“Things aren’t as simple for me as they are for you, Ivy. You can leave. I have family here and even though they’re fucked up, they still need me to be here for them. I can’t just abandon them, especially not now.”
Raven’s family are even more fucked up than mine. They string her along for money all the time because they’re addicts and on top of it, CJ is still here and he’s her crazy ex. “You are going to suffocate if you keep staying here, Rav’, and I don’t want to see that happen. You deserve to be happy, and like Frank, you need new scenery for that to happen.”
“I know, but just give me a few weeks. I’ll be down by Christmas. You’ll see.” Raven smirks at the end and shuts the window.
She’s telling me one thing, but I’m seeing something totally different happening. She’ll make a commitment and then bail on it last minute. I want to hope that she’ll keep her word, but I know her, and I know how much her family means to her— even if they might be the death of her.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
“Go where you are celebrated — not tolerated. If they can’t see the real value of you, it’s time for a new start.”
~ Unknown
Ivy
It’s been almost a week since Thanksgiving and I can say that I’ve never had any type of holiday like that. Everyone in the house was feeling quite a bit of agony. Kade tried to hide it the best that he could but even I could see he was hurting too.
He’s in pain because his father is and he can’t do a thing about it. Kade wants to make it all go away for Fist but he won’t be able to. He’s experienced an astronomical loss and the only person who can pull him through it is himself. I don’t mean to sound cold but I know from my own personal experiences. Once you’re in that dark pit, it doesn’t matter who tries to pull you out. You can have ten people offering you their hands, but only if you take one are you going to get out of the darkness. It’s up to Fist, and he’s not ready to see the light again. Not yet at least.
I told Kade that he can’t do anything right now except support his brother in his new position. Fist named Zane interim Prez and gave Blackjack an interim position as the club’s VP as well. I think everyone was really happy with the VP choice. From what I understand, Zane was always going to get the gavel when he was old and mature enough, but Blackjack was a welcome surprise. The first thing Zane did with his newfound power was initiated Hammer in as an official prospect for the club. It was well deserved after everything he did in helping nab down Connor.
“It’s so nice to meet you,” Emily, Machk’s wife says. She’s dressed in a long green blouse with dark jeans and has long black hair. I have a hard time telling if she’s also Native American, but Machk answers my question.
“Emily is half Native American, half black. I’m sure you could tell her differences. You should know that being a mixed race doesn’t make you any less than here. The great spirit will always be with you.”
Emily smiles brightly at the man standing next to her and plants a kiss on his cheek. “This is exactly why I married you, because of your kind nature. Now, Ivy, let’s go in and meet the rest of your family.” Emily takes me by the hand and leads me into the living room. I see two girls who must be teenagers and a boy who might be a little older. Behind him, though, is an even older man, and that must be Austin.
“The girl on the left with the curly hair is Lola and she’s fifteen. The brunette standing next to her is McKayla and she’s thirteen. Now, we move onto our son Caleb who just turned eighteen and will be graduating this year, and I’m sure you can put the pieces together that Austin is over there,” Emily gestures with her hand and makes me feel like I’m a prize on a game show. “Everyone this is Ivy. She’s your sister.”
“The one Dad had with Austin’s Mom, right?” McKayla asks and Emily nods once.
“Yep, that would be correct. Austin, you both haven’t met yet, right?”
Austin crosses his arms. “No, this would be the first time.”
“Does this mean we can do fun stuff like go to the mall together? Lola can’t drive yet,” McKayla interrupts looking so frustrated that Lola isn’t any older. I’m guessing no one told them that I’m moving tomorrow which only puts the pressure on me to do it now.
“Sure we can, whenever I’m around. I’m moving to Las Vegas tomorrow but I’ll be back in a few months to visit everyone.” Kade and I never discussed coming back for visits, but I think it’s something we need to make time for. Not only for my new found family but for his own sanity as well. Until Fist is back and on the right track, Kade is going to do nothing but worry. At least if we come back up every now and then, he can feel a little better about us being so far away.
“Yay! See, we figured out a loophole!” McKayla sticks her tongue out at Lola who only rolls her eyes at her younger, obviously more annoying sister. To be honest, I’ve never really given much thought about having sisters because I had Connor, but in a weird way, I think that losing my old family was a blessing. I think I needed to go through everything in my life to shape me into the person that I am today, however, I need the family that I’m in front of right now to keep me happy. I giggle at the two girls who are a breath of fresh air.
“’ Sup,” Caleb says to me, walking off into another room. The two girls chase after him and for a minute, I think it’s going to be Emily, myself, Machk, and Kade, but Emily runs after her other kids and Kade disappears with Machk, leaving me alone with Austin.
“How are you doing?” I ask, not really sure where to start. Austin’s entire world has blown up in smoke too.
“I’m alright, I guess. Having a hard time processing that I have a sister.” He’s blunt and I appreciate it. I’d rather him be blunt than hide anything from me, but I can sense he’s not speaking as much as he wants to. Call it a gut feeling, woman’s intuition or whatever you think is fitting, but I just know.
I cross my arms over my chest in a way to comfort myself before I speak, “If something’s bothering you, you can tell me,” I say, waiting for an answer.
