‘You don't need to point that out.' I knocked on Ruth's door loudly, taking only a tiny percentage of my anger out. Throwing the helmet hadn’t helped in tampering it back down. Ruth opened the door quickly, almost like she was expecting me, and by the look on her face, this wasn't going to be an easy session. She ignored me—fair enough—but smiled at Melissa behind me. ‘Sweetheart, it's lovely to see you, but Danny's not going to use you as a buffer today. I want to see him alone.'
‘Give him hell, Ruth. The guy’s scum.’ I shook my head but scowled because I knew her assessment was true.
‘I intend to, sweetheart. See you soon,' Ruth replied before briskly tipping her head, signalling me to come in. I sat down in the same blue chair I'd become so familiar with over the last few years. I'd spilled my guts out in this room, last week's session being no exception. ‘We had an intense session last week,' Ruth said as she flung herself down on the chair. ‘But you ain't seen nothing yet.'
‘Ruth, just wait a minute.’
‘No!' she shouted, shocking the shit out of me. ‘I've waited long enough for you to pick up your pride, pull together your shit, or whatever you call it, but I will not stand by and see that girl falling apart in front of my eyes.' She reached for her coffee. ‘You think I didn't hear you and your quite frankly despicable performance in the car park?' I rested my elbows on my knees and hid my face. This was torture. I'd rather someone slashed the tip of my cock with a razor blade than sit and listen to Ruth highlighting the fucking truth in front of me. ‘I'm ashamed of you, Danny. That's not a counsellor talking to a client. It's someone who thinks very highly of you and doesn’t want to see you spiral out of control again.’
‘You don’t need to worry,’ I mumbled. ‘I wouldn’t go down that road again.’
‘I’m not talking drugs. I’m talking behaviour!’ she said, slamming her fist on the desk. ‘Kate needs to know. Not next week, not in a month’s time. Now!’
‘I can’t, Ruth. How the fuck can I tell her?’ I asked as I rested my hands on my scalp and tried to squeeze out the pain from across my forehead. It hadn’t let up since I’d left.
‘She has a right to know,’ Ruth replied more softly.
‘No,’ I spat out. ‘She doesn’t.’
‘Of course she does. You know that as much as I do. You can't hide this from her.' She took a breath to calm herself. ‘Do you think telling her will make any difference to how she feels about you? I'm telling you now it won't.'
‘It makes a difference to me,' I replied through gritted teeth. Fuck, this was seriously messing with my head. I couldn't think straight; I'd been on high alert for days’ now, not even painting was offering an escape.
Ruth closed the window behind her, where she'd apparently heard everything I'd said to Kate. I hated myself for hurting her. Anger had taken over, stopping any chance of a rational fucking thought process. I still wasn't entirely sure what or who I was more angry with.
‘She's not to blame. How could she be? Stop projecting your anger at her,' Ruth replied as if she had read my thoughts. Fuck, maybe she could. We'd been seeing each other for counselling sessions for years; she knew exactly how I worked. The only other woman who knew me that well was Kate.
‘Sit down. It’s too fucking distracting watching you pace about. It’s not helping my nerves. They’ve been on a knife edge since—’
‘Since you left the only woman you’ve ever loved,’ she replied, her voice raised but controlled. I looked to the floor; afraid she’d see the truth.
‘I don’t love her.’
‘Don’t lie to me.’ She saw straight through me every fucking time. ‘Why are you sabotaging this, Danny? You could be happy for the first time in your life. Why do you feel the need to constantly mess it up?’
‘I didn’t mess up. Life fucking messed up. Again! I should have known this wouldn’t work out. There’s too much baggage between us. Everything was too good. I don’t deserve good. I don’t deserve anything.’
‘Danny! For goodness sake, that's complete rubbish and you know it. We've come too far to go back to that. I understand it's a shock and I knew you'd do the usual Danny coping skills thing of running, but I only thought you'd run until you processed it all. I never thought you'd run and never come back,' Ruth said, clutching at her necklace.
