by Joanna Blake
I should take a shower and get everything ready for her. But I couldn’t let her go. Not yet.
What if it was the last time she let me hold her? What if she was angry enough to really punish me? What if we had just made a baby?
What if she doesn’t want it?
Maybe, just maybe, it would be smarter not to say anything at all. That didn’t sit right either. It was tempting, so tempting, to let it go. She was so innocent and swept away that she might not realize what had happened.
She might not care.
I’d seen her with Mason’s kids around town and at The Jar. Cass’s little ones too. She loved them. She would be a natural at the motherhood thing.
In my gut, I knew I’d risked everything by letting myself slip. It hadn’t been conscious, but I couldn’t say I was sorry. I wanted a baby with her, more than anything. It was a primal urge. To mark her as my own. To make a life that shared her DNA and mine. The ultimate symbol of this thing that was happening between us.
So I held her, brushing her silky hair away from her face when she got restless and fighting my arousal and fear. I’d never really been scared before Kelly. Alert. Focused. On guard. But scared?
Never. Not even in the heat of battle.
Maybe that was because I’d never had something worth losing before. I’d never had anything as precious as the girl sleeping in my arms.
Chapter Sixteen
Mason
“Chili is on point tonight, Boss.”
“Thanks, Shorty.”
“It’s always real good. But this has that extra tongue tingler.”
“I may have gotten a little heavy-handed with the secret sauce.”
He just grinned at me and smacked his lips. I raised my hand and headed out to the floor. It was still early, and the dinner crowd was in. The Jar was getting to be more family-friendly every month, it seemed, though we still had bikers come by. Especially late at night. Maybe the place just reflected its owner.
Times have definitely changed.
Thankfully, there hadn’t been another homicide here since the last one. The one that had started it all. The killings, the fear. The extra security. The strange and uneasy truce between the Untouchables and Shane, the newest President of the Hell Raisers. It had also brought Cass and Connor together. Even dark clouds had a silver lining, if you looked hard enough.
I ducked into my office and sat down, quickly scanning the books and reordering supplies on my computer. I grinned at the crayon marks on my desk, from where Payton had gotten carried away doodling in those early days. I shook my head at the memory.
Michelle had been so upset, so worried when she saw what Pate had done. She didn’t know her little girl already had my heart on lockdown. They both had.
The truth was, I had been gone hook, line, and sinker from the moment I saw Michelle. I’d taken one look into her big, soulful eyes and sensed the sadness there. The depth. The brave and beautiful person behind them.
It had taken us both a while to figure that out, with us torturing ourselves to hide from the truth. But in my gut, I had known she had my heart from the get go. Even before I met her amazing kid. They’d let me love them when I’d been afraid to love anyone. It had taken two ladies so sweet that I just couldn’t help but give in. Those girls had sealed my fate the moment I realized they needed me almost as bad as I needed them. And I couldn’t be happier about it.
So, yeah, I liked the crayon marks.
Every time I sat down, I was reminded of my little girl. Cass might be my first daughter, but I’d formally adopted Payton. She was already my daughter in my heart, and now it was legal too.
Father’s Day was pretty much the best day of the year, in my humble opinion. Other than the girls’ birthdays. And Christmas, when I got to spoil them rotten. And Valentine’s Day, where my love wore frilly red and pink lingerie.
Yeah, that was pretty great too.
Now I had three little ladies at home and I couldn’t be happier. And my first, completely accidental kid was having babies of her own. Yeah, Cass was a mama now too. I was practically a granddaddy. Life was pretty much perfect.
Well, except for one little thing . . . what would have been a really big thing, if I hadn’t put the brakes on it.
My woman, my old lady, my much, much better half, was putting herself at risk and I couldn’t have it.
Michelle had this bee in her bonnet about having another baby. She scared the hell out of me with talk like that. Her last pregnancy had been risky as hell, with her blood pressure all over the map. I never wanted to go through that again. What if I actually lost her this time? She was determined, though, and breaking out the frilly nightgowns and lace panties all month. And I was having trouble controlling myself when she tried to talk me into going bareback.
There was nothing I loved more than going skin to skin with my gorgeous wife. So I’d taken care of it. I’d done something unthinkable to any sane person. Maybe even unforgivable.
I’d gone behind her back and gotten snipped. I knew she’d be mad at me. But I couldn’t risk her. I wouldn’t.
Even if she never forgave me when I told her the truth.
I sighed and grabbed my jacket. I rode back and forth to The Jar a couple of times a week. It was the only time I got to really ride these days. I’d even started making the chili at The Jar so I could get some time on the road. The rest of the time, I was on daddy duty in my sturdy SUV. Not that I wouldn’t give up my ride in a heartbeat for those girls.
I waved at Jaken behind the bar. He grinned at me and rolled his eyes as he fended off a couple of bar flies. He was a good-looking guy, especially in a place like this. Not that he was clean-cut, by any means. He was tatted and had a couple of scars that the ladies seemed to really like. And without me around, all the women on the prowl had turned their attention to him, cougars and young ones alike.