“I hold a bit of resentment toward you, Ivy, and it’s not something I should have. Mom and Dad had me when they were very young, but she was only a few years older when you were born and she kept you. Not only that, but she kept you away from Dad and it pisses me off. So, I apologize for being angry because it shouldn’t be directed towards you. You just look so much like her. The only difference is that you have Dad’s features.”
I expected that Austin might feel a certain way toward me and I knew that this was something we’d both have to work on. I believe our relationship can be great, but it will take a lot of work to get it to that point. “Don’t worry about it. I’m not angry. Your feelings are valid and I expected as much from you.”
He looks over on the wall and stares for a few moments longer than any one person should, so I turn and see that he’s looking at a picture of our mother, who is on a wall filled with family photographs. “I’m shocked to see a photo of her here.”
“You won’t be once you get to know Emily. She insisted on a photo of my birth mother and adoptive parents be in this home. They’re the couple next to Mom’s photo.”
I think hard for a moment and wonder if Austin knows that our mother is dead. “Did Machk tell you that Connor . . .” I can’t find the courage to continue speaking, but Austin nods, giving me the answer I seek.
“Our brother killed our mother. It’s ten levels of screwed up, but what the hell. We don’t exactly have a picture perfect family or any sense of normalcy but it is what it is.”
“I knew something had happened and she’d never leave us,” I mutter lowly, staring at the photo of her in her mid-twenties. She had long blonde hair, and her blue eyes shine in the sunlight of the photograph.
“She’d already left me. I saw Dad way more than her growing up. I don’t know why she stayed away so much, but later I found out how much of a secret I was for her. It all made sense and it screwed with my head. At least Dad kept coming around. Other
wise, I don’t know what I would’ve done.” Austin’s words hurt my heart, especially knowing that she distanced herself from him.
“I can’t speak for her, but if she kept her distance it was to keep you safe. Grizzly would’ve killed you and I’m sure she wanted to keep him off your trail for as long as possible.”
“Yeah, the man who killed my parents. I’m very aware of how dangerous he is, ” Austin seethes out. Part of me wants to be angry at him for giving me an attitude, but I can’t be. I don’t believe that one individual should ever put down another’s feelings, especially in situations like this. Never will I make someone feel like their feelings aren’t valid because they are. We’re human, after all, and we’re allowed to feel the plethora of emotions that come to us.
“I understand you’re angry, but I’m hoping that you and I can eventually have a relationship of some sort. I don’t expect it to happen overnight, but I’m hoping that it will happen.”
Austin shrugs. “I’d like for that to happen but I’ll need you to be patient with me. I have a lot of shit to go through in my head.”
“I’m not going to rush you. Kade and I are moving tomorrow, but maybe you and I can exchange numbers and just start by texting one another? We’ll come back for a visit in a few months . . . if you’re open to it maybe we can go get a burger in Billings.” I smile at the end, hoping it might encourage him to accept.
“Yeah, I think that might work, but only if it’s a barbeque bison burger.”
I can’t help but laugh at what he wants because he doesn’t realize just how similar we are.
Over the course of the next four hours, I get to know so much about the family that I’ve been missing out on all these years. Each and every one of them is absolutely amazing and I can’t wait for our relationships to flourish. Kade and I will be back before Valentine's day for a visit. All the siblings agreed to go out for bison burgers and have a fun-filled day. Lola and McKayla did make me agree to go to the mall with them, and I just can’t say no to that.
It’s no surprise that Kade and I have been through a lot these past few weeks, and while we might be leaving Montana— we’re headed into a new beginning. I can’t wait for our journey to finally start, and I’m excited to come back home to these new family bonds.
For the first time in my entire life, I feel like I belong.
The End
Hawk
Reapers MC Book 6
Acknowledgments
My Betas— You all are amazing. Thank you so much for your invaluable feedback while I was writing this book.
Clarise— This is one of my favorite covers that we’ve ever worked on together. Thank you so much!
Dante— Thanks for adding these tattoos to Jess and Dustin. They’re sick!
My Blogger Team— As always, thank you so much for helping me share all my work. Without you, I wouldn’t be reaching the masses.
Amanda/A.C.
You’ve shown me what it truly means to be a friend. We may have connected through the worst of circumstances but what I will say is that I’m so thankful we found each other. Two women who think in many of the same ways and who’ve dealt with the same struggles.
As always, I gotchu girl.
Xoxo,
E.K.
Playlist
Fucked Up, Kinda – Julia Michaels & Role Model
There You Are — ZAYN
Close My Eyes — Hey Violet
Don’t Call Me Angel — Ariana Grande, Miley Cyrus & Lana Del Rey
Let You Be Right — Meghan Trainor
History of Violence — Theory of a Deadman
Prologue
Part of recovery is dealing with the memories you would rather forget.
~ The Freedom Center
Raven
4 years ago . . .
I graduate in a month and can’t wait for the day I walk across that stage and grab my diploma. Ever since I was a little girl, the only thing I’ve ever dreamed of is getting out of this podunk town. There’s no future for anyone here. You marry a farmer, are a farmer, or work at a small general store where the closest available alternative is over an hour away.