‘I know it doesn’t make sense. None of this is her fault, never will be, but I can’t get past it. I just can’t,’ I said, stretching out my hand and closing it into a fist.
‘Danny, look at me,' Ruth pleaded. I finally built up the courage to meet her eyes. ‘This isn't fair on Kate. She needs to know.'
‘How the fuck do I tell her? It’s better if I just go. Leave her alone.’
Ruth frowned. I hated that she was disappointed in me again. We'd moved past that point in our relationship. Before this, all she could see were the good things that had started to come into life: my painting skills, my ability to win the battle of my addictions, and my mentoring skills to other addicts. I didn't want to go back to the disappointments, but as I looked at her, I saw the darkness there again.
‘Kate's a wonderful girl,' she said. ‘When I realised there was something going on between you, I was ecstatic. But now…' She sighed and closed her eyes for a second. ‘The light in her eyes has disappeared. The woman I adore has changed. She's dying inside. She was so alive and positive—’
‘I've seen her more alive than anyone,’ I raged, standing up and leaning over the desk. ‘You don't have to tell me that I'm killing her.’
Ruth stood forward and met my stare. ‘Tell her. Go now. Do the right thing. You deserve happiness, Danny. The sooner you realise that, the better.'
I pulled back, unable to fucking breathe. ‘I can’t deal with this. I need to get out of here.’
‘Don't run,' Ruth said as she edged around the desk, tentative as to what I'd do next, like I was a snapping, raging dog looking to bite. Then I saw it. Kate’s handwriting on the whiteboard. My last message had been wiped off and in its place she had written: You deserve to be loved.
I doubled over, hiding my face with my arms, the agony too much to show. I needed her. I couldn’t live without her, but how could I go back?
‘Tell me what to do, Ruth.’
‘Tell her. You owe her that.’
Chapter Thirty
‘This is a shock,' Doris said as I signed in to the book club. I'd made the decision that although Danny wasn't in my life anymore, I still wanted to keep the spark alive of everything he had encouraged in me. Part of that was meeting challenges head-on, and nothing was more challenging than showing my face at book club after a split from the town hero and a five-month absence.
After talking it through with Mum on a rainy afternoon, I decided I needed to go for it. I was labelling it as cathartic. Necessary. Slightly messed up.
‘I have a lot of books to catch up on,’ I trilled, my voice high on nerves.
‘Yes, dear; let's get you a cup of tea and we can get…reacquainted.' Oh heck, code word for I need gossip. I started to question why I’d decided on this expedition. Seemed like a good idea sitting in the flat but now I wasn’t so sure. The whole test yourself and your limits was beginning to sound like utter rubbish. I couldn’t help but let my mind wander to the last time I was here. I was navigating my way around a flaccid penis attached to the even more flaccid personality of Steve. I’d just read and reviewed Lifespan of a Venus Flytrap. I’d just finished a baking course taken purely so that I could bring a stellar Victoria sponge to the quarterly allotment meetings just to feed the desperate need in me to be liked, accepted and valued. I wore demure necklines to ensure I didn’t offend anybody, and I took home a CD of Classic Brass Band Anthems from Mr Wilson after I untruthfully told him I liked his taste in music. Oh, how times had changed.
‘So, lovey, what have you been up to since I saw you last?’ Oh balls, code words for I’ve heard you’ve been exploring your sexuality at orgies and riding naked on the back of a motorbike, hanging off
a tattooed sex God.
‘Well, after Steve and I split—’
‘Oh, that was an awful time for him. He was heartbroken. Really. He didn’t tend to his cabbages for weeks. Lost them all to slugs.’
‘I’m sorry to hear that,’ I replied, trying to maintain a straight face.
‘He’s fine now. Met a lovely girl at a flower arranging course he went on.’ So that was why I hadn’t found a box of vegetables on my doorstep for a couple of months.
‘Good for him. He’s lovely but not for me,’ I smiled.
‘Yes,’ she drew out. ‘I’ve heard your taste in men has changed quite considerably.’
Here we go, Kate. Take a deep breath.
‘Really? Where did you hear that?’
