by Lila Veen
“Jenna, stop, please,” Devin pleads. I whirl around and look at him and burst into tears. Justin grabs me again and pulls me away from the wall and sits me down on the floor. I’m choking on the dust and trying to take deep breaths. My knuckles have blood on them, and my fingernails are torn up.
“Let’s get her upstairs,” I hear Justin say to Devin, and he stands over me and sweeps me up like a rag doll and tosses me over his shoulder. He walks me upstairs and sits me down at the kitchen table. Devin has followed us upstairs and gets me a glass of water and places it in front of me. I gulp it down quickly, wishing it was whisky. Devin and Justin sit down at the table with me and Justin rubs my back while I calm down. I feel like an idiot, wishing I didn’t have to be taken care of all of the time. Devin grabs a first aid kit and pulls out some gauze and tape and antiseptic and begins to doctor my hands.
I sit and watch Devin bandage my hands as Justin tells Devin about Drake Carroll and Mike Carroll. I can’t look at Devin right now. I know he hurts just as much as I do to hear about it. It’s his past too, though he wasn’t exactly the same type of player, he was still a pawn in Jack’s game. He is finished with my hand when I finally get the courage to glance at him. His own fists are clenched and his lips are set in a firm white line. The color has drained entirely out of his face. Justin ignores all of this and tells Devin everything else, including the DVD Drake dropped off the other night at the housewarming. When he is finished telling Devin the whole story, we all sit in silence for a minute. I watch Devin’s face some more, but he doesn’t indicate anything he is thinking, and it’s the worst part. Finally he stands up, walks over to me and kisses me on the forehead. “I love you,” he tells me and walks out of the kitchen. When we hear the front door open and slam shut, I push my chair back from the table quickly and out the front door after him. He is getting on his motorcycle.
“Devin!” I scream over the engine. “Where are you going?”
“To kill Drake Carroll,” he tells me. “And when I’m finished with that, I’ll drive to Washington to kill his shithead brother Mike, too.”
“No!” I scream, and try and grab his sleeve but he takes off before I can hold him back or pull him off of his bike. I fall down to my knees and sob into my injured hands. I feel Justin’s arms come around me but I shrug him off. “No!” I say. “Get away from me!”
“I’m going after him,” he tells me, stepping back. He looks hurt, but he just walks over to his car and gets in and drives, leaving me alone on the lawn. I’m sure neighbors are watching but I don’t care. Instead, I pick myself up and walk back into the house to wait. For what I am waiting for, I have no idea.
“It’s a hot mess,” I hear Kate say when I get in the house. She is sitting on the couch, looking smug. I sink down next to her and put my face in my hands. “You knew Devin would react that way, though.”
“Why did you tell Justin?” I ask her. “Things wouldn’t be like this right now if you hadn’t told him.”
She looks at me and looks sad. “Do you think things were really so good before everyone knew the truth?” she asks me. “You know that’s bullshit. A person can’t go through life being two people.”
“I’m still two people,” I point out. “You’re here now.”
She smiles. “You won’t be two people for much longer. I’m saying goodbye.”
I am shocked. “Why?”
She shrugs. “Maybe there will be a time again that you need me, but I think you’ve confronted your past and you know what you need to do about it. Maybe Devin will kill Drake Carroll and Mike Carroll and go to jail, but it’s all for you. The point is, you know what’s happened to you and you have to deal with it. You’re allowed to feel angry or sad or shitty or whatever you want to feel, but it’s you feeling it now, and not me.”
I nod and realize she’s right. There was a reason I put that DVD in the player. “Will you help me with one more thing?” I ask her. She nods and knows what I will ask. “Find the DVD with Mike Carroll.”
Chapter 16
My phone rings, waking me out of a deep sleep. I wake up and feel under my pillow. There’s a gun and a DVD there. It took Kate about fifteen minutes to find them for me. Jack had them stashed away in the house the whole time. I’m sure the gun wasn’t legally registered at any point, and I don’t really give a shit. “Hello?” I say in a groggy voice.
