by Lisa De Jong
Page 10
Author: Lisa De Jong
She pulls back even further, shaking her head. “I have to go. I can’t do this. ”
“Where are you going? You live here. ” I can tell by the way her face contorts that I won’t like her answer. I haven’t seen this much pain on that beautiful face of hers since the day I left her in the park. She bared her heart to me that day, but I just left her standing there. Every part of me felt like she deserved it at the time, but as I look at her today, she doesn’t deserve this. She left her old life behind and chose me, but my old life keeps crawling back to me. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever escape it.
“I’ll find somewhere to stay, or I’ll call Jade,” she answers before turning to walk toward the stairway. She stops suddenly, turning to face me one more time. “Maybe this was all a bad idea. ”
Why would she say that? I step back as my mind starts racing and I realize she’s leaving me. I need to make her stay; I would do anything to keep her here until the day I take my last breath.
“Alex!” I yell. She takes a couple more steps and I feel her slipping further and further away from me. I regret not fighting for her more the last time she left me, but I’m not going to regret today. “You promised me. You promised me you would never leave me, and now you’re just going to walk away? I need you,” I plead. I hate that I feel like crying, but it’s hard to stay controlled when I think about losing her again.
I step toward her until I’m close enough that I can reach out and touch her. I wait for her to say something, anything, but she remains frozen in front of me. “Please, I need you to hear me out. I’ll tell you everything, and if you still want to leave after that, you can. I won’t stop you. ”
I watch her shoulders slump forward. “I just can’t do this right now, Dane. ”
She starts moving away from me again and my heart feels like it’s breaking piece by piece. I will not lose her over this. “When are you going to stop running? You can’t run every time things get tough, Alex. Fighting through it only makes you stronger, and right now, you’re weak. ”
Fuck, I can’t believe I just said that to her, but I mean every word of it. My heart is beating out of my chest as I wait for her response.
She finally turns, pointing her finger at me. “Don’t you ever call me weak. You did this, not me. ”
“If it’s not weakness, then what is it? Why do you keep running?” I keep my eyes locked on hers, begging for the truth.
“You’re the only person in this world who can really hurt me. The way I feel about you scares the crap out of me. I’m scared, Dane,” she says, falling to her knees on the hallway carpet. I join her, wrapping my arms tightly around her. I don’t care if she tries to push me away this time. She’s going to hear me out.
“Shhh,” I softly hum in her ear as I rub my hands up and down her back. Her whole body is shaking with sobs making me feel like even more of an as**ole than I already do. “Will you please listen to what I have to say? You can’t go without hearing me out first. ” I feel her nod against me and waste no time picking her up and carrying her into the apartment before she changes her mind. She’s scared, but I’m terrified. I’ve learned to deal with my choices, but I’m not sure Alex can.
I remember the night I saw Bree pretty clearly, but I’m not sure how Alex is going to react when I explain it to her.
It was the night she left me in my bed with nothing but a note to explain where she went.
I feel as though my heart’s been ripped from my chest and torn into a hundred pieces. How could she do this to me? How could she look me in the eyes and tell me she loves me, but then just leave and act like I meant nothing to her? Maybe I deserve it for opening myself up to someone. I’d locked my feelings up for so long that I didn’t think I would ever let anyone in. But she got me. I love that f**king girl so much, but I think maybe I don’t mean as much to her as she does to me.
I went to her dorm this morning to see her, but all she did was rip my heart out even more. She was just as broken as I am about the whole thing; I could see it written all over her face, but she pushed me away even further. I went there to get her back, but when I left I wanted nothing to do with her. I never saw a day in my future without Alex since the day I asked her to be my girl, but at this point, she’s gone. There aren’t any words for the amount of pain I’m feeling in this moment.
When I left her dorm room this morning, I couldn’t see straight. I felt numb and broken. I’d given my heart away to her, and for the last couple of months, she was my everything. I would do anything for her.
Now, I’m in my empty apartment, lying in the bed we shared just last night. The silence is suffocating and my mind keeps wandering to every part of her. The way she said my name. The way her hands felt sliding over my stomach. The sweet smell of her hair that always tickled my nose. The taste of her tongue on mine. I still can’t believe that after everything we shared this weekend, what we did in my bed last night, she’d left me.
