by Lila Veen
“I have no idea,” I say. “It’s like before she would always come to my rescue whenever something unpleasant happened. This time she generously let me experience it all for myself.”
“But in a way it’s kind of a good thing,” Devin says. I give him a dirty look. “I mean, it’s not good that you went through that, but it’s a breakthrough of sorts.”
Is it? I wonder. We are sitting on the couch together. Its 5:42 am and neither one of us has had much sleep, though I’m wide awake and I think Devin is too. He’s used to operating on almost no sleep as a railroader. I am freshly showered under Devin’s care for the second night in a row. Yet I feel okay, like I’m going to get through this. Devin is with me. Of course I will get through this. Not to mention, Devin’s right. Kate isn’t here and it feels like a breakthrough. My head is resting on his shoulder and his arms are around me. As much as I wish he wouldn’t pry into my business, I need Devin in my life. He’s the only one who knows what I’ve been through and how things are with Kate.
“I just feel shitty about how I left things with Justin,” I say to Devin. “I couldn’t tell him, you know?”
“About Kate?” Devin asks me. I’m sure I look sheepish.
“No, I, um, told him about Kate,” I say. “We sort of had a chat as he drove me over.” To get raped is how I’d like to sarcastically complete that sentence, but I know it will make me sound crass.
Devin cringes for a second, but then his face relaxes. “You realize there are a couple of very unconventional things that occurred this evening,” Devin says. “You not only opened up about a very secret part of yourself to someone new, but your alter ego failed to show up after a traumatic experience. And you’re not on medication?” I shake my head. “Well something is working. Why did you decide to tell Justin?”
“I’m not sure,” I reply. “I just feel…comfortable with him. And I had a feeling he knew some things already.”
“Probably,” Devin admits, offering up nothing further. “Are you sure you don’t want to report this to the police?”
I shake my head. I just want to move past this. Devin shrugs. “Okay, it’s your call. If you change your mind we’ll go together, okay?” I nod. He stretches and yawns and I sit up. “I’m starving. Breakfast?”
“Sure,” I say.
“Great, I’ll whip something up.” He stands up and ducks into the kitchen and then decides to add, “You know, before Justin gets here to help out with the gutting of the downstairs bathroom.”
“Devin!” I shout. “Can’t you put it off a bit longer until I can talk to him?”
“Nope,” he tells me. “Justin has the day off work and we planned it already.”
“Fine,” I say. “I’ve been meaning to register for school and find a job.”
“Well fuck,” Devin says as I walk into the kitchen while he scrambles eggs. “Had I known that having a guy over for a potentially awkward moment would motivate you to get off your ass and out of the house to become a competent member of society I’d have done this ages ago.”
“Very funny,” I say. “Make me my damn breakfast.”
After I am fed I feel ridiculously sleepy as does Devin. Justin won’t be over until noon and so it gives both of us time to catch a quick nap. When I open the door to my bedroom, she’s there.
“Oh fuck,” I breathe. “Where have you been?”
“Oh, around,” she says casually. I note with disgust that she’s wearing the red bra and panties I wore last night that I’d tossed on the floor before I showered myself off. “Did you miss me?”
“No,” I say, turning my back to her and shedding my robe and opening a drawer to get a t-shirt. “In fact I did not. Considering what you let me endure last night, I’d say you’re not welcome right now.”
“Oh no?” she purrs. She lounges languidly on my bed and reaches around the side. She comes up with a DVD. It’s from my “collection”. “Care to watch a dirty movie with me? Or have you seen enough?”
“Very funny.”
She smiles slightly and stands up and walks over to me. I feel her touching me yet she’s distant this time, as though she might walk through me. I see her in the mirror across my room. Her hands reach up from her sides to cup my breasts, but I don’t feel anything. Normally she would make me tremble, make me want her. All I want is for her to leave. “When he touched you last night, you didn’t want me. When I touch you today, you don’t want me. Maybe you’re finally dead inside.”
“No!” I shriek. “Go away! I’m not dead. You’re dead to me!”
