Tonight, I jump out my bedroom window and head toward Cesare’s car.
“Wow! You look beautiful, Kins!”
“Thanks.”
He takes my hand and entwines our fingers as he pulls out onto the road and drives us to his home, a beautiful brownstone in the heart of the city.
TWENTY MINUTES LATER, I’m on his bed, kissing him. Already in just my panties and bra, I’m lying underneath an almost naked Cesare. Our ragged breathing fills the room as he pushes his erection between my legs, a layer of clothing preventing skin-to-skin contact.
“Kins, I want to be inside you,” he growls, caressing his fingertips down my cheek, and I nod.
He shows me a lopsided boyish grin, roaming his hands all over my body.
“You’re so beautiful, piccolina,” he murmurs as he unhooks my bra and sucks my nipples.
Arching off the bed, I feel a tingling responsiveness in my lower stomach as Cesare nips a path down my stomach and legs, removing my panties and spreading me wide.
Then he lies between my legs, his mouth close to my core. “I’m going to taste you now.”
As he kisses me there, I grab his hair in surprise, but it feels amazing when he starts to lick and suck.
“Cesare...” I moan.
He looks up. “Does it feel good, Kins?”
I smile, and he continues enthusiastically. Sensations I’ve never experienced shake my body as he devours me. Harder and rougher. I reach for ultimate bliss and peak when I gaze down and see him lying between my legs. It’s seems so forbidden, and I pant while pushing my hips from the bed.
While I’m still shivering in the aftermath, Cesare climbs up my body and gets rid of his boxer briefs.
“That was hot,” Cesare whispers and crushes his mouth to mine, rubbing his hard-on against my center.
He rests his forearms beside my head, fingers weaving into my hair. And we stare at each other as he starts to enter me.
I flinch from the pain, and he strokes my hair. “Shhh...”
He pushes through, and it hurts, but he smothers me with a kiss and slowly thrusts. Gradually, I’m adjusting to the fullness.
Then I notice that Cesare’s shaking. “Cesare...”
Our gazes lock.
“You feel so warm, Kins. It’s so wet.”
I let the tips of my fingers caress down his back and urge him to keep going.
He drives inside of me while studying my face intently. “Are you okay?”
“Yes. Please, don’t stop.”
And he picks up his pace. I welcome him into my body, and the pain transforms to a dull ache that quickly dwindles. Touching Cesare’s lips, I lock eyes with him while we move together, my nipples brushing his chest, and I’ve never felt closer to anyone.
“Fuck! Kins, I’m going to come,” he groans and drops his head into my neck as he pushes in deep.
Then he collapses on top of me while I rub his back. His harsh breathing settles, and he shifts off me, rolling me to my side to face him. I touch his pecs as he strokes my hips.
“I can’t believe we did it,” I utter with a smile.
He laughs, a truly happy laugh. “That’s the first thing you say after our first time?” Quickly, he rolls me onto my back again. “You always surprise me.” And he pulls back.
Satisfied, we just lie in silence, enjoying the moment to its fullest.
“Piccolina...”
I know what he’s going to say because I feel it too.
“Ti amo. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
Something in me is different, altered. Maybe I’m tied to Cesare forever now? The boy I’ve loved for so long, who would become my first everything in the next couple of years.
CHAPTER 8
Cesare – 9 years ago – age 18
FOR THE NEXT TWO YEARS, Kinsey and I are inseparable. She’s my confidant, my lover, my home, mine.
However, change is upon us. We’re in my bedroom when she drops a bomb on me.
“Cesare, I got accepted to Chicago State, to study history,” she mentions, sitting on my bed Indian style.
“Why? Can’t you study history here? At NYU?”
She gives me a solemn look. “I can’t afford that.”
“Then I’ll pay for it.” I’ll be at Princeton, which is like a three-hour flight from Chicago, and I don’t want to be that far away from her.
“How?”
