Don't Let Go

by Michelle Lynn

  Tony comes in, insisting to Brady he is covering the bill. We thank him and make our way out of the restaurant, but when we get to the curb, I notice my mom isn’t with us. Turning around, I see her in the doorway talking with Tony. He raises her hand, kissing it before she graciously thanks him again.

  Brady drives us over to his house and we sit in the living room having coffee while we talk. Jessa disappears up to Rob’s room and I don’t see her for the rest of the night. When everyone grows tired, my mom and grandma go back to their hotel and Brady and I make our way up to his room. He makes me promise again that when he wakes up, I will be there. I agree without hesitation. I change into his t-shirt, snuggling into his arms. For once in my life, everything seems to be on track. I might not have my dad, but if I’m honest with myself, he has never been a major part of life. I have Brady, my mom, my grandma, and Jessa.

  Chapter 27

  I don’t know why I haven’t agreed to move in with Brady since I practically live here. I am rarely at the dorms, which means I haven’t run into Vince lately. Brady and I went to visit him after my mom left that Sunday, but since then, Brady has gone by himself. He also took me to his sister’s for dinner, which was nice and relaxing. Her husband and children were welcoming and friendly, just like her. Brady and Maura are very similar in their joking, carefree personalities.

  My mom called last night from my grandma’s. My dad has already hired his lawyer to fight my mom for everything they have. She tries to keep it from me, but my grandma fills me in. My dad hasn’t tried to contact me since the night I left the house and I prefer it that way.

  I worry because Brady has had to go out a couple nights to pick Vince up from the police station. The situation seems to be getting worse, which is making Brady more reserved and quiet. Vince is fortunate that he was such a distinguished professor at the university, where they do everything they can to help Brady and Maura handle the situation. Brady usually picks Vince up, and then takes him to a friend’s house to sleep it off. Vince is adamant that he won’t come back to the house. I see the toll it is taking on Brady and he is starting to pull away. His body slumps every time his phone rings, fearing the worst. He has started having nightmares and talking in his sleep. Usually they are just mumbles that I don’t understand, but last night he called out ‘Dad’ in a panic. I quickly woke him up and he instantly wrapped his arms around me tight, burying his head in the crook of my neck. He didn’t say anything, just held me close until he fell back asleep.

  Brady and Maura talk a couple times a day to discuss the situation and what they should do. I often find Brady in the studio, strumming his guitar and singing quietly. Tonight is one of those nights. It’s three in the morning and I woke up without Brady, which has been the norm recently. When I open the door to the basement, I see the lights on so I venture downstairs.

  Staring through the glass, I admire Brady playing his music. I sometimes wonder why he isn’t pursuing a career in that since it seems to calm him. In pajama pants and no shirt with his guitar resting in his lap, the burn of having him inside of me grows. He looks up, notices me, and waves me into the room.

  “You should be sleeping, beautiful,” he says, continuing to strum a few chords.

  “So should you.” I make my way over to him.

  He shrugs his shoulders.

  “Talk to me,” I request and he opens his arms, moving me between him and the guitar.

  “How about I teach you?” He changes the subject and places my hands on the guitar.

  “Brady,” I sigh, letting him place his hands over mine.

  “Press this string and strum with this hand,” he instructs, ignoring my pleas to talk.

  After a few chords, Brady starts to kiss the back of my neck and I feel his hard bulge on my back. I tip my head back, enjoying his lips and tongue on me. In turn, Brady props his guitar against the wall and his hands instantly plant themselves on each one of my breasts, massaging them. My hands rest on his firm thighs and I push my ass into his crotch, feeling his erection.

  I continue to circle my hips while his hands roam up my tank top and pinch my nipples. I moan in bliss as Brady stands up, pushing me against the window. He slowly runs his hand down my back and then pulls my boxers down around my ankles.

  When I try to step out of them, he says, “No baby, just like this.” He pulls my tank up, exposing my breasts. Then he lifts my arms, pressing my palms against the glass. I stand there with my back to him, sprawled across the glass panel with my shorts around my ankles and my shirt scrunched up around my neck.