I definitely did not miss the bar crowd or being hit on constantly by waitresses. Being married had put a stop to some of it. Having Michelle around now and then put a stop to the rest.
No one who took one look at her would ever think they had a snowball’s chance in hell of getting my attention. She was so damn fine, it took my breath away every time I saw her.
I was spending a lot less time on the floor these days. Jaken was managing and working almost every day now. He took his money under the table. I never asked why. I’d trusted my gut on him a long time ago and never regretted it.
The man was running from something. A lot of the people who ended up here were. I just didn’t know what, and it wasn’t my place to pry.
Michelle had been running. Cass too. I never judged anyone for what they had in their past. So whatever it was, was his secret.
I put on my helmet, which was a new thing. I always made Michelle wear hers but I never even bothered with myself. Not until she’d told me how much it upset her. So now, I was a safety guy. I still rode fast but I was a little more cautious.
I valued my life. I hadn’t before. Not really. But I did now. Hell, I wanted to live to be 103 if I could, as long as she was with me.
Having a beautiful wife and kids will do that to a man. Show him he has something to live for. Something to show up for, for the rest of his life.
I was damned lucky and I knew it. I just hoped I hadn’t royally screwed up by going ahead with my plan. It’s not that I didn’t want her input on every single thing in my life. It’s just that risking her life because I couldn’t resist her bare pussy was out of the question. Even now, just thinking about her made me hard.
She was too fucking sexy for her own damn good!
I swung past the fancy organic market she liked on the way home. I picked up some wine and flowers. Everything was pesticide- and preservative-free. After all the health issues with the last pregnancy, we were all eating healthier. I even used home-grown peppers in my hot sauce. No nasty pesticides or artificial fertilizers. We used coffee grinds and eggshells. Payton was passionate about reusing stuff
. And she was even more vigilant about saving the bees.
My ladies had educated me quite a lot. I cared about what they cared about. It helped that they were both so smart and caring. They always did the right thing.
Except this damn baby thing. I steeled myself. The flowers and wine couldn’t hurt, but I knew I was in for an anxious evening.
If I was going to tell Michelle tonight, I was going to stack all the cards I could in my favor.
Chapter Seventeen
Michelle
“Wine and flowers?”
I gave Mase an uneasy look. I’d come outside to meet him and welcome him home with a grownup kiss. Pate always said ‘ew’ really loudly when Mase slipped me the tongue.
And he pretty much always went for the tongue.
“What did I do to deserve all this?”
Not that he never brought me flowers, but I was the one who usually picked up the wine. And this looked like a fancy bottle. I didn’t feel like I deserved a reward. The truth was, I’d been a bit cranky lately. Worried. I was anxious about everything, it seemed like. Payton. The state of the world. Even the damn bees.
Pate had told us in depth how long mankind would survive without bees. Just a couple of years before people would starve. It was pretty bleak. So now, we were all onboard with our little ‘nature girl’, as Mase liked to call her.
So, yeah, I was worried about a lot of big stuff. Little stuff too. But most of all, I was worried about giving Mason another baby.
What if I couldn’t conceive? What if I couldn’t carry to term this time? Would he still love me? It was a stupid thought but I couldn’t shake it. Logically, I knew he would, but I couldn’t bear the thought of disappointing him.
Tonight, we were going to start trying. He’d convinced me to put it off but I was as ready as I would ever be. I hadn’t told him my decision yet. But I couldn’t keep worrying about this forever.
“Just for being beautiful.” He kissed me softly. “And foolish enough to put up with my raggedy ass.”
I slid my arms around his waist to grab his cheeks through his worn-in jeans.
“I happen to like your raggedy ass.”
“Like?”
I blushed at the heated look he was giving me.
“Love. I love it.”
His eyes grew serious and he kissed me again.
“I love you so damn much, woman. Don’t forget it.”
“How could I? You tell me a dozen times a day.”
He just sighed and squeezed me again before letting go. We went in the house so he could say hi to Pate. She was doing her homework quietly in the kitchen while Delaney bounced up and down in her high chair in excitement. She always lit up at the sight of her daddy. She was the happiest baby ever born. I swear, she only cried once in a blue moon, and the moment she saw her dada, she perked right up.
I sighed as he pressed a kiss to Pate’s head and lifted little Delaney from her high seat. The look on his craggy face was pure joy mixed with a healthy dose of protective caveman. The man really, really loved his children.
He looked at me and I got hit by the very same love ray. But would that change if the baby thing didn’t work? What if I was just a big disappointment?
He wanted lots of kids. He’d told me before. Of course, he’d also said that I was enough, even if I hadn’t come with the other love of his life, little Pate. And that was before Delaney came along. Not to mention that his first ‘kid’ had recently made him a granddaddy twice over, more or less.
