by Jen Doyle
“I don’t know how to do this,” she finally managed to say. “I don’t know how to sleep with you and still have you be my friend.” Because that, above all, was the most important thing.
“Is that what we’re doing here?” he asked after the most awful pause ever. “Sleeping together? Because I’ve slept with a hell of a lot of women and it was never like this.”
Another thing she should be happy to hear, yet all she could do was clutch the armrest and say, “I’m afraid I can’t be what you want me to be.”
She could feel the air around them change. It took a minute before he asked, “Is that your way of saying we’re calling it quits?”
Now it was her turn to go still. No. That wasn’t what she was saying at all, even though it would probably be for the best. But being with him was the one thing she was sure of; she just didn’t know how to make it fit with everything else. “Is that what you want?” she whispered.
He draped his arms over the steering wheel and leaned forward. Keeping his distance, yet saying, “What I want is to call you my girlfriend.”
The air rushed out of her lungs. She felt like she was being torn in two. All the pieces she’d taped up together, her little Humpty Dumpty of a soul, actually breaking apart.
“Oh, Angel,” he sighed as he turned to her, reaching out and putting his hand in her hair and making it all that much worse. He couldn’t be so tender. He couldn’t love her. “Why does that scare you so much?”
The tears finally fell. They had nowhere else to go. “I don’t know.”
Except that was a lie. Possibly the first one she’d ever told him. She just wasn’t ready to admit she needed him. She could barely admit it to herself, much less to him.
His hand went down to her waist and she felt the seatbelt release, felt herself being lifted up onto his lap, something that should have been physically impossible to do. But she didn’t question it because even with her fighting against it with everything she had, it felt so right to lean her head against the solid and warm wall of his chest.
“Babe,” he said, his voice catching.
Tightening her arms around him in a desperate attempt to hold on, she said, “Is it really different for you? Being with me?”
It took him a few minutes to answer, and when he did his voice was quiet. “It really is.”
She took a deep breath. He meant so much to her. No matter how much that scared her she could at least admit that much. “How do you do this? How can you believe?”
He didn’t answer right away. When he did, his voice was as ragged as she felt. “Because I know what I feel is so strong there’s nothing that would stop me from fighting my way back to you. No matter what stands in our way.”
That made her cry all over again.
Because she couldn’t do this. She didn’t trust this.
But she couldn’t let him go.
“What if we did this in baby steps?” she asked, practically giving herself a panic attack as the words came out of her mouth. But the thought of losing him was even worse. Losing the part of him that no one else knew she had.
Well, not no one...
She raised her head. “Like maybe we could have dinner with Dorie and Nate. Kind of like a double date.”
When he didn’t answer right away she was afraid she’d gotten it wrong. Maybe he was just talking it all through because they were, actually, friends. But then he brushed the hair back off her forehead and a wicked look came into his eyes. “Can I kiss you in front of Nate and make him want to tear my head off?”
Never would she have thought she could end one of the most draining evenings of her life with a laugh. But she did. “No tongue.”
“That, my friend, is a deal.” He shifted and placed her back in her seat, saying, “Let’s go home.”
Chapter Twenty-Eight
It was easier than she’d ever expected. They had Dorie and Nate to dinner at Deke’s one night a couple of weeks later. Fitz’s first official baby step. With Deke stealing amused glances at her from over by the stove, Fitz buzzed around the room rearranging things and probably resetting the table four times.
“Not sure why you’re bothering,” he finally said. “Nate will probably try and knock me around a few times, and then I’ll go all MMA on him and it will all get messed up anyway.”
Sure enough, when Fitz opened up the door before they’d even rung the bell, Nate was basically hissing at Dorie, “The second we get home you’re naked. That’s the only reason I’m here.”
Now hold on a minute. Fitz folded her arms across her chest. “Why are you allowed to say that to her but I’m not allowed to say anything like that about—?”
She snapped her mouth shut when Nate turned to her in full-on glare mode.
With a sigh, Dorie gave Fitz a hug. “It’s like some big brother handbook. Word for word.” She took Nate by the hand and pulled him inside Deke’s condo before planting a kiss directly on his lips. The fact that he was still glaring down at her didn’t faze Dorie one bit. “For Fitz’s Christmas present this year, I’m going to make sure to get her in the same room with Tommy and Sean while they’re giving you hell.”
Although Nate hadn’t kissed Dorie back, he smiled. “And what’s my Christmas present?”
Reaching up, Dorie placed her hand on the back of his neck and drew his head down. “I’ll make up for every single minute of it in whatever way you want.”
“Oh, for heaven’s sake,” Fitz muttered. She hadn’t been kidding when she’d told Deke Nate and Dorie were possibly the only two people in the world she truly believed were that much in love. But it wasn’t something she needed to witness firsthand.
With a smile, Dorie broke away and went over to Deke, handing him a bottle of wine before giving him a hug, too. “I am so happy to be here tonight.”
Smiling down at her, Deke said, “Well, I am very happy to have you here. But we’re going to whip your asses in Trivial Pursuit.”