  “So fucking hot,” he whispers in my ear.

  I have never seen this side of Brady, but I’m immensely enjoying it. I can feel how aroused I already am and I need him inside of me.

  “I’m going to fuck you just like this, Sadie,” he states and I wait in anticipation.

  “Please, Brady,” I plea.

  He starts kissing my shoulder blades, making his way down my backside before coming back up. Placing his hands on my hips, he pulls me back into him. I feel his cock at my entrance and I relish the moment.

  “Ready, baby?” he asks.

  “Yes,” I desperately answer.

  Before I can prepare myself, he is inside of me, thrusting into me deeper with every push. He’s never been rough like this, so I’m surprised what an arousing effect it has on me.

  “You feel so fucking good,” he breathlessly speaks into my ear.

  I moan as my body gets smashed against the glass and Brady reaches around, playing with my clit as I scream his name and roll over the edge. A second later, Brady pumps into me twice before he grabs my hips, holding them in place.

  “Fuck, Sadie,” he shouts, stilling inside of me. Then he picks me up so I’m straddling him and throws our clothes in between our bodies. “Now I want you in my bed,” he whispers, kissing my lips.

  His lips remain on mine while he carries me up the two flights of stairs. He places me in his bed, positioning me on top of him while his fingers flow through my hair. “I didn’t hurt you, did I?” his shaky voice asks.

  “No, of course not,” I answer and turn my head up to him as he cups my cheek with his hand.

  “Good. You know how much I love you.” There are tears in his eyes.

  “And I love you.” I smile up to him. I know what he is doing, I did it myself. If sex makes him forget, I will happily oblige, but eventually I will have to find a healthy way to help him deal with his dad.

  I jolt awake with Brady’s body shifting under me. I glance at his clock and see it’s only been an hour since we fell asleep. “Shit! I’m on my way,” Brady says into the phone and climbs out of bed. I sit up, refusing to take a back seat any longer. He didn’t when it came to my issues and I won’t when it comes to his.

  “Let me get dressed,” I say, swinging my legs over the bed, ready to get out when he steps toward me.

  “No, Sadie, I’ll be right back.” He keeps his hand on my shoulder, keeping me on the bed but I stand up.

  “It’s not a choice, Brady, I’m coming.” I get up from the bed and grab my yoga pants and sweatshirt.

  “You don’t need to see this,” he says, running his fingers through his hair. “Please,” he begs.

  I walk over to him and place my hand in his. “They were your words, Brady. You said you would never let go, but I feel you slipping away. Every night you disappear and every night I find you downstairs. And every day when I wake up to your sad eyes, we slowly become more disconnected.” I lean in closer. “You have to let me in, Brady.”

  “It’s pathetic and sad, Sadie. He isn’t the man you know on these nights.” He puts his head down, staring at the ground.

  “Brady, what are you afraid of?” I question, bending down to meet his eyes.

  “That you can’t handle it…” he admits.

  “And what?” I pry.

  “You’ll leave,” he says, finally divulging the whole truth. I can work with this.

  “Did you leave m
e?” I ask him back and he shakes his head. “No, and I’m not going to leave you,” I tell him. I grab his hand, “Let’s go.” I lead us out of the room.

  Brady doesn’t say anything on our way out to the car but keeps my hand in his.

  We pull up to the police station and an officer walks up to the car before we can even get out, informing Brady that they had to send Vince to the hospital for what they believe is alcohol poisoning. On the drive to the hospital, Brady calls Maura to let her know and she says she is on her way.

  He parks in the visitor parking and I entwine our fingers as we walk into the emergency room entrance. I give him a squeeze right before the sliding doors open and he looks over at me. Fear fills his eyes and I hope he will let me in.

