by John Kerr
TWENTY-NINE
Jake was lost… in his head and on the ground. He had now walked for four days without any sleep. The last weeks had been torture. The thought of her being with someone else cut him in two. Jake could probably accept most things in life that came his way but he didn’t think he could get through this. It was an almighty struggle, and he could feel it was going to get a whole lot worse. Being on his own was nothing new for Jake, but he could feel that there was now a very large hole in his life. There was an emptiness that he had never experienced before. Everything seemed meaningless. He was on his own and felt really deep down that he always would be.
Jake hadn’t looked at his map, but it didn’t really matter; he was going nowhere. Stumbling about in the dark, making a conscious effort to make himself tired…then and only then would he maybe get some sleep. A quick forty winks was not enough, and Jake could feel his body beginning to shut down. It was just after 6.30 a.m. He ached badly through lack of sleep and hunger. Jake was getting dangerously cold as the rain started to fall and the darkness began to surrender to a new day. He was heading uphill and the silhouette in front of him told him it would be another half hour before he reached the top. If he cared. His body automatically leaned into the hill and he shortened his pace. The rain got heavier and began driving into his face. Closing his eyes, a picture of Vicky suddenly sprang into his head. Fuck, this was bad shit. He made an almighty effort to increase his pace but his body refused to up its tempo. There was very little left. Jake began to get scared.
Nearing the summit it got more and more rocky and the ground around became quite sparse. The stones had turned black with the rain, which was falling harder than ever. Suddenly it occurred to Jake that he might not make it out of here alive. For the first time in his life the thought that he wouldn’t walk out of a situation became a real possibility. Jake was walking on empty and he could feel it.
As he reached the top it flattened out and there was a small cairn in the distance. It sat in the centre of a grassy patch that would give his painful feet some much needed respite. Jake lifted his head and the rain began to hit his face hard; he was wet through and was on the verge of total collapse. It was first light and he could see in the distance the hills that appeared to go on forever. Jake was staggering wildly towards the summit and his pace had slowed to almost a crawl, his legs hurting like hell. Jake felt in his heart he could go no further and he sank to his knees as his chin fell onto his chest. He felt as if his life was ending there and then. Slowly he lifted his head skywards and the rain quickly mixed with the tears that ran down his face. Jake stretched his arms out as he looked towards the heavens, and that was the last thing he remembered. In a blinding flash, all went dark as he slumped face first into the soggy grass and passed out…. Jake was lost.
The warmth on Jake’s face gave little comfort as muscle spasms jolted him awake. His body was trying very hard to generate some sort of heat. It was now mid-afternoon and although the sun didn’t rise high in the sky it did warm him slowly. He woke in the foetal position, still wet through and in a terrible state. He knew full well that if he didn’t get himself together before nightfall he wouldn’t wake tomorrow. For the next few moments he contemplated the comfort death itself would bring… It would be painless… If he lay there for the next couple of hours, Jake knew he would lapse into unconsciousness and soon it would all be over. He turned over onto his back and looked up into the mid-afternoon sky. It was a struggle to look at the time on his watch. His eyes took several seconds to focus on the dial, 3.30 it read.
What to do?
Was it worth it?
Could he go on?
Did he want to?
Jake knew at the back of his mind and deep down inside his heart that he was a fighter. He was a soldier, different from the everyday soldier, yes, and some would even say special, but a soldier nevertheless. If he was going to die, he knew it couldn’t be this way. It would never be lying on his back without a shot being fired. Something forced Jake to stand up. Shit! He still had his pack on his back. It was a serious struggle to get the wet gear off and replace it with some dry clothes from his pack. It seemed an age before he had some hot brew and food down his neck. Before he knew it, it was almost 5 p.m. and, with only an hour left before darkness, he checked his map. He had travelled only fifty kilometres from home. Christ, he must have walked in fucking circles.