“Jenna!” Devin slams my door open and bursts in. Kate disappears and I am crouched down, sobbing. I’m sure I look pathetic. Devin scoops me up like a baby and the DVD Kate has presented me with falls to the ground. Devin casts a glance at it. I wish he wouldn’t see it. “Jenna, was she here?” I nod. “Jesus Christ,” is all he can say. “Come on, come to my room. I’ll watch you and make sure you sleep.” I nod and allow him to rescue me, as usual.
Chapter 10
It’s 8:00 am the following day when I wake up in Devin’s bed. I feel like I’ve been drugged. To make things worse, I can’t stop crying and it’s making my head feel like it’s full of rocks. I feel like the reality of what actually happened the previous night hadn’t hit me yet, but now the impact of the events come crashing down and I feel like they might suffocate me. My hands twist within Devin’s sheets and I writhe as though in pain. I’m sure I look like Linda Blair from The Exorcist right now. I am naked underneath. Sometime during my long sleep I ripped my clothes off and tossed them on the floor next to the bed. The soft cotton sheets against my skin make me uncomfortable. It’s warm in the room, and stuffy. I throw off the light blanket Devin has placed over me with one swift kick and I pull the pillow from my head to between my legs. As I rub myself against the pillow, my head begins to feel lighter, the tears stop, and the drugged feeling leaves me. I come, crying out, feeling renewed and calm.
Jesus, what the fuck am I doing? I sit up and quietly freak out. I rest my head against my fingertips and feel incredibly guilty and disgusted with myself. What kind of morally depraved individual have I become? “Jenna?” I hear Devin knocking on the door, making me catch my breath. “Are you awake? What’s going on? I hear noise.”
“I-I’m fine,” I say. “Just feeling a bit out of it.”
“Come out when you’re ready,” Devin tells me on the other side of the door. I hear him shuffle away and let out my breath.
I stand up and stretch and begin to put on the boxers and t-shirt that lay on the floor next to me. I take a few deep breaths and look at the sheets and realize that I’m sweaty as hell and should probably offer to wash them for Devin. When I am ready, I walk out of Devin’s room and toward the kitchen. I can’t help walking there. It smells like bacon and I’m ravenous. I’m beginning to think the only thing I will ever eat again is breakfast. Turns out there’s more than just bacon waiting for me in the kitchen. Justin is sitting at the table.
I sit down across from him at our four person breakfast table and don’t say anything. I can’t really look up at him either and realize I look like shit and haven’t showered in a day. I’m not wearing a bra and I’m wearing a shirt that says “Budweiser Beach Babe” that I got for free at a wet t-shirt contest at Appleseed a year ago. Devin puts a plate down in front of me. I pick up my fork and begin to dig in, scooping food in my mouth faster than a fat kid with a piece of cake. He made waffles and I don’t really mess around when I see waffles. They’re my favorite, particularly with bacon. Devin knows my penchant for caramel sauce with waffles and he has it on the table already for me. I squeeze the bottle and a generous portion oozes out onto my plate. I dip forkfuls of waffles and bacon into the sauce and begin stuff myself silly.
“Justin and I were talking,” Devin says, sitting down next to me. “And he said something I agree with. I think it’s time for you to go back to therapy.”
“No,” I manage to say with a mouthful of food. I’
m going to get fat living with Devin. I chew slowly and swallow. “Absolutely not. Besides, it’s not like Justin came up with this out of the blue and you decided it was a good idea. More like you planted the idea in his head and said to come over and back you up.”
Devin sighs and rubs his head. I wonder if he’s slept much during my comatose rest. “Jenna,” he says. “I know you hate being medicated. But maybe it would just be good to talk to someone about things. Maybe you don’t have to take medication. Maybe-“
“NO.” I put my fork down. “Devin, you know as well as I do that they don’t just ‘talk’ to people like me. They’ll medicate me. They’ll throw me into the hospital. They’ll give me shock therapy. You know all of it. We’ve been through it. No, wait, I’ve been through it. You just sat back and self-medicated.”
