At first I didn’t know how mother found out about my visit. Later on I put the pieces together and was totally dumb-founded by the complete stupidity with which Mrs. Chadwick continued to approach my situation. She had written a letter to my brother Chris, in response to his correspondence with her, and had told him about my visit! Mrs. Chadwick had no way of knowing before she mailed that letter that Chris would be expelled and the letter forwarded to the house at 426 North Bristol. However, through all the years she’d dealt with our family situation, I couldn’t believe she didn’t realize that to put my visit in writing where someone else could get hold of it was taking an enormous and unnecessary risk with my personal well-being. I couldn’t believe she could be so thoughtless. I knew in my heart that it wasn’t malicious on her part, but I was still shocked by her lack of forethought.
Mother was still in Jamaica when Mrs. Chadwick’s letter was forwarded to her. The shit hit the fan, all right.
Christina dear -
I’m shocked beyond belief that you would go to the Chadwicks’ -I forbid you ever to go there again or see them - if you do - I will not sent you to Carnegie or any where else - you lied to Sister Benigna - you lied to me, in a sense, by not telling me you had gone -
I see I cannot trust you any more than I ever could - all of your enthusiasm - your loving attention is surface and as false as ever - you pour it on only to get what you want, and if you think I haven’t recognized that all during our Christmas holiday - then you have another thought coming. Your Dad and I both saw it constantly and remarked on it. I really feel sorry for you - you are cheating yourself because you are so artificial - you will never be a warm real human being -
You promised if you could come home for Christmas I would see “a new you” you would prove to me you have changed - you haven’t changed one iota Tina - you are as artificial as all that make up you constantly wear - obviously I’m not the only one who thinks so - as Mrs. Chadwick’s letter tells you - all the compliments you received in New York were to make you happy - but you should have heard what people really said - about your temper - your too much make up - your sophisticated snobbish manners -
After you graduate I’ll have something planned for you till college opens - you are not bringing your qualities into our home again - I will not have the babies subjected to them - and don’t try to tell me you will change - because I won’t believe it
And mind you if you do see the Chadwicks I will find out - and I mean it -I will not send you to college if it happens -
Between you and Christopher I think I’ve had it -
Please return Mrs. Chadwick letter to 425 - as soon as you’ve read it
This handwritten letter had no signature. It just ended at the bottom of the last page.
Well, that was it. I’d made an error in judgment, to say the least. I thought things had changed and that no one would ever find out if I made a short side-trip to see Commander and Mrs. Chadwick. It never dawned on me in a million years that it would be Mrs. Chadwick herself who would blow the whistle on me.
Of course, I apologized to Sister Benigna and told her that I knew I’d been wrong for not telling her what I was up to, but I thought my reasons justified it. I knew mother would never have given me permission to visit the Chadwicks … she now hated them and said terrible things about them. But … I thought I could do something I wanted to do without hurting anyone else in the process. It sure didn’t turn out that way. The way it did turn out, I got hurt the most of everyone.
In reply to my letter attempting explanation and apology, mother sent this on April 3, 1956.
Christina dear,
Your letter of March 14th stated you went to the Chadwicks’, and I quote: “Whether or not you believe it, I felt guilty not getting your permission, but as I imagined you would not grant it, I made the decision and resolved to take the consequences.”
If you knew I wouldn’t grant permission, then you should have felt guilty, and you should have stayed at your own school.
You wrote, “You see, Mommie, our trip to Europe, provided so generously and lovingly by you and Daddy, was the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me, and I wanted to share this happiness with the people and the school that guided me through some hard years.” If you wanted to share the lovely, lovely trip that your Daddy and I gave you, you could have done it by writing the Chadwicks a letter. All you wanted to do was go there and show off, and this in your heart you know, Christina. Well, you showed off.
And what do you mean - you wanted to “share this happiness with the people who guided you through some hard years”? And where do I come in? I did a bit of guiding too - guiding and providing.
You wrote, “It seemed so little to give in return for what they gave me, and it was a simple as that.” And what do you give to me, Christina? Dishonesty, lies, going where you are not supposed to go without my permission - is that a real “giving”?
You wrote, “Unfortunately, my actions have caused unhappiness to you for which I’m truly sorry, because it must seem as though I’m very unappreciative for all you’ve given me.” It does, indeed, Christina. It does seem that you are extremely ungrateful.
You say you’re willing to take the consequences. The consequences are that you stay at your present school until it is time to go to college - as I told you in the letter I wrote to you while I was in Jamaica. And if you make one false move, you are not going to college. I told you that before, and I mean it. It is entirely up to you. I hope you enjoy the consequences.
