by Tia Louise
“I’ll do what I can,” the man says, and we’re heading for the door.
Once outside, we stand for a moment looking across the empty lot separating Dr. Endicott’s house from the Atlantic Ocean. A strong blast of wind pushes my short hair away from my face, and I inhale the scent of the sea.
“Remember that time you said I would take a sea voyage,” Slayde says, grinning at me sideways.
“Yeah.” The reference to a coffee reading embarrasses me now.
“I was certain you were full of shit. I can’t swim, and there was no way I was ever going anywhere on a boat.”
Watching him as we head to his car, I don’t speak. I have a feeling I know where he’s going with this, but I’m not sure.
“And?” I say once we’re inside and headed back to Bayville.
“And six months later I was getting on the Sea Empress for a voyage that would change my life.”
Looking out the window, I release a deep breath. “Your point is…”
“You are special, Mare. You do have a gift. I don’t care what that old man in there says. I don’t care if he decides his reputation is more important than giving you peace of mind. You don’t have a mental illness.”
My insides warm at this unexpected vote of confidence. I feel the tears rising in my eyes, and I hastily blink them away. “Thank you, Slayde.”
“Just my unqualified opinion,” he shrugs. “Now come on. I’ll take you back to your place, then you’re coming over to have dinner with Kenny and me tonight.”
“I’d like that.”
* * *
Inside my apartment, I square my shoulders and go to the closed door of my little art studio. I’m not ready to open the door, but I want to paint. I need to stretch a new canvass and get these emotions out of my head.
Turning the handle, I brace myself for the sight of him, but when I look, I’m not overwhelmed with heartbreak. I walk through the room inspecting these exquisitely sensual drawings of him, and when I lean closer, I see the face of a man—a beautiful man, a stubborn, dominant man, but still only a man.
I see him through the eyes of a young girl in love for the first time. My emotions are clear on the canvass, trying to make him larger than life, more than a mere human, but Stuart Knight is only human. He is strong and capable, and he’s right more often than he’s wrong. But I was wrong to force him to be something more.
Again, I trace my fingers along the lines of his jaw, the shading of his cheekbones, and the contours of his eyes. All of it was done with so much care. My stomach aches when I realize how much I depended on him to be unshakable.
These thoughts are in my head as I place a new canvass on the easel. I walk to the closet where I keep my supplies and sort through the different colors. I take out tubes of white and blue, brown and yellow, purple and green, along with my brushes. Setting all the items on a tray, I walk to my bedroom and change into my old jeans and a shirt spattered with paint. My hair is too short to put up in a ponytail, so I have to settle for large barrettes on each side.
The first stroke is the hardest. It’s a long swath of green, the prairie grasses dark as they blow in the wind. Taking the yellow, I touch the tips with the gold from my memory. The glowing light that surrounded us in that sacred moment. Hours pass as I work on the grass, the bluebonnets scattered in the field, the edge of yellow where the daisies were. In the center is a blank space. I’m working up the courage to fill it.
With my eyes closed, I can still see her. The sun, if it was sunlight, danced off the honey highlights of her long curls. Her eyes glowed green above her round cheeks, and she was so happy as she danced. I’ll start with the filmy white dress she wore, working my way to her chubby baby arms and hands, before adding the golden wings that grew and grew until they lifted her from the ground, carrying her away from me.
The harsh ring of my phone cuts through the silence. I open my eyes, and my face is wet with tears. Only the outline of a little girl is on the canvass. She’s not complete anywhere but in my mind. My phone rings again, and I drop the brush in the jar of turpentine before going into the kitchen to find it.
“You okay?” My best friend is on the line, and I glance up at the clock. It’s after seven. “We thought you’d be here by now.”
“Oh, no…” I look down at my clothes. Other than my hands, I’ve somehow managed to keep from getting paint all over me—a first. “I was painting, and I lost track of the time.”
“You were painting?” Kenny’s softens. “It’s okay. You want to take a rain check so you can keep working?”
“No, no!” Reaching for the barrettes, I take them out of my hair and smooth the bumps away. “I’ll just change clothes and be right over.”
Slayde has grilled steaks, and Kenny has prepared her special dairy-free mac and cheese. She’s lactose intolerant and always experimenting with non-dairy versions of her favorite dishes.
“I think I’d like another tattoo,” I say, scooping up a forkful of the large yellow noodles covered in a golden cheesy crust. “Oh my god.” Covering my mouth, I have to duck. The dish is buttery and creamy and so comforting. “How did you do this?”
“Lactose free milk and goat cheese. Isn’t it amazing?”
“It’s like heaven!” I take another huge bite, and she laughs.
“So what about this new tattoo?”
“Mm,” I lean forward in my chair, taking a sip of wine. “Do you have a pencil?”
Slayde leans to the bar and grabs one, and I sketch the outline of a pair of wings connected by an infinity symbol. Under it in small Roman numerals, I add the year.
“Think you can work that into my constellation?”
My friend smiles, her eyes shimmering. “Of course I can. Let’s meet at the White Lotus tomorrow after work.”
“Sounds good.” I nod, sitting back, thinking about it. Jessica belongs with the stars.