Jake quickly decided he would bed down for the night and head back at first light. He sorted out his feet and got into his sleeping bag for a good night’s rest, because tomorrow he was going back to work. He was going back to war…
THIRTY
The clock on the wall inside the pub said 8.15 p.m. The talk was of the growing tension in Africa. Even in this little place no one could ever completely escape the outside world, even if they wanted to. The Americans were on the verge of flexing their muscles in the Middle East, and there was even talk of India and Pakistan using nuclear weapons against each other, but all this was of little concern to Peter.
He sat listening to the people inside the bar give their opinions on the state of the world and how to deal with it. Little did they know that there were people not too far away who were trying to do just that. The usual faces were sitting at their usual places when the front door opened quietly and Jake entered. Heads turned to face him and most of the talking stopped… They knew Vicky was there, seated by the window with Justin. The atmosphere suddenly changed - you could feel it. Jake tried to ignore it, but the silence deafened him. He quickly glanced round the room and noted everything and everyone. He spotted Peter, went to the bar, got two whiskies for them both, and was sitting down in front of him within a couple of minutes of entering.
‘You’re waiting for me, then,’ he announced. Peter said nothing; he just stared at Jake intensely, trying hard to gauge his mental state without Jake noticing - Jake could see it in his eyes.
‘Are you okay?’ he finally asked.
‘Yeah, I’m fine; I was hoping you’d have hung about. This place was beginning to get on my nerves a little. I have been reconsidering your offer and I want to re-join The Circle. If you still have a place for me, I’d like to be apart of it again,’ Jake said, knowing that just by being there the Captain had already given his answer.
‘Yes, we do want you to come back, but that’s not the problem, Jake. You know it’s my job to make sure you’re ready and stable – mentally, that is - to resume where you left off. Now, you know better than me that it’s not an easy job, not by a long shot,’ answered Peter. Jake tried hard not to show his displeasure.
‘Look, sir, we will get on a whole lot better if you stop fucking patronising me. Just give me the information I need and I’ll get out of your face and this grubby little hole,’ said Jake, pointing a finger into Peter’s face. He could hardly contain his anger as he felt the tension rise inside him. Jake knew it was wrong to take it out on Peter; what had happened with Vicky certainly wasn’t his fault.
‘Listen, I don’t think you’re in the correct frame of mind right now, Jake.’
‘Why? Because she’s sitting over there with lover boy?’ said Jake, most definitely not wanting to bring her into the conversation. He couldn’t understand why he was doing it.
‘I think you should go for a short holiday, take a break,” said Peter.
‘I’ve had a long enough break. I want to get back to work. You need me and I can do a job for you. You’ve checked what I’ve done in the past. I want to be a soldier again and there’s nothing left to keep me here.’ Jake knew they were just playing games, but this game was uncalled for, unnecessary, and it fucking bored him.
‘Are you fit?’ the Captain asked.
‘Better than ever!’ Jake watched his newly acquired linkman and waited. Captain Soutar thought hard. Finally he looked straight into Jake’s eyes.
‘Okay, consider yourself back on the team but only because we’re up to our arses in it. When can you be ready to move?’ he asked relu
ctantly.
‘As soon as I change my socks.’ They both laughed and in an instant the ice was broken. The Captain saw an immediate change in Jake, as if a cloud had lifted. He couldn’t explain it. Little did he realise that, although they had just cleared a big hurdle, there were larger and tougher obstacles looming close on the horizon…
THIRTY-ONE
‘Okay, you have two different packages to be delivered. First is a group of religious fanatics holed up in a farmhouse on the east side of Briar Hill. Map number 58, Grid 015 872, four targets armed with AK47s. We think they are planning to lift the Israeli Ambassador to try and force the Israelis into pulling out of the West Bank. The second is a Real IRA safe house. Map Number 64, Grid 774580, three targets, MI6 and AK47s… two are sleepers and the third is a bomb maker who has just arrived up here. We think they are a breakaway cell who after a fall out between the hierarchy have decided that they don’t like the new Ireland and would like things to go back to how they were before the all party Government moved into Stormont. They could be moving to London sometime next week and we think the target for them is Whitehall itself. We are pretty keen that these two deliveries are carried out quite soon. Do you think you can handle it?’ Jake ignored the question and closed his eyes… sinking the grid numbers, strength of targets and weapons deep into his subconscious. He hadn’t had a reason to do this for a long time so he didn’t want to fuck it up before he’d even got started.