Love
“Mommie”
P.S. I’m sending your black coat please wear it if you go out in the night air at the Prom -
Well, I’d really done it this time! I’d just handed her all the ammunition she wanted to use against me. Things were back to normal … she’d found something to punish me for again. My visit to the Chadwicks took place during the end of February and my punishment for that unthinkable crime lasted until September when I was sent off to college. That entire time I was under the threat of not being able to go to college at all if I made one false move. All my new-found privileges were removed, and I was confined to the school campus. I knew it had all been too good to last. I was dreadfully sorry that I’d actually contributed to my own downfall this time, but I still didn’t think what I’d done deserved seven months of retribution.
You’d never know how grim the situation had become again if you judged it solely by her handwritten thank-you note mailed April 4.
Christina darling -
Thank you so much for the lovely color photograph for my birthday - and for the lovely birthday card it was an enchanting one -
Thank you too for calling me on Easter it was good to hear from you -
I’m rushing to catch that train - your black dress was sent to you - have fun – Love
“Mommie”
I don’t know why … I can’t explain it … but I continued to send little gifts and cards and to call her on every holiday. Part of it was habit I guess … she was my mother … I didn’t know what else to do. I was totally dependent on her. I couldn’t do anything or go anywhere unless she and she alone allowed me to. That lesson I didn’t have to learn all over again, I knew it by heart. She held this tremendous power over my life. There was no one to intercede for me. There was no one to help me. Those little cards and gifts were attempted peace offerings, I guess. They were my attempts to soften the harshness of the conditions under which I had lived so many years now. I used to think that if mother would only love me, my whole life would be different. I tried every way I knew to show her that if she would just love me I’d be a good daughter. But she didn’t really know me anymore. I’d only seen her for two months out of the last two years! How could she know me … how could she know what I was really like, what I thought, what I felt. She didn’t know me … not really. She only knew these pieces of me and what she made up in her own mind about who she thought I was when I wasn’t even there to defend myself.
She listened to other people before she’d listen to me. She didn’t try to know me … she just criticized me and punished me for things that weren’t that big a deal in reality.
But there was no escaping it … I was tied to her. My future depended on her and I tried to do whatever I could not to make things any worse than they already were.
The first good news in months came when I received this letter on May 3. Carnegie had accepted me! I was totally overjoyed.
Tina dear,
I’m enclosing a letter that arrived today from Carnegie Tech. I know it will make you very happy.
I hope you had a lovely time at the May Day party. Let me know about it.
Cliquot, Camille and little Chiffon are all well and happy. They get along beautifully together. They are so adorable. Chiffon just hugs me around the neck when I pick her up - just like a real baby.
God bless. Write to me soon.
“Mommie”
The names referred to in this letter all belonged to dogs. They were the miniature French poodles mother had collected. That was what she really wanted … babies and dogs. They did just exactly what you wanted them to … they couldn’t talk back … they couldn’t think for themselves … they were totally dependent and totally loving. That was what she really wanted and that was why she got so pissed off at us. We were not dogs … we were not babies, even though she referred to my sisters as “the babies” until they were nine or ten years old.
School was nearly over now. There was only a month left until graduation and we were beginning to prepare for our final exams. All the other girls were very excited about graduation and their future plans. Most of them were glad high school was over and looking forward to being included in the beginning of adulthood. A number of girls were planning to get married, some were going to get jobs, only five of us were going on to college.
Walter, my boyfriend from Chadwick, was my date at the senior prom. I loved him dearly for making this effort for me. I didn’t know anyone else that I really wanted to see and I certainly didn’t want to accept a blind date for the evening. Walter was as wonderful to me as he had ever been when we were going steady. There was something about him that just made me feel secure and happy. He was doing very well at college and we spent most of the evening dancing and talking about what we were both planning to do with our lives. I told him about Carnegie and he wished me all luck. But that was Walter he was always kind and considerate. I’d told him about the visit to Chadwick and all the trouble it had gotten me into. He said he’d try to come and visit me during the summer. That was Walter … my perennial life-saver. I always seemed to be grateful to him. He could also make me laugh, which was more welcome than anything else he could have done that evening. He actually made the Prom a memorable and happy occasion for me.
I sent mother and daddy an anniversary card. Mother had been traveling all over the country on business trips with daddy, opening bottling plants and making public appearances for Pepsi-Cola. She dictated this thank-you note which was mailed from Los Angeles, May 17.
Christina darling,
Thank you, darling, for remembering our wedding anniversary, and for sending the lovely, lovely card to me.
I’m sure you have received by now the Carnegie Tech questionnaire that I sent to you. Be sure to fill it out as soon as possible, and send it back to me so that I can attach a check to it and sent it to Carnegie Tech. Send it to me at: 426 N. Bristol Ave., darling, because I’ll be home in a few days.
I’m delighted that the May Day Festival went so well.
My love to you always, and I’ll be talking to you soon.