“I don’t know; I’ll ask my parents. I have a fund I could use.”
“That’s really sweet, but you can’t. And I couldn’t take it anyway. It’s way too much. I’d rather stay here with you too, but we don’t have a choice.”
I get up from my chair and go to the bed. “I don’t like this, piccolina. We see each other every day.”
She takes my hand in hers. “I’m going to miss you so much, but we’ll call and text. And you can come visit me?”
“Won’t you visit me?”
She sighs and averts her gaze.
“I meant that if I buy you a ticket, will you come? I know you don’t have the money, but you will accept that, right?”
“Of course. I love you, and I don’t want all of this.”
“Me either.” I hug her.
A sense of foreboding settles in my soul, and suddenly, I’m dreading the future.
ON EDGE, I FIND MYSELF in my car outside Kins’s house watching over her.
Her father returns home at three a.m., and I can see through the window that Kinsey has been waiting up for him. She turns on the lights, so I get out of the vehicle to ensure that she’s safe.
As I approach the front door of the tiny one-story, I hear them arguing inside.
“Where have you been? You come home totally spaced out after being gone for days! I’ve been worried sick about you!” she scolds her father.
“Kinsey, calm down and go to bed,” he slurs, sitting on the couch as I peek through the window.
“No! Not this time. I always let you get away with everything. But now, you’ve gone too far. You stole my money!”
Motherfucker! He stole her hard earned money that she’s been saving for Chicago for drugs?
“I said go to bed!” her father roars. “I’m getting sick and tired of your sanctimonious bitching, girl!”
My blood boils with the way her father treats her.
Kinsey has reached her breaking point, because she starts to shout, “I want my money back!”
“Do not yell! This is still my house!”
Seeing her father striding to Kins, ready to strike her, I race back to the front door, but it’s locked.
“Kinsey!!” I shout and hurl my entire body against it repeatedly.
All of a sudden, I hear her piercing scream and a loud commotion.
“Kins!!” Panic fills my veins with my need to protect her. So with all my strength, I drive my shoulder against the door, breaking its hinges.
I run inside to seize her father, who’s slapping Kinsey’s cheeks while she’s lying on her back on the floor, and a red haze overtakes my vision.
She’s hurt. An animalistic rage courses through me; no one hurts what’s mine.
Kinsey is blocking her face with her forearms, struggling, when I throw him off her.
He grunts in pain as he sags against the wall. Then he lunges up and comes at me with all his force. His weight crushes the air from my lungs, and he punches me. In turn, I strike him in his nose with my fist.
“Cesare!” she shouts.
“Kins, run! Go!” I order frantically.
Instead, she jumps on her father, and he shoots to the side, flinging her off. Kins hits her head on the floor and cries in pain.
“Kinsey! No!”
She’s not moving when her father bends down and smiles maliciously, now flashing a knife in his hand. Then he jumps on me again, and we topple to the floor, everything after that happening fast. I fight him, trying to take the weapon, and grunt when he knees me in the stomach. Then he lifts his hand, ready to st
ab me, but I catch his wrist, roll over, and with all my power, take the knife and plunge it into his heart.
“Motherfucker!” I bellow.
He bucks and spits blood, convulsing while I hurry to Kins.
“Kinsey!” I lift her onto my lap, cradling her head.
Her eyes open languidly as blood trails down her ear.
Anxiously, I ask, “Are you okay?”
“My heart hurts...that’s all.” She touches my cheek. “You?”
“I’m okay. But we need help, piccolina.”
She sits up and stares at the body of her father.
“Oh, my god! Is he...?”
“I think so.” I rise to my feet and plow my hand through my hair.
Serenity returns to my system now that I know she’s okay, but we have a huge problem at the moment. And there’s only one person who can help me.
Fishing my phone from my pocket, I make the call. “I need a clean-up crew.”
Unfortunately, Kinsey’s father’s death will tie me to the Syndicate forever – much earlier than initially planned.
