Boogie was totally OK with me borrowing his video camera to tape the whole thing. He even gave me a little crash course on all the best settings for how to shoot video in dimly lit situations (like Tabi’s room in the middle of the night).
He’s pretty pumped about it too and agrees with me that it could be one of our best videos on our YouTube show.
We certainly need to get something up there that gets lots of attention because so far we’re not as good as we’d hoped. Our first video only has about a thousand views which is nowhere near the millions of views we need to become YouTube millionaires.
We’ve gotta get more videos up pronto! More vids, and funnier ones.
For sure the farting videos are gonna be great, so once we get them up on YouTube, we should really see some massive views on our channel. And the video of Tabi freaking out when she wakes up and sees the demon head is gonna be killer too!
Hopefully that’ll start things really rolling for us. It would’ve been nice if we’d heard back from Ray William Johnson, or the Shaytards, but so far they have got back to us. I guess they’re just too busy to take the time to reply.
We came up with another awesome idea today too! We’re going to put a joke in every video, probably at the beginning just like talk show hosts do when they start their show.
That’ll be one more thing people will come back to see because they know they’ll be a new one in every video, just like the farting.
It’s actually not as easy as you might think to find lots of good jokes. Luckily we’ll only need one or two per video, but it’s still hard to find really good ones.
We also decided we weren’t using any dirty jokes, so that makes it even harder to find funny ones because it’s usually the dirty ones that are the funniest.
YouTube has rules about dirty stuff and swearing, so we’re sticking with clean jokes because we don’t want to do anything to get in trouble or kicked off YouTube. That would be the end of us becoming YouTube millionaires REALLY fast.
These are three we found that aren’t bad. We might even use all 3 in the next video. Maybe we’ll do them like those guys on TV do that tell bad jokes and then get their band to do the “ba dump bump bing” sounds to make the bad joke funny.
What did one eye say to the other eye?
Something between us smells.
Why do hamburgers go to the gym?
To get better buns.
How do you get an alien baby to sleep?
You rock-et!
“Girl Fighters, Rockstars, and Submarines”
Season 2 – Episode 206
Written and Illustrated by
Matt Ballard
© Copyright Matt Ballard 2012
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Monday
Glee club starts tomorrow, and I’m kinda nervous about it because the word went around that Ms. Winsome is going to be evaluating everyone’s voice.
That means we’re all going to have to sing.
That means I’m going to have to sing!
That’s what I’m nervous about!
It’s kinda like when Ned Flanders on the Simpsons is SO embarrassed about being naked that he always wears a bathing suit when he’s taking a shower or bath.
Now that’s pretty funny, and I really doubt wearing a bathing suit to Glee club is going to help me much. In fact, I think it would only make the situation worse.
If I’m embarrassed to have anyone hear me sing, it sure isn’t going to help matters if I’m the only one who shows up wearing a bathing suit!
That level of embarrassment might just scar me enough to make me walk around saying "Okally Dokally" and putting “Doo” on the end of other made-up words like “Diddly Diddly Doo.” I can see it now. Me, a young, messed up version of Ned Flanders!
I guess I’m just going to have to suck it up and get through it, but I’m really not looking forward to it. Oh the things I do for love! I hope Jordan appreciates it.
Mrs. Fizzerwinch had us do this assignment in English class today where she gave us the first half of a well-known proverb and we came up with the rest. She didn’t tell us what the original second half was until she had all of our answers back because she wanted to see what we came up with.
I have to hand it to her. It was a pretty smart idea because the answers most kids gave were pretty funny. Who would’ve thunk Mrs. Fizzerwinch was so smart!
Once everyone was done and she’d collected all the answer sheets, Mrs. Fizzerwinch read some of the best answers kids came up with.
Better be safe than......................punch an 9th grader. This one is funny because the real proverb is “Better be safe than sorry”. Everyone can imagine how sorry you’d be if you walked up and punched a 9th grader!
(I drew this fist doing a punch, and I really like it. I think it looks wicked awesome! But then I drew this other one too, and I’m not sure which one like better.)
Another really good one was “You can't teach an old dog new.........................math.” You probably already know the original prover is “You can't teach an old dog new tricks” which of course is really true. You should see how hard it is to teach my Dad how to play a new video game when I get one!
Or how about this one… “You can lead a horse to water but.......................how?” LOL, that’s funny! It’s supposed to be “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink” which I’m really not entirely sure is supposed to mean, but the new version is sure funny! “But how?” LOL! That’s a good one!