“Jenna,” I hear Justin say. He sounds worse than I do. Exhausted. “There’s been an accident. You need to get down to the hospital. I’ve told my mom to come pick you up and drive you. She knows what’s going on and will be there in five minutes. I’ll see you here.” He hangs up before I can say anything. I waste no time getting up and finding a purse large enough to fit the gun and the DVD. I can’t leave them here. Too much is at stake.
Louisa is waiting outside for me as I open the front door. I don’t bother to lock it, since whatever Drake wants is with me and not in the house. “Oh, honey,” Louisa says when I open the door and sit down next to her. “I’m so sorry.” She has been crying, I can tell, and now I panic.
“What happened, Louisa?” I say. “Justin told me there was an accident but that’s all he said. What happened? Is Devin okay?” She answers me by bursting into tears and my heart sinks. “Louisa, answer me!” I scream. She is driving already, and I feel terrible for screaming at her but I need to know what’s going on. “Tell me what is going on!”
“He’s bad, honey,” Louisa says. “He hit a truck on 55 and flipped into the median. He’s on life support, but that’s all that’s keeping him alive.” I don’t hear her if she’s said anything else. I just stare out the window at the road and think about Kate. I need you, Kate, please, please, please don’t leave me. Devin, don’t leave me. Why is everyone leaving me?
Justin meets us outside of the ER and takes my hand. He doesn’t say anything as we walk down the hallway and we go directly to a room where I see someone who is no longer Devin. Everything that is Devin has left this empty shell where he used to reside, and now it’s just a body. “Even though he was wearing a helmet,” Justin says, “there’s no way he could have survived it. I saw it happen. I was six cars back. He was weaving in and out of lanes. It’s a wonder there’s anything left of him.”
“Oh Devin,” I whisper, and walk up to the scraped and battered body lying in the hospital bed. Machines beep and there is a tube stuck down his throat. “What did the doctors say?” I ask.
As though he was waiting outside of the door, a young doctor steps into the room. “You’re the sister?” he asks me. I nod. “Has everything been explained to you?”
“I-I’m not sure,” I say.
He nods and puts a hand on my shoulder. I’m sure he took a bedside manner class in medical school that told him to do just that. “Your brother’s head injuries are extensive to the point where his skull is putting pressure on his brain, causing massive internal hemorrhaging. Even though he’s on life support, it’s a matter of minutes or hours until the pressure causes a burst and he’ll be gone. Your friend indicated to keep him on support so you could come here to say goodbye, but I’m sorry that there is nothing more we can do.” I nod. I’d argue with him but it’s obvious that Devin is in horrible shape, and I feel choking sobs rack through me. “We’ll leave you be,” the doctor continues. “Come out when you’re ready.”
Justin comes over to me and kisses my head. “I’ll leave you alone,” he says.
“No,” I say. “I want you to be here,” I tell him. “You’re in my life now, I want you to hear this.” Justin nods and walks to the other side of Devin’s bed and sits down in one of the chairs. He looks relieved to sit. I’m guessing he’s been pacing the entire time he’s been with Devin. I sit on the other side of Devin and take his hand and a deep breath. “Devin,” I say. “It’s Jenna. I want you to know that after everything, I forgive you.” I breathe in again and let it out with shaky sobs. “I forgive you for everything. I know you wanted to protect me and I love you so much for th
at. I love you for making me feel loved. I know you’ve always loved me more than anyone else in my life and I will never forget that. I know things were never perfect for us and I hate that your life was too short and you never got to have everything you deserve.” I stop and take another breath. “I forgive you, Devin, for not being able to protect me when we were younger. I never blamed you for anything. I know you couldn’t stop it from happening.” I look at Justin, who is looking at me. “I forgive you for what Jack made you do to me,” I say, squeezing my eyes shut and feeling the tears spill out from the corners. A drop falls onto Devin’s hand holding mine. “I forgive you for not stopping I asked you not to, and I forgive you for enjoying it, because I know you loved me, and I loved you too, and it’s okay.” I sob harder and put my forehead to his hand. I don’t want to let go. I feel Justin has gotten up and put his hands on my shoulders. I turn around and see he isn’t mad, or disgusted, and he puts his hand on my face and I turn toward his caress. I stand up and kiss Devin’s face all over. His cheeks, his closed eyes, his forehead. Then I whisper something in his ear so Justin can’t hear what I have to say. “I will kill him for you,” I say. “I will do it. Don’t worry, I’ll do it. I love you more than I’ll ever love anyone, Devin.” I turn to Justin and pull myself against his chest and bawl. “I have to go,” I say to him when I’m calmer. “It’s over.”