Which was genius, of course. Because no matter how unhappy Nate may have been, the man was physically incapable of ignoring a taunt like that. After a lingering look at Fitz, Nate turned to Deke and smiled. “Bring. It. On.”
It was one of the happiest nights of Fitz’s life.
There hadn’t been much time for any more baby steps after that, with Fitz traveling more often than not with her newly expanded Iowa Dream Foundation duties. It helped keep her mind off what was happening with Sam’s job—or not happening, since she’d heard absolutely nothing further. It probably wasn’t a good sign that she was seeing the man fairly often as their paths kept crossing and he’d said not one single thing. Doug kept assuring her these things took time so she shouldn’t worry. Nate, whose team was now heavily into the race for first place, mostly shrugged it off, and Dorie just commiserated, pointing out that no news was good news since there were no hard decisions to make. Or conversations to have.
True. And Dorie’s outlook allowed Fitz to exist in this strangely happy state that was almost too much to wrap her head around. Lola had found a college student to help out with the boys, so whatever time Fitz did have in Inspiration, she spent with Deke. Since he was crazy with things at the bar, most of that time was spent there. She’d bring her laptop so she could do work as she’d watch him go about his night, totally in his element, back to his happy-go-lucky self.
It did surprise her no one had called them on anything yet, because it seemed to her they were more, well, together. They were still officially a secret, but the looks he gave her practically set the room on fire as far as she was concerned. And although they were careful about it, there was definitely some inappropriate touching. One night, with all their friends right there in the bar, they’d even done it on the desk in his office. She’d been helping him design a new website and he’d had some bills to pay and, well...
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br /> “You do realize every time you smile like that it makes me want to kill him a little bit more,” Nate said from the driver’s seat, reminding Fitz that, yes, maybe it was time for the next baby step.
“Will you be here for poker night next week?” she asked, ignoring his statement as the Mustang pulled up in front of Deke’s building. “I think it’s time to tell Wash and Jason about Deke and me.”
It was midnight, and no one knew she and Nate would be back tonight. The Watchmen had clinched their division, though, so Nate had an unexpected day off. He’d agreed to drop her off even though he wasn’t happy about it, knowing full well what would happen the second Fitz was inside Deke’s loft.
“Honestly,” Nate muttered, looking at the building in front of them. “How does Jason not already know?”
Noise cancelling headphones, Deke had told her one night—or, rather, breathed into her neck. Jason would put them on whenever he heard the doors open up at night, apparently.
But Fitz wasn’t about to tell Nate that because, well, it was Nate and that was TMI. But also because he’d use it as an excuse to remind her that Deke had a history of middle-of-the-night visitors that Jason had been dealing with for years.
So she just shrugged.
As she started to reach for the door handle, Nate said, “He’s going to offer you the job.”
Her thoughts on seeing Deke, it took Fitz a minute to realize what Nate had said. “I’m sorry?”
He turned to look at her. “Sam. He told us this morning.”
Fitz’s mouth dropped open as she turned to stare. “But... I mean...” Her heart, which had come to a sudden stop, started hammering. She wasn’t... She wasn’t even close to ready. “There’s supposed to be an interview. I’m supposed to meet everyone. Answer their questions.”
Wasn’t she? That was how these things were supposed to work, right?
Nate laughed. “He’s been interviewing you for the past month and a half, Fitz.”
“No,” she whispered, shaking her head. “I was working.”
Nate raised his eyebrows. “Didn’t it occur to you that you were seeing a lot of Sam?”
“Well, duh.” And some other majorly high-profile people, but whatever. “Because he’s interested in investing in our foundation.”
“No, Fitz,” Nate said gently. “He’s interested in you. He had three other people in mind and never got past a first interview.”
Fitz’s eyes flew up to the windows of Deke’s apartment. She’d been dreading telling Deke she’d be on the road for six weeks straight. How was she going to tell him she was about to be offered a new job? A job she hadn’t even told him she’d applied for—that she’d actively sought out. And deliberately kept from him.
“You couldn’t have mentioned this before?” she asked, almost crying.
“I didn’t want to freak you out,” Nate said, looking at her strangely. “Why are you freaking out now?”
She dropped her head into her hands. “Oh, God.”
It only took a few more seconds for Nate to read the signs. “He doesn’t know?”
Unable to speak, Fitz shook her head. “I thought I had at least a few more weeks. Sam said there’d be a formal interview.”
Well, that and because she knew she should have brought it up by now and Deke was going to be mad.
Really, really mad, even after she gave him what she felt was the perfectly sane explanation that the very existence of Sam’s foundation still wasn’t officially public.
And she hadn’t wanted to jinx it.
And she wasn’t even sure she was going to take it.
And, damn it, they hadn’t even been in a schmelationship when the whole thing started. And once they were it seemed too late anyway and she wasn’t good at sharing anything and how the hell was she supposed to know that this was a big thing—until all of a sudden it was—except she’d been dealing with a whole lot of really freaking big things all at the same time. Like high school secrets and talking about her father and falling in love with her best friend—even though she’d sworn to herself she would never ever allow herself to fall in love—and she wasn’t even equipped to handle one of those things.
