Behind me wasn’t an option either. That would’ve meant soaking a whole table full of jocks and sports guys, which would’ve basically meant the end of my life about 20 seconds after they realized who’d done it.
(The jocks should all just wear T-shirts with the Skull and Crossbones on them because, basically, if you mess with them, you’re dead!)
It was a pretty full cafeteria, and there really weren’t any safe directions to be releasing a shower of thrown-up milk in. Like I said, I was lucky I didn’t end up throwing up after all.
Once I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to throw up, I sat there feeling a little queasy, uncertain of what to do next.
I considered going to the bathroom and making myself throw up to get rid of the milk that was circling around in my guts in big, queasy feeling circles, but the thought of that awful feeling of your stomach lurching and the terrible after-taste made me decide to wait it out a bit.
The next thing that popped into my head was rats. Lots and lots and lots of rats. Millions of them. And each one was hooked up to a tiny little milking machine like they use to get the milk out of cows.
Remember that Simpsons episode, "Mayored to the Mob," where Homer finds out Fat Tony and the Mob made a deal with Mayor Quimby to sell rat’s milk to the schools?
It’s a great episode, but it really makes you think after you get a big mouthful of bad tasting milk with your school lunch. I mean, really, who’s to say that they don’t give us rat’s milk at school?
What if some big shot business guy was watching that episode of the Simpsons with his kids and thought it was a great idea? There’s probably a LOT more money to be made by milking rats than there is from milking cows.
Think about it! Rats are everywhere. You can even breed them yourself so you don’t have to buy them. They eat a lot less than cows, and they’re a lot smaller so it’s easier to find a place to keep them.
Really, now that I think about it, milking rats is probably a genius idea. I’d be really surprised if somebody isn’t doing it!
Saturday
Boogie and I were working on our YouTube show today, and Boogie’s Dad actually helped us come up with a great idea! He had the radio on in the kitchen and was listening to the news while he was emptying the dishwasher.
(We call it “Dad’s Dishwasher” because it basically is. I don’t know how it works in your house, but in our house, doing the dishes is one of Dad’s chores that Mom has assigned to him.)
Boogie was asking him something, and then the news guy on the radio started talking about all these snakes that are causing trouble in the swamps in Florida. Snakes are pretty cool, so we all started talking about it.
It turns out these weren’t natural, wild snakes that were native to Florida (Boogie’s dad says native means that’s where they’re originally from), but they were snakes that people had bought as pets and then released once they got too big and the people didn’t want them anymore.
(Snakes are kinda cute when they’re just little guys. You can sorta see why someone would want one as a pet.)
Boogie’s dad says they’re irresponsible pet owners. I agree with him. He says it’s pretty dumb for people to buy a pet like a snake without thinking what’s going to happen once they get big, especially snakes like these which are Burmese Pythons that get HUGE!
(They’re not so cute when they’re HUGE. Imagine how much it would cost to feed this guy!)
Pythons are like those snakes you see in the movies that kill people by wrapping themselves around them and squeezing until the person is crushed to death!
Boogie’s dad says he thinks people have to be nuts to want to keep one of those as a pet. He thinks they’re too dangerous.
Boogie and I actually think it might be kind of cool to have a Burmese Python for a pet. It would sure make things interesting on bring-your-pet-to-school day!
Just imagine how high our cool status would be that day! All the other kids are showing up with their hamsters, gerbils, turtles, goldfish, and maybe a few dogs and cats. Then bam!
Boogie and I show up with this HUGE Burmese Python dangling across our necks, both of us carrying it in because it’s SO big that it’s hard for just one of us to carry! Everybody’s eyes would be bugging out, and we’d be like instant celebrities!
All the kids would be begging us to touch our snake!
Even the scared ones would be wanting to at least get a little closer for a better look.
We’d be super-stars! Instantly famous! The Snake Dudes!!!
Maybe Boogie and I would even get tattoos of our snake on our arms!
Or we could get SUPER big ones on our backs!
Then our cool status would be off the charts! We might just be the coolest people on the planet at that point, or the coolest people in our school at the very least.
Boogie’s dad says the snakes are a BIG problem. Apparently they’re eating all the rest of the wild animals in the Everglades (that’s a fancy name for a swamp. Boogie’s dad says the name Everglades specifically refers to a big section of swamp or wetlands in the bottom part of Florida).
I guess this would be really crappy if you’re one of the animals that’s getting eaten. The guy on the radio said the pythons will eat almost anything, including rabbits, raccoons, opossums, and birds. Apparently they’ll EVEN eat bobcats and alligators!!!
Now that would be pretty cool to watch. A snake hunting an alligator, catching it, and then swallowing it whole!
That’s how Burmese Pythons eat. Once they catch their prey, they swallow it in one piece. Their mouth opens REALLY big, and they stretch it over the animals they’re eating. It takes a while, but somehow they do it!
Boogie’s dad says he’s even heard of them swallowing a whole cow! He says pythons have this hinge built into their mouth so that they can open it REALLY wide. The rest of their body is really stretchy too, like an elastic, so that they can stuff their food in there.
Boogie thinks we should try to get some video footage of a python eating something big like a cow or an alligator. We could do commentary on it and make it into a video for our YouTube show.