The information was stored before Jake replied.
‘I’ll deliver the safe house first - within the next forty-eight hours - then I’ll crack the farmhouse. I’ve got to pick up some gear and check it’s operational, plus there’s something else I have to liberate before I leave.’ Peter, with a slightly puzzled look on his face, studied his newfound friend closely.
‘What’s that, then?’ he enquired, digging. Jake glanced towards Vicky and slowly shook his head.
‘No… It’s nothing really, just an old friend I haven’t had any reason to see for a few years. But now I have to pick it up before I leave. Listen; will you do the necessary paperwork to get me back on the team? I don’t want to go back to work and still be a civilian.’
‘Don’t worry, that’s already been taken care of. As of last week you are back in Her Majesty’s Forces… Welcome home, mate,’ replied Peter, stretching out his right hand. Jake took hold of Peter’s hand and they shook firmly.
‘You bastards were sure of yourselves.’
‘Well, truth be told, it was Major Grant. He seemed to think that once you’d thought about it and realised that we really were in the shit, you would come through for us in the end… His words, not mine.’
‘Good old Major Grant…always did know how to read my pages. Still, I suppose that means I can afford to buy you another drink,’ said Jake as he lifted the empty glasses and made his way to the bar. Jake ordered two more whiskies and he somehow knew Vicky was now at his side. He was suddenly gripped with an overwhelming desire to run straight for the door. He knew he would feel safe outside but he made himself stay… Stay and face his torment. He was going to have to face this sometime; better to just get it over with. He turned and faced her, but he just couldn’t look her directly in the eyes. That was just too much. Instead he would just bullshit as best he could.
‘Hey you! How’s everything? Do you guys fancy a drink?’ Jake heard himself say, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible.
‘No thanks, we’ve just got one… How are you?’ Her words made a fantastic noise inside his head and he could feel himself begin to get very nervous.
‘Yeah, I’m okay.
‘Would you like to join us?’ she asked, as a knot of fear grappled with Jake’s insides. The panic swimming about in his gut was new to Jake and he didn’t like it one little bit.
‘Sorry, can’t, babe, I’m with a mate and he’s giving me some work over the next couple of days.’ Shit, had he just said the word “babe”? Jake screamed at himself inside his head, while trying with everything he had to look as calm as possible - and failing miserably. He knew he had to get through this somehow, but he was fucked… There she was by his side but he couldn’t touch her, couldn’t kiss her, couldn’t be with her… Christ, he could hardly even speak properly.
‘Okay then, I’ll catch you later,’ she said. Jake was tongue-tied and didn’t have the words to say anything more. His only way out was just to grab the drinks and leave her standing there.
‘See ya,’ he heard her say, as he turned and made his way back to Peter.
‘Thanks,’ Peter said, as he took the drink out of Jake’s hand.
‘You okay?’ Peter watched as the colour drained from his new friend’s face. Jake looked straight at Peter.
‘Christ that was hard… She’s an old flame and that’s the first time we have spoken since we split up. Listen, I’m going to finish this drink and do a runner. I want to get a good night’s sleep and an early start.’
‘Fair enough, but before you go I’ve got something for you.’ He reached into his pocket and produced a small box. He threw a quick glance round the room and decided all eyes were busy elsewhere. ‘I was told to give these to the man that made them and that man was you.’ Peter slid the box to the centre of the table and threw his eyes left and right a second time. Jake lifted the lid and both men looked inside. A slight frown appeared on Peter’s face and Jake waited for the inevitable question.
‘They look like 9mm rounds but there’s something different about them. I take it you made these?’
‘That I did. I’ve always made my own ammunition but these little beauties are special.’
