“You go ahead,” I said, my voice shaky. “I can’t. I’m just going to . . . I’m just going to go home.”
Kaylie looked concerned. “What’s the matter? Are you sick?”
“I just . . . I . . .” I slid to the floor and put my hands over my face. It felt like a wave filled with everything wrong with my life was crashing over me—Mom lying under the sheet, mountains of garbage that I could never fix even if I had months instead of hours, piles of bills that threatened everything we had left, and images of our neighbors shaking their heads as they looked through our open doors at the truth we’d been so careful to hide all these years. I felt myself gasp as the tears started to roll down my cheeks, and I brought my knees up to my chest. I couldn’t believe I was actually sitting on Kaylie’s rug bawling like a baby, but there was nothing I could do to stop it.
Kaylie knelt next to me. I could feel her arm around my shoulder and smell her perfume, but I didn’t dare take my hands away from my face. What if I broke down and told her the truth? “Lucy,” she said softly. “Hey, Luce, what’s going on? Come on, whatever it is, we can fix it.” One hand patted my shoulder as she held me closer.
“There’s nothing you can do,” I whispered, my voice raggedy with crying. “There’s nothing anybody can do. It’s over.”
“Listen, listen,” she said, trying to pry my hands from my eyes. “I’m your best friend, right? Right?”
I nodded, but the thought brought a fresh batch of tears coursing down my face. For the next few hours she was, but then what?
“Then you’ve got to tell me what’s wrong,” she said. “I can’t help you if you won’t tell me.”
“I can’t,” I said. I took a couple of deep breaths and tried to get a grip. The back of my hand was streaked with purple and black smudges where I’d wiped my eyes. “It’s just . . . I can’t.” She’d understand soon enough when the news broke. It’s not like she could help me, anyway, even if I told her everything. I should just let her think I’d had a fight with Mom or had a bad case of PMS. She’d never guess what was really wrong with my life. “I’m okay,” I said, wiping the makeup from under my eyes.
Kaylie knelt next to me and grabbed my hand. “You’re obviously not okay,” she insisted. “Is it your mom?” I shook my head. “Is it Josh?”
“No. Yes. I don’t know,” I said. “It’s just everything.” Bracing myself against the wall, I pulled myself up. “I’m sorry. That was so stupid. Really, I’m fine.” If Kaylie didn’t think I was a loser before, I was sure she did now.
“You’re sitting here looking like the world is ending, and you expect me to believe you’re fine? Lucy, you have to be honest with me. I’m your best friend—you at least owe me that.”
And for a sliver of a second I thought about it. Thought about telling her everything—about Mom, the house, the bills—but as much as I wished she’d stay concerned and caring, I was just as sure that she wouldn’t. Kaylie was the nicest friend I’d ever had, but she wasn’t a superhero.
“Do you want to stay home?” she asked. “Because I can just call Vanessa—”
I took a deep breath. “No. No, let’s go.” And I meant it. No matter what I was doing, nothing was going to happen at the house until morning. The next twelve hours were going to be the last normal ones in my life, and I didn’t want to waste them surrounded by garbage at my house or sitting in a heap on her floor. This would be the last chance I ever had to be just regular old Lucy, and I might as well go out and make the most of it. I sniffed, and wiped the last traces of moisture from my face. “I must be a wreck,” I said, laughing a little.
Kaylie grinned, but her eyes still looked serious. “You did sort of ruin my work,” she said. “Sit down and I’ll fix it for you, if you’re sure.”
I nodded quickly, and she got out some wipes and the makeup and started repairing the damage I’d caused.
Kaylie’s mom knocked at the same time she stuck her head in the doorway. “Oh, hi, Lucy,” she said, giving me a smile. “I didn’t hear you come in.” She turned to Kaylie. “Who’s driving tonight?”
“Vanessa’s sister. She’s home from college for vacation. I was thinking one o’clock—it’s break, after all.”