Justin nods and follows me out of the room, away from the light of my life, which has been put out. I can’t stop crying. Justin hands me off to Louisa who is waiting in the hallway and she leads me to sit down in a chair next to her and I lean over and sob into her lap like a little kid, while she soothes me and strokes my hair. Justin tells the doctor that he can turn off the life support, and walks back over to us. “It’s over,” he says, echoing what I told him. “Let me take you home, Jenna.”
“Stay with her, Justin,” Louisa tells him, looking devastated. “I will take care of things here.” She gives me another hug. “Just go home,” she tells me, “and rest.”
I let Justin lead me away from Devin, who I will never touch again.
*
Justin brings me home and I sleep for a long time. He tells me fifteen hours, and when I wake up, there is a ton of food from Louisa and I eat some of it even though I’m not at all hungry. I smoke a few cigarettes on the back porch and come inside and tell Justin that I want to be alone. He looks hurt.
“Jenna, I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” he says. He looks uncomfortable. “Is this about what you said to Devin at the hospital?”
I shake my head. “No, it’s not,” I say. Or at least the part Justin heard. “I promise we will talk about that. I know you want to talk.”
“Only if you want to,” he says.
I nod. “I will, I promise. Right now there’s no point. I really just want to sit down and be alone. I won’t be much fun.”
“I’m okay with that,” Justin says. “You don’t have to be fun. I just want to stay with you.”
I am frustrated. “Justin, please,” I plead. “Just go home tonight. I’ll call you in the morning, but right now I can’t be with you, or anyone.”
“Fine,” he sighs. “Don’t push me away, though.” I stand up and kiss him gently. Looking at his face closely, I can see he’s been crying as well. Typical man, I think, who won’t cry in front of me.
After I see Justin drive away I jump into the shower and hose off two days of sleep and tears. I shampoo my hair and shave everything below my eyebrows and step out smelling like the exotically spiced body soap I purchased for special occasions. I rub myself down with body oil until I am glistening and put on enough makeup to hide the puffiness. As my hair air dries, I dress myself in a matching black lacy bra and panties and pick up my phone. My hands aren’t shaking as I would expect them to. I have a new confidence that I’m convinced comes from Kate. She is still with me, I know, but I am in control.
“Hello Jenna,” I hear Drake say. My heart starts to pound. So much for confidence, I think, but I take a deep breath.
“Hello,” I purr. “I need some company.”
“I read about your brother this morning in the paper,” he says. I wasn’t counting on that. “I’m very sorry for your loss.”
“Thank you,” I say through my teeth. “Care to come over and comfort me?”
“Oh, I think you don’t need that from me,” he said. “You can’t get that from the young strapping man you’re with now?”
“Alright,” I say. “How about this? I have something you want and I’d like to give it to you.” There is silence on the other end of the phone. “No strings attached,” I add.
“There are always strings attached,” he says. “I’ll be over in one hour.”
I hang up and go to my purse. Luckily, Justin never bothered to check inside while I was sleeping and the gun and DVD are still in there. I spend some time pacing around and finally the doorbell rings. Drake is there wearing a suit with no tie and looking completely perfect and composed. His hair is slicked back and while he is still handsome as hell, he’s downright ugly to me right now. I let him inside and shut the door. “Hello Jenna,” he says. “Do you have something for me?”