‘Steve,’ she replied with a judgmental stare. ‘I was shocked, truly I was. I didn’t think you were the cheating type.’
‘I didn’t cheat.’
‘I’m not judging, lovey. I was just shocked. You seemed so…nice,’ she said, her face pinching together in concern.
‘I didn't cheat on Steve, and I'm still nice, thank you very much. I just got to the point where I knew we weren’t suited. I wanted more out of a relationship. I wanted…love and passion,’ I smiled as good memories came back to life. ‘Also known as kidney shivers.’
‘Kidney shivers? Oh lovey, that's for the films, not real life. Steve is a nice, well-rounded young man. He would have provided you with stability, routine, a normal family life. Nothing unexpected. Just a very secure life together. What more could you ask for?’
I stared around the room and watched the scene in front of me. There were some women much older than me wearing twinsets and pearls, drinking tea from china cups they had brought from home. A couple of younger girls, probably my age, were leafing through the next book to be discussed. I couldn't see the title, but it looked like a how to guide to knitting. They had their legs crossed, thick black tights covered their legs, and sensible shoes were on their feet. An elderly couple was standing by the door. He was pulling a shopping trolley, and his wife was writing something down; I assumed it was a shopping list. He looked bloody miserable, and she didn't look much better herself.
I glanced at Doris beside me; her thick wrinkles and drawn on eyebrows made me wince. I suddenly felt ridiculous that I had even considered coming back here in the first place. I was trying to prove to myself that I had changed. I wanted to validate that I wasn't the same person that I was before. I didn't need to come here to confirm that. It rang like alarm bells every time I moved my body.
‘I’m wondering if you’ve come back here in the hope of snagging Steve back,’ Doris smiled politely. ‘Such a catch. You lost out there, lovey.’
‘I'm sorry, but the thought of life with Steve makes me want to staple my tongue to my upper lip.'
‘I’m sorry; what did you say?’
I smiled as I stood and slung my bag over my shoulder, pulling my ponytail out and shaking my long brown hair until it fell in waves over my shoulders. ‘I don't mean to be rude but I can't think of anything worse. Security, stability, two point four kids, a detached house in the village, weekly book clubs, weekends full of the demands from the allotment, mediocre sex if, and I’ll say it again, if he can get it up.' Doris gasped, and the rest of the book club members were silent. ‘Give me passion any day. Give me recklessness, spontaneity. Give me full on bloody kidney shivers!' I said, raising my hands in the air. ‘I've tasted it, and it's astounding!’ I walked over to the girls, who were smiling in awe, and took a book out of my bag, handing it to them as they smiled widely. ‘Girls, read this.’ It was a favourite of mine. Ride Me or Die. ‘You should be reading romance, thrillers, crimes, bloody erotic fiction. Put that knitting book in the bin, hoist those skirts, wear high heels, bin those tights and replace them with hold ups.’ They giggled as I backed towards the doors. ‘Read widely and without shame. Set up your own book club that has wine and cake and a bloody good laugh with women your own age, because if you end up with a Steve clone from the village, you’re going to need it!’
I stepped outside and felt the fresh, autumn air hit my face. I bent over and started to laugh uncontrollably. I'd never felt so free. I felt like the burden of holding in my true self, my feelings, my values, opinions, preferences, and everything that made me who I really was, was starting to tumble out of me at a frightening speed. His words spiralled in my head. ‘You don't need to please everyone. You don't need to pretend to be what everyone wants you to be. Just be you. That's enough. More than enough. Can’t you see that?’ Danny Benedichi had long left me physically, and that was a heartbreak that I'd never fully recover from, but he was still with me emotionally. He was like an echo. Everywhere I went, I heard his voice, saw his face, felt him near me. His presence left its mark on me in so many beautiful ways that the heartache I tried to bury every morning when I opened my eyes would always be worth it.
More than worth it.
Chapter Thirty-One
It was my first night back at the centre since Danny had left me sobbing in the car park six weeks ago. Ruth understood my need to have a clean break for a while. The place held so many memories that I struggled just to think about it let alone set my foot through the door.