As ever,
“Mommie”
I was constantly praying that nothing would happen to me before I got out of here and off to college. Her letters were so sweet and so filled with “darlings” that I sometimes wondered about my own sanity and judgment. Of course, during all this time I was still being punished. I was still not allowed to leave the school. I was still not allowed to go home on weekends. But, you never would have guessed that from the “darling” letters.
My friend Gay was having a huge graduation party. Her parents, the Irvines, had invited every girl in the senior class and their parents. The parents of the girls from Central and South America were traveling thousands of miles to see their daughters graduate. They were all invited to Gay’s party and they had all accepted.
I had written to ask permission to go to the party. Gay was one of my very best friends and her party was definitely the event of the entire graduation day. On May 31, I received the following letter of reply from my mother.
Christina dear,
You are not to go to any of the graduation parties that are off the school grounds of Sacred Heart Academy, Christina dear. This includes the party given by Mr. and Mrs. Irvine. I’ve already written them that you cannot come -
Your graduation and birthday present from me was to have been airline tickets to go to London while I am making the film, Story of Esther Costello this summer, and you were to go on location with me to Scotland and Ireland as well as England. But since you disobeyed me and visited the Chadwicks, I am afraid this is out of the questions. You wrote me that you are willing to suffer the consequences. Do you really think it was worth it?
I would just like to remind you again that if you leave the grounds of Sacred Heart Academy before you go to Carnegie Tech., you will not be able to go to Carnegie Tech.
Aunt. Bettina will take you to the dentist’s this summer. We will talk about that later.
My love, always,
“Mommie”
I ran to my room and threw myself across my bed, kicking and screaming and crying. Mean goddamned BITCH!! She’s just a mean bitch to the marrow of her bones. This goddamned letter is just to make me feel bad … she never had any idea in this world of sending me airline tickets … she already told me I had to stay in school alone again all summer. She’s the meanest bitch in the whole world … she’s the goddamned “queen bee” … Now she’s writing this “See-how-it-could-be-if-you-were-a-good-girl-” letter to me just to make me crazy. How I wished I’d never been so honest and straightforward as to say I’d take the consequences! What I meant was that I’d made a mistake, I was sorry and I knew I was going to be punished for it. But she took that and turned it into a knife and sticks it into my belly whenever she finds something new to hold out like the forbidden carrot and torture me with it. She knows goddamned well she never in a million years intended to send me any goddamned airline tickets. She’s the queen bitch and she’d never forget something in only four months! Four months isn’t nearly long enough to torture bad, ungrateful, artificial Christina. Four months? Just a drop in the bucket compared with what she really had in mind. Four months? Not nearly long enough to make the point that it is “Mommie dearest” who is the powerful one … who holds the only key to the future … who’s will must be done. Four months was not an adequate punishment at all … didn’t begin to make amends for the crime of disobedience perpetrated upon the “queen bee” by her dishonest, lying, untrustworthy daughter. There had to be other ways to make the transgressor pay … this letter was one of them.
When my friend Gay came back from the last weekend at home before graduation, she brought me the letter mother had sent her parents on Joan Crawford stationery.
May 30, 1956
My dear Mrs. Irvine,
Thank you so much for inviting my husband and me to your party on Tuesday, June 12th, at the Huntington-Sheraton Hotel in Pasadena. We would dearly love to attend, but my husband will be out of town, and I have business commitments that I just cannot postpone.
I presume you know that several months ago, Christina told Sister Benigna that she was spending the week-end with Gay at your home. Instead, she asked Gay to take her to visit Commander and Mrs. Chadwick at Chadwick School, and Christina stayed with them for three days. I had told Christina repeatedly that she was not to see nor contact the Chadwicks in any way. She disobeyed m
e, and I have felt that she must be punished.
That is why Christina is not to attend any of her class graduation parties off the grounds of Sacred Heart Academy. I do hope you understand that I must deprive her of some of the things she likes best, for the time being.
Thank you again for your kind invitation. I send my best wishes to you, and my congratulations to Gay upon her graduation.
Gratefully,
Joan
What Mrs. Irvine understood was that all the stories Gay had told her about my mother’s meanness was actually true. Fortunately, Gay had not gotten in any trouble over taking me to see the Chadwicks.
That was how mother continually operated. She’d set the perimeters of the situation so rigidly, so tight that it was humanly impossible to live with and then she’d punish you all over again for “disobeying”. I sometimes think she was trying to break me completely. I think all this punishment that lasted for years was her way of trying to give me a lobotomy. She tried every single way she could dream up to completely break my spirit and my independence. She nearly succeeded more than once.
Preparations for graduation on June 12th were accelerating. There was the dress fitting at Bullocks and the invitations to be mailed. Classes were just a formality by now, so the time was passing quickly and easily. I’d sent mother an invitation and also asked for a strapless bra to wear under my sheer, white graduation dress. I had no money so I always had to make a special request for everything out of the ordinary necessities. Her reply was dated June 2, just ten days before graduation day.
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