“Twelve thirty,” her mom said. “But no later. And make sure she isn’t drinking. You can always call me if you get stuck.” It always blew me away that Kaylie and her mom could talk about those kinds of things. Mom would freak if I went to a party, forget about one where she thought there might be drinking.
“Are you spending the night, Lucy?” her mom asked me. She never asked why I spent so much time over here—she seemed to know she wouldn’t like the answer.
“Yes,” Kaylie said quickly.
“Actually, I have to go home tonight,” I said. I had to get home before Sara to make sure everything looked right before I ended it all with a simple phone call.
“Well, you’re always welcome here. You know that. I’ll see you at twelve thirty.” She put her arm around Kaylie and kissed her on the cheek—a gesture that neither of them gave a second thought but made my heart ache.
“You really okay?” Kaylie asked, reaching for her purse. “ ’Cause you can tell me anything.”
I shrugged, not trusting my voice, and stared off into the distance, trying to maintain some control. She had no idea what “anything” might mean.
“Listen,” she said, turning off her bedroom light. “The stars are aligning. I can feel it. This is going to be your night. It’s going to be great.” The more she spoke, the more excited Kaylie seemed to get. It was hard not to catch a little bit of her enthusiasm.
“If you say so,” I managed.
“Well, I do say so.” She looked me up and down and brushed some stray hairs away from my face. It was such a caring gesture that it almost made me start crying again.
“Thanks,” I said quietly. At least for tonight I had a real best friend. I stood a little straighter, trying to be one of those people who took chances. “Okay, let’s go.” I didn’t look back as we walked out of the house and into the last normal night of my life.
chapter 16
9:00 p.m.
Vanessa’s sister pulled up just as we got outside. She slid the back door open and then grabbed her phone to answer a quick text.
“Hey, Lucy,” Vanessa said from the front seat as we climbed into the minivan. “I didn’t think you were coming.”
In the split second between when she spoke and when I answered, a million thoughts ran through my brain. Did she wish I wasn’t coming? Had she and Kaylie been talking about me behind my back about tonight? Vanessa and I were like friends once-removed. We wouldn’t have had any connection at all except for Kaylie, and I always felt like she was letting me know that she had been there first.
“Yeah,” I said. “I got done early so I decided to come along.”
Kaylie smacked me on the shoulder. “She got done early and couldn’t stand the thought of Josh Lee being there all by himself.” She sat back hard as the van lurched into the street.
“Are you having a thing with Josh Lee?” Vanessa asked in a tone that said she didn’t believe it.
“No,” I said. “Kaylie’s just hallucinating.” I could feel my cheeks getting warm at the thought of seeing him. Focusing on Josh made my nerves calm down a little. I had to put Mom and the house behind me if I was going to go through with this. This was my only shot, and I had to take it because there probably wouldn’t be another one.
“Not even,” she said. “You should have seen them at the movies last night.”
God, was that really only last night? It seemed like weeks ago.
“That’s funny. I thought he was back together with Cara,” Vanessa said. I was pretty sure she was lying, but the thought made my stomach turn. Still, it wouldn’t be that surprising—they were bound to get back together at some point. Vanessa grinned at me as she sat back in her seat and pulled a cigarette out of her purse. She’d taken a few drags when Kaylie smelled it
and popped the back window open.
“Nessa!” she yelled. “My mom will have a heart attack if she smells smoke on me!”
“All right, all right,” Vanessa said, leaning forward to toss the cigarette out the front window. “Calm down. You act like you’ve never seen anyone smoking before.”
Kaylie waved her hands around the interior of the van, trying to coax the smoke outside. “I’ve never seen you smoking before. What were you thinking? You know your mom would kill you for stinking up her van.”
Vanessa reached into her purse and pulled out a pack of Camel 100’s. “She wouldn’t care. Besides, these things totally help you lose weight,” she said. “They’re kind of expensive, but cheaper than diet pills as long as you buy them by the carton.”
“Just stay away from me with those,” Kaylie said. “I don’t need to get grounded.”