We ate a quiet dinner with the kids and tucked Pate in. She had a book in bed with her and one of those little bendy reading lights that clamped onto the edge of the cover. We had given up on keeping her from staying up reading, but we drew the line. She had to be asleep by eleven. That was late for a kid, but we had caught her huddled on the floor of the closet, reading at two AM once, so we figured we had to give a little to make sure she actually got some sleep.
I was tingling with excitement and nerves as I got ready for bed. I slipped on a sexy pink nightgown. It was short with a lace top that subtly showed what was underneath. I washed up, brushing my teeth and putting on the peppermint lip balm that Mason liked so much. He always said it made me taste like a candy cane.
“Jesus, woman, are you trying to kill me?”
I giggled and turned to see Mase standing in the doorway. He watched me as I climbed onto the bed and crooked my finger. But Mason didn’t jump on me like usual. He took a deep breath and I braced myself.
Something was wrong.
“I don’t want you to be mad.”
“What is it?”
I sat up and stared at him.
“I love you and I love our kids. More than anything.”
“I know.”
“I don’t want to make another one.”
“What?”
“I don’t want to do the baby making thing, Mich. I’m sorry.”
“You said you wanted lots of kids.”
“I do, if that is what we get. But I don’t need them. I’m more than happy with what we have now, but there’s plenty of love to go around if we want to expand.”
“I don’t understand.”
The look in his eyes was pure regret. He was about to hurt me and he knew it. I swallowed hard.
“I said I didn’t want to make any more.”
It hit me like a ton of bricks.
“With me, you mean.”
He nodded. Hurt flashed through me. He was trying to let me down easy. My husband didn’t want another baby with me.
“Yes. With you.”
I crumbled. It felt so personal. It felt like the worst kind of rejection.
I felt the bed shift as he sat beside me and took my hand. He tilted my chin up so I was looking at him. His eyes were shining.
“It’s not worth it, babe.”
“But—”
“Listen to me.” The look in his dark eyes was serious. I shut my mouth with a snap. “You are it for me. The only woman I will ever love. The only woman I have ever loved. I would fucking die without you, babe. And don’t forget it’s not just me. Payton needs you. Delaney needs you. And God help my selfish ass, but I need you. I would not . . .” His voice cracked with emotion. “I would not make it without you.”
I squeezed his hand and nodded. I couldn’t force him to try again with me. And to be honest, I was kind of relieved.
“Okay.”
He let the air out of his lungs with a whoosh.
“You sure? I’m happy to adopt again. I couldn’t love Pate more if I’d been there for her birth. Cass either.”
I blinked back tears. I’d been afraid to disappoint him. But he really didn’t seem to care if we couldn’t do it the old-fashioned way.
“I know you love Pate. I just wanted to give you another one.”
“Babe, I have way more than I ever expected out of life.” He kissed me and I sighed. “So much more.”
I was surprised as he ran his hands over my body.
“I expected to die alone, a cranky old man with axel grease and hot sauce for blood. Instead, I have an amazing family and a beautiful wife I can’t keep my hands off.”
“So, you still want to . . .?”
“Want to? Babe, are you kidding? This has been tearing me up inside. I need to.”
I sighed as he guided me back to the bed and started stripping.
“Are you going to get a condom?”
He shook his head.
“That’s the part I didn’t want you to get mad about.”
I sat up again, resting on my elbows.
“Mason St. James! What did you do?”
“I got snipped.”
My jaw dropped.
“When?”
“Last week.”
“That’s why you’ve been doing . . . other things?”
Mase had been spending hours with his tongue between my legs every night. It wasn’t out of the ordinary for him to spoil me like that, but he hadn’t tried to fuck
me in days. Now I knew why.
He nodded and slid his hand under my nightie. I wasn’t wearing panties. My head fell back as he gently toyed with my folds.
“You think I could stay away from you? Even with a broken dick, I want you.”
He was smiling softly at me when I lifted my head again. I had to scold him. He’d kept something from me. We’d promised each other not to keep secrets a long time ago.
“You should have told me.”
“I know.” He climbed on top of me. “But I would rather risk your anger than your life.”
Tears filled my eyes as Mason nudged his cock inside me.
“You did this for me?”
“I’m a selfish bastard,” he growled. “I knew I wasn’t going to be able to resist fucking you.”
“I can’t resist you either, Mase.”
My arms wrapped around his neck as he started to move inside me. It felt like magic, every time. My man knew exactly how to please me.
His beard tickled my throat as he kissed me, his tempo slowly increasing. We were making love, and there was no end goal except loving each other. It didn’t feel pointless though. I had been worried about that. It felt beautiful. Loving and little bit filthy. The same as ever.
And when we came together a little while later, I wasn’t thinking about making babies at all.
I was just thinking how much I loved him.
It was enough. We were enough the way we were. We were enough.
I slept soundly for the first time in months.
Chapter Eighteen
Kelly
I rubbed my eyes, not sure where I was for a minute. It was quiet and I was in an unfamiliar place. Then I saw the hulking man in the chair across from the bed, watching me. With a rush, everything came back to me.
