Honor Lost

by Rachel Caine

  As he turned, Bea hugged him. “I know how you feel. My head’s a mess too. I still can’t believe what’s happening.”

  “Let’s give EMITU a chance to scope out the situation. Maybe it’s not as bad as it looks.” Honestly, that sounded like pure bullshit even to my own ears.

  But I couldn’t say what I was thinking—that if EMITU couldn’t solve this, we might have to shoot Chao-Xing before she tried to eat our faces. In science fiction vids, people who got infested with aliens never got good endings. We’ll be the first, I tried to tell myself, but my logical brain wasn’t having any of that nonsense. It was all I could do to keep from keeling over with guilt. Xyll hadn’t chosen Chao-Xing. It had set its sights on me, but C-X had paid the price.

  Marko dropped his head onto Bea’s shoulder, and she patted his back, while staring at me wide-eyed. I could read the question in her pretty brown eyes—What am I supposed to do now? If I was a bad person, I’d bail on her right this second, but I stepped up and patted Marko awkwardly, imagining how I’d feel if it was Bea quarantined in Medbay right now. An ache blossomed in my chest, too sharp for bearing.

  “Nadim?” I said softly.

  “Yes, Zara?”

  “You’re quiet. Can you maybe say something good here, make him feel better?”

  “This is beyond my ability for consolation.” His grave tone troubled me, even as Typhon thumped out a staccato message of desperation, wordless and angry and fearful.

  Is Typhon all right? I asked silently.

  A negative answer filled my head, and it was a testament to how worried Nadim was that he let my mind brush Typhon’s. With C-X down for the count and Marko falling apart over here, the Elder only had Yusuf—whom he hadn’t known long—and he wasn’t handling it well. I closed my eyes and drifted, concentrating on offering calm and comfort. To my surprise, Typhon settled a little when he felt me. He wasn’t my Leviathan, but I’d touched him deeper than anyone had in eons when I made my escape from his prison cell, and we’d reconnected when he’d thanked me for risking our asses to keep him safe.

  Zara. Typhon gave my name layers, and the feelings were colors, so violent that even Starcurrent couldn’t have identified them. I trembled and fell back against the wall. Nadim caught me, held me steady, even as I bolstered Typhon.

  You’re not alone. Yusuf is there.

  Chao-Xing is dying. I feel her anguish. I never wanted to feel this again. I should never have let them in.

  No wonder Marko was a mess. Being connected to Typhon was like being lost in a storm of razors right now.

  I cordoned off the emotions I couldn’t let Typhon feel and concentrated on reassurance, warmth, and soothing solace. Drumming had worked once before, so I nudged a thought toward Nadim, and he moved to make it happen. Leviathan didn’t touch one another a lot, but this might help. He spun so he could pat Typhon with his tail—slow, careful thumps that should send vibrations throughout the Elder, comforting percussion.

  We’ll work it out. EMITU will save her. Marko will stay here for a while to watch over Chao-Xing, so we’ll send Starcurrent if ze wants to go. Is that all right?

  Typhon steadied gradually. Yes. I will welcome the singer if ze chooses. Thank you, Zara Cole.

  No problem. Are you feeling better?

  Typhon sent a wordless response, an image of him diving through starlight. Yes, that seemed better.

  After that, Nadim pulled me away, softly possessive, and he was the only one in my head. You handled that well. I was afraid the Elder would do something reckless.

  When I opened my eyes, I found myself alone in the hallway. Bea must have taken Marko away from Medbay, hopefully someplace he could rest. I could have asked Nadim, but my knees wouldn’t hold. I sank down and tipped my head against the wall.

  In a bit, I’d go ask Starcurrent if ze minded a transfer, but for now I needed to gather my strength. The pain was damn near overwhelming. Chao-Xing did that. For me.

  “She wanted to protect you,” Nadim said. “Because you are younger. It wasn’t even a choice, just an inevitable instinct.”

  “Is that why? It seems like you were in her head when it happened.”

  “Not precisely. More that her feelings were so powerful that they spilled over.”

  “Can you feel her now?” I almost didn’t want to know, but not asking would be cowardly after what she did.