Stomach full and heart comforted, I leave Kenny and Slayde’s place before ten. Instead of going straight home, I turn off toward the beachfront. When I’m at the old pier, I get out and walk along the wooden boardwalk. It’s a spot I’ve visited countless times to think or not so long ago, to feel closer to my grandmother.
The night is warm, and I’m only wearing my sleeveless black shift. No need for a sweater. Looking up, I see the sky full of stars. Emptiness aches in my chest, and I remember how I was before this summer.
“I used to think you were up there looking down on me,” I say softly. The waves make a gentle lapping sound against the pier posts, and I walk along the edge from one to the next, watching the black water sway. “I lost my dream then I lost everything. I’m not even sure who I am anymore.”
My phone buzzes in my hand, and I lift it to see who’s calling. An old familiar tingle moves through my chest at the image of Stuart’s face, and I touch the screen to answer.
“I was thinking about you,” his warm voice touches me through the line. “How did it go today?”
I take a deep breath before answering. “The doctor said he needed to go back through his charts. He wants to review his notes before he’ll let me know something.”
“Whatever he says, it doesn’t change anything.” His voice is calm, confident, and I instinctively want to lean into him.
Instead, I straighten my shoulders. “What are you doing tonight?”
“Not much. Reading, looking over some cases Derek sent me.” A pause. “Waiting for you.”
I gaze across the water as the ocean breeze pushes my hair back and think of him catching it in his hand. “I’d better go.”
Another moment of silence, then, “I’m here for you. I’m not going anywhere this time.”
“Goodnight.”
21
Changes
Mariska
The White Lotus tattoo parlor is in a strip mall on Tom’s River. The owner is a former client of Kenny’s and as they worked out together, she learned my best friend is a licensed tattoo artist. It’s how Kenny met Patric
k.
I drive over to the small shop as soon as I get off from work at the gym, my mind at home on the painting I started. As soon as we’re done here, I plan to head back and finish it. I’m ready to fill that space.
Kenny’s car is already in the lot. She only worked a half-day at the gym. When I walk in Wren, the owner, is sitting in the back with a muscular guy lying on a table. She’s in the middle of an elaborate leopard tattoo scene on his back.
“Hey!” Kenny hops out, dressed in a black mini and tank top that reveals a one-inch strip of her pale torso. “I’ve got everything all set up, and I brought the sketch you did last night. Did you want to stick with that design or change it?”
I follow her to a chair around the corner. It’s the same spot where she put the constellation of stars on my side.
“Let me see it again.” I take the napkin and study the little sketch I made at her house. “No, that’s still what I want.”
She smiles and takes it from me, putting it under transfer paper and tracing it out. “Want the year in Roman numerals like that?”
“Yep.” I sit at the chair, and pull up my light green polo shirt. It makes my eyes appear slightly green, which is unusual. They’ve always been mostly caramel with hints of gold. I remember Stuart telling me they’re like the sunset in Montana.
“I still can’t get over preppy Mariska,” Kenny laughs.
Curling my nose, I rest my head on my hand. “What does that mean?”
“Nothing! You wear it well. It’s just… different.”
I slide my short hair behind my ear and lean forward on my elbows. “I think of it as me being neutral. Nothing special.”
“Hmm,” she says, and I can hear she’s switched into focused mode. “You’re special to me.”
That makes me smile right before I wince as the needle pierces my skin. Blue eyes flash to mine, evaluating my reaction.
“Sorry. This won’t take long. It’s a small mark.”
“It’s okay. I’ve got a higher pain tolerance now.” In more ways than one.
She’s finished quickly, as she predicted. Finishing touches made on the numbers, and the swirling wings of my angel are forever with me on my skin. I stand while she cleans it and puts a strip of clear plastic over it.
“You can take this off and just put lotion on it after a few hours. It won’t need much healing time.”
I turn to the side and look at it in the mirror. “I like it. It feels right.”
“Another satisfied customer!” She grins. It’s her favorite line after finishing a tattoo, and I dig in my wallet for the cash to pay her.
“So Patrick’s driving up with Lane tomorrow. Why don’t you come over and say hello? I’m sure he wants to see you.”
My shirt’s tucked in, and I stop at the door thinking about the little boy who looks more and more like a Knight every day. “I think I can do that,” I say, giving her a little smile.
A month ago, my response would have been very different, but the more time passes, the more I can see the small steps I’m taking toward being whole again.
I’m in the car driving back to my place when my phone goes off. I glance at it in the cupholder, and it’s not a number I recognize. I don’t answer, but when I get to my apartment building, I’m frozen in the car by the stern voice on the line.
“Hello, Miss Heron, this is Dr. Endicott. I wanted to follow up on your visit.” My heart beats painfully hard in my chest, and I struggle to breathe. I hadn’t realized how desperately I’d been waiting for his call.
“After reviewing the few notes I have left from your case, I’ve determined my diagnosis was an accurate starting point for the behaviors exhibited.” My heart sinks, and I lean back in the seat as feelings of fear and shame wash over me.
“However,” he continues, and my ears perk up. “Because your grandmother removed you from my care before I was able to do a full battery of tests, whether it would have been my final diagnosis is impossible to know.”