“Jenna,” Justin interrupts. “Devin just wants to help-“
“Why the fuck are you talking?” I ask him, “Last time I saw you, you weren’t exactly happy with me, and now you’re teaming up with my well-meaning brother to lock me away.”
“You don’t talk to him like that!” Devin shouts at me and I stand up and cover my ears. He pulls my hands away and I grab the plate of unfinished breakfast I am now finished devouring and hurl it at Devin. He grabs me and holds my arms down at my sides. I scream and bring my legs up to kick out to Justin, who is coming toward us. He ducks and misses my legs. I writhe away from Devin and break free, and then I’m gone.
*
Sometimes when I come out from being Kate, it’s not really unpleasant. You’ll hear people say that it’s like fainting and waking up from that. Not always for me. Sometimes there’s no disorientation and no “where am I?” feeling. Sometimes, but not always. Instead, I’m doing something really mundane like eating ice cream or brushing my teeth. This time I’m sitting on the couch watching a baseball game. I hate baseball, but Kate loves it. She’s a Sox fan. I’ve considered becoming a Cubs fan just to mess with her but I can’t possibly generate enough energy to actually give a shit about baseball. It’s just so fucking boring.
Devin and Justin are sitting in the room with me. They look relatively unalarmed and so I figure minimal damage was done this time and I haven’t gone and gotten arrested or pregnant or adopted a pet or anything dangerous or permanent. They are both sitting and drinking beers and watching the television screen. I can see from the array of bottles on the table they’ve been at it for a while, though I’m sure Kate made her contribution. “Did Kate lose any money on this game?” I ask them to let them know I’m here. Justin looks at me, appearing a bit alarmed. Devin looks completely unaffected. He’s used to this.
“Not yet,” Devin replies. “But it’s early.”
“Okay, this is nuts,” Justin says, looking at us back and forth. “But it seems like you two are used to it.”
Devin shrugs. “It’s been awhile since I’ve experienced Kate, but it’s like seeing an old friend. And old friend you don’t particularly like, but at least I know what to expect.”
“Great,” I say. “And what exactly went down while I was…gone?”
“Well let’s see,” Justin says. “Kate challenged us to strip poker, danced on a table, did fourteen tequila shots, went to the bar and rode a mechanical bull, then came back home and hemmed all of Devin’s jeans.”
“Really?”
“No.” Justin smiles. “Actually it was more like six hours of chain smoking and trash talking. Devin and Kate had a long chat about you while I was out of earshot.”
“I see.” I cast Devin a harsh look but he doesn’t catch my eye. I see we will be having that conversation later. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be,” Justin says quickly. We both look at Devin and he continues to watch the game and drink a beer. He’s ignoring me now, I guess. I sigh dramatically.
“I’m going to have a cigarette,” I say, standing up, glancing at Devin who doesn’t say a word. Justin follows me onto the porch. I light up. “I’m really sorry you had to see that.”
“I’m not,” he says, sitting down and watching me. “Watching you…as Kate, it was definitely a learning experience.” He watches me smoke some more. “I’m sorry for what we did, or said. I guess that set you off.”
“I’m embarrassed you had to see that side of me,” I admit. “I know you’re close to Devin and you’re an old friend, but it was hard enough to tell you about her. Knowing about Kate is one thing. To experience her firsthand…I worry about everything she does and what she might do to potentially ruin my life. I worry about her making you hate me. Especially when it’s not me, so to speak.”
“Jenna, I don’t think any less of you because you have a bizarre version of yourself that is the polar opposite of you,” Justin tells me. “It gave me a better understanding of what you have to deal with. And I’m sure you don’t want to hear this, but seeing Kate does give me a lot of insight into you. Surprising to hear, but I don’t hate you for it.”
“I’m glad, I suppose,” I say. I don’t really know what to say.
“On that note, I think you do need to consider what Devin wants,” Justin says. “This whole experience is taking a toll on him. He’s hurting from it.”
“I know,” I reply. I take a long drag and stash my butt in the ashtray that we stole from the outside of TGIFriday’s. It’s one of those tall ones that drops into a metal container with a slight “clunk” sound. It will take a while to fill completely. “But he knew what he was getting into when he moved in with me.”