Vanessa’s sister parked behind a long line of cars on the normally quiet street. Even inside the van we could hear music coming from a house halfway up the block. I felt a strange thrill run through me at the thought of Josh being so close. “I’m not getting the rest of my winter break wrecked because you need to be skinnier,” Kaylie said.
“Whatever,” Vanessa said and opened the door. “There’s Tricia! Hey, I’ll meet you guys up there.” She hopped out of the van as delicately as someone who is wearing a super-short miniskirt can. “Trish! Wait up!”
I watched Vanessa walk up the dimly lit street, her multihued blond hair waving behind her like a shimmering stream and the three-inch heels she was wearing not slowing her stride a bit. I envied Vanessa not because most of her butt was hanging out of her skirt—that just made me feel colder—but because she truly never cared what other people thought of her. She’d say something mean about someone, something that most everyone had probably been thinking, anyway, but the difference was she’d say it to their face. That kind of behavior didn’t make people hate her like you’d think it would. Instead, it made most people hope that they weren’t the one she was talking about. She had always left me pretty much alone. So far.
Kaylie wriggled out of the backseat and jumped to the ground. “Let’s do it.”
I’d left the house so quickly I didn’t have anything with me, and it made me feel kind of naked. I stuck my hands in my jacket pockets to warm them. Teddy B.’s leg was near the left pocket under my jacket, and I gave it a little squeeze for luck or courage or something.
I tried to be cool as we walked into the party. A few people I didn’t recognize weren’t so much dancing as swaying in the middle of the living room floor. One girl dressed in a pink sweater was draped over the shoulders of a short guy in saggy jeans. She looked like she was sleeping.
“Most people are probably out back,” Kaylie said, and, grabbing my hand, pulled me toward the sliding glass doors at one end of the room.
It was so cold outside that there were puffs of steam hovering just over everyone’s heads as they exhaled. At the back of the patio on a small raised deck, Josh stood with a guitar slung low on his hips and one hand on the microphone. He was wearing a thin T-shirt and jeans, in contrast to everyone else who was bundled in down jackets and scarves. The muscles in his arms were marked by ropy veins that pulsed every time he played a chord on the guitar. Even from back here I could see the sweat dripping down the side of his temples, and the front of his hair was plastered to his forehead. There was a group of people gathered around the makeshift stage, with a bunch of girls lining the front. The waves of desire between the crowd and the band were almost physical as Josh began to sing, his eyes closed with the effort. All of a sudden I wished I hadn’t come. Josh could have any girl here—why did I think he’d want me? That he had his arm around me just a few hours ago seemed suddenly impossible.
I felt like I did the one and only time we’d spoken at school earlier this year—stupid and delusional. I’d been standing by my locker shifting books out of my backpack when I saw him a few feet away talking to Steve Romero. I heard Steve slam his locker and walk away, which is why I was totally startled to see Josh still standing there as I turned to go to class.
“Hey,” he said, smiling at me, either not noticing or ignoring the fact that I jumped a mile. “We have physics together, don’t we?”
“Mmm hmm.” I nodded. I didn’t trust myself to say actual words.
“You’re Lucy, right?” he said, not waiting for an answer. “I’m Josh. Josh Lee.”
“I kn—” I realized almost too late that “I know” would be kind of obvious. “Right,” I finally said, managing a tight smile. “Yeah, I’m Lucy. Tompkins.”
He turned to go and I stood there hyperventilating like an idiot, not believing we had an almost-conversation. After a few steps, he turned back to look at me. “Come on,” he said. “We’d better hurry if we’re going to make it before the bell.”
I took a few quick steps to catch up to him. “Right,” I said. “Physics.” Our strides matched as we walked down the hall, me racking my brain trying to come up with something interesting to say. Luckily, Josh didn’t seem to have the same problem.
“God, Ms. Lucas is killing me this year,” he said. “I thought chemistry was bad, but sometimes it’s like she’s speaking another language.”
“It’s not so hard,” I said. Art was my favorite subject, but I always did pretty well in science too. I watched our feet as they stretched over the worn linoleum floor, not daring to look up into his face. “She usually explains things pretty well. Plus, physics is kind of fun if you look at it the right way.”