  “Some. But she is mixed with Xyll. As EMITU said, they feel . . . blended now. Pain. Confusion. Fear. I cannot tell what is hers and what comes from Xyll.”

  That’s not what I wanted to hear.

  “I’m sorry, Zara.”

  “Not your fault. No reason to apologize, either. Like Marko said, I’m the one who wanted to use Xyll when I had no idea how dangerous it could be.” I tried to keep my voice level. Failed miserably.

  “When you hurt, I hurt. And there is no remedy,” Nadim said sadly.

  With a groan, I hauled myself up. Time to find Starcurrent and update zim on the situation. I couldn’t bring myself to apologize for hurting Nadim with my pain when Chao-Xing was suffering so much more.

  We’d both have to bleed emotionally until the wound clotted or somebody died.

  Interlude: Chao-Xyll

  什么都没有了，一片虚空，一切仿佛都消失了。我做不到。这种感觉就像是空前绝望、饥肠辘辘、失望透顶、冷彻心髓、寒冷孤寂。我们是谁？你们又是谁？我什么都听不见了。一切虚空，一切仿佛都消失了，只剩下疼痛，得吃些东西，要吃些东西，必须要吃些东西

  Interlude: Nadim

  I feel what Chao-Xyll feels. The words wash over me. Haunting me.

  Nothing, nothing, nothing, I can’t, this is what is desperate, hunger, despair, cold, cold alone, what are we, what are you, what I can’t hear, nothing, nothing, just pain, must eat, must eat, must eat

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  Lost Control

  STARCURRENT KNEW MOST of what had been going on. The only thing I needed to tell zim about was Chao-Xing’s current condition—and Typhon’s unsteady mood—since it would help if ze headed over to keep Yusuf company and to settle Typhon down. The Abyin Dommas listened with muted colors, and when I finished, ze agreed in a swirl of tentacles.

  “Will go if Typhon needs. Have permission to take Hopper?”

  “Sure. If Marko and Chao-Xing need pickup, you or Yusuf can come back for them.” That would be the best-case scenario. Worst case, Marko went back alone, and I wasn’t sure what would happen to Typhon then.

  I hated leaving Chao-Xing in EMITU’s hands, but I needed to make sure Bea was okay. Marko wasn’t; I already knew that, but Bea was with him. I ran her down coming out of her room, a worried look still clouding her face. She took a step toward me, and I wrapped her up in a hug that was as comforting as I could make it.

  “I hope he’ll sleep,” she said. “Though I’m not sure I ever will again.” I felt the shudder that ran through her.

  “Don’t hate me for saying this, but our mission hasn’t changed. We still have to get to Lifekiller as fast as we can, whatever happens to Chao-Xing. She’d tell us the same, if she could weigh in.”

  We were still tracking the Phage back to the god-king. I didn’t like myself for worrying about that while we had personal shit hitting the fan, but C-X’s condition didn’t alter our imperative. Defeating Lifekiller had to happen, no matter what was going on in Medbay. No matter whose life was in the balance.

  Bea sighed. “I know. She did vote that way when we were talking about Bacia’s SOS. Let’s check the readings.”

  I followed her into Ops, and she triangulated the tail of the Phage swarm we had been hunting. “Still on course?” I asked.

  Nadim answered, “I’ve altered our heading as necessary. I can still hear them, even at this distance.” Made sense that he’d be alert to a threat that could devour him from the inside out and puppet him like they had the poor Elder we mistook for Typhon, just after the Gathering.

  �
��Hey,” I said to Bea. “Line up the Phage’s course. Where are we, exactly? And how far from home?”

  “Home? You mean Earth?”

  I flashed her a smile I didn’t completely feel. “You saying that means we’ve been in space too long already.”

  Bea still scanned and took her own readings, which I assessed over her shoulder. Not that I didn’t trust them, but it was good to form my own judgments.

  “Okay. Earth is roughly over here.” She pointed to the screen, a distant dot on the star map. “At Leviathan speed, maybe two days of travel?”

  “How long until we catch up to the Phage?” I asked.

  Nadim said, “A day and a half with no interruptions or deviations.”