HALF AN HOUR LATER, I’m on the porch with a distraught Kinsey, who’s in shock, while members of the New York Syndicate clean the house and dispose of the body.
Luciano, my father and the Syndicate’s counselor and lawyer, arrives, scowling at me. But his face softens when he witnesses Kinsey’s sad state.
“You involved the Syndicate in your business, son. You’ll go with me tomorrow to explain this to the boss. I didn’t want you to become part of this so soon, but it’s done now. Come. Let’s go. Your mother’s worried.”
With Kinsey in my arms, I head to my car to take us home.
In the vehicle, Kinsey calms my soul. “I love you, Cesare.”
She loves a killer? I’m a killer, about to become a soldier for the NYS, and within years, I’ll be a made man. She doesn’t realize how this will dramatically change our lives.
Still, I seek to give her peace, so I kiss the back of her hand. “I love you too, piccolina. Everything will be okay. Mi prenderò cura di te adesso. I’ll take care of you now.”
Regrettably, little do I know that my promise will be impossible to uphold.
RIGHT BEFORE I GO OFF to college, my parents reveal their objections to our relationship for the first time. My father especially doesn’t like it because he can sense that she’s pulling me away from the mafia life I’m supposed to initiate into after Princeton. But for now, I don’t think about that. I’m happy with Kins, and we’ll make it.
Tonight, my father awaits me in my room. “Cesare, we need to talk.”
Uh-oh, that’s never good. I hurl my keys onto the desk. “About what, father?”
“You and Kinsey.”
“Why?”
“I think you and she are very close and much too young to practically be shacking up together in your room.”
“She’s my girlfriend, and she’s doesn’t have anyone else. You know that.”
“I do. And I applaud you for taking care of her, but that’s not your responsibility. Don’t forget that you and she come from different worlds. You need to enjoy your teenage years, son. And after college, you will initiate. Does she know that?”
“No, but she’ll follow me anywhere. Don’t worry about her.”
“I don’t worry about her. I worry about you two together. Cesare, when she’s here, you neglect your friends and you’re always obsessed with being with her. I’m warning you, don’t let her become your weakness.”
My father’s concerned tone upsets me. I know he means well, and we’ve never argued, but Kinsey’s a topic that’s non-negotiable to me.
“She won’t,” I manage to grind out, which belies my statement entirely.
My father studies me, but lets it go and calmly leaves my room.
CHAPTER 9
Kinsey – 9 years ago – age 18
TIME PASSES QUICKLY. After my father’s death, I feel liberated, and Cesare and I are madly in love in the months before I leave. Nevertheless, there’s always a feeling of desperation in our relationship because of our impending separation.
Cesare and I share a joyless goodbye when I leave for college. We have high hopes that we can make a long distance relationship work, but sometimes good intentions aren’t enough.
I’ve missed him terribly, but as life continues, he’s become less approachable. His Syndicate life and college are eating up all his time. We’ve drifted apart in physical distance and spiritual distance as well. It’s taken five months for him to even come to visit me.
In my scant room on campus, we can’t take it slow.
“Kins, I’ve missed you. My cock needs to be inside you.” Cesare kisses me roughly and slams me back against the wall.
My skirt is bunched up while I unfasten his slacks and pump his erection. He swells rapidly in my hands. No time to undress, I want to feel him in me.
He spins me around, his chest against my back, nudges my panties aside, and drives into me. I gasp, and Cesare grips my hips, fucking me from behind as I arch my back to take him in deep. Whimpering, I push back against him while he ruthlessly possesses me and groans into my ear. His hand drifts to my center and rubs me as he pistons inside. And I explode, riding the tide of pleasure in irresistible waves. He growls while slowing his punishing pace and drops his forehead on my shoulder.
After our breathing has calmed, we move to lie on my bed, and I notice his tousled state. He has dark circles around his eyes and looks like he hasn’t shaved in weeks.