“Chelsea! Are you hearin’ a word I’m sayin’ right now?” My best friend Izzy pulls my attention back to reality. That’s what keeps happening these days. I’m so close to getting out of here and all I seem to do is daydream about it.
I glance over my shoulder from home plate and look at her. “Are you gonna throw the ball or what?”
She gives me a dumbfounded look. “Am I gonna . . . girl. I’ve thrown the ball two times already and your ditzy head hasn’t even tried to hit one. We all know I’m good, but I’m not this good. You’re the best batter we have on the team. Heck, any time we expect a foul, you end up hitting a home run. Get your head in the game!”
Izzy and I have been friends since we were about six years old. We went to the same after-school daycare together— not that there’s anywhere else to go in town. When I think back on it, I think about the good old days— the days where my mom worked a couple of towns over. Back then, our lives were relatively normal.
My brother Matthew was a few years older than me. He was always the typical, annoying big brother that any little girl would have. Now, though . . . now, he’s something else entirely. One day, everything changed. First, it changed for Momma. But then Matthew started changing too. I had already accepted I was losing her but Matthew made a promise he wouldn’t do the same. He went back on that promise when I was fifteen.
It’s been three long years but somehow, I’ve made it through to this point. I silently told myself to make it until graduation, until I had enough money saved up to try and rent a room out close to Missoula. Classes don’t start until late August, but it’ll come sooner than I think.
Izzy pulls her arm back and throws the ball in an undercut pitch and it proceeds to fly my way. I yank the bat back, watching the ball as it approaches me. Just as it crosses over the edge of home plate, I swing, using the entire force of my body to get the ball into the outfield.
As the ball flies away, I run toward first base, the mud sticking in my cleats. It rained here a couple of days ago after not getting any for the last month. Normally, we wouldn’t even be out here until the dirt dried but we don’t have many days like this left. Soon, the group of us will be leaving to go off on our new adventures.
I didn’t start playing softball until a couple of years ago. It was a few months after Dad left us and Momma started acting a little lost. Matthew was the one who recommended I do something after school.
Momma works first shift at a shoe factory now because she lost her job at the bank. I think my brother knew she was going downhill after that. I saw the signs but chose to ignore them all. I wanted her to get better, not to continue going down the rabbit hole. Looking back, I feel like a naïve little girl.
I start to slow down as I reach first base and end up sliding on the mud, getting the entire left side and my butt covered in filthy dirt. The girls bust out into laughter. We only came here to play for fun. It’s not practice or anything with obligation, but we love softball. It’s what helped get me out of this town and earned me a scholarship.
“I can’t believe you just busted your butt,” Megan says, chuckling at first base.
I roll my eyes, extending my hand out for her to help me up. “I may have, but I still hit that ball outta the park.”
“That you did,” she agrees.
I stand back up with her help and the dark gray clouds come in swiftly. “Is it supposed to rain?” I call over to Izzy. She’s always looking at the weather. It makes sense since it’s her life’s dream to become a meteorologist.
“Yeah, they said thunderstorms this evening. I thought we were beating it, though.” She frowns, looking up to the sky.
We all jump as a loud, crackling thunder greets us. “Okay, I think it’s time we call it a night,” Nicole yells over from third base. Pulling her hand from her glove, she heads over to wh
ere all our duffel bags are behind the chain-link fence.
Brandi, Lauren, and Rachel come in from the outfield too. I sigh, knowing this means I have to head home a lot sooner than I want to. “You need a ride?” Izzy asks, but we both know the answer.
I don’t have a car, so obviously I need a ride. It’s not exactly like I want to ride my bike three miles home in a torrential downpour either.
All of us girls go to our duffel bags and grab our things. Those of us who have cars grab keys, and the passengers go with whoever is driving them home. Megan hops in Izzy’s truck as I put my bike in the back of it. I don’t want to ride with Megan, but I’d rather not be a drowned rat so I’ll deal with it. She’s one of those girls who make you feel like she’s constantly judging you.
Hell, I am the trashiest one in our group. Everyone knows it too. Izzy does her best to keep my reputation clean but she can’t save me from everything. If Izzy heard me thinking like this, she’d slap me silly. Everyone else in our group are farmers’ daughters. Izzy is the only exception because her mom owns an oil rigging company. They dig primarily out of South Dakota but live here in Montana because it’s where her mom grew up.
As soon as I finish putting my bike in the back, I hop in front next to Megan and shut the door. Izzy is quick about making it down the street to Megan’s house first and then peels out of her driveway and off to the small trailer my mom moved us into earlier this year.
“Are you alright?” she asks, her copper-colored hair blowing from the crack in the window as we drive down the interstate.
“Yeah. I’m fine. Just thinkin’ about how I’ll miss this is all.”
Izzy smiles with a somber look, taking her right hand from the steering wheel and grabbing mine. “We’ll be split up for a couple of years, but we’ll always be best friends. Trust in that, okay? As for the rest of the gang? Well, I dunno, but you and I have stuck it out through the long haul and we always will.”
Chaos: A Reapers MC Boxset Page 17
