Not even sleeping. I just did that. But I didn’t dream about anything. Nothing that I can remember anyway.
No dreaming. Just sleep. Just nothingness for hours.
Just like how it is when I’m awake.
Morning routine time. {Aerosmith comes in with “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing.” No need to worry, Aerosmith. There’s nothing to miss.}
10:58 P.M.
In bed. TV on. My day is over. Class is over. Work is over. Routines are over. Awkward family phone conversations…hopefully over too.
A few calls today. Mom. Dad. Mel. Nothing asked. Nothing really said.
Mandy came into my room to check on me throughout the day. Just quick check-ins. Neither of us telling the other anything.
Jared sent a text. A picture forward-type thing. Some joke about Mondays being shitty. I kind of assume that Mel and Mom told him that this was all he was allowed to do. Only allowed to send me a quick text. They were probably afraid of what might come out of his mouth if he were to call.
They mean well. They all mean well. And I appreciate the lack of questions. I do. But when do they start treating me normally again?
When does Jared threaten to touch me after sticking his finger in his bellybutton? When does Melanie start discussing baby names with me? When does Mandy tell me what’s going on with Josh?
When does this numb feeling go away? When does life start to matter again? On what day?
Tomorrow? Next week? Next month?
On a special day? When I finish my master’s degree? When I start a PhD program? When Melanie has her baby? When Jared gets engaged?
Thanksgiving is coming up. Maybe then. Or on Christmas. Maybe.
{Madonna bounces in with “Holiday.” She—}
Wait.
It’s the end of October. Halloween is on…Saturday.
Halloween. Abby’s favorite holiday. We always spend Halloween together. Always. Every year.
That’s not changing this year just because everyone is treating me differently, because of, well, everything that’s happened. {Damien aga—}
No, Callie.
I grab my phone from my dresser.
New text. To Melanie.
Hey. Tell Abby that I’m excited about Saturday night. What time are you guys coming over?
Send.
{Madonna comes back in with her song, now—}
Buzz. Melanie.
Open.
We can come over around 5:45 p.m. Are you sure, Callie?
Write back quickly.
Positive.
Send.
Why not? It’s not like I’ll have anything else to do that night. And it’s not until Saturday.
That gives me four more days to not talk, not think, not feel—not do anything.
Chapter 13
should be the last day of therapy…day seven or twelve
TUESDAY. ANOTHER DAY.
Stupid poetry writing about stupid flowers. Stupid pregnancy paper final draft writing. Stupid glances at my closet. Stupid thoughts about the box inside.
{More Damien.} More time in bed staring at the ceiling. At the clock.
More calls from my family. More unspoken questions.
More stomach grumblings. Hunger pains.
At least I’m feeling something.
Chapter 14
wednesday
AND ANOTHER DAY.
Work. Homework. Routines. Calls. Staring. {Damien.}
I’m down two pounds today.
Not on purpose.
I’ve been eating. Eating little bits of the few things that I can find in the kitchen.
Eating after letting my stomach growl for hours at a time.
For those hours at a time, I remember that I can feel. That I can hurt.
That I’m here.
Chapter 15
thursday
YET ANOTHER DAY.
Another wake up. Another full schedule of class and homework and grocery shopping and routines and staring and family check-in calls.
Another pound lost.
{Another endless stream of Damien.}
Chapter 16
friday
JUST. ANOTHER. DAY.
{Nine Inch Nails. “Every Day Is Exactly the Same.”}
Chapter 17
saturday
SATURDAY AGAIN. 4:20 P.M.
Just got back from confession. Just crawled back into bed. Still in jeans and a Pierce hoodie. I’d rather be in pajamas. But I have to be dressed. Have to be ready to function. To talk. To engage. Abby and Melanie are going to be here soon for Halloween festivities.
I’m not ready for any festivities.
I’m not ready.
So I’m in bed. Making the most of my last hour and a half of nothingness. Staring at the—
My phone is ringing.
I slowly force my legs out of bed. I reach for the phone on my dresser.
Jared.
I put my body back in bed. I answer my phone. “Hey, Jar—”
“Callie, I know that we aren’t supposed to talk about Dr. Blake and everything, but it has been over a week, and I think you need to hear this.”
Wha—
“From what I can tell from all of the girl chatter going on around between Mel and Mandy and Mom, Dr., ah, Aiden, or whatever you call him, told you that he loves you and you just said all kinds of shit back and then he didn’t say anything so you thought it was over and left. Am I right?”
So concise. Jared summed up my little nightmare in one sentence. One enorm—
“Is that what happened?”
