Josh laughed and took a deep breath. He stuck his face down close to the beans and inhaled again. “Oh my God, I love that smell. Sometimes when I have to work really early, I just come in here and stick my head in the can and breathe for a few minutes. I swear, you can almost get a buzz going off the smell alone.” He took a scoop of the beans and put them in a big red machine. “Now, what can I get for you, miss?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, what would you like? Anything. On the house. If we’re going to stay up late, we’re going to need some assistance.”
“I thought you had to be back by one o’clock,” I said. “That was probably a long time ago.”
“I said they get mad if I’m not home by one o’clock,” he said. “I didn’t say that I always do as I’m told. I’m working the early shift tomorrow, but I’m not about to abandon a girl with no curfew by going home on time.”
“Well, thanks for risking it,” I said.
“So, what’ll it be?” he asked. “Medium vanilla latte, or would you like to go for something completely different?”
“Something completely different sounds exactly like what I need right now,” I said. I leaned on the countertop and watched him work.
“So glad to hear you say that, Lucy Lu,” he said. He turned on the red machine, and the noise of the grinding beans filled the empty space.
The last bit of my coffee was lukewarm as I tipped it out of the bottom of the paper cup. “That was awesome,” I said. “What do you call it?”
“It’s not on the menu,” he said. “It has a little of this and a little of that, and I only make it for very special customers.”
“So what do I have to do to get you to make it again?”
“All you have to do is show up,” he said. “I’ll call it the Lucy Special. But you can only have it made by me. If you go to any other coffee guys, you will definitely not get what you want.” He tried to hide his grin by downing the last of his drink. “Hey, all we’ve been talking about is me—what about you?”
I shrugged. “What about me?” He was dangerously easy to talk to.
“Well, I know that you’ve seen every Johnny Depp movie ever made and that you like Shel Silverstein.” I blushed, not expecting him to remember back that far. “Let’s see—you live with your mom, who is religious but very cool with the curfews. Does your dad live around here?”
“No,” I said. “He lives in Michigan with the new family.” I couldn’t believe all of this was sliding out of my mouth. It took months for me to tell Kaylie this much.
“That’s a drag,” Josh said. “Your mom never got married again?”
“Nope. She didn’t . . . she doesn’t even date or anything. Not since Dad left.” I realized too late that I was already thinking of her in the past tense. Josh didn’t seem to notice.
“You’re lucky,” he said. “My mom was never a good single person, which is why she makes such horrible choices. She’s cool now, but before this last husband, she was drinking pretty heavy. I used to wake up in the morning and find her passed out on the couch from the night before, a couple of empty wine bottles on the floor.”
It was hard to picture perfect Josh Lee coming from a broken home with an alcoholic mother. It didn’t seem to bother him that much, though, and he talked about it like he was talking about what his mom did for work. Casually. Like it had nothing to do with him.
“Is that why you don’t drink?” I asked.
“No. I wasn’t drinking because I’m driving tonight. My mom got a DUI a few years ago and almost killed someone in an accident. It was a mess to undo—it still isn’t all the way taken care of. I don’t need that kind of trouble.”
I smiled at him. “Is that the big family secret?”
Josh shook his head. “Not much of a secret,” he said. “Not sure who knows, but it doesn’t bother me. Just because she screwed up doesn’t make it my problem.”
I couldn’t believe that it really wouldn’t bother him that much. “Didn’t you worry what people were going to say about her? About all of you?”
“They probably didn’t say anything worse than I did at the time.” He thought for a minute. “I guess at first I was pretty pissed off and embarrassed by the whole thing. Luckily, nobody ever saw her totally messed up, except for us. When she had the accident, it sort of blew the whole thing wide open, so we couldn’t hide it anymore. It must have been before you started at our school, or believe me, you would have heard about it.” Josh looked at me from under a strand of dark, shining hair. “The funny thing is, it was almost a relief in a way. We were all forced to deal with it, instead of pretending everything was okay. She even met this husband at AA. He’s a lot of things, but at least he’s not a drunk.”
