After summer school was over, I didn’t go home. This time it had nothing to do with a punishment either. Mother was going to be in Texas or someplace and Mrs. Howe could only take care of the twins, so Chris and I had to stay at school. At first it wasn’t so bad because there were some faculty members who stayed to finish up paperwork and grades and a few of the scholarship students remained to close up the buildings. Then, in a week or so, there was no one but Chris and myself and one or two teachers who lived on campus. Day after day we tried to amuse ourselves by ourselves. We walked the quarter mile down to the swimming pool but the walk back up soon got to be a drag. I went up and rode one of the school horses a couple times a week, but riding by myself wasn’t very much fun after a while and Chris didn’t like riding. We’d hang out around the kitchen and talk to John, the cook, but that couldn’t last forever either. Eventually, I just sat in my room and listened to the radio and day dreamed about growing up and getting free. Mother didn’t write or call us. At least it was peaceful but it was very boring. I was just thirteen and longed to be out at the beach with the other kids.
About five weeks went by like that and then I got an unexpected reprise. My old roommate, Delores, lived in Long Beach and she’d asked me to spend a week with her. It sounded like absolute heaven and I was sure I wouldn’t be allowed to go. But I did ask Mrs. Chadwick and a few days later she told me it would be all right. I couldn’t believe my good fortune. Delores and her mother came up to get me and off we went. In fact, I was astonished because mother didn’t even know these people. All I could figure was that Mrs. Chadwick must have vouched for them and caught mother in a good mood.
That week was the most fun I’d ever had. It was like a dream come true. Dolores lived within walking distance of the beach and that’s where we went every morning around eleven. Her mother wasn’t strict at all and we were pretty much free to do as we wished as long as we told her where we were going and when we’d be back. Dolores was a year or so older than I and she didn’t have to be home until midnight. I thought I was in paradise!
The first day we went to the beach I was so shy around her friends that I was sure she was going to take me back to school immediately. For me it was like something out of a movie and I couldn’t quite adjust. The girls were cute and very friendly. We all congregated in exactly the same spot each morning to wait for the inevitable parade of guys. I’d never done anything like this so I watched the other girls and caught on quickly. Several of the girls had steady boyfriends which meant they automatically had dates each night. The rest of us had to catch what we could during the day at the beach or be left out of the fun at night. It was okay to be with a group of girls on the beach, but since only a couple of the girls were old enough to drive and had cars, it was impossible to do much without a date at night. Therefore … you had to work fast. It wasn’t that there weren’t enough guys, there were, but some of them you wouldn’t want to be stuck with unless everything else failed. The competition looked casual but it was invisibly fierce.
I soon discovered that I was the youngest in the group by about two years. I also discovered that most of the guys were older than me by about three or four years.
I didn’t do too badly the first day and managed to get a date with a guy that wasn’t a total geek. Dolores and I double dated and the guys took us to the local drive in. I tried to be cool and not let on that I’d never done this before. The drive in was the place in town for kids. Getting a place at the drive in was a matter of status. There were “best” places and “out of it” places and then there were the guys without dates that cruised in their modified cars with the illegal mufflers that made a deafening roar when they gunned the engine. My eyes were like saucers but fortunately it was darker in the back seat and I managed not to make a total fool out of myself. Dolores liked her date. I had a hard time remembering my date’s name. After the drive-in we drove somewhere to park. Now I was really in a panic. I didn’t want to neck with this total stranger but I also didn’t want word to get around that I was a terrible date. So after a few half-hearted mushy kisses I whispered that I didn’t feel very well and asked if we could go for a walk on the beach. I don’t think he wanted to sit in the back seat and neck either because he was very quick to agree. We held hands and walked along the beach having quite a nice time. He was a pleasant sort but nothing that set your heart pounding. I think he felt the same about me. It was kind of dumb to have to sit there in the back seat if you didn’t want to be there and we both laughed about that. We talked about schools and about the summer and the time passed easily. Finally we figured it was about time to go back and we were right; it was about ten minutes to twelve and we just barely had time to get home.
The second day on the beach I was more relaxed and had a really good time. That afternoon Dolores said that a guy she really liked and had been out with a couple times was going to stop by the beach. He worked and didn’t get off till four, so that’s why I hadn’t met him yet. I didn’t think any more about it until he showed up. I’d heard a car drive by and Dolores perked up. I looked in the direction she was watching and saw a guy get out of the car. He was quite tall and looked a little older than the rest. Someone was talking to me and I turned to finish the conversation. A moment or so later, Dolores said, “Hi Don” and I turned to see the new guy close up.
It was a good thing I was already sitting down because otherwise my knees would have buckled under. There, no more than three feet away from me was undoubtedly the best looking guy I’d ever seen. Dolores introduced me and I simply stared at him. When I managed a smile I thought it must look like the most foolish grin anyone ever saw. I tried to keep from blushing but I couldn’t manage to say anything more profound than “Hi”. The two of them chatted intimately and I wondered what I was going to do with myself now. What if they suggest a double date tonight? What’ll I do then?