“Cesare, you look...”
“Tired? I am tired.” He pulls me into his embrace and kisses my head. “But I’m better now that we’re together.”
I didn’t want to say tired. No, he looks different. Hardened, perhaps?
However, we’re going to be together for a few days, and when we’re together, everything’s perfect.
After that, we continued to see each other every couple of months. Still, as the years passed, Cesare changed more, and so did I, and when we were apart, we were a mess.
CHAPTER 10
Cesare – 6 years ago – age 21
MY THIRD YEAR IN COLLEGE, the fifth year into my relationship with Kinsey, I realize that our bond has been tainted by our miles apart.
My life has become one of drugs and murder. I’m getting more and more immersed in the mayhem of the underworld. And my calmness, my home, has been living so far away for years. I’m starting to resent Kinsey and my love for her. I miss her so much that I ache and find solace in cocaine. We fight when we’re apart, and we love obsessively during the few days every couple of months we see one another.
We rarely make love anymore. No, we fuck. During this time, we have rough and hard sex when we meet. Maybe it’s due to the pent up frustration of being away from each other, especially since we know that if we were together, we’d be happy. The distance is killing us, and that same distance, combined with being a prospect in the Syndicate, makes one lonely. And choices made out of loneliness usually lead to the biggest mistakes. Moreover, drugs combined with loneliness can be lethal. And my solitude, and all the toxic things that came with it, was the catalyst for my creating the first cracks in our love.
CHAPTER 11
Kinsey - 5 years ago – age 22
DURING OUR COLLEGE years, Cesare breaks my heart twice. The first time, I forgive him, but after the second time, I’ve had enough of his indiscretions.
I’m at his dorm the first day of my visit. We had a falling out because I think he’s been doing drugs: he looks terrible. And then he left and has been gone for hours.
When he returns, I know something bad has happened; he’s been slowly slipping away from me for years.
His red-rimmed eyes plead with me before he’s even opened his mouth.
“What’s wrong with you? You just disappear when I’ve flown three hours to finally see you again?”
“Kins, I-I need to talk to you about something important.” He edges closer and I step back.
“Just spit it out.”
“I made a huge mistake.” He studies me intently, and moisture wells in his eyes.
Time stops as my heartbeat pounds in my chest. “Just say it. What did you do?!”
“I was drunk and high. I...” He averts his gaze.
“Tell me!”
“I slept with someone else. I’m so sorry! It meant nothing!” He strides to me and cups my face. “It was a mistake.”
My heart shatters into a million pieces – again. Last year, he kissed another girl when he was pissed, but this is so much worse.
I shake my head and push him away forcefully. “Don’t you fucking touch me! When did it happen?!”
“A couple of weeks ago. I’ve been feeling like shit, and I missed you so much. I...I was weak.”
The trust we’ve built for almost six years obliterates in that moment. A hole forms inside of me, and I feel empty.
“Kins, please say something,” he begs, watching me closely.
I merely stare at the floor. “Who is she?”
“No one. She means nothing.”
“That doesn’t make me feel better right now,” I counter sadly and catch his gaze. “I’m going home.”
“No!” He blocks my path at the door after I’ve swung my bag over my shoulder.
“I want to talk.” He holds up both hands. “Kinsey, please stay. We need to talk!”
“Get out of my way.”
“Fine. I’ll leave, and you call me when I can come back and you’re ready to talk.”
I grit my teeth but know he won’t budge, so I nod.
Reluctantly, he goes.
After five minutes, I check the hall and leave.
Cesare rounds the corner. Of course, he was checking on me.
I hurry along to the entrance of the dorm as he screams my name, but a guy blocks his path, so I run outside to hail the first cab I see.
“To the airport,” I say and go home, where I crawl into my bed and sit with my knees drawn up to my chest and my face buried in my hands. I hurt too much to even cry, and I shake so badly that my teeth are chattering.
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