“I do,” I say, and walk over to my purse. I touch the gun and pull out the DVD and show it to him. “Why don’t you watch it with me?” I ask him.
His eyes widen and he grins. “Oh? I would have never guessed you would be up for that. Maybe you’re more like me than I initially thought. I’d love to watch it with you.”
“You have no idea how much I’m like you,” I say. “We can’t watch it up here,” I tell him. “The DVD player doesn’t work. Let’s go down to the basement. I found exactly what you were looking for. My father’s private library. I thought you might be interested to see it all.”
“I have no interest in the rest of what your perverted father stashed away in this house,” Drake replies. “And as much as I’d like to relive your childhood with you, I don’t really have time to sit and have movie night with you. Of course I’d love to watch it with you, but I don’t trust you to give this to me in the end. I’ll just take this and go. I’m sure my brother will be quite interested to have this in his possession.”
“You’re not leaving with this,” I say, and pull the gun out of my purse and point it at him. “Start walking.”
Drake smirks and turns around. “Where would you like me to walk? And what do you intend to do with that gun?” he asks me. “Shoot me?”
“Walk down that hallway and open the second door to your right. I’m going to kill you,” I say. “My brother died riding his motorcycle on his way to kill you. I’m doing what he should have succeeded in doing.” Drake begins to walk to the basement door and opens it. “Downstairs,” I command him and he starts down the stairs, arms over his head in defensive mode. He and I are down there with the rubble of broken brick wall and the wall of DVDs. “Turn to me and sit down in that chair,” I say, motioning toward the recliner with the gun still pointed at him.
Drake whirls around and whips his leg out and kicks the gun out of my hand. I scream in surprise and we both scramble for the gun. He gets to it first and points it at me. “I’m a Tae Kwon Do black belt,” he tells me. “I think you underestimated me. And what the fuck are you? You’re a child prostitute turned lunatic who thinks she can kill someone for revenge? I think you’ve been watching too many soap operas.”
I stare at him, unable to move. I am still clutching the DVD. “Drop that,” he says, “and slide it over to me.”
“No,” I whisper. “I’d rather you kill me first.” I shake my head and Drake points the gun at my head, making me shriek unexpectedly. I thought I could be strong, but feeling a gun pressed against my temple makes me shake uncontrollably.
“Give it to me!” he shouts. “Give me the fucking DVD or I’ll just kill you and take it.”
Sobbing, I slide it over to him and he opens the case. “I guess I will have to watch it to know whether you’re bullshitting me or not,�
� he says. “This could be one of many DVDs, I can see,” he says nodding toward Jack’s collection. “I’m not leaving this house until I know for sure I have the right one.”
I see Drake squat down in front of the TV and put the DVD in the player. He turns it on and I see a man who is definitely related to Drake kneeling and receiving oral sex from an eight year old me. I’d have some horrified reaction if I wasn’t so scared. Mike Carroll, I presume. Drake sits down in the chair and stares at the screen and I wonder why he can’t just go, now that he knows that it’s the right DVD. I look at him and notice his eyes are glazed over, and with disgust I see him unzip his pants and reach inside. He begins to masturbate and watch, the other hand with the gun in it slack next to him.
I look next to me and see a loose brick. It’s a longshot, but Drake seems…out of it. I’ve never been so grateful for pornography. My hand wraps around the brick and with a rush of adrenaline, I lunge over to him and smash the brick into his head and grab the gun. His face goes from shocked to slack.
*
Drake moans when he comes to, and twitches slightly. Something doesn’t feel right. His head, mostly. It’s pounding. The concrete floor beneath him feels cold under his cheek. His body is stretched out in an unusual way and when he tries to move, he realizes he can’t. That bitch tied him down!
That bitch is actually sitting on his back right now. Out of the corner of his eye he sees a black stockinged leg with a stiletto heel stretched out. His hands are tied to the TV stand, and his legs are tied to the recliner. He moves his head a bit to the side and feels the barrel of the gun against the base of his skull. “Don’t fucking move.”