That’s exactly what happened. Don and Dolores were going to a beach party and he had a friend and we’d all four double date. “Oh, that’ll be nice”, I said very weakly. After those arrangements were settled, Don left. Dolores went on about how neat he was and what a good time we were going to have.
I’d never been to a beach party either. I was beginning to feel like Rip Van Winkle waking up in an unfamiliar world. These were all contemporaries, but I’d never been allowed to be a part of the teenage world they all took for granted.
At eight Don and his friend came to the house to pick us up. Dolores wasn’t quite ready when the doorbell rang so I had to get the door. As I opened the door and saw him standing there I nearly fainted. He was about six foot four, had blond hair and a deep tan. He dressed very casually and his shirt was open nearly to the waist. He was the absolute dream of every girl my age who ever went near a beach. “Hi”, I said, and held the door wide open.
You dunce, I thought to myself. For someone with such a big mouth, so far you’ve managed two simpering “hi’s” and that’s all. I was determined to get a hold of myself. Not that I thought he’d ever be interested in me, but I didn’t want to look like a total fool. He and Dolores’ mother got along very well and mercifully he talked to her for a while.
The beach party was absolutely terrific. There were lots of kids there and a big bonfire. There were plenty of hot dogs and beer and radios, so there was music for dancing. I didn’t like the taste of beer very much but I took a can just to join the rest.
At some point when Dolores left for a few minutes, Don asked me to dance. We were all barefoot and the sand was fairly soft so it was impossible to really dance. It was more holding and swaying than dancing. I was thrilled. We walked away from the fire into the semi-darkness. He put his arm around me drawing me close. Then there was just the music, the sound of the ocean and the feeling of his body swaying next to mine. I thought I was going to faint.
We only danced for a few minutes before Dolores came back. I had already made up my mind that I was going to find a way to go out with him. I didn’t know how I was go
ing to arrange it, particularly since I was staying with Dolores, but I was going to find a way.
Fortunately, I didn’t have to do anything. He and Dolores had a fight going home that night and broke up.
The next day Dolores didn’t want to go to the beach, so I went by myself. She wasn’t in a very good mood and I couldn’t blame her. Sure enough, about four o’clock Don arrived. My heart was in my throat as he ambled toward me with a grin on his face. “I wondered if you’d be here”, he said. I could see that a couple of the girls were sort of shocked, but I really didn’t care a bit.
Don and I talked for a few minutes and then he wanted to take a walk. I walked beside him, having to skip along just to keep up. He asked me if I had a date for tonight. I said no. He grinned again and said, “Now you do!” He had also devised a rather ingenious plan so that he wouldn’t have to show up at the house to pick me up. I should go back now and change my clothes. His friend from last night would pick me up about six. That way we wouldn’t have to upset anyone and it would look okay. Off I went, happy as could be. First of all, I couldn’t believe that all this was really happening. I had never had particularly good luck with getting boyfriends. It always seemed that the ones I liked never liked me. I had never been one of the “popular” girls at school, always waiting till the last minute for someone to ask me to a dance.
Now I had the chance of my life and even though I knew it might hurt Dolores, I had no intention of doing any differently.
I saw Don every day and every night for the rest of that week. He was surprised to learn that I was only thirteen. I was very surprised to find out that he was nineteen and going into the Air Force that fall, but we had a wonderful time. He was sweet and gentle with me. He made me feel like a little princess. He never took advantage of me. We never went to bed together.
He also had a great car. He’d done all the work on it himself. It was lowered and modified and had a big racing engine. It had a custom paint job and ‘skirts’ … he’d changed the gear shift on the steering column from the right hand side to the left hand side so he could steer and shift with one hand while keeping his right arm around a girl. I’d heard about cars like that but never seen one; I was impressed.
When I had to go back to school he came to see me a couple times a week and called me every day until Mrs. Chadwick found out. She put a stop to the visits, but we continued to write for months when he went into the Air Force. After a while we lost contact but I never forgot him. Ever.
Ninth grade had many of the privileges of high school but was more of a transition grade at Chadwick. I was back in the regular school dormitory after my year’s stay at Chadwick house.
CHAPTER 15
After the trauma of being without a studio contract for the first time in her entire Hollywood career, mother had made her first entirely independent movie called Sudden Fear.
Hollywood was in a state of enormous change during those few years. The major studios were loosing their monopolistic control over the film industry and over their stable of stars, producers, directors, and writers. While it is true that very few independent films ever found their way into national release or prominence, some of the most courageous and diligent filmmakers were beginning to find a measure of success.