“Are you kidding me?” Josh asked. “Fun? No wonder you’re always getting As. We should study together sometime, just so I don’t screw up my GPA. Then you can show me how physics is fun.”
I glanced up to see if he was kidding, but he was looking at me seriously out of the corner of his eye. “Um, we could do that,” I said. “That would be cool.” I couldn’t believe that Josh Lee was actually walking through the hall asking me to help him with physics. Maybe we could go to the café and study, our heads bent over one of the tiny round tables as we ordered coffee after coffee to keep us working until late at night.
Josh’s smile widened. “Maybe—”
“There you are!” Cara squealed, jumping on his back and draping her arms over his shoulders. “I’ve been looking all over for you.” She buried her face in his neck, and I just stared, wishing so badly I had permission to do the same thing.
He reached up and grabbed her by the arms. “Hey, Cara,” he said, laughing a little. “We were just heading to class.”
Cara slid off his back. “We?” she asked.
“Yeah.” He nodded in my direction. “You know Lucy?”
She glanced at me for a second longer than necessary and said, “Um, not really.” Cara turned her full attention to Josh. “Listen, I need to talk to you about Friday night.” She pulled him over to the lockers and leaned in so they could talk quietly, leaving me standing alone in the stream of people heading to class. I watched for a second as they surrounded themselves with the privacy that only long-time couples seem to have—studying each other, oblivious to everyone else around them.
“Well,” I said quietly and sighed. “Guess I’ll see you in class.” I walked slowly toward the science wing, feeling like an idiot but also grateful that I hadn’t made a complete ass of myself. Like Josh would ever choose me over Cara. Or over anyone.
Now here I was doing the same thing again—having crazy fantasies about Josh when he was just being polite. Kaylie stood on her tiptoes surveying the crowd. “I think I see Steve over to the right.”
“I’m freezing,” I said. “I’m going back inside.” I wanted to get out of there before Josh knew I’d come. I couldn’t compete with all of the normal girls in school—there was no use even trying.
“What’s inside?” Kaylie asked. “All the good stuff is out here.” She looked at me and then back to the band. “What you need is some beer. Wait here, I’ll be right back.”
; With the crowd around the keg as huge as it was, I figured she’d be gone for ages, but she was back in a minute or two.
“Here,” she said, handing me a blue plastic cup. “Careful, it’s a little drippy.”
“How did you do that so fast?”
“I have my ways,” she said. She looked over my shoulder to see if Steve was still there. I wished I could be more like her and look straight at what I wanted. And navigate a keg in under two minutes. “Drink it quick. It’ll relax you.”
I took a tentative sip of the beer. It tasted like vomit. I tried hard not to wrinkle my nose in disgust.
“Is it bad?” Kaylie asked. I handed her the beer and she took a small sip. “Just like them to get a keg full of crap beer.” She handed it back to me. “Doesn’t matter, though, it’ll do the trick.”
Vanessa and Tricia came over with their own matching blue plastic cups. The beer was cold and my hand was getting numb. They should give you those cardboard sleeves like they do at Sienna when the coffee is too hot for the cup.
“Cheers!” Vanessa said, and raised her cup in the air before taking a giant swig. She didn’t even make a face when she was done.
“Are we checking out anyone in particular?” Tricia asked. Her skirt was almost as short as Vanessa’s, but at least she had the decency to shiver and cross her arms in front of her as she tried to ward off the cold wind that cut through the yard.
Vanessa laughed. “Apparently Miss Lucy here has a thing going with Josh Lee.”
Tricia raised her eyebrows. “I knew that he’d broken up with Cara—were you his thing on the side?”
“No way!” Kaylie answered for me. “Get real. Lucy doesn’t have to go for sloppy seconds. Josh asked her to come to the party. He’s totally into her.”
“If he’s so into her, then why has he been flirting with Justine all night?” Tricia asked. She tossed her head in the direction of the stage.
Dirty Little Secrets Page 15