It could be a pretty big hit. I mean, think about it. Who wouldn’t want to see a HUGE snake swallowing a whole cow! Or even an alligator! Or maybe both!
We could do a whole bunch of different videos of snakes eating different stuff. It could be a new segment on our show. We could call it “The Snake Dudes.”
Sunday
I was surfing online today, and I found a whole list of words that sound dirty that aren’t. They’re actually pretty funny, and even funnier if you say them out loud.
I’m going to see if I can work them into a homework assignment for English. Mrs. Fizzerwinch will have a hairy canary, but what will she be able to do? Remember, these are words that SOUND dirty, but AREN’T.
Uranus. It’s one of the planets. Say it out loud. Ha, you did it more than once didn’t you!
Bangkok. It’s a city in Thailand with a population of 4 million people. I wonder if all 4 million of them say Bangkok everyday and start laughing?
Blowhole. It’s actually an air or gas vent. Whales have one. You’ve probably seen pictures of a whale blowing air and water out its blowhole. Looks pretty neat.
Balzac. He was a famous French writer. Apparently he founded something called the realist school of fiction. I have no idea what that is, but his name sure sounds funny!
Ramrod. A cleaning rod used to clean a firearm. This one actually sounds kinda cool, like something you’d like for your middle name. Maximus Ramrod Ridgemont.
Gesticulate. When you make or use gestures when you’re talking. My Mom does this all the time, especially when she’s mad. Next time I see her doing it, I’m going to ask her if she knows she gesticulates a lot.
Titmouse. A small songbird. This one is fun to say, especially if you can work it into an answer for a teacher’s question at school!
Teacher: “What’s your favorite bird?”
Student:
“A titmouse.”
Just imagine the look on the teacher’s face!
Coccyx. This is the bottom of your tailbone. I know because I’ve actually fallen on my butt and bruised mine, and let me tell you, it hurt! It may sound funny to say, but it sure isn’t funny to fall on!
Dingus. A name for something you can’t remember the name of. The dictionary says a synonym for dingus is doodad.
Doodad. See above. They both sound dirty and funny!
There’s a whole lot more too, but these were the ones I thought were the funniest. Try them out on your parents or your teacher. Just make sure you use them properly in a sentence.
If you walk around just saying them over and over, then you’ll probably get in trouble even though they aren’t dirty words. Parents find a way to do stuff like that.
Monday
In history class today, we were talking about great inventions. There’s actually some pretty cool ones I’d never heard of before.
The toilet was one I was obviously aware of, but hadn’t really thought of as a great invention.
When you think about how you had to go to the bathroom before there were toilets, you realize how GREAT an invention the toilet actually is.
I also had no idea that toilets have been around for as long as they have. Apparently the first ones are from like the 26th century B.C. which is a REALLY long time ago. Thousands and thousand of years ago!
Some of the other greatest inventions are stuff like plastic, electricity, cars, the printing press, and computers. I guess it’s easy to forget about things like these because they’ve always been around, at least in our lifetimes.
Then I started thinking about all the cool, fun stuff that’s been invented like whoopee cushions, also known as a poo-poo cushion or razzberry cushion.
Wikipedia says a whoopee cushion “is a practical joke device, used in a form of flatulence humor, which produces a noise resembling a raspberry or human flatulence. It is made from two sheets of rubber that are glued together at the edges. There is a small opening with a flap at one end for air to enter and leave the cushion.”
I didn’t even know there was a category for farting humor, but I like it! Flatulence humor. That just makes farting sound important and impressive.
Like, if I do some fart sounds and everybody laughs, and the teacher asks what everybody thinks is so funny, I can say “Flatulence humor.”
Or when I’m older and somebody asks me what my occupation is, I can just say “Flatulence humor.”
Who knows? Maybe flatulence humor will become a well-respected profession! Instead of parents saying they hope their kids grow up to be a doctor or a lawyer, they’ll say they hope they grow up and get into flatulence humor.
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Everyone whose artwork gets chosen to appear in the next episode of Diary of a Nerd King will get a $25 iTunes or Amazon Gift Certificate, a FREE copy of the next Diary of a Nerd King book, and your artwork featured on the Diary of a Nerd King website. Your name will also appear below your artwork as a credit in the book. Who knows? You could end up becoming a famous artist from the exposure!
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What should you draw? Something weird. Something crazy. Something you saw on Youtube. Something that happened at school. Something your Sister, Brother, Mom, or Dad did... even something Gramma did. Your cat. Your dog. Your hamster riding your dog.
The possibilities are endless. Check out the Diary of a Nerd King blog at http://nerdkingdiary.blogspot.com or get the ebook on Amazon to see the kind of stuff Max draws.
Please limit your submissions to 1000 x 1000 pixels and 1MB file size maximum. Artwork can be in color or black & white. It can be created digitally on an iPad, iPod Touch, PC or Apple computer. It can be drawn on paper (i.e. pencil, pen and ink, pencil crayon, etc.) and scanned or photographed for emailing.
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Table of Contents
Title page
Diary of a Nerd King #2: The Complete 2nd Season - Episodes 1 to 8 Page 7