It was no small feat that Sudden Fear was a good film and that mother received a third Academy Award nomination for her performance. An enormous amount of credit also has to go to David Miller, the director. He had a volatile and difficult cast to work with on a project that was risky to say the least. He also knew that he was not the first choice as a director. David became one of the “uncles”, which was not an unusual occurrence these days, but I always had a special affection for him. He had a pleasant sense of humor, maintained his own self respect and dealt with people in a very direct way.
After the picture finished filming, mother was again in the position of having to find another job. There were now no guarantees, no automatic paychecks, no studio to back her up.
In addition to reading mountains of scripts, the production lines were set up in the office and small dining room of our house. On weekends that I did come home from school there was plenty of work to be done. There were always a couple of the loyal fans who volunteered and five or six women would work all afternoon and into the evening addressing photomailers and stuffing envelopes. By Sunday night the stacks would be bundled and ready to be taken to the post office.
I started reading some of the scripts and short treatments that were sent to her. She would choose the most likely candidates to read by herself but in order to read everything, she enlisted my aid as well. After I’d finished a script or treatment, I’d tell her the plot, outline the characters in some detail and give my own personal opinion on whether or not it was a movie I’d like to see. Most of the scripts were pretty bad but I learned a great deal from analyzing them for her. Often when the trade papers had stacked up beyond her ability to pour through, I’d read the columns to her while she was having a massage or her hair and nails done on Sundays. At first the trade slang made no sense to me and I felt like it was some foreign language. Gradually, I understood and quite enjoyed the gossipy news ground out each weekday by studios and press agents.
Sometimes she’d ask me to re-read some item about someone she knew particularly well and she’d add a few choice remarks. She’d laugh sometimes about how far from the truth some of the items were and comment on how some performers were so crazy to get their name in the columns that they’d have their press agents scheme up the most ludicrous stories. Some of the things I read to her she said were just downright lies because she knew the real story or she’d also been at the party and seen the original incident first hand. It was an education in itself reading those columns and hearing her change the entire coloration of the printed story from her own personal storehouse of knowledge.
Mother made it her intensively serious business to keep extremely well informed about what was going on in town. I was amazed by the “skeletons” she found out about and did not hesitate to use when the moment suited her. She had an uncanny sense of how things worked in her special world and I always thought she’d have made a great spy. She never tired of the innuendo, the inference and put the pieces of the puzzle together in a masterful fashion.
There were two subjects, however, that she would never discuss. One was religion and the other was politics. Religion was a purely personal matter in her opinion, and a discussion of it caused too many hard feelings and arguments. Politics was totally off limits in her house because of the current McCarthy inquisition. She wanted nothing to do with political trouble and refused to acknowledge her party choices or even if she was going to vote. She was absolutely adamant on the subject to the extent that unless it had something to do with the film industry, she didn’t even allow any discussion of everyday current events or the news. She was pleased about meeting General Eisenhower and had her picture taken with him after he became president, but that was because he was a famous person, a president, rather than any political affiliation she might have had. We could watch political events on the TV news but she’d never discuss them with us. Many of her old friends lost their jobs and had their careers ruined because of McCarthy. The very mention of politics made her visibly uncomfortable. If anyone asked her opinion, she simply said she never discussed religion or politics and left it at that.
Chris and I were both at Chadwick now, but because he was four grades behind me in the elementary school, I didn’t see him that much during the week.
My class had grown over the last three years. There were now about twenty of us. I had matured considerably and grown to nearly my present height of five feet four inches.
Whether it was because I was growing so fast or because mother’s finances were feeling the strain of independence from the studios I don’t know, but clothes were becoming a serious problem again. Thank goodness I now had more than the two cotton dresses I was entombed in the year before, but the selection was
not large by any means. Chadwick continued to attract students from the Hollywood community and most of them were from very wealthy families. The girls were particularly fond of cashmere sweater sets and many of them nonchalantly chose from literally dozens of matched sets covering every color in the rainbow. At first I asked a couple of girls if I could borrow from them on special occasions, but that was embarrassing after a while, particularly since they knew who my mother was just as well as I knew who their mothers and fathers were. It didn’t make any sense to them that a famous movie star’s daughter entering high school didn’t have a decent selection of clothes. I did have some nice clothes, but mother made me keep them at home and wouldn’t let me bring them to school. That may have made some sense to her, but it was humiliating to me. I only went home four days a month at the most, the rest of my life was centered around school. She was always very particular about how I looked when I was with her where her friends would see me, but didn’t seem to give a damn what I looked like or how I felt the rest of the time.
She also didn’t seem to realize that I’d grown up a lot and the baby dresses she chose for me were totally inappropriate. I was never allowed to go into a store and choose my clothes for myself. She picked them out for me and she bought them. The worst part was that sometimes she said she didn’t have time to shop for me and the secretary or a fan like Betty would buy my things. Half the time I hated the style and the other half the clothes didn’t fit properly because I wasn’t there to try them on first. So, I’d get stuck with the ones that at least fit and inevitably they were the ones I hated the most.
Mommie Dearest Page 17