  Brady walks up to the nurse’s station, giving his name and she tells him to take a seat and someone will be out. We sit in the plastic chairs, not paying attention to the infomercial on the television. Brady impatiently shakes his leg while groans flow out of his mouth. Clearly, he doesn’t want to be here and I can’t help but think maybe my presence is making this worse. He hasn’t even glanced my way since we walked into the hospital.

  Finally, a nurse comes in, calling Brady’s name. Brady stands up and then turns to me, “Just please stay here? At least until I can see what is going on.” Seeing the anguish in his eyes, I nod my head and sit back down, watching him walk out of the room.

  I try to distract myself by flipping through magazines or watching an infomercial about some skin care regime. I’m thankful when Maura comes into the room.

  “Oh Sadie, I’m glad he brought you,” she says, obviously out of breath from rushing here.

  “I didn’t really give him a choice,” I comment and she embraces me.

  “He’s lucky to have you. He won’t take to you witnessing this easily so just remember, he loves you,” she warns me and I can’t help thinking that she’s the second person close to him that has told me this.

  “I don’t plan on leaving,” I assure her and she smiles my way, taking my hands in hers.

  “I knew I liked you that day in spin.” She turns around and makes her way to the nurse’s station. After talking friendly with the nurses, she walks toward the rooms in the emergency area.

  I sit back down, waiting for some news. About fifteen minutes later, Grant walks in and takes the seat next to me.

  “Any news?” he asks and I shake my head.

  “Who called you?” I question, noticing his clearly sleepy face. He’s wearing sweatpants and a sweatshirt, and a baseball cap covers what I assume is his bedhead.

  “Maura.” He takes his ball cap off, repositioning it. “I’m surprised to see you,” he states, still staring straight ahead.

  “Sorry to disappoint you,” I snap.

  “Oh Sadie, I just meant because of Brady. I didn’t mean…”

  “I’m sorry, Grant, I’m just touchy. I know what you meant.” I place my hand on his knee when Brady walks into the room.

  “Am I interrupting something?” he asks, anger evident in his voice.

  “Of course not.” I stand up and walk toward him and Grant follows my lead.

  “It’s not good. Alcohol poisoning,” he says directly to Grant and he nods his head back. I guess they have been here before. “Can you take Sadie home?” he asks.

  “No, I’m not leaving,” I declare to him.

  “There isn’t a reason to be here, Sadie,” he says, releasing an exasperated breath.

  “I’m here for you, Brady.” I touch his arm in reassurance.

  “I don’t need you,” he bitterly responds and I quickly remove my arm. “That’s not what I meant…just go, Sadie.” He runs his hands through his hair.

  “No.” I stand there, not moving.

  “Sadie…” he trails off.

  “I’ll stay in the waiting room if you want, but I refuse to leave here without you,” I demand.

  “Fine,” he deadpans, clearly annoyed with this conversation. “Grant, can I have a word outside?” He motions with his head for him to follow. Brady doesn’t hug or kiss me before he leaves. This is a very different Brady than I have ever known, and for the first time, I wonder if we will get through this.

  “Sure,” Grant says, looking at me before exiting the room.

  Sitting down in the uncomfortable chairs, I feel the tears welling up behind my eyes but I will not let them fall. Be strong, for Brady, I tell myself over and over. Grant comes in a couple minutes later and sits down in his previous seat. I don’t ask what Brady was talking to him about and Grant doesn’t divulge it either. The uneasy silence between us fills the empty room until Kara walks in. What the hell?

  “Oh Grant, I came as soon as John told me.” She rushes in, taking the seat next to him.

  My eyes glare toward her and then to Grant. This little threesome of theirs is starting to piss me off.

  “You didn’t need to come, Kara. You know he won’t want you here.” Grant continues to thumb through a sports magazine.

  “She’s here,” she spats, nodding her head in my direction.

  “I’m his girlfriend,” I leer and put my magazine down on the table.

  “Only because you slid your way in past me,” she continues, positioning her body to face me completely.

  “There was no sliding, Kara. You need to get over it.” I lean back in my chair and cross my legs, picking up my magazine again.

