I owed it to myself to finally get off the ride. I made a promise to myself to be happy in every way possible. Being with CJ didn’t make me happy— it suffocated me. His presence sucked away everything I loved about myself. When I made the decision to leave him, I felt free. Or at least, I felt free until I had to go to work and face him. You know how that made me feel, though? Brave.
“I can’t wait to see him again,” I confess, trying to focus on the road ahead of me. I have no time to be daydreaming about the silly crush I have on this biker. I must confess I had a few naughty dreams about this man after I met him, dreams that imprinted themselves in my mind.
“I have a feeling he thinks the same about you. I wish I had recorded him when I told him we were friends. He could’ve shit himself, for all I know.”
“Oh?” I mutter, giggling.
“Yep. So, what’ve you been up to?” Ivy asks, and for a moment I think about lying to her. I don’t know why the option comes so easily to my mind, but it does. I never told her too much about my past. After all, they’re my demons. No one else should have to deal with them. Hell, it took me years to just accept them for what they are— things I can’t change and have no control over. My anxiety wanted me to be able to make things change, but that’s not how the world works.
“I’m on my way into town to meet up with my Momma,” I say, stopping there. The only thing Ivy knows about my family is that they’ve had issues with pills. She doesn’t know about the life I was subjected to as a teenage girl. It’s dirty laundry I don’t really care to discuss.
“Really? When’s the last time you saw her?” Ivy’s question causes me to think back. I don’t think I’ve seen her since I came home for Christmas freshman year. Out all the things she’s ever done to me, that had to be the worst.
I took a bus from Missoula to our small town and ended up walking four miles to the trailer she was renting only to find she didn’t live there anymore. She and my brother were kicked out three months prior and they never told me. I spent that Christmas at Izzy’s house and never got the answers I sought. It was only when Izzy’s mom was driving me to the bus stop that I saw my Momma. She was on the side of the road talking with someone who everyone knew as a drug dealer. It all made sense. She let her habit destroy our home.
“Christmas a few years back, but I haven’t spoken to her since I graduated high school,” I tell her, hoping I can keep the painful memories buried deep inside.
“Holy shit. How long has that been?”
“Almost five years now.”
I hear Ivy suck in a sharp breath. “And now all of a sudden you’re going to see her? How the hell did that happen?”
“She got my phone number somehow and called me. I didn’t expect it.” Hell, if any ghost would’ve called me from my past, I thought it would’ve been Izzy before my Momma. Izzy and I didn’t really leave things on good terms, but there are far too many feelings left there.
“Raven, didn’t you say your family had drug problems?”
“Yeah.”
“Alright, well, be careful. You never know. This could be some ploy to get you to give them money for their next fix. I’d love to hope it isn’t, but I’ve learned to expect the worst out of people.”
“Yeah, we know why.” I laugh, hoping she finds the humor out of my reply. I breathe a little easier when she laughs too.
I pull Fist’s truck into a parking spot a few stores away from the restaurant I agreed to meet my Momma at. “I just got into town, so I’ll let you know how it goes.”
“Okay, be safe.”
“You too, and please send Hawk my love.”
“Oh, I’ll have so much fun telling him that,” Ivy cackles, hanging up the phone.
Now all I have to do is get out of the car and walk into the restaurant— if only it was that easy.
Chapter Four
Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it
~ Unknown
Raven
I agreed to meet her here at six in the evening. It’s ten minutes past and I haven’t seen her walk into the restaurant yet. I’ve been sitting in the truck for twenty already. Part of me thinks she could already be inside, but I know how likely that is.
I take in a deep breath, remove my hands from the steering wheel, grab the keys from the ignition, and open my door. Locking the truck, I pull my purse over my shoulder and walk towards the country-esque diner she chose to meet me at. Momma isn’t from here, so she doesn’t have any leverage. It must sound bad I’m already thinking like this . . . but I know not to expect anything good from her.