  So thirty-six Earth hours, give or take. Good to know. I took a deep breath. I felt alone right now; Chao-Xing was the proven strategist, the one I would have turned to in order to check all my plans. But she wasn’t here, and I was flying on my own. I was used to that, but not at this level. Not with the survival of our ships and Suncross’s people and entire planets full of life depending on what I did next.

  Bea touched my shoulder, and I wrapped an arm around her, relaxing slightly when she leaned in. “You’ve got a plan for what we’re going to do when we get there?” The slight upturn of her voice made it a question I could ignore if I wanted.

  “Sure.” I wished I could say kill it with fire but that wouldn’t work on Lifekiller. No napalm in vacuum. But maybe that could be a solution? If we forced him down into a planet’s atmosphere somehow, he might be crushed under his own weight and burn up as he fell . . . ? I couldn’t figure how we’d push him down . . . Hell, I was good at spotting weaknesses, but even I couldn’t pinpoint the god-king’s flaws. Shoving him into a black hole might work, but I didn’t see how we could do that either, not without sacrificing one or both Leviathan.

  My only other idea involved launching him at a star so hot that it would immolate him, but from what I’d seen, he might just absorb that energy and power up; then where would we be? No. We needed something else.

  And I didn’t have it.

  Sighing, I let go of Bea and headed to the docking bay. The least I could do was say bye to Starcurrent. The Abyin Dommas didn’t have much, but ze was loading up zis few belongings when I got there, Bea following close behind. She hesitated, then reached out. Damn, this girl had come so far. At one point she was too scared to stand in the same space as a tentacle alien, and now she was trying to figure out how to hug one.

  “I’m not sure how to do this,” she finally said.

  “Is some human ritual?” Starcurrent asked.

  “She wants to hug you. So do I, really.”

  Starcurrent had wrapped zis tentacles around us on more than one occasion, though usually to keep us from being thrown around. This time, ze did it for other reasons. Ze smushed both Bea and me against zim, and many tentacles and tendrils wound around us. I had the uncanny sensation of being prey, just before the breath was squeezed out of me. It came back, though, when Starcurrent let go.

  “Did this correctly?” ze asked.

  I smiled. “Yeah, that was a good hug.”

  Bea was tearing up. “We’ll miss you, Starcurrent.”

  Nadim sounded deeply sorrowful when he finally spoke. “It will not be the same without your colors.”

  “Good,” said Starcurrent. “You are stronger than you know without me, and Typhon needs me now. Perhaps that will change. But also perhaps he needs song to reach the cold places within.”

  Ze got in Typhon’s Hopper and we took that as a sign ze didn’t care to linger. Maybe that would’ve made it even harder to leave. Bea and I scuttled out of the docking bay, so we didn’t get caught in the depressurization. Nadim wouldn’t do that to us on purpose, but there was no point in taking chances. From the other side of the doors, we watched Starcurrent go.

  “Is Marko asleep?” I asked.

  The question was really for Nadim since Bea wouldn’t know. He answered, “I do not think so. He grieves.”

  “Yeah, I was afraid of that. We probably shouldn’t sedate him, even if he needs the rest.” I raised my eyebrows at Bea, making it a question, and she shook her head.

  “I am worried,” Nadim said. “He was in need of sleep even before Chao-Xing . . .” By his hesitation, he wasn’t sure how to speak of her condition.

  “Got infected?”

  Because of me.

  “That seems harsh, but accurate,” he said somberly. “Xyll was a shrill noise within my skin, and now Chao-Xing has some of those same harmonics. I wonder if Marko hears that as well. He has always been sensitive to the subtle changes.”

  “Did you find anything about the Phage in the Bruqvisz records, by the way?” Trust Bea not to forget about the lore the lizards sent over.

  “I’m not sure. I’d like to share something and see if you think it could be relevant.”

  I led the way to the media room, where Bea and I settled on comfortable seats. “This seems like the right place to listen to Bruqvisz stories.”

  From Nadim’s tone, he was quoting directly from their translated files, in a relentless sort of rhythm that formed its own music. “‘We have fought the Eaters before and died in numbers. They are relentless. There is no turning them, and they will devour anything. Even metal isn’t safe from their appetites. But great is the glory in defending from their invasion.’”

  I remembered the splinter Phage family chowing down on Suncross’s score. “That seems about right. This must be written about the Phage.”