Well, it pretty much is, Jared.
“Callie?”
Mouth open. Throat clearing. “Yes.” Yes. That’s what happened, Jared. In your words.
“Well, of course the guy didn’t say anything to you. Dude tells you that he loves you and you don’t say it back. What else is there to say? Even if you said a million words to him after, if three of them weren’t the big I love you, what did you expect? You probably tore him the fuck apart.”
Tore him the fuck apart. Tore him the fuck apart. Tore him the fuck apart.
Oh my God.
I sit up straight in bed, holding the phone to my ear. My stomach starts to pound, starts to do something other than beg for food, for the first time in forever. My heart speeds up and—
You probably tore him the fuck apart.
Is it possible? Is it possible that he didn’t…doesn’t…know how I feel about him?
Is it possible that I tore him the fuck apart BEFORE I went into my ramble of confessions and revelations? Is it possible that he—
That he would’ve reacted differently if I’d responded with “I love you” first?
Stomach pounding. Head raging.
It couldn’t be that simple.
Couldn’t be. Can’t be. It—
“Callie? Don’t be mad at me. I just thought that it needed to be said. I thought maybe you needed to hear a guy’s perspective or, I don’t know, needed to hear something. I’ll stop talking about it now and let you go, but please don’t tell Mel I brought this up. She’ll get all mean and bitchy lawyer on me.”
I laugh. Sort of. It sounds foreign.
Mouth open again. “Thanks, Jared.”
“Feel better, Callie.”
We say our goodbyes.
Then I sit, still straight up in my bed. Still holding my phone.
Still trying to get accustomed to my heart racing, my stomach jumping.
And I think. A lot.
Jared isn’t Dr., um, Aiden. He isn’t Aiden.
And Aiden isn’t Jared.
But still…
Maybe Jared’s right.
Maybe I did screw up long before I started babbling about all of our problems.
Maybe I should’ve told him. Not just assumed that he knew. Knows.
Knows…
Heart racing. Stomach out of control.
If he didn’t know then, he doesn’t know now.
Those sad,
blue eyes find their way into my head. {So does Damien.}
He should know. He deserves to know. He—
My fingers get to work.
New text.
I love you. In case you don’t already know.
Now…
Now I just have to press the send button.
One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three.
One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three.
One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three.
One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three.
One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three.
One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three.
One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three.
One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three.
One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three.
One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three.
One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three.
One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three.
One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three.
One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three.
One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three.
One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three.
One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three.
One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three.
One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three.
One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three.
One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three.
One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three.
One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three.
One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three.
One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three.
One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three.
One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three.
One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three.
One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three.
One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three.
One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three.
One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three.
One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three.
SEND.
5:45 P.M.
It’s been a half hour. A half hour since I sent that text. A half hour of existing here in my bed.
Back to normal heart rate. Back to just hunger in my stomach. Back to otherwise numb.
But thinking. Still thinking.
A half hour.
It’s been a whole half hour, and he hasn’t responded.
But why would he respond?
He doesn’t need to tell me that he loves me. He already did. And he probably doesn’t feel that way anymore.
And he probably already knows, already knew, about my feelings. I mean, seriously, he can read my thoughts every single second of every single day. He couldn’t have missed something that bi—
BUZZ.
My phone is buzzing in my hand.
My heartbeat starts to quicken again. My stomach begins to flutter.
One. Two. Three.
I pull my phone up to my face.
And…it’s Melanie.
My heartbeat plunges back to normal. My stomach does the same.
Open text.
We are running late. We probably won’t be there until 6:00 p.m. now.
Reply.
Okay.
I’m sure that Abby is freaking out. Trick-or-treating starts at 6:00 p.m. And Abby doesn’t like to miss a second of—
My doorbell is ringing.
My heart starts back on an upward swing.
Maybe it’s him.
Doubtful, Callie. It’s probably just the murderers finally coming to get you.
It is Halloween. It’s probably just an early trick-or-treater dressed as a superhero or a pumpkin or something. Probably just a kid wanting candy. Early.
I remain in bed. My head on my pillow.
Maybe Mandy will get the door. Maybe—
Nope. I’m pretty sure that I hear…no, I definitely hear water running downstairs. Mandy’s in the shower. She’s not going to answer the—
BUZZ.
My phone buzzes. On my pillow. Right beside my head.
{Kelly Clarkson springs in with her “Heartbeat Song.”}
One. Two. Three.
Look.
{Kelly gets louder and louder.}
One message. From Unknown Number.