I try to focus on the surroundings, to stare at the old, worn brick that covers the buildings along the street. I attempt to smell the fresh country air that blankets Montana, anything to bring me out of my own head. Thoughts from the past plague my mind, memories resurfacing only to cause me heartache and grief.
I don’t want to think about all the times she let me down as a kid. Or about how I was so angry with her for being selfish after Dad left. Instead of being the strong one, she folded into herself, falling into the deepest depression. No matter what Matthew or I did, it wasn’t enough. She found solace in the pills and after that, it seemed like she didn’t give a damn about either of us.
Back when I was in college I had a friend named Riley who wanted to go into social services and be a therapist. I ended up confiding in her, telling her things I never even confessed to those closest to me growing up. I couldn’t talk to my brother because he ended up turning into a miniature version of our Momma. His falling into the same pit she did makes my need to stay away from pills of any kind stronger. I don’t even like to take a Tylenol. Fuck it. I’d rather feel the pain.
I’ve seen first-hand how pills can tear apart someone’s reality and make their family suffer in the worst of ways.
I try my hardest to bury every negative feeling I’ve felt towards her over the years and put my hand on the door to the restaurant, pulling it toward me. Upon entering, I’m hit with the scents of peppermint and mocha. It causes me to smile, reminding me why I love Billings so much. Whenever the seasons roll around, everyone in town celebrates the soonest they can. I may only be smelling the scents of the holidays, but it calms me.
“Hi. How are you doing today, miss?” the hostess asks me as I venture forward.
I smile lightly. “I’m okay, thank you. I’m actually here to meet someone. I had waited outside for her but didn’t see her come in.”
“Okay. What’s her name?”
“Sharon,” I reply, glancing around the area to see if I can spot her myself.
“There was a woman who came in earlier by herself. She told me she was waiting for her daughter. Would that be you?”
“Probably, but what did she look like?”
“She had dark chocolate brown hair, hazel-colored eyes. She’s very thin.”
I nod the moment the hostess says she’s thin. “Yeah, it’s probably her. Where did you seat her?”
“I’ll take you down to her right now. Follow me, okay, sweetie?”
The hostess steps behind the booth and leads me to the back of the restaurant. I come up behind her so she doesn’t see me approaching. She’s wearing an army green jacket and while her hair is the dark chocolate brown it’s always been, she has streaks of something else toward the ends. To be honest, it looks washed out and frizzy.
“Your daughter is here,” the hostess tells her, and I step across to the other side of the booth, standing in the aisle for a moment.
It’s hard to believe only a few years have passed. She looks so much older like she should be well into her late sixties. She’s at least fifteen years younger than that. Hell, she shouldn’t be older than forty-five or forty-six.
“Hey, kid,” she smiles widely like we just saw each other last week. I take in a deep breath and sit down as the hostess makes her way back down the aisle and toward her booth. Honestly, I’m having a hard time taking her in right now. S
he looks like a skeleton. Her skin is sagging and clammy-looking. Her hair looks thin, even worse from the front.
“Why did you call me out of the blue?” I get straight to the point, afraid I already know where she’s trying to go. Part of me wants to give her a chance, but the other part of me knows how people are these days. They’re selfish bastards and will do whatever they want.
She opens her mouth for a second and then smiles. Shit, she hasn’t changed a bit. She’d do the exact same thing when I was in high school right before she’d lie. “It’s been a while and I wanted to see how my baby girl’s been doing. You and I haven’t seen each other in a minute and I missed you.”
I scoff, “A minute? It’s been over five fucking years.” I can’t help but correct her. She’s trying to play me like a violin, but I’m not a naïve little girl anymore. I see shit for what it is these days.
“Uh, I’ll come back for your drink order in a bit.” I didn’t even notice a waitress had approached us, but I watch as she scurries down the aisle and heads toward the hostess. I’m betting she’s gonna tell her what she just overheard.