‘I see the warheads are different.’
‘Lead hollow points.’
‘So they’re expanding ammunition?’
‘Correct - That way when the enter they stay there.’
‘Anything else?’
‘Sub-sonic. I don’t need them to travel any great distance.’
‘Because you’re always in the same room.’
‘The closer the better.’
‘What about your weapons, any alterations to them?’
‘Not really. I use the Heckler and Koch mp5 the older a2 version with the S.E.F firing options, and standard Browning 9mm hand guns.’
‘The S.E.F. on the mp5 that’s the one without the 3 round burst ability.’
‘Exactly it’s only got safe, single shot and fully automatic.’
‘Any particular reason?’
‘I don’t like the 3 round burst option on the newer weapons. It’s like losing control for a split second and I don’t like losing control at all.’ Jake lifted the box, threw the drink down his neck and got up to leave.
‘Take care.’ Peter said as he watched Jake make his way to the door and leave the building. The heads that turned when he had entered stayed completely still as he left. Jake Silverman was back in The Circle and no-body saw him leave.
Jake was looking forward even more to getting back out into the hills he loved. Physical pain he could take. It was a whole lot easier than the mental torture he felt every time he thought of Vicky in the arms of another. He could never forget her, she meant far too much to him. He could only try and get over this tremendous hurt that was eating away inside him. Now he had a job to do; it would help him lose himself at least for a while, to focus all his expertise, skill and energy on something he was bloody good at.
THIRTY-TWO
The jacket. He knew he had to get the jacket. He knew where it was, exactly where he had left it. He also knew that what he didn’t want was to walk straight into Justin…But what would Justin be doing in the back of the garage anyway? It was only full of rubbish and it wasn’t as if you could get a car in there.
‘That jacket is mine and I need to get it,’ Jake told himself over and over.
‘And I need to get it before one of them finds it and throws it out with the rest of the rubbish.’ He was never one for lucky charms as such, but he had a special thing about his old a
rmy jacket… That, the small faded photograph of Vicky and the small silver heart… those three things were all he needed before he went out on his journey. The picture and the heart were safe, but now Jake had to go to the house and get his jacket without being seen. He knew he only needed to ask for it and there would be no problem, but he just didn’t want to see them together if it could be avoided. No, it was far easier to just go and lift it. Christ, if he didn’t have the ability to carry out this small task, what chance would he have surviving going back to work?
The clock in his bed-sit said 12.30 a.m. It was time to leave. Jake felt nothing as he made his way towards the house he had shared with Vicky for the past eighteen months… eighteen months that had passed so very quickly. The village was deserted as he turned off the main road and dropped behind the row of houses that ended at the lane leading to No.32 Rosewood Avenue. Jake felt his pace drop involuntarily as he heard the stones crunch underfoot. The noise was made louder by the close proximity of the trees that ran either side of the small, single-track road. The night sky was clear and the full moon lit up the whole scene before him. Slowly making his way towards the house, he turned left and pushed his way through the trees and into cover. Although he couldn’t see it yet, he knew it was only 100 metres directly ahead. Hopefully the first thing he would see would be the back of the garage with the rear window facing him, although even if the garage door was locked, it would offer no resistance, considering the condition of the old corroded lock. Shit!!! He lifted his head as he broke through the bushes and stood bolt upright inside the garden, with the house twenty-five paces directly in front of him; the garage was to his right. He froze completely. All the lights in the house were off. He’d fucked up here, big time. He thought he’d known this place. Jake felt something grab at his insides. He glanced quickly left and right, there was nothing moving anywhere and no sound. Very slowly and carefully, he picked his way towards the back of the garage. Two cars stood in the driveway, so he knew inside the garage would be empty. He quickly disappeared into the shadows behind the small building. As the house slid from view he felt himself relax slightly and he exhaled very, very quietly. He stood inside the shadows for a few minutes, gathering himself; eventually, Jake nervously placed his hand on the window. He would be in and out in three minutes… No problem.