  “Girls, let’s remember why we are here,” Grant chimes in and Kara turns her back to both of us, thumbing through her phone.

  She’s dressed in yoga pants and a sweatshirt and her hair is pulled up in a messy bun. Obviously, she just rolled out of bed and I wonder who John is, why he knew about Vince, and how often Kara has been here with Brady when I haven’t. The more questions that run through my mind, the angrier I’m becoming. I decide to go for a walk. Grant tries to come with me but I’m able to divert him.

  I make my way over to a vending machine and purchase a coffee. Although I usually take it black, I decide on cream and sugar, hoping it might camouflage the bad taste. Just as I start back down the hall, I spot Brady and Maura heading into the waiting room. By the time I get there, Kara is hanging on Brady and he isn’t pushing her away. The four of them abruptly stop talking and stare at me when I walk in the room. Suddenly, I feel like an outsider and maybe Brady was right, I should leave.

  “Hey, Sadie,” Maura says. She walks up to me and puts her arm around my shoulders, bringing me into the group.

  “How’s everything?” I ask, my voice shaky and unnerved by what I just witnessed.

  “It will be just fine,” Maura assures me, and Brady continues looking at the ground while Kara still has her arm hooked through his. In all our time together, Brady has never made me feel so out of place. He has always assured people he was with me, but if a stranger walked into this room right now, they would think Kara was his girlfriend. “Brady and I are going to stay for the night. We were thinking Grant could take you home.” She looks at me when she says it, and I think about how, just a few hours ago she told me I should stay and not leave Brady’s side.

  “Um…” I look at Brady, who continues to look anywhere but my direction. “Alright,” I agree and his eyes finally land on me. I glance at Kara’s arm and then back to his eyes, making sure he knows I see what is happening. He quickly releases her arm, as though he didn’t know it was there and walks toward me.

  “Can I talk to you first?” he asks.

  “It’s fine, Brady…we should get going.” I look at Grant, who digs his keys out of his pocket. “I’m sorry.” I kiss his cheek before walking away.

  “I’ll call you in a bit,” he says.

  “Okay,” I respond and walk out the doors. When I get on the other side, the tears start escaping and I can’t stop them. I brace myself against the wall to quickly try to swipe them away before Grant comes out. I swore I was going to fight for him, but he just won’t let me. I thought Maura was on my side, but she was the one who sugge
sted I leave. And here I am leaving and that bitch Kara is still in there.

  “Ready?” Grant asks, relieving me from my thoughts.

  “Sure,” I say and start walking down the hall.

  “It’s not you, Sadie, it’s just Brady. He can’t let people in.”

  “Obviously not everyone,” I spat.

  “Believe me…he doesn’t want her there either. It’s just that she won’t leave. I think he has just grown used to her being there since she has always weaseled her way in.” The sliding doors open and the cold air hits my face, the tears now chilled against my cheeks.

  I don’t know what to say so I remain silent, but the tears keep coming. Grant has been kind enough to ignore my sniffles. I instruct him to take me to the dorm instead of Brady’s house. The streets are dark and empty, void of any college students. Grant walks me to my door, and I thank him. He has tried to give Brady the benefit of the doubt the whole ride over. I appreciate his attempt but right now, I just need some time to myself.

  Jessa is asleep when I enter the room, so I tiptoe into my bed. No need to change into pajamas since I’m already wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt. The smell of Brady, embedded into his shirt, fills my nostrils as I lie in bed awake. I check my phone, nothing.

  I replay everything that’s happened throughout the last few weeks. The longer I lie there, the farther away I feel from him. I put my ear buds in, listening to The Invisibles album he put on there for me. The slow songs that I thought were about a special girl in his life that broke his heart start playing. They all hold the common theme of someone being lost, alone, and walking away.

  I bolt up in bed, almost hitting my head on the ceiling. I rush down my steps, throwing my shoes back on. Jessa’s keys are sitting on the dresser so I jot down a quick note and grab them.