And here’s a good one to tell your grandparents about when they start lecturing you about saving your money like mine always do! “A penny saved is...................................not much.” That’ll get ’em! The original is obviously “A penny saved is a penny earned” which I’ve heard a thousand times from Granny and Gramps.
Wait until I tell them this one! I can see the look of shock on their faces now, which will be SO funny because this new ending is SO true! I mean, really! What in the world can you buy with a penny these days?
This next one actually sounds like it came from the Bible or something. I’m pretty sure it didn’t, but someone should probably stick it in there the next time they update it.
“Children should be seen and not.........spanked or grounded.” I think we can all agree with this one! Of course the original is supposed to be “Children should be seen and not heard” which I’m pretty sure we all don’t agree with. This new version is SO much better!
I’m going to show this one to Mom and Dad and see what they think. Maybe I’ll see if Mom wants to get it printed up all fancy and frame it to hang on the wall! LOL… now that would be funny!
Here’s one that all the good liked. I didn’t think it was all that funny, but they sure thought it was great. “A miss is as good as a...................................Mr.”
Mrs. Fizzerwinch said this one’s funny because it’s got something to do with women’s liberation. I wasn’t too sure what that was about either, and Mrs. Fizzerwinch’s explanation didn’t help a whole lot.
She said it had something to do with women’s liberation and the feminist movement. Apparently those are about a bunch of battles between women and men over a whole bunch of different stuff like decisions about babies, paychecks, and violence.
I was kinda stunned because I’ve never heard about any of this stuff. Mrs. Fizzerwinch said we’ll probably learn more about it in history class, but in the meantime, I might look into some more on my ow
n. I think it might make a GREAT idea for a killer new video game!
Imagine like a war and hand-to-hand fighting game between men and women. It’d be totally awesome! Like wrestling on TV, but the girls could be wicked awesome fighters too!
I’m gonna have to really do some thinking on this one because it could be worth a lot of money if I sold it to PlayStation or Xbox! I could be rich just off my game idea, and then the YouTube millions Boogie and I are going to make will just be extra spending money.
I’d have so much money I wouldn’t know how to spend it all! I’d be walking down the street and see a car I liked, and I could just walk up and hand the owner a handful of cash and drive away with it.
Or I could buy an island with palm trees and beautiful beaches, and a base for my submarine that I’d buy to get back and forth from it!
Or maybe I’ll just live on my submarine and forget about the island idea. Imagine living on a submarine! It’d be a wicked awesome sub, really big with lots of rooms and tons of TV’s, computers, and technical stuff.
It would have the best weapons in the world too so nobody could ever tell me what to do, and maybe I’d even go around and help people by stopping bad guys with my Super Sub! I’d be like Batman but with a submarine instead of a car.
Mind you, now that I think about it, Batman has a submarine too.
Oh well! Now he won’t be the only one with his own submarine. And maybe I’ll buy a wicked awesome car like the Batmobile, but even better! I could be a Super Hero just like Batman!
That’s the awesome thing about Batman. He’s a Super Hero without any real Super Powers.
Sure, he’s a wicked awesome fighter and can fight the bad guys, but he’s still just a normal guy with lots of high tech gadgets and cool vehicles.
Boogie’s learning karate. Give him the gadgets, and he could be a kid Super Hero! Maybe I should start learning karate! We could be a team. Not like Batman and Robin because Robin is kinda like underneath of Batman, but more like the X-Men where everybody is kinda like equal members.
At least they’re all supposed to be equals. I think Wolverine is probably the most wicked awesome of them all.
Of course, Magneto has wicked awesome powers too. He may actually be the most powerful mutant of them all.
But I think I got a little off track here. The point is, with a lot money to buy the best stuff out there, and even invent your own, you can do just about anything! I can’t wait until that’s me!
Tuesday
We had GLEE club today. It went OK. Actually it went better than OK. I sang pretty wicked awesome. Even Ms. Winsome said so.
Well she didn’t exactly say “wicked awesome,” but she said I had a great voice and sang very well, so it’s basically the same thing.
I was pretty surprised actually. This morning I woke up with this little ball in my stomach that was kinda uncomfortable, like a tennis ball that was bouncing around and making my stomach feel bad.
It got worse as the day went on.