Please say it’s okay. That everything is okay. That you love me too. Please love me too. Please love me too. Please love me too.
One. Two. Three.
Open. With eyes closed.
One. Two. Three.
Open eyes.
Answer your door.
Chapter 18
halloween
THE DOOR. HE’S AT THE door. He’s here.
Thank you, God. Thank you, God. Thank you, God.
I try to convince myself not to be hopeful, not to—
My legs jump my body out of bed. I start moving downstairs.
Heart beating so fast. Adrenaline rampant. Limbs shaking. Head whirling. {Music blaring. Kelly. And Damien too.}
Everything alive. Awake.
Feet moving and moving and—
I stop abruptly when I reach the front door.
And I pray.
Please let it be okay. Let him be okay. Let. Us. Be. Okay. Please.
One. Two. Three.
Eye on peephole. And—
And he’s there. He’s here.
Nervous face. One hand running through his hair. The other hand clutching…flowers. Yellow roses.
He wouldn’t be holding flowers unless—
My hand flies to the doorknob, yanking the door open.
And…
And our eyes connect. Cling to each other.
His eyes. Anxious. Relieved. Hopeful.
Love. Love in his eyes.
Heart beating faster. Each breath I take coming more and more quickly. {Damien taking over completely.}
He—
He walks toward me, pulling me in to him. My face in his neck. His arms clenched around my back. His lips in my hair.
His cologne. His heat. His heart beating against mine.
Him everywhere.
I hear…I feel…the flowers slip to the floor behind me. I don’t care. The flowers don’t matter.
He matters. That’s all.
My body pressed against his. Hips against hips. Legs against legs. Lips against li—
“Callie, do you have the candy ready for—”
Mandy walks in. Only a few steps away from us. Surprised face. Open mouth. Eyes moving around rapidly. Seeing him. Seeing me. Seeing the flowers on the floor.
His arms stay around me. We both just look at Mandy. Faces close together.
An endless moment of silence.
Hearts beating quickly. Heavy breathing {Lifehouse singing “Hanging by a Moment.”} Staring at Man—
Mandy shakes her head, shaking the shocked look off of her face. “Oh, I was, um, just…” She pauses and smiles. A big smile. “I was just going to quickly finish a drawing of the, um, bananas in our kitchen before we go.”
A grin breaks out on my face. Because her excuse to leave the room is ridiculous. Hilarious. Drawing more stupid fruit.
Mandy holds my gaze, smiling like crazy, for another second. Then she moves toward the kitchen, yelling back to us. “Don’t forget—Abby and Mel will be here soon.”
Mandy disappears into the kitchen. But her words stay in my head.
Mandy’s right. Melanie. Abby. They’ll be arriving any minute for trick-or-treating.
My mouth starts to form words. “Abby. Melan—”
The words stop as I turn my face. As I turn to him. As I find my lips right in front of his.
He nods slightly. Lips moving a breath away. “They will be here soon.”
His lips part just a tiny bit. A sigh escapes from them. A blast of hot air on my lips. A rush of tingling through my—
“Then this will have to wait.” Another sigh. Another hot rush of air on my mouth. More ting—
“Somehow.” He whispers.
My head nods slowly. Not because it wants to. But because he is right. They’ll be here soo—
He pulls back slightly, one arm reaching up now to his upper jacket pocket. The other arm still clutching my waist.
My arms, my hands, stay with him. On him.
“I have something that I need to give you before they get here. Something that you need to have. Something that it’s time for you to have.”
Something to give me? More test res—
He pulls a square-shaped necklace box out of—
Jewelry ? A necklace? Why would he—
“This is why it took me a whole half hour to get here after I opened your text. I had to get this first.”
He holds the box out to me. I look up at him in confusion.
He had to get me jewelry before he came? Why? I didn’t get anything for hi—
My thoughts begin to spill out. “You didn’t need to get me—”
He shakes his head to stop me. “I did. You’ll see.” Now a nod. Big eyes. “Open it.”
His hand rubs the lower part of my back, and—
And heat flows through—
Callie! Open the freaking box.
Reluctantly, my hands, my arms, pull away from him. Away from his neck. Away from his chest. His hand continues to move back and forth over my back. Pushing warmth back and forth. Back and forth. Back and—
CALLIE.
I take the box from him. Still looking at him. My eyebrows scrunched together.
Another nod from him.
Okay. Eyes on the box.
One. Two. Three.
I pull up the lid of the box slowly, carefully, and—
And there is no necklace. There is no jewelry at all. Just a folded up piece of paper.
Forever Checking (Checked Series Book 3) Page 13