I swallowed hard, thinking about what he’d said. Despite what everyone always said about “getting it all off your chest,” I didn’t buy it. Maybe someone could forgive an addiction, but nobody was going to understand how we lived under a mountain of garbage for so long. It was different. It made us too different.
“Are you the youngest?” I asked, wanting to absorb every scrap of information I could gather about him.
“Nope,” he said. “Oldest. My brother’s in eighth grade.” He banged his hands on the table. “See, we’re back to talking about me again. I think we need a little distraction.” He grabbed my hand and pulled me up from the table where we were sitting. “Come with me.”
I couldn’t concentrate on where we were going because all of my attention was focused on where our skin was touching. He didn’t let go, even when we were already standing up.
We walked through the dimly lit kitchen area to a large walk-in freezer on the back wall. Josh lifted the latch and pulled the door open, so a huge draft of cold air blasted us in the face.
“In there?” I asked.
“Just for a second,” he said. “You still have your jacket on—you’ll be fine.”
I’d totally forgotten about my jacket and Teddy B., who was still stuffed in the bottom. I pulled it tighter around me and felt his softness cling to my side.
“Are you going to trust me this time?” Josh asked.
“Do I have a choice?”
“Of course you do,” he said. “Hold out your hands.” He handed me a white box and grabbed a silver canister. “Let’s go back out front. It really is freezing in here.”
Josh put the white box on the dark granite counter and opened it. It was full of small yellow cakes covered in chocolate. “Madeleines,” he said. “Chocolate-covered madeleines.” He handed me one of the shell-shaped cakes and shook the canister. Tipping it upside down, he made a perfect cloud on top. “Made even better with whipped cream.”
I bit into the cake. It was cold and sweet and chocolaty—perfect after a hot cup of coffee. “Oh my God,” I said. “This is awesome.”
Josh jumped up and sat on the counter. I jumped up beside him.
“Tilt your head back,” he said.
I did, and he squirted whipped cream right into my mouth. Laughing, I tried to shove it all in without making a huge mess, but I was sure I looked like a rabid dog. Josh tilted his head back and filled his mouth with whipped cream too. I watched him, suddenly conscious that we were alone in this dark, warm space.
“Come here.” He smiled at me. “You have whipped cream on your nose.” He leaned in and wiped the tip of my nose with his finger. Our heads were so close they were almost touching, and for once in my life I knew exactly what was going to happen next.
Josh tasted like whipped cream and chocolate and something else spicy and mysterious. Our lips touched tentatively at first, testing to see if we would pull away and then adding more pressure as neither of us did. Without saying a word, Josh jumped down from the counter and stood in front of me so he could reach up and run his fingers through my hair. For just a second, the sensation of his fingertips on my scalp was the only thing in the universe, and I had to open my eyes to regain my balance and sense of reality.
I reached ou
t with my legs and wrapped them around his waist, pulling him closer to me as we explored each other’s lips. Tracing his ear with the tip of my finger, I could feel him shake against my body.
After a few minutes, Josh pulled away just slightly and took my face in his hands. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that,” he said, sounding a little out of breath. He traced my bottom lip with his finger and then leaned in to kiss the corner of my mouth. “You’ve got the most beautiful lips, Lucy Lu.”
I laughed. I’d never thought of my lips as beautiful before—too big for my face, maybe, but hardly beautiful. This moment was so perfect I didn’t want to say anything. I just pulled him close to me again and buried my face in the side of his neck, inhaling his scent so I would remember it forever. I felt so safe here in the dark of the café. Right here and right now, I could be the mysterious girl that Josh liked with the beautiful lips and no curfew.
As I leaned into him, I could feel Teddy B. bunched up under my jacket. I jumped down from the counter to face Josh, keeping one hand on my side so Teddy B. wouldn’t slip out. I could explain away a lot of things, but having a homemade teddy bear under my jacket would really be pushing it.
