her arm. I gasped and dropped it immediately. The lack of color and cold, clammy feel of her skin confirmed my worst fear; she was dead. Lifeless. My best friend was gone forever. Shock set in instantaneously. Nausea consumed my entire body. A sob rooted deep in my chest traveled up the back of my throat and obstructed the air flow, forcing me to breathe in loud gasps. Thousands upon thousands of thoughts crossed through my mind - it happened so fast, I could not process anything and soon my head was pounding. I had so many questions. What happened? Why? How long had she been like this? How did I not know that something was this wrong? How could this be happening? What am I going to tell her parents? What am I going to do without her? What am I supposed to do? Why her? Why me? Why? I just couldn’t stop - I was afraid my brain was going to explode from sheer overload. Thoughts were moving so fast they were almost a blur. I’m not sure how long I sat on her bed next to her, it could’ve been 5 minutes or 5 hours, but eventually a warm numb spread across me. The thoughts stopped for the most part, my stomach didn’t hurt as bad, and soon I just didn’t feel at all. I was so disconnected, like I was watching life through someone else’s eyes or something. It was unearthly almost. Reality hit hard when it hit and I knew I had calls to make, most definitely the single hardest phone call that I would ever make in my life.
Eventually I mustered up the strength to pull myself out of her bed and went to search for my phone. The call to Evie’s parents was even worse than I imagined. No one should have to tell a parent that their child is dead, especially not someone that loved the deceased nearly as much as the parents did. I threw up several times after hanging up with them. Miraculously, I made it through the phone call without crying. I still had not shed a tear, it was like my tear ducts had dried up.
My next call was to 911 and the appropriate services were dispatched. The operator offered to stay on the line with me until someone arrived, but I declined. I needed to be sick again.
The next call was to my parents. Even though our few conversations over the last several months had been awkward at best, I knew that they would want to know. My mom was deeply saddened by the news, she began crying immediately. She offered my old room to me if I needed a place, I told her thanks and that I would let her know, but I knew I would never stay there again. Our relationship had become so strained, staying there would be more uncomfortable than I was willing to bear.
I sat on the couch until the police and ambulance arrived. They asked me questions. I answered them. I did not feel anything. I just sat there. They took her body and then I was alone. Completely alone.
Evie’s parents got there in what seemed like minutes, even though it must have taken several hours. They found me sitting on the couch, I couldn’t move. I couldn’t think and I couldn’t move. I heard Evie’s mom call Jess to come stay with me so that she and Evie’s dad could go to the hospital. Jess, Meg, and Ash all showed up some time later. I could see the red rims of their eyes and the dried up tears on all of their faces. I still hadn’t cried. What was wrong with me? I thought maybe I was dreaming or maybe it was me that was dead, but when Jess shoveled scalding hot soup into my mouth and burnt every taste bud on my tongue, the nightmare that my life had become was confirmed to indeed be real.
The rest of the day was a blur really. At some point I got off the couch and moved into my bed, or someone carried me there, I really couldn’t remember. I woke up there in the dead of night, screaming at the top of my lungs, the vision of Evie dead in her bed had stamped into my brain. Moments later Ash and Meg were both on my bed, both holding and rocking me as they tried to calm me down. I guess I fell back asleep because the next thing I remembered was waking up to the sun peeking through my blinds. They were both still in on either side of me, their arms wrapped around me. I’m sure the three of us looked ridiculous scrunched on that full sized bed, but I was relieved they were there.
I got out of bed and headed for the bathroo
m. I knew they both woke up when I got off the bed, but neither of them said anything to me.
“Thank you,” I choked out before I disappeared behind the bathroom door.
For the most part I was still pretty numb. It was like my brain wouldn’t allow me to think about it, about her. I guess it was some sort of self-preservation defense mechanism or something. But I knew that I couldn’t stay in bed for the rest of my life; I needed to figure out what was going on, what I was supposed to do next. I knew that I had to keep moving, one foot in front of the other, just keep moving. The first step was a shower.