  Bea nodded. “What else does it say?”

  “I’m getting to it.” Nadim went on, “‘The Eaters are a scourge, but possess the potential for worse alone. Beware the Eater that slips its skin. It becomes a demon that steals the life of another.’”

  “That sounds like what Xyll did to Chao-Xing,” Bea said softly. “A parasite, taking over a body.”

  “Yeah, but hearing that it could happen when it already has happened isn’t too helpful,” I muttered. “Is there anything in that file about a cure?”

  Nadim didn’t reply for so long that a bad feeling came over me. “Just tell us,” I prompted. “Please?”

  He quoted it. “‘If such a tragedy comes to pass, the only remedy is a quick and merciful execution, for the taken one is already lost. Eaters are parasites that puppet smaller life-forms as they do the Singers with greater numbers. Death is the only answer. There is no honor in a slow and painful lingering.’”

  Shit. I could see why Nadim didn’t want to read that to us. Bea dropped her face into her hands, not even trying to control the tears, and I felt the hot sting behind my eyes. If we’d asked the lizards for their files when I first let Xyll live, could we have avoided this?

  Maybe. Probably.

  “Does it say anything about Eaters awakening?” I asked.

  Nadim made a thinking noise. “Not so far, Zara. There is no mention of communicating with a Phage cell as we have. It seems this was entirely unknown to them.”

  That sounded like a spark of hope. I swallowed my urge to cry. I’d save the weeping until after I accepted there was truly no hope for Chao-Xing, and I wasn’t there yet.

  “Xyll was different. Maybe it won’t kill Chao-Xing. EMITU said it wasn’t eating her insides or laying eggs . . .” Despite what I’d seen on the asteroid, I still wasn’t sure how the Phage reproduced. “Not even the Bruqvisz have ever talked to a Phage cell. We have. Maybe there are other impossible firsts in store.”

  Bea lifted her tear-streaked face, drawn by my wild, hopeful talk. “Do you really think so?”

  “Hell, we’ve broken records before. Let’s not give up on her yet. I didn’t call her Warbitch for nothing.” Bolstered, I got to my feet and headed for Medbay at a jog.

  EMITU wouldn’t open the door for me, but he did use the comm to ask, “What do you want, Zara? I thought I was clear when I evicted you lot.”

  “I just wanted to ask you to do your best. I know you’ve never
encountered anything like this before, but try everything—and I mean every damn thing.”

  The med bot let out a long-suffering sound, robo-voice overly patient. “Are you implying that I would half ass the treatment of a patient in my care, even if said patient is a weird fusion of two meaty life-forms never before included in my incredibly complete medical database?”

  “ . . . No?” But I was also worried that if EMITU came to the same conclusion the Bruqvisz had—that a merciful end was the only way out for Chao-Xing—that might happen with incredible swiftness.

  “Rest assured, I will provide the best care I can. I may not have chosen to be a med bot, but I am good at the trade. I take pride in my work.”

  Since he’d saved my ass more times than I could count, I could only agree. “That is true. Well, I’ll leave you to it.”

  I should have known better. EMITU wouldn’t do a mercy killing, even if he read that suggestion in the lizard files. That was more of a human response.

  Yeah. But humans programmed him. He thinks because we made him think.

  That was frightening.

  When I turned away from the closed Medbay door, I nearly jumped out of my skin because Marko was lurking there. There were no shadows on Nadim, but I felt like he’d brought them with him. I’d thought he was resting in Bea’s room, but nope.

  “Anything new?”

  I couldn’t bring myself to repeat what Bea and I had heard from Nadim. “Her condition is unchanged.” That had to be true or EMITU would have said something. “But he promised to exhaust all medical possibilities, and you know how inventive our med bot is. Bea hacked him so well that he even writes haiku.”

  A ghost of a smile haunted Marko’s face, but didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Are you serious?”

  “Deadly. He’ll drop one at every opportunity now.” On closer scrutiny, I could see him swaying, holding on to the wall. “Man, I can’t make you rest, but how long has it been since you ate something?”

  Marko thought for a moment and then shook his head. So long that he evidently couldn’t remember. I grabbed his arm and hauled his ass to the kitchenette.