I’m tall, but Josh had a good three inches on me as we stood facing each other in the dark. I eased my hands up his shirt and felt his back muscles moving under his warm skin. We were swaying slightly, like we were dancing to music only we could hear. I wanted to stay here and do this very same thing every day for the next hundred years.
“Can we do this again?” Josh said, like he was reading my mind. He put both arms around my back and kissed me behind one ear.
The sensation was so strong that I pulled back slightly. “Which part?” I asked.
“All of it,” he answered. “I have to work until noon—will you meet me after?”
I started to say yes, and then the reality of what would be happening by noon hit me. By then, Sara would have found out what had happened to Mom, and the police would have been there for hours. Probably they would still be trying to get her out of that mess—amid curious neighbors and television crews who would want to document the process for the late news. By noon tomorrow, I’d be Garbage Girl again, for sure, and I’d lose all of this . . . all of him.
Josh pulled back so he could see my face. “Is that a yes, or a no?” he asked. To his credit, he looked genuinely worried.
“I really want to,” I whispered. Even in the dim light, his face blurred as tears sprung into my eyes. I wanted it to be yes with all my heart. But I knew that by noon tomorrow it would be no. Josh reached up and tucked a piece of hair behind my ear and smiled at me, his dimples flashing and the warmth in his eyes making me feel safe and protected. I tried to make this one of those moments you can go back to forever—the feel of his skin under the palm of my hand, the throb of his heart beating at the base of his neck. I inhaled again to try to imprint his scent on my memory, but remembering these things was going to make them even harder to lose.
I tried to stay focused, but the image of the crowds in front of my house wouldn’t go away. I wondered if Josh would be there too—gaping through the open door at the piles of filth that would always be a part of me. Even a guy like him wouldn’t be able to get over my big secret. I didn’t know if I could stand to see the look of disgust in his eyes and know that I’d lost the safety of his arms forever.
A digital clock above the espresso machine said 4:23. If I could just be me, alone, without the weight of Mom and the house hanging around my neck and pulling me down, everything would be perfect. In the movies, this would be the scene where the screen would fade to black—the house would disappear, leaving me untouched and able to face my future with Josh. If only this were one of those movies.
I traced my finger along his jawline, losing everything but the sensation of his body as it pressed against mine in the dark. The ache in my heart was so heavy my breath came in short, quiet gasps. Josh planted his hands firmly on my hips, his lips reaching for mine again, and I began to melt into the moment, the final moments of the last normal night of my life. If only the house would disappear—vaporize into the night until there was nothing left but Teddy B. in my jacket and my memories locked safely away where nobody would ever see. I’d gladly give up every single thing in that house, every ticket stub and handmade quilt, to be a regular girl with a best friend who really cared, and this boy whose touch left me speechless.
I pulled back from Josh’s arms as the image hit me. I’d watched it a million times, but never thought of it as the answer until now. It was perfect. There was a way to save us all, but I had to work fast.
Josh’s fingers were interlaced with mine as I stepped backward. “I have to go,” I said. I let go and zipped my jacket up tighter.
He grabbed my hand and kissed my palm. “Are you sure? I have to be back here at seven, so I was thinking we could just hang out until then. I don’t care about losing a little sleep.”
Turning around, I kissed him hard on the mouth. He didn’t know it then, but it was a promise. Maybe someday I could tell him what really went on tonight. Someday after. Right now, I had to keep this version of Lucy real for him and for me. “I’m sure.”
I waited nervously while he put everything back and turned off the light. Now that I had it all figured out I didn’t want to waste any time. His car was freezing, and I huddled in the front seat blowing on my hands while he warmed it up.
“I live just around the corner,” I said, pointing up ahead.
He glanced at me while he drove. “I know where you live, Lucy Lu.”
“You do?”
“Yep,” he said, and grinned.
We kissed for another minute parked in front of the house. “I’ll walk you to the door,” Josh said, unbuckling his seat belt.
“No, really,” I said quickly. “It’s fine. You stay here—it’s freezing outside.”