Ruth met me on a few occasions over coffee and asked me to attend the last two art therapy classes on Thursday evenings as a way of getting me back in. She assured me that Danny hadn't been back to Goldenwell's since the car park heartbreak we don't talk about anymore. I knew she was seeing him away from the centre, and a part of me was pleased that he was keeping up with his counselling. Another part of me hated that he wouldn't come back because he thought I was still volunteering here. She told me he was OK. I was thankful because she didn't have to do that, but I knew there was another dimension to the story. I could see it in her sad eyes every time she offered me a glance, which was becoming rare.
I parked my car and refused to look at the spot where Danny's bike had been parked, choosing just to direct my stare to the doors. That way, I would eventually make it inside. The old Kate would have stayed away, but this Kate wanted me to push through and hold my head up high.
As soon as I opened the doors, I was met with a young blonde woman sitting on a chair in the hallway. Her blonde curls were covering her face; her head was bent as she scrolled through her phone. As soon as she looked up, I knew it was her.
‘Oh fuck,' she said as she yanked on her earbuds, making them fall to her lap. ‘I've waited here most nights to see you, but now you're here I don't know what to say.'
‘I have nothing to say to you,’ I replied, my heart speeding up.
She held out her hand, which I ignored with a cold stare. ‘My name’s Melissa. I’m Danny’s cousin,’ she said as she screwed her face together waiting for my response.
I wasn’t sure what to say to this pretty blonde woman with an expression of guilt. She’d been catalogued in my mind as an enemy, someone I would never forget and hoped not to see again. Being told she was Danny’s cousin completely threw me. ‘Sorry, can you say that again?’ I asked.
‘I hated what he did to you that day.’
‘I thought you were…together.’
‘I know. I should have broken his nose for doing that,’ she muttered.
I dropped my bags. ‘You’re his cousin. The one he stayed with after…your mum must be his Aunt?’ She nodded briskly. ‘Just give me a minute. I’m trying to work all this through in my head.’
‘Can we talk? I know this must difficult, but I'd love to get a coffee,' she said, pointing her thumb to the kitchen. As we walked through, Ruth caught my eye. She was smiling and nodding, and something told me I was finally going to get the truth, an explanation, anything that would tell me what had gone wrong.
‘I’m a bit confused,’ I said as I filled the kettle. ‘Why did he make it look like you were together?’
She sighed deeply. ‘He wanted to hurt you.’
‘Why?’ I gasped, shocked at her admission.
‘He wanted to make you hate him so much that you'd never want to see him again. He's purposely pushing you away,' she replied, grabbing milk out of the fridge. She was familiar with the place and had obviously been here many times before. I started to wonder what her story was and if it was similar to Danny's. ‘I saw what it did to him afterwards. I want you to know that he wishes things could be different, but he's so fucking stubborn,' she said, shaking her head.
‘Hold on. I need to break this all down. He used you to make me think he was seeing someone else? He’s hurting and wishes things could be different?’ I repeated.
‘Yes.’
‘Then why doesn’t he get in touch? Whatever it is, I’m sure we can work it out,’ I pleaded.
‘It's not as simple as that,' Melissa replied as she stirred her tea. ‘There's so much more you need to know, but I promised him.'
‘I don’t understand.’
She blew out a breath and stared at her cup. ‘You have more in common than you think.’
‘Like what?’ I asked, unable to make any sense of what she was saying to me.
‘The last night you were together, you went for a bath, yes?’
I thought back to that night and nodded. ‘Yeah, just before he left.’
‘What did you think he was doing when you were in the bath?’
I sighed and suddenly I was hit with an inevitable ache, my thoughts clashing and colliding. I had to stand to pull in some air to my body as I felt it shutting down. He had started to read my background information report. Suddenly the air rushed from my lungs. ‘Oh God, no,' I said as I began to breathe harshly, grasping at my top and pulling it away from my neck.
‘Fucking hell, sit down,’ she said as she pushed my shoulders down to sit me on a chair. She started circling my back with her hands and repeatedly told me to breathe.
Let Me Be Your Truth Page 20