When I got out, Ash and Meg were no longer in my room. I appreciated the privacy since I had forgotten to take clothes with me and only had a towel wrapped around me. I threw on some jeans and a t-shirt and went to face my Evie-less future.
I found Ash and Meg sitting at the table, each holding a cup of coffee, but neither drinking it. They sat silently, staring at nothing, lost in sleep-deprived thoughts. When I entered the room, they both stood up quickly and rushed to my side.
“I’m fine, I’m fine,” I said softly. We all knew I was lying. I looked at Meg first, thanking her for the night before with just my look. She smiled slightly and said “you’re welcome” with a nod. Then I turned to Ash. He engulfed my body with his before I could say a word. He held me so tight up against him, I was afraid he was going to bruise my ribs. But I didn’t say a word. I needed him to hold me close. I needed to feel protected and close to someone. I needed to not feel alone
“Oh, butterfly…” were the only words he needed to say.
I pulled my head out of his chest and looked up at him, but stayed snuggled against Ash’s warm body. “So what’s the plan? Have any arrangements been made? Where are her parents?” I began with my questions.
Meg spoke up from behind me. “Evie’s parents are at our house staying with Jess. They made arrangements yesterday for a small service this afternoon at the funeral home’s chapel. They are going to have her cremated so there won’t be a graveside service.” I flinched when she said the word “cremated.”
“Meg, that’s enough,” Ash scolded her as he tightened his hold on me.
I shook my head, “No, that’s okay. She needs to be honest with me and I want to know what’s going on.” I took a deep breath. “Do they know what happened? Why?”
“Initial reports showed a brain bleed. They were doing further tests overnight so we should know more today,” Meg answered again.
A brain bleed? The headaches, the fatigue, her weakening eyesight… it all made sense. I should have pushed her to go to a different doctor. I should have made sure that she followed up with someone when the headaches didn’t go away. I should have done something that would have saved her life.
“Has anyone called Max?” I blurted out. Ash and Meg looked at each other and shook their heads.
“No, I don’t think so,” Ash said quietly.
“I need to call him. He should be on his way home from Dallas now. He was there playing at a music festival over the weekend,” I explained as I broke free from Ash’s arms.
“You really don’t need to do that right now, Scarlett.” He tried to wrangle me back in, but I stepped further away from him.
“No, I do. He needs to get here in time for the service. He wouldn’t want to miss it.” I began searching the dorm for my apartment for my phone when I made the realization that Evie’s boyfriend and Evie’s parents would meet for the first time at her funeral. I rushed to the bathroom only to discover that there was nothing left in my stomach to discard.
A few minutes later I had gathered myself enough to leave the bathroom and make the dreadful call to Max. He answered on the first ring.
“Hey Scarlett, what’s up?”
“Hey Max, are you guys on your way home?”
“Yeah, we left a little more than an hour ago. Why? Is everything okay? Where’s Evie?”
“No, Max, everything is not okay. You need to get home as soon as possible. Come straight here.”
“Scarlett, you are scaring me. What’s going on?”
“I can’t talk about it over the phone, Max. I just need you to get here. And please, don’t say anything to Mason for me.”
“He’s in a different car, I won’t see him again until we get back. Scarlett, tell me what’s going on! Where the fuck is Evie? Is she hurt?”
“Just get here, Max.”
I hit the end button and stared at the phone. Why was this happening to me?
“If you were going to call him, you should’ve told him, Scarlett,” Ash said. “He’s going to be worried sick. He’s going to think the worst.”
“He should think the worst, Ash! She’s dead! That’s about as fucking bad as it gets!” I screamed at him. I stormed into my room and slammed my door. I threw myself on my bed and hid my head under my pillow. I wanted to disappear. I wanted everyone and everything to go away. I wanted to be alone. I still didn’t cry.
Unfortunately, Ash either didn’t get the hint or decided to ignore it because a few minutes later, I heard my door open and close quietly. He climbed into bed with me and gathered me into his arms. He held me close, rubbing my back, and kissing the top of my head. “It’s going to be okay, butterfly. I promise. I know it doesn’t seem that way right now, but I promise you are going to be just fine. I will be here for you, for whatever you need. Jess and Meg and you and me… we are all going to get through this together, okay?”