I try to keep my anger buried inside me, to not let it out, but I’m pissed. Fuck that, I’m more than pissed. I’m furious at her audacity. She’s only come here for one thing. She’s gotten herself into trouble and needs my help or my money.
Momma narrows her eyes and looks at me firmly. “Watch your tongue, young lady. We haven’t seen each other in a while and you’re going to speak to me like this? I’m your Momma. Show some respect.”
“I don’t know if I have any left,” I admit. “You haven’t shown me any. You didn’t even have the decency to tell me you moved. I came home for Christmas and found out you didn’t live there anymore. Your phone number didn’t work and neither did Matthew’s. It’s like you two vanished. You didn’t even bother to tell me. I went off to college to further my education and create a better life for myself and I lost the family I had.”
Even though I felt like they were holding me back, they were still my family. At the forefront of my mind, I knew they were bad for me, but I wanted them to both be better. After losing Dad, I needed them to be better. He walked out of our lives, meanwhile, my Momma and brother decided to . . . swallow their pain.
“I’m sorry, baby. Everything was so hard back then. Mattie and I were working to get our shit straight.”
“And have you?” I question, but from the way she looks, I already have an answer.
“We’re working really hard to get it straight. We’ve just run into a speed bump and need a little help from you.”
I fuckin’ knew it. I knew she needed something from me.
“What do you need?” I ask, curious as hell.
“Mattie and I got into some trouble with an old friend from Warren. He wants us to pay him.”
“You mean to say you owe him money?”
“I – no. It’s not like that, sweetie, I swear.” She extends her hand across the table and reaches for me but I pull my arm away.
“It’s always like that. I’m not a little girl anymore, Momma. I’m not going to help you out of the hole you dug yourself. You only came here because you needed money. You didn’t call because you wanted to see me, or missed me. You just needed someone else to get rid of your problems. Well, listen up, Momma. I’m not your ticket out.” I slide to the end of the booth and stand up, quickly walking down the aisle and heading out the door. I leave, hearing her call my legal name.
Fuck Chelsea. She was a weak bitch. Raven is what I go by now, and is a complete representation of how I had to learn to fly on my own.
Chapter Five
If it means something to you, fight for it
~ The Better Man Project
Hawk
“Okay, you’re gonna have to explain all this to me again,” Ivy says, trying to understand the breakdown of the club.
I chuckle lightly. “It’s no problem. It’ll take you a minute to get it all down. Booger is the one over there with the neck tattoo. His girl is Camila.”
“The one on his lap?” she questions and I nod, but I see the way she contorts her face into disgust.
“What’re you thinkin’?”
“How the fuck he got a road name like Booger. So gross.”
I laugh, a little louder than I intend to. “It’s a joke. Boog’ always knows how to pick ‘em. We did it as a way to fuck with him when he was prospecting and the name stuck. He’s a really good guy. Funny as shit too. His girl Camila is as sweet as pie. A firecracker, but very kind.”
“Okay, and Cobra was with Brotherhood?”
“Yeah, he’s over there flirting with Onyx. Chaz is the one standing next to her on the other side. He was with Brotherhood too. Now, we’re all one big happy, fucked-up family. Oh, and the pretty boy in the corner is Mouser. He’s our latest prospect.”
Ivy smirks. “She seems like she’s trouble.”
My gaze shifted over to the trio and I look back at Ivy. “Who?” I question.
“Onyx. She has it written all over her face. All my time with the Bears . . . I feel like I can sense shit. Men and women, they all have the same determined look when causing chaos. She’s . . . something.”
“Onyx is just a whore. Don’t give her more credit,” I mutter.
“You’re not giving her enough. I’m gonna be keepin’ my eye on her. Something doesn’t rub me the right way. What’s her story?”
“She’s a madame or pimp, whatever you wanna call her. When the Demons of Hell were down here, she’d supply girls to the club for the members to fuck. They’d have club girls and then girls on the street workin’. The Demons would get a cut as long as they provided protection.”