“I’m not cold,” he said, and reached over to kiss me again. It was going to be so hard to climb out of the car and walk away. I untangled myself from his arms and opened the door. I had to stay focused and not lose my nerve.
“Later? After work, okay—meet me there?” he asked. “I’ll take you to lunch at the Paradise.”
I nodded, kissed him one last time, and turned to walk quickly up the front steps. I had never felt so good and so bad at the same time. As I reached the door, I could hear his car idling, but I didn’t turn around. I didn’t want him to see the tears that had started rolling down my face. I didn’t have time for tears once I got inside. If I wanted any more nights like this, I had no other choice.
chapter 19
4:45 a.m.
I pushed the front door open gently and stuck my head around into the hallway. I don’t know what I expected to see, but it looked just the same as when I’d left.
I picked my way through the dining room to the back hallway. The light from the kitchen shone just enough to see the lumpy sheet. I looked at Mom lying there and tried not to let the lonely, helpless feelings wind around my body again. There was only one way to fix this—and standing here feeling sorry for myself wasn’t going to make it happen. I just hoped it would work like it did in the movies.
As I dragged the space heater from my room, I could hear a faint beeping sound from far away. I followed the sound, walking back toward the front door. It was coming from somewhere near Mom’s chair. As soon as I saw my bag on the floor, I realized what it was. My phone was ringing. At four something in the morning, my phone was ringing. As soon as the beeping stopped, I flipped open the phone and saw that I’d gotten seventeen text messages from Kaylie since I’d been out, and one from Josh. The last one. Sleep tite. J. I stared at the text, imagining him on the other end of this phone, the light from his cell shining on his skin in the dark. The longing was a physical ache in my chest, but I shut the phone and set it on the chair. Everything good would have to wait.
I crossed to the dining room and stuck my head out the window, inhaling the sharp, cold a
ir. The clouds had vanished overnight, leaving a surprising number of stars twinkling in the space between our roof and the trees that separated our yard from the Rajs’. There was about half of a football field between our house and theirs, which was perfect.
I wasn’t even nervous as I made my way back toward my room. Now that I knew what I had to do, it seemed almost easy. I wouldn’t be able to explain why I was in jeans in the middle of the night, though, so I had to change into the T-shirt and sweats that I usually slept in.
As I passed the corner to Mom’s room, I spotted those scabby suede slippers sticking forlornly out of the sheet. It would only take a minute, I told myself. For some reason it felt like the right thing to do. I inched my way back toward the front of the house and found the box where I’d left it yesterday. Tearing through the tissue paper, I pulled out the new slippers, tucking them under my right arm as I made my way back through the kitchen. I knelt down at her feet and gently pulled the old, worn slippers off, trying not to look at her yellow toenails or her mottled bone white skin while I slipped the new ones on. As I stood up, I squeezed the right foot with my hand. It was as close to a good-bye as I was going to get. I had to keep telling myself it was better this way. I had to believe it.
Setting her old slippers down on my bed, I took a long look around my room. I’d never lived anywhere else, and I knew every crack in the ceiling and worn spot in the carpet. As much as I couldn’t wait to get out of here, I was going to miss it. This was where Mom taught me to sew and where once upon a time we all lived together as a family. I reminded myself that this was also where I lived without a door to my room or hot water for years. I ran my hand over the quilt on my bed and looked at the lunchbox that held my tickets. If I started to think about all the things I wanted to save, I’d never get it done. I had to get started.
I changed into Phil’s old AC/DC concert shirt and gray sweatpants as fast as I could because it was so freezing in here. Grabbing the stinky slippers off the bed, I stood in the doorway and took one last look around. Everything else had to stay. Teddy B. was in a heap on the floor with my jacket, and I felt a pang in my chest. I hadn’t seen him for years, but I felt like he was one link to the past that I wasn’t ready to give up. I grabbed him and stuck him in the waistband of my sweats. I’d stash him someplace safe until it was all over and he could be with me again.
Dirty Little Secrets Page 17
