by Liz Long
“If you make someone’s feelings stronger, what happens?” I asked.
“We emphasize the emotions already there. That’s a lot harder to do. Any gift requires lot of energy, obviously, but if I gave you more focus on your emotion, it would drain me. Since I’m a fairly selfish person, it’s not something I offer to do for a lot of people.” He gave a small laugh that sounded anything but humorous.
“What’s one of the worst examples?” I blurted out the question before I could stop myself.
For a moment, I didn’t know if he’d tell me. He paused but then said, “A man found his wife in bed with me. His wife already hated him and didn’t feel guilty about a thing. He was furious, broke everything in the place and threw things off the hotel balcony. I accidentally turned his rage into sadness, self-blame. I honestly didn’t mean for it to happen, but he jumped off the twelfth story balcony.”
He grew quiet and I tried to keep my jaw off the floor. Gabriel had said he did terrible things, but he didn’t sound too regretful about it, even had a slight smile on his face. I left it alone.
I looked around again at the intimate setting. The lights danced on Gabriel’s face and hair. Stubble shadowed his strong jaw. His clear blue eyes met mine and my heartbeat sped up. What the hell was wrong with me? I shook it off and thought of Keegan instead.
“Wanna go for a walk?” Gabriel asked.
“Why not?”
We walked out of the Big Top and headed in no particular direction I could tell. Neither of us said anything for a couple of minutes. I wanted to confess something and opened my mouth before I could change my mind.
“I’ve been thinking…” I trailed off, unsure if I wanted to reveal what had gnawed at me all day.
Gabriel waited, one eyebrow raised with curiosity. When I still didn’t respond, he got impatient. “You’ve been thinking what?”
“Well, my dad and Sheffield were really good friends, for years. And now I find out Sheffield might be some sort of Godfather of ringmasters, so I have to wonder if…well, you get the idea. I don’t even want to say it.”
“You think your pop was a hired gun?” he asked. I winced at his bluntness.
“The fact that it makes even a little sense is worrisome. He was powerful. Sheffield has always gone on about how talented my dad is; what if he was some kind of circus assassin?”
Gabriel burst out laughing. “I don’t think that’s what people call it, Lucy. You might be jumping to conclusions.”
“I don’t know,” I said. I thought about it some more. “To the rest of the world he was an insurance salesman, but he still kept his hand in show business. He’d go away for a couple days a month to train someone or clean up a mess. I thought my mom let him so he could still be a part of it.”
“Sounds like he cleaned up more than just horse shit,” Gabriel snickered. I shot him a look; he bit back a grin. “Sorry.”
“For a couple years after we left, we trained every day we could. He talked about all these gifted people he knew, the stories of drama off stage. Then one day, out of the blue, like I said before, lockdown. He forbid any more fire tricks, said it was dangerous and I needed to stick to controlling my emotions around humans. He didn’t want me to return to the show, ever, but he never attempted to tell me any specifics about what happened. The other Firestarters told me they never spent much time with him.”
“If he was doing that at all,” he reminded me. “You don’t know for sure. Just because he consulted with Sheffield doesn’t mean he’s a murderer.”
“I guess. But it doesn’t look too innocent, either.”
“Even if that’s the case, what are you going to do about it?”
“I hadn’t really gotten that far.”
“I don’t think you should. You shouldn’t be involved with Sheffield more than you have to be. Just keep it professional.”
“What do you care?” The seriousness in his voice took me by surprise.
“Because you shouldn’t get caught in the middle. You might get hurt. He might ask you to be like your dad in some capacity. I think I know you well enough to say you’d jump in headfirst.”
“Gabriel, if my father was secretly an assassin for a circus ringmaster De Niro, then I’m already in deep shit. My being here is enough—Sheffield is giving me an act. He’s going to make it so that I can’t, or won’t, want to leave. I’ve already agreed. This could be the first step in my contract.”
“He gave you an act?”
“Well, I had to start training the day I got here. But he saw what I did the other night with the house and everything else. He told me I’m more talented than he originally thought.”
“What did Batman and Robin say when you told them you get to do your own act while they both ride the inside of a tiny ball?”
“I haven’t told anyone yet. Please keep that to yourself,” I whispered. Whoops. I hadn’t meant to tell anyone about the act. Damn my big mouth.
“You didn’t tell Keegan?” His lips curled up in a smile.
“I didn’t really mean to tell you. I didn’t want anyone knowing. Don’t think I was divulging some secret to only you.”
“That’s fine. It’s just funny how you can tell me the truth even by accident.”
“Stop being an asshole. Don’t tell anyone.”
“Or what? You’ll set me on fire?”
“I think one day I might, just for fun. Maybe then you’ll change your attitude.”
Gabriel grabbed my shoulders and we stopped walking. He put his hands on my face and I looked up at him, surprised. Then he kissed me, and I had to make a conscious effort not to catch fire. All I knew was Gabriel. His fingers were entwined in my hair, his lips pressed intensely on mine. It couldn’t be helped; I let go of my thought process and kissed him back.