Something was off yesterday when I watched her in her bedroom, staring out the window. The night before. . . hell, the whole weekend was pretty damn perfect. But that morning something changed, and I wish I knew what it was. She told me there was someone else, but I don’t believe her. Not in my heart, anyway. Why would she lie to me? I never felt wanted when I was growing up, and I guess it’s too much to think someone would want me at this moment. I think maybe I don’t deserve a girl like her. Maybe I don’t deserve happiness at all.
I can’t sit in the apartment anymore. There are too many memories of us. I see her in every room, every corner, and every doorway. It makes me feel like I can’t breathe. I need to forget for a while.
I pick up my cell phone and call an old friend. “Hey, man. It’s Dane. What are you up to tonight?”
“Dane? Fuck, I didn’t think I would ever hear from you again,” Gabe says. I can hear laughter in his voice.
“Shit changes. Where you at?” I’m impatient. I need to get the f**k out of my apartment.
“My place. You coming over?”
I think about it. I know I shouldn’t go there; I left that life behind years ago. It takes one minute to fall into that life, but years to get out of it. “Yeah, man. I’ll be over in thirty. ”
I hang up the phone and grab my leather jacket. I shouldn’t go out tonight, but I can’t stop myself. I need to stop feeling. I need to stop the hurt that has engulfed my chest. I grab my keys and slam the door behind me.
I take a cab to Gabe’s apartment. He lives in the shitty part of the city close to my mom’s apartment; in fact, the cab drives past her building as it gets closer to my final destination. The neighborhood is a reminder of my old life, and I feel guilty, but it still isn’t enough to stop me. I feel like time stopped when I read that note this morning, and now I’m stuck in hell. Going back to my old life seems like the only way out. It worked before.
As we pull up in front of Gabe’s building, I hand the cab driver a twenty-dollar bill and walk through the front door. The building is full of people who don’t give a shit about their lives; they don’t care if they have a job, some have kids they never see and most can’t remember what they did yesterday, let alone last week. I used to be one of them.
The whole building smells of pot and beer. It’s nothing more than a big party house, and these partiers are hardcore. They never stop. I knock on Gabe’s door with the three-two-one pattern we always used before. I hear one deadbolt, then a second. You can never be too safe in this neighborhood, not when you’re in Gabe’s business.
As soon as the door opens, smoke greets me and there’s a haze rolling off a pipe in the main living area. I inhale the smell, and for the first time in three years, I welcome it. I want it and I need it. The whole place is disgusting with ripped, yellowed shades, stained old carpet and empty beer bottles everywhere. I still can’t believe I lived here once.
“Dane, over here. ” I look over and
see Gabe and Neil sitting around the kitchen table cutting a line of coke on a small mirror. I hesitantly nod in their direction before making my way over to them. “You want to go first?” Gabe asks. I can’t take my eyes away from the mirror. I want it, but I don’t. I worked so hard to get off that shit, but at this moment it calls my name. I always want to run to it whenever things get tough.
“Nah, I think I’m going to take a hit first. It’s been a while and I need to start with the easy stuff,” I reply, stuffing my hands in my jean pockets. Gabe raises an eyebrow before I turn to head toward the couch. My heart beats faster with every step I take and all of a sudden the room seems too warm as I work to take off my jacket. I shouldn’t have come here, but it’s too late now.
The pipe makes it’s way around the circle until it’s my turn. My hand is shaking as I grab for it. I bite my lower lip as I get ready to take my first hit in three years. I hesitate for a minute as I close my eyes and see her face, her beautiful blue eyes and soft blonde hair. She’s something I can only see in my dreams now. I can never forget her, but I can never touch her either. The thought of never holding her again makes my throat close up, and the thought of anyone else ever holding her has me seeing red.
“Hey, dude, are you going to use that, or pass it on?”
I shake myself from my thoughts. My vision is blurred, and my mind is racing. This is the point of no return and I know that better than anyone.
That night is burned in my head as another part of my history I would like to erase. That’s not possible, though, and it’s time for me to come clean to Alex.
Chapter Seven
Jealousy is not something I’m used to feeling. I guess when you’re not wrapped up in someone, you don’t care what happens, but I’m swaddled in Dane. If he had told me he was with someone else when we were broken up, I would’ve freaked out. He’s a dream to most girls, but he’s real to me.
He uses his foot to shut the door to his apartment before carrying me to the bedroom and gently placing me on the bed. My whole body trembles as all the things Dane could have to tell me play over and over in my head. In the back of my mind, I think it must be pretty bad if he felt he had to lie about it, or keep it from me.