I didn’t respond. I didn’t really think he was looking for an answer anyways. I knew he was saying what he thought I needed to hear, and honestly, it did make me feel a little better even though I knew he had no idea if I was going to be okay or anyone else for that matter. I let him hold me until I heard Evie’s mom’s voice carry through the thin walls of the dorm. I got up, knowing that I needed to be strong for her. She had just lost her only child, and I owed it to her to make this day as painless as possible. There simply wasn’t room for any more pain.
Chapter 28
The funeral was… well, it was a funeral. Evie’s parents kept it very small and low-key. In addition to a few of Evie’s extended family members, Jess was there with Jacob, Nicholas, Vicki, Meg, and Ash. Mina and all of the 32 Leaves’ members were there to support Max. He seemed to have taken the same approach to life post-Evie as I had - numb. I sat with Evie’s parents in the front row, my parents couldn’t make it with such short notice. After the priest conducted the formal portion of the ceremony, they opened the floor to anyone who wanted to speak.
Jess approached the microphone first. I was so proud of her as she kept herself together as she retold funny stories of her and Evie being mischievous and getting in trouble when they were kids. Max walked to the front of the room next, his acoustic in tow. Just looking at him broke my heart even more, and at that point, I thought that feat was impossible. He pulled a stool from the side of the altar area and sat down, his guitar in his lap.
“I never in a million years thought I would I meet someone as perfect for me as Evie was. I still can’t believe that she’s gone. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m just going to play this song.” I had never heard Max sing or play the guitar before; he played the bass and occasionally the keyboard in the band. But he was good, really good. He poured his heart into every word of that song. When he sang the words, “And if you were with me tonight, I’d sing to you just one more time, A song for a heart so big, God wouldn’t let it live,” I almost lost it. I almost broke down in uncontrollable tears. I almost allowed myself to feel all of the pain that was sitting there, waiting to be let into my heart. Almost.
It took every bit of willpower I had to make me move and take Max’s place on the stool once he had finished. I had to sit down because there was no way that my legs were going to hold me up for long. Typically, I would’ve been a little nervous to speak in front of people, especially unprepared, but since my emotion switch was securely on the off position, I was immune to the nerves as well. I addressed t
he small gathering.
“As you all know, Evie has been my best friend for forever. There really aren’t words that can do her justice; she was my rock, my everything. I hope everyone is blessed enough to have someone as wonderful as Evie in their lives. Despite how awful I feel in this exact moment, and believe me, I never imagined that I could hurt so Goddamn much, I wouldn’t give a moment back. Not one single moment.” I managed to make it back to the pew next to Evie’s mom without tripping on an imaginary stump or passing out cold. I didn’t hear much more of what was said from that point on. I tuned everything out until I saw everyone stand up and start walking towards the door.
Before the funeral, Evie’s parents had spoken with me privately about how they wanted to handle Evie’s things and the dorm for the rest of the year. They gave me her car, just flat out gave it to me. I tried repeatedly to refuse, but they insisted that they wanted me to have it. There were only a few items from her room that they wanted to take with them, a few photos and pieces of memorabilia. They told me that I could keep whatever I wanted and they would send someone to box up the rest for donations. In addition, they told me that they had prepaid for the dorm for the entire school year, and they wanted me to stay. I still hadn’t decided what I was going to do about the following semester, but I didn’t want to tell them that then. Finally, and most importantly, they offered their home to me - anytime, no questions. I would never forget her mom’s words to me, “Scarlett, you are our only daughter now, dear. Our home is your home, whenever you need it or want it. We will continue to take care of you as if you were our own. Evie would want that. We want that.” I nodded and thanked them both. I could not imagine how they could be so selfless and giving at a time when the most precious thing in their life had been tragically ripped away from them. I felt like a selfish bitch because all I could think about was how Evie’s death was going to affect me, how I was going to move on… I had given little thought to the utter devastation that her parents must be dealing with.