She squeezed her eyes shut and leaned her head back against the headrest. Deke was not going to take this well.
“Is it better if I come in with you?” Nate asked.
“God, no.” That would be the worst possible thing.
“It will probably be fine,” Nate offered, not sounding any more confident than Fitz felt.
“Probably,” Fitz repeated, gathering the strength needed to get herself out of the car, up the stairs, and let herself in with the key Deke had given her. But the second she slipped between the sheets, he turned to her and said, “Christ, I missed you so much.” And then he had her clothes off and scattered every which way.
She put it off for another day.
By the time morning came, she felt sick to her stomach. Forcing herself to open her eyes, she rolled over, hoping for at least a moment to fully appreciate the man before opening up the ugliest can of worms ever. She sat up straight when she saw not just that he was gone, but that there was a note on the pillow.
Nate’s in town but I’m guessing you know that. Jason and I are meeting up with him at Wash’s. See you at lunch.
D.
P.S. Keys to the truck are on the hook by the door if you need wheels.
No, no, no. She fell back to the bed.
The rest of the morning took forever and she was completely useless at work. She texted him a few times, hoping he’d check his phone and come by her office before heading to the bar. But he generally turned his phone off when he was with the guys, knowing that anyone who needed to reach him could track him through one of them.
So not happening.
She counted down the minutes until it was time to head over for lunch, the weather not soothing her nerves one bit. The clouds were so thick they obscured the sun entirely, and the wind was enough to whip everything up into a frenzy. Nate’s pilot had told him they were getting in in time to beat the thunderstorms coming up through Kansas and Nebraska, but they’d be in for a rough couple of days. Freaking perfect.
Wash and Jason greeted her with big smiles when she got to the bar, Dorie with a hug, and Deke, who was actually taking a shift at the moment, with a head nod and grin from the other side of the bar. That Peggy had moved from her usual table to a barstool was just a minor irritation at this point.
“Not that I doubted you,” Wash said, pulling her attention away from Deke, “but you guys made the right call with Nate’s announcement. Guys I haven’t heard from in years have been hitting up my phone.”
That, at least, brought a genuine smile to Fitz’s face. As they’d planned, Nate had announced his retirement on Johnny’s show and within an hour of it airing, they’d fielded almost a hundred phone calls about the expansion of the foundation and the development of the academy, and that was just from people who had their direct phone numbers. Fitz had lost count of the number of Nate’s teammates who were interested in becoming involved, not to mention acquaintances of his, ranging from this year’s Oscar winner for Best Actor all the way to the lead singer of the band of the moment. Requests for information had reached into the thousands.
“Want to come to Miami with me?” she asked Wash now. So caught up in the job thing, she’d completely forgotten she hadn’t told Deke about her travel plans.
“You’re going to Miami?” Deke asked. He’d come over to their end of the bar and was fiddling with something under the counter. Although he wasn’t looking at her, she could see the tension in the way he held himself. The tight pull at the corners of his mouth and eyes.
“In a few weeks,” she mumbled. “I didn’t have a chance to tell you last night.” Given that both Wash and Jas
on were paying close attention, she tried not to blush in any way since the reason she hadn’t had that chance was because she’d been naked and underneath him and she had a really hard time talking to him once he got her clothes off. She tried to smile. “Want to come with?”
He straightened up and looked at her. “I could maybe get away for a couple of days.”
Which was...fine. He seemed a little tenser than usual, but, yes, mostly fine.
What she wasn’t ready for at all, however, was for Dorie to lean forward and say to everyone, “Wait, I thought Sam said you’d be heading to Boston with us.”
Deke’s eyes shot to Dorie’s and then back to Fitz. “You’re going to Boston? With Sam?”
Okay, yes. So that sounded...bad. “With Dorie and Nate,” she corrected. Maybe the thing about the new job was going to be worse than she thought.
But then, because Jason, though completely oblivious to so many things around him, also had an uncanny ability to see connections between things before anyone else even knew there was anything to connect, her entire life blew up in front of her.
“Sam?” Jason asked. “Sam Price? Holy shit. You’re up for that job, aren’t you?”
Feeling the floor drop out from underneath her, Fitz’s eyes went to Deke.
That was all it took.
When she opened her mouth to explain, he cut her off, saying, “You’ve got to be fucking kidding.”
“Deke,” she said, reaching out to him, not even caring how obvious it was. “I—”
“Don’t,” he said, cutting her off so sharply she jerked her hand back.
He grabbed something off the counter behind the bar and didn’t even glance her way as he said, “Josh, I’ve got to fix this hose. I’ll be back in a few.”
Her heart thudding in her chest, Fitz knew he didn’t want her to follow, yet she was off her stool and on her way to the back in a shot. The only problem was that Peggy was faster. And closer to the hallway Deke had disappeared down.
On her feet and heading toward them, however, Fitz stopped abruptly right before she turned the corner. What exactly was she going to do? Get into a catfight with Peggy in the back hallway of Deacon’s Bar and Grille? No.