By the time the school day was over, and it was time for GLEE club, it was pretty bad. I actually thought I was going to have to go and see the school nurse. What felt like a tennis ball bouncing around this morning, now felt like a football being thrown around inside me with the pointed ends hitting me in the guts every time it landed.
And then it was my turn to sing. The football was still there, except now it felt like 3 or 4 of them were in there. I thought I was going to throw up.
Ms. Winsome must’ve noticed because she said I looked a little pale and asked me if I was going to be all right.
I don’t know if it was Ms. Winsome saying I looked pale that did it or what, but all of sudden the weirdest thing happened. The footballs stopped flying around in my stomach, and I felt strangely calm all of a sudden.
And then it happened.
The me from my dream took over. It was like I was transformed into the girl version of me that sang a duet with Jordan in my dream.
I just opened my mouth and sang, and the amazing thing is that I sounded really good. It wasn’t a girl’s voice. It was my own, but it was clear and strong and everybody kinda stopped and stared at me in amazement.
And let me tell you, everybody else may have been amazed, but there was nobody more amazed than ME! I was actually singing. Me! And it sounded good! And it wasn’t just me that thought so!
Even better, after I finished and looked over at Jordan, she was staring at me and smiling too.
But it wasn’t amazement that was on her face. I mean, there might have been a bit of amazement there, yeah, but the BIG thing that I saw on her face was pride. She was proud of me!
Of course, I was never going to be able to tell anyone what my secret is. NO ONE can EVER know what really happened. If word got out that the secret to my wicked awesome singing is that I envision myself singing as a girl, I’d be done for.
I doubt even Boogie would speak to me. I mean, he might want to, but he wouldn’t be able to because of what would happen to him if he did. It’s that whole guilt by association thing again, like why I couldn’t let Tabi get on the zit face list.
Being a kid can be REALLY tough. It’s a pretty hard game to play. The rules can be really brutal, but hey, it’s the only game we’ve got. What else are you gonna do about it?
Like my Uncle Dan is always saying, “Suck it up Buttercup.” (I’m not even totally sure what that means, but it sounds cool when you say it, especially if you say it like Uncle Dan does, and I think it actually fits in a situation like this.)
Wednesday
Boogie and I found a new YouTube star to watch today. His name’s Ed Bassmaster, and he’s absolutely hilarious!
We found him when we were doing some more research on farts and farting. Ed is like the KING of making farts and farting funny so he came up in the top results of our YouTube searches.
There’s this one video where Ed does call “Farting in the Library” where he walks around the library and uses a fart machine to make really real sounding farting sounds when he bends over or stops by someone. It’s TOTALLY hilarious! You really have to watch it to see the looks on people’s faces!
Ed uses this wicked awesome fart machine called a pooter. It’s probably the BEST farting device I’ve ever seen! It sounds totally real. You’d swear someone was actually farting, and some of the farts sound totally brutal!
Ed Bassmaster does a bunch of other videos on farting too. They’re all pretty funny. Ed’s also got like 5 or 6 characters he does that all do different things.
He’s got this one character, Mumbles, where he walks around mumbling at people, like he’s talking to them but they can’t understand him because it’s all mumbles. It’s really funny, and you get to see everybody’s reactions too which makes it even funnier!
Another of Ed’s characters that I really like is The Hacker. He walks around talking to people, and then starts hacking away in the middle of saying something, like he’s got really bad smoker’s cough or something. (Dad says smoker’s cough is what they call it when people who are dumb enough to smoke get a really bad hacking cough from smoking).
All of Ed’s videos are pretty funny, but we watched the farting ones over again because they’re part of our research. Boogie and I figure if we can basically do our own version of the “Farting in the Library” video, then we’ll have a hit. Ed has like over 3 million views so far, so we’re thinking if we do one, we should be able to get at least that.
It’s pretty awesome to think we’re gonna get rich from farting. Who would’ve ever thunk! Maybe we’ll have to get t-shirts made up with a can of beans on them or something. On the back it could say “Bean, beans, the magical fruit.”
We’d probably leave off the rest because it’s funnier if the shirt just says the first line. Plus the whole poem is a little long to put on a shirt.
Bean, beans, the magical fruit
The more you eat, the more you toot
The more you toot, the better you feel
Or you might have heard a different variation.
Beans, beans, they're good for your heart
The more you eat, the more you fart
The more you fart, the better you feel
Diary of a Nerd King #2: The Complete 2nd Season - Episodes 1 to 8 Page 5