“By work, you mean prostitution.”
“Yeah, I sure do. I’m bettin’ the deal Onyx struck with Damon is far better than whatever she had with Rage. At least the women aren’t getting black and blue and bloody on our watch.”
“Did they with him?”
I nod once. “Yeah, one of her girls told me he didn’t care if the Johns would rough them up a little. Not as long as he got his cash.”
“Wow. That’s sad. At least they’re in a better situation now . . . I think.” The shift in Ivy’s tone causes me to think more about Onyx. I’ve never given her much credit. She’s always been a whore to me, but maybe there’s more to her than I’m realizing. One thing’s for sure— until Ivy brought it up I didn’t think anything of Onyx. I’ll be keepin’ my guard up from now on, though. “Okay, so Amara is the VP and she was with Widow but isn’t anymore? Now, he’s with one of the Jackals . . . who are a vigilante group thing?”
“Yeah, you’re catchin’ up. Widow also has a daughter with a woman who isn’t involved in the club. I’ll give you the gossip here and now. The woman he has a daughter with was Amara’s best friend, but she ran off because she caught them fucking, had the baby in secret, and he only found out after he was down here.”
“You’re making my life seem a lot less dramatic with all this.”
“You’ve got everyone beat with your step-father situation, but you’ll fit in fine. Don’t you worry about a damn thing. I can tell you’re still nervous.” I offer her a soft smile, trying to ease her worries. She’s the fresh blood, chum in the water, so to speak, but everyone here will give her their respect or they’ll have not only Kade to deal with but me too. This woman has been through it. She doesn’t need any more shit to go bad.
“Okay, I’m not getting worried about it. Promise. Now, Kat is with Damon, who is the Prez, and Damon is Amara’s brother?”
“Yes,” I confirm.
“And Dixon isn’t tied down to anyone?”
“Nope, he isn’t.”
“And you?” Ivy asks, but I see the glimmer in her eyes. The girl is fishing for information.
“Hopin’ you’ll trade some information with me since I’ve helped you out and given you the low down while Kade’s been busy with Damon this evening.”
She cocks her
brows, looking around the clubhouse and leans in. “What kind of information?”
“You’re friends with Raven, so I’m hopin’ you’ll hook a man up with her phone number. You know, since I’ve been so helpful and shit.” I plaster a shit eatin’ grin at the end of my sentence.
Ivy cackles, opens her cell phone, and taps away. We already exchanged numbers earlier and I see her name pop up on my phone. I grab my cell off the table and open it, seeing a Montana area code. “You didn’t even put up a fight,” I say, a bit surprised.
“Why would I? She likes you. It’s obvious you like her. Stop flappin’ your jaws with me. Get outta here and give her a call,” Ivy orders.
I chuckle, stand with my phone in hand, and leave the clubhouse, heading toward the trailer I share with Dixon. The second I’m free from the prying ears of eavesdroppers, I tap the number on the screen and put my phone against my ear.
“Hello?” The voice on the other end sounds defeated, emotionally drained.
“Raven?” I say, making sure I don’t have the wrong number.
“Who’s calling?” she asks, sounding a little irritated.
“It’s Hawk, Baby Bird. What’s goin’ on? You sound upset.”
She sucks in a sharp breath. “I . . . uh, how’d you get my number?”
“Ivy gave it to me. I wanted to give you a call and check-in. By the way you sound, I have good timing.”
“I’m feeling good. My shoulder is healing up a bit. I’m sure most people go through physical therapy and shit, but I don’t exactly have the resources to go through all that.”
I can sense her bullshit through the phone. “I’m glad your shoulder is healin’, but Baby Bird, I can tell somethin’ happened. You sound a bit off. You wanna talk about it or you want me to fuck off?”
Chaos: A Reapers MC Boxset Page 19