“He did,” Justin agrees. “But maybe talking to someone else wouldn’t be the end of the world.”
I’m on the verge of another meltdown. Justin is really good at making me feel like Devin’s right and I’m a shitty person who can get help. I take a deep breath and choke back what would be a sob. As a result, I get hiccups. “Shi-it,” I say. “I need a glass of wa-ater.”
Justin stands up and turns toward the door, whirls around and grabs me by the waist. He pulls me in and kisses me, hard, taking my breath away. I pull him toward me. His lips are soft and warm and his shoulders and arms envelop me. I bring my arms around his shoulders and he breaks the kiss, but I don’t let go of him. “Stay with me tonight,” I whisper, looking up into his green eyes. They’re darker than usual in the eerie porch light.
He pulls my head down and holds it against his chest. “Hiccups gone?” I nod. His hands wrap themselves in my hair and pull gently. My face tips up toward his and he looks directly into my eyes. “You’re beautiful,” he tells me, “when you’re yourself.”
“And when I’m not?”
“You’re still beautiful,” he replies. Then he smiles. “But you scare me.”
“I scare myself,” I agree. “So can you stay?”
He shakes his head. “Not tonight,” he tells me. “I need to work in the morning and I think Devin needs to talk to you.” I clearly appear to be disappointed. “I’m not jumping into bed with you when you’re vulnerable,” he tells me. “Besides,” he continues, “I’d like to plan a night out with you.”
“Oh?”
“Oh.”
Devin steps out on the porch and I pull away from Justin. Devin doesn’t say anything about what he obviously just saw. I can see he’s having a horrible night. “Let me have one of those,” he says to me, pointing at my pack. I hand him one and watch him light up. He sits in a chair and puffs quietly, looking down the street.
“I’m taking off,” Justin says. “Good game, Dev. I’ll talk to you both later,” he finishes, putting a stress on “both”. I try not to beam and stare as he walks away.
I sit in the chair next to Devin and we watch Justin get in his Civic and drive off. “I’m sorry,” I say.
“That’s the problem, Jenna,” he begins, and I know I’m in for it. “You’re sorry and you don’t need to be. Kate isn’t sorry and has the most to apologize for.”
“I know it,” I say. “I’ll go back to therapy.” I expect a huge reaction and get nothing. “Devin?”
“I don’t want you to apologize to me anymore,” Devin finally says. “Everything you are isn’t because of your actions.”
“I know,” I say. “You have made it abundantly clear that you feel that way.”
“But what you don’t realize is that I’m partially to blame.”
“Devin, no, you’re not,” I say. I’ve heard this many times before. “You were a kid when everything happened. You couldn’t do anything.”
“I want to see a therapist too,” he says. “I’ve been thinking about it and it’s been a long time since I’ve talked to someone. So we are both going back. Maybe sessions together.”
“Like couples therapy?” I joke, but see he doesn’t find this the least bit funny. “Okay,” I relent. “I probably am the last person you want to hear this from, but you’re really fucked up, Devin.” We give each other a long look and burst out laughing. I am laughing so hard I can’t breathe, and it feels amazing. I wipe the tears away and fall into Devin’s lap. “I’m glad I’ve got you in my life.”
“Me too,” he says. “Even if your crazy bitch side comes out and ruins my game.”
“Oh shut up,” I tell him. “If you were a Sox fan you’d feel differently.”
Chapter 11
Ixtapas is a dump on the outside. Inside its cozy and dark, with hidden tables and beautiful murals of beaches and streets of Mexico, though they aren’t done in the Mayan style that I usually associate with Mexican art. The owner is friendly with Justin and immediately serves us with a heaping bowl of warm, oily chips, four different kinds of salsa, including a mango one I can’t stop eating, guacamole and a silver tray of pickled carrots, onions and peppers swimming in oil and vinegar. I can’t imagine I’ll be hungry by the time I get to the entrée, but I order the carne asada anyway after Justin assures me it’s amazing.