Everything else blurred, noise faded into the background, and I melted into him. His arm enveloped my waist while his free hand settled on the back of my neck to pull me in closer to him. My hands touched the sandpapery stubble on his face and combed through his thick blonde hair. I felt lighter than I had in years. Heat flooded through my body. He gave a little sigh as I leaned into him.
Then I realized what the hell I was doing. I pushed him off me, straightened my clothes and hair. What were we doing? And wow…that was a moment I don’t think I could ever forget. My body hummed as I tried to keep my temperature in check. How embarrassing would it be to catch him on fire by sheer lust? I felt dizzy, though to be fair, Gabriel had just made my entire world spin.
I looked up at him, completely speechless. Where did that even come from? I was surprised, suspicious, definitely turned on…and now worried. Gabriel had thrown one more problem into my currently crazed existence.
“That was…” he started in a low voice. His eyes searched my face, grazed over my lips and back to my eyes.
“Unnecessary,” I tried to finish. “What was that?”
“You didn’t really protest.”
“Well, no, I won’t lie to you, that was pretty fantastic, but completely out of nowhere.” At least I would be honest with him in that regard. It was a damn good kiss.
“Just wanted to change my attitude.” He smiled a little. “Lucy, I’ve been thinking—” he tried to say, but I couldn’t let him go anywhere near that sentence.
“I gotta go. I’ll see you tomorrow. I…well, yeah, see you,” I stammered. I immediately turned and walked away. It didn’t matter to where, as long as it wasn’t here.
Chapter 20
The next day, I did everything I could to avoid Gabriel. Since we had to prep for the show, it wasn’t too difficult. There was only one time at lunch when he saw me and I quickly attached myself to a departing Fin and talked with him on my way out. Despite my best efforts, I finally got caught.
I was making sure Bianca had props together before her act when he spotted me. I handed her a Frisbee when Gabriel walked into the staging entrance and gave a hard look around the room. He saw me and marched over.
“He looks intense. Glad I’m about to perform,” Bianca muttered to me. She whistled at Henry and they trotted off into the spotlight. I could hear kids squeal at an animal they could relate to in everyday life and the crowd applauded.
“Can we talk for a second?” he said in a low voice as he reached me.
“I’m busy, Gabriel. We’re right in the middle of the show.”
I tried to walk around him but he stood his ground.
“Lucy, seriously, you’re being really fucking annoying right now. I kissed you and I’m sure as hell not sorry about it. Let’s talk about it.”
“There’s nothing to say! I know better than to get involved with you.”
“You mean you want to run as fast as you can in the other direction because you’re chicken. This isn’t about me. This is about your own insecurities.”
“Boy, you know how to charm a girl.”
“I promised I wouldn’t read into your emotions and I’ll hold to it. But I cannot tell you how much easier this would be if I had some idea. You’re just scared!”
“All right, knock it off with the insults. What do you want me to say, Gabriel? That we should jump into a relationship because you kissed me? We’ve only been here for a couple weeks and barely know each other.”
“I know enough,” he interrupted. “You might be the only person I’ve ever truly enjoyed being around. You know how many times I’ve sat on a front step and just talked with someone? In only a couple weeks, you already know more about me than anyone else. Ever. It’s actually a little scary. There’s something between us. I think you should stop spending so much time with Wonder Boy and spend it with me instead. End monologue.”
My poker face was blown; I never expected Gabriel to say anything like that. I had no idea how to respond. It wasn’t only that I could get hurt; there were other people who could get hurt, too, like Keegan or friends that got caught in the middle. A relationship on top of everything else like oh, I don’t know, murder and mayhem, stressed me out. I didn’t want to face any of it.
“Boy. Never pegged you for the type to spill your guts like that.”
“Knock it off. I’m already past that wall of sarcasm, thank you.”
I sighed. “Gabriel, I don’t…there’s so much going on. I don’t know if it would be a good idea to get involved with anyone…”
“You mean with me.” It was a flat, cold statement and his blue eyes clouded over.
“No, I mean with anyone. You know how crazy things are; not only am I the new girl out to prove myself, but then there’s the whole murder suspect problem.”
“And what would the answer be should Keegan be standing here instead of me?”
“That’s not fair, Gabriel. I barely know him, either. I need time. You’re trying to make me choose something that needs consideration, if it’s even on the table at all.”
“Either you want to be with me or you don’t, Lucy.”
“It’s not that black and white.”
He sighed, paused for a moment before speaking again. “I shouldn’t feel this way and it’s probably a bad idea. I’m willing to try anyway.”
Despite my own protests, my curiosity won out. “Why is it a bad idea?”
“It’s hard to explain. All I can say is I have a right to know if you feel anything for me…if you would even give me a chance to try.”
“I can’t talk about this right now. I have to go help Bianca.”
“Is that the answer you’re always going to give me? An excuse?” He crossed his arms over his chest and glared at me.
I shrugged helplessly. “I don’t know what to tell you, Gabriel. I gotta run.”
I ran to the sidelines to help Bianca get her hula-hoops offstage. My hands shook and I knew my red face betrayed my calm demeanor. I turned back and saw Gabriel; I couldn’t read his face as he pulled out a cigarette. He lit it, took a drag, and gave me one of those long looks he liked to do, then turned and walked away.