“What?” I whisper. My heart beats faster.
“My recommendation at this point would be further evaluation and testing if you have reason to believe my original diagnosis is accurate. I would be happy to make an appointment for you with one of the doctors who have taken over my practice…”
Touching the screen, I end the call. For several moments I sit in my car in silence. Do I want further testing? Do I have reason to believe his diagnosis might have been accurate? Leaning forward, I wrap my arms around my waist and hold on tight. I’m going to make it through this. I am.
Inside the house, I drop my purse on the bar and strip out of my polo shirt and khakis. I leave them in a heap on the floor in my living room and pick up the ancient tee I was wearing this morning. The plastic on my hip itches, so I peel it carefully off my new ink. Turning to the side, I examine the little pair of infinity wings. They’re exactly what I had in my mind, a perfect memorialization for our baby.
My paints are all still set up in the small studio room, and that empty space in my latest abstract sits waiting for the little girl to fill it. Taking my brush out of the turpentine, I clean it on the rag before dipping the tip in a bit of purple.
White followed by green blends her into the prairie grasses the same way I saw her. Finally, I take the bright yellow and mix it with the white. Lights so bright my eyes ache…
I paint late into the evening until I’m falling asleep on my feet. It’s finished, but I can’t look at it now. It’s too fresh in my mind, and I won’t see it properly. It’s best if I go to bed and look at it in the morning.
Stripping off the comfortable old tee, I stop off in the bathroom to wash my face and brush. I’m on my way to bed when I see the text on my phone. Picking it up, I read one line from Stuart: I love you.
A tingle of warmth moves in my chest, and I feel the ice starting to melt.
* * *
Stuart
Patrick wakes me up early Friday morning. I’m on the couch where I fell asleep reading an article Derek sent me about the new breed of identity theft. It was about as boring as I expected, and I lost the battle with sleep around midnight. Not before I sent a text to Mariska—just making sure she knows where I stand.
“What’s up?” I say, answering the call.
“Hey, brother, I’m headed to Bayville. Kenny misses Lane, so I figured I’d drop in for the weekend, let them visit, check in at the office.”
Pushing up to a sitting position, I check the clock. It’s only nine. “You need a place to stay? You could crash here.”
“Really?” I don’t miss the shock in his voice, and I have to confess, I’m a little surprised by the offer myself. I guess losing everything has a way of softening one’s personality.
“Mariska’s back at her place. I have an extra room.”
“Yeah, I heard about that.” His voice goes quiet, and for a moment we don’t speak. I hear the sound of music and Lane’s small voice in the background. “I’m really sorry about Mariska and the baby and all.”
I wonder how long it will take for that kind sentiment to stop feeling like a sledgehammer to the guts whenever someone offers it.
“Thanks,” is all I can say.
“I’ve never experienced anything like that, but I bet it leaves you pretty raw.”
“We’re working through it.” I’m ready to change the subject. “What time do you think you’ll be in Bayville?”
“Between four and five. You know where Kenny lives?”
“Text me the address just in case.”
“Will do at my next stop.” I’m about to disconnect when I hear his last words. “Take it easy, bro.”
“You too.”
Even after our father died, Patrick and I hadn’t been able to find a common ground. I suppose it’s a good thing we’re making this step now. Signs of personal growth or something.
What I do know is I’ll be in Bayville at Kenny’s, which means I’ll also most likely see Mariska. Stopping in front of the mirror, I
decide it’s time to get a haircut, shave, pick up a new shirt. Things are changing between us as well, and I want to keep the momentum moving forward.
At four, I’m headed out of the condo on my way to the ocean. Bayville is an easy half-hour drive from Princeton, but I don’t want to be too early. I don’t want to seem overly anxious.
Walt (a.k.a., the best doorman in the world), stops me in the lobby. “Got a letter for your fiancée, Mr. Knight. It looks pretty official. I thought if you were headed to see her, she might want it.”
I pause and take the thick envelope from him. Walt is such a great guy. He hasn’t mentioned Mariska’s absence in the weeks I’ve been back. He also doesn’t allow for the fact that it might be a permanent state of affairs. He’ll wait for me to let him know.
The return address is Missouri River General, and I have to fight the temptation to rip it open myself. In any event, I’ll have to see her now. She needs to have whatever this is, and I need to be there when she opens it. I won’t let her suffer another heartbreak alone if I can help it.
Looking out at the countryside on the way to Bayville, I think about all that’s happened, where we are now, and how much we’ve changed since June. Major life crises have a way of either bringing people closer together or driving them apart. I blame myself for letting this one drive Mariska and me apart.
I couldn’t handle the guilt and the pain of what had happened. I didn’t want to be in my own head, and I could only imagine Mariska didn’t want to be around me either. I realize how wrong that type of thinking was. Bill helped me see the error of my ways.
Where does that leave us? Coming back to Princeton has convinced me more than ever it’s not where I want to stay. Still, I can’t leave without Mariska. Before I didn’t talk to her about how I felt. I didn’t let her inside the war in my mind over what I wanted and what I imagined she wanted. Again, this experience has shown me how wrong-headed that approach is.