“What did he want?” Bianca asked.
“Nothing,” I replied. “Just business.”
Chapter 21
After the show, I hid in my camper for a while. I thought about what Gabriel had said, ran my mind over it a thousand times. While I’d never admit it out loud to him, he was right. I was scared. I talked all the time about seeing the best in people and taking chances and I couldn’t even commit to a dinner date. I decided to go to his camper after the show was over and try to explain myself better.
As I stepped out of my trailer and headed towards Gabriel’s, thoughts whirred through my head. Gabriel drove me nuts, but as Delia had said, wasn’t that how relationships on a playground worked? I felt I could trust him and the fact he put himself out there really meant a lot. He didn’t seem the type to ever do that. I owed him an explanation, even though I had no idea what I would say. I did feel something for him; I suspected I had ever since he’d opened up to me and shared his past. I didn’t know what I wanted anymore but I had psyched myself up by the time I reached his camper.
“Gabriel, can I come in?” I knocked on his front door, eager to talk to him. It was silly, but now I was almost excited to see where things could go for us.
“Lucy? Uh, just a minute. I’ll be right out,” I heard him say.
He sounded weird. What was he doing? I put my ear to do the door and heard bumps and thuds. Then I heard the clink of a belt buckle. Finally, a shuffle came near the door and it opened. Gabriel’s head popped out—his hair stuck out everywhere and he looked surprised to see me. I grimaced—maybe I had caught him touching himself or something.
“I didn’t expect you’d be by,” he said.
“Well, I came by to apologize for earlier. I’m sorry for bolting like that. I’m so stupid—I shouldn’t have simply shut you out. I want to have an adult talk.”
He slipped outside and shut the door behind him. His shirt was disheveled, the buttons mismatched, and he was barefoot. He crossed his arms and gave me a cold look.
“Were you jumping in the shower or something?” I asked him.
“What? No. Uh—what kind of adult talk?”
“I made it weird. I shouldn’t have done that. You were honest with me about what you’ve been through and wanted to know a secret about me, one that no one else would know. So I thought I’d tell you one of mine, one of the reasons I froze earlier today when you tried to make me face reality.”
His face softened. He opened his mouth to speak but I shook my head at him and continued.
“My whole life is a mess—my mom just died, my supposedly heroic dad might have been some circus mafia guy, and I’m being accused of murdering one of our own. Never mind that when I think about that night we were attacked, I struggle not to vomit. I’m having a really hard time and you have no idea how hard it is for me to tell you any of this. I don’t know what to do and as easy as it would be with Keegan, I have feelings for you, too.”
I practically ate my words I spoke so fast. I wasn’t even sure if he heard that last sentence. His eyes got dark and he had this look on his face, like he was about to be sick.
Something was wrong.
Then on cue, as though God himself wanted to intervene and knock some smarts into me, the door to Gabriel’s camper opened and out walked a tall, very attractive brunette. I almost died.
“Had fun. Call me next week if you’re still in town; my number’s on your table,” she purred. She touched his cheek and walked past me without so much as a glance. He just stood there, looked at me with that horrified expression.
My head dropped and I couldn’t bear to meet his eyes. Where was Renata the Earthshaker to open up the ground to swallow me whole? There was nothing I could do but react.
“I better go,” I said, barely looking up at him. When I caught a glimpse of his face, I had never seen anyone so pale.
“Lucy—,” he started, but I couldn’t stand here and listen, not when I had made myself look like a complete fool. I might catch fire if I didn’t run away right
that second.
“No, it’s fine. We’re all adults here and you are free to do to whatever, or in your case, whomever, you please. I need to leave.” In my head I sounded like a robot. Sarcasm and anger bubbled in my throat. My palms burned; I had moments before they flamed. I’d never opened up like that and the rejection was overwhelming.
“Please, let me explain—” he tried again.
“Really, it’s fine. I was crazy to even say anything. I mean I’m sort of already seeing someone and you’re, well, busy so I’m gonna go and I’ll see you around. I was stupid to think anything about it.”
I knew he could see the fire in my shaking hand; if I didn’t go, it would be only minutes before my self-torture consumed me into a giant, angry fireball. I turned around and walked away as fast as possible.
Instead of my trailer, where Gabriel was sure to try first if he followed me, I ran to my car. He could look there, but it might take him a minute to figure it out. I could always drive away if I saw him coming over.
I found my small car and quickly got in. I locked the door and took a few deep breaths. My entire body shook as I tried to keep my emotions in check, struggled to keep flames from consuming me. Never had I put myself out there like that and gotten so burned. My pride absolutely smashed, my stomach in knots, I couldn’t remember a time I’d been so mad at myself. I shouldn’t have put myself out there.
And I couldn’t believe that jackass had gone and bedded someone before I’d barely had time to consider the situation. My fist hit the steering wheel in a vicious jab.
My thoughts were too scattered to focus. I breathed deep twice more. I could not have a panic attack over a boy. Get real—now it was time for damage control.
“Get your shit together, Lucy. You, like a fool, put yourself out there and it backfired. It happens. Prioritize—you’ve got bigger problems. Time to get a strategy together,” I muttered.
