by Kyra Lennon
When I woke up on the morning of our journey to Paris, the excitement in my gut took on a whole new level. There was no way I could have breakfast, or even my morning coffee since I was sure it would have ended up down the toilet – and that’s just a waste of good coffee.
After hopping out of bed and getting dressed, I went to the kitchen and found Ellie and Drew eating full English breakfasts. I rested my hand on my stomach; the smell of fried eggs and bacon made me gag. Normally I’d have pulled up a chair and awaited my share, but there was no way I could handle it. No. Way.
“Morning,” Ellie said, standing up and heading for the grill. “Bacon? Eggs? Hash browns? Mushrooms?”
She was acting like the owner of a B&B, and I laughed at her enthusiasm. “Nothing for me, thanks.” I took a seat at the table. “Maybe in a little while, but right now I can’t.”
“You okay?” Drew asked, picking up a piece of toast and buttering it.
I nodded. “Just nervous, I think. I’ll be fine. What time did you say we’re leaving?”
“Not until half past nine. The train is at ten, and the plane to Paris isn’t until five-thirty.”
It was only six-thirty. Plenty of time to calm myself, shower, and re-check my suitcases. Actually, best not do that otherwise all Ellie’s hard work would be ruined.
“Okay.” I blew out a breath. “Sounds good.”
Ellie re-joined us at the table. “You sure you’re okay, Luce?”
“Ellie, come on.” I groaned. “Not you too. I stayed here to avoid this worrying crap. Please don’t be like Mum and Dad.”
“That’s not what I was doing. I’m your sister. You’re allowed to be more honest with me knowing I won’t try to change your mind. Unless… you’ve changed your mind…?”
“I haven’t. I’m just now realising how huge this is. Well, sort of. I knew it was huge, but now the day has arrived and it feels different. Real.”
“It’s still strange for us too,” Drew said. “Being on tour, travelling, meeting new people. But once you get out there, you get caught up in the moment, and it’s fun. Tiring, but fun.”
A smile began to spread across my lips. I’d been on the band’s previous tour bus, and it was kind of like a very compact home, filled with as many luxuries as can fit on an upgraded coach. There were books to read, and a TV to watch, and I was sure I’d seen some kind of games console in there. For my own entertainment, I had my iPad, laptop, and several notebooks and pens. Memories fade, and I wanted every single one captured so I could remember even the tiniest details. I also had my camera to take snapshots to go alongside my journal entries. I recalled Drew pointing out that we wouldn’t see much of most of the places we’d visit, but I’d vowed to do my best to capture as much as possible.
Blowing out another breath, I reached for a slice of toast, not bothering to butter it. I didn’t want to push my stomach too hard until I was sure I could handle it.
We sat in silence for a while, until Drew finished his breakfast, then he left the table for a shower. The atmosphere shifted in an instant as Ellie watched me across the table, her blue eyes wide with concern.
“Is this the part where you give me the big sister talk?” I raised my eyebrows.
She nodded, her dark hair falling in front of her face a little. “Yeah. As much as I want to be the cool sibling who lets you go without saying anything, I don’t think I can.”
I sighed. “Fine. Go for it.”
“This isn’t about telling you to be safe, and to never go anywhere unaccompanied. You’re not a child. I don’t need to remind you not to take sweets from strangers. But I do want to talk to you about Jason.”
Oh God. I’d hoped she wouldn’t do this. I knew she knew how I felt – everyone knew. Well, not everyone. I wasn’t sure my parents had figured it out, but Ellie and Drew were definitely aware. Ellie and I had only ever spoken about it in depth once, in a conversation that mortified me as Ellie told me she and Jason had had a brief relationship when they were much younger. Since then though, it was a silent thing. We knew, we didn’t discuss. What was the point?
My dating inexperience was a huge downfall, and kind of a source of embarrassment. I was the only one of my close friends who hadn’t had sex yet, and while I was mostly okay with that, it sometimes felt like a massive burden. Many people I knew saw virginity as something to get rid of as quickly as possible, but that wasn’t how I felt. I was happy to hold on to it until I found someone worthy of giving it to, but at the same time, it also kept me out of conversations sometimes. While my mates discussed size, stamina, and goodness knows what else, I had nothing to contribute, and I felt left out. It was a small price to pay for not having a lifelong regret, but when I combined my fears with my crush on Jason… I knew nothing could ever happen between us. Logically, I knew it anyway – sex wasn’t part of that equation. He was ten years older than me. A nineteen-year-old and an almost thirty-year-old? It just wasn’t plausible.
It didn’t stop me imagining it, though.
Closing her eyes, as if having this conversation tortured her, Ellie sighed. The truth was, she was the cool sibling, but she knew Jason better than anyone – even Drew. She wouldn’t relax until she’d said whatever was on her mind.
“Okay,” she began. “I know Jason means a lot to you. You know him better than a lot of people do, and you know his history. Not the media-hyped history, but the truth. I know that’s part of what makes you like him more. I’m scared you’re going to… I’m worried you’re going to rely on him too much while you’re away. You’ve always been closer to him than to Drew, but Jason… he’s unreliable sometimes. A lot of the time. He’s better than he used to be, and he’s happier now than he’s been in a long time, but ultimately, he’s still Jason.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Way to talk about your best friend, Ellie.”
She shook her head. “I know that doesn’t sound good, and I’m not saying those things to run him down. If you asked him, he’d tell you those things himself. He is my best friend, and he’s sweet, and caring, and a bunch of other things that people don’t realise. What I’m trying to say is… don’t let the way you feel about him make you cling on to him. If you need anything while you’re away, please, go to Drew. Talk to him. He’ll listen better than Jason ever could. I want you to have the best summer ever. I want you to experience band life, and meet the kind of people you’d never meet at home. I want you to see different places, and yes, I want you to have fun with the guys. Get lost in the moments, and see those people in a way most people never get to. Let Jason be someone you have a good time with, but don’t make him everything. You’ll get hurt, and I couldn’t stand to see that.”
My eyes prickled with tears, but I didn’t know why. Ellie had told me nothing I didn’t already know. Jason Brooks was not the most reliable person in the world, and I never had any intention of making him the centre of my universe, in spite of how I felt about him. Drew was definitely a safer bet if I needed someone to turn to, and I loved him for it. Hell, even Mack and Joey were safer options, and I didn’t know them nearly as well. They weren’t part of my family like the Brooks boys.
“Ellie.” I couldn’t get any other words out; I was sure I’d choke on them if I tried.
Ellie rose from her chair again and moved around the table to sit beside me. “I’m sorry.” She took my hand. “I know how hard this is.”
She did too. Because she used to be me. In this exact position. Actually, she was probably in a worse position because when she was crushing on Jason when she was a teenager. She had no idea what a mess he’d turn into. I was fully aware. That probably made me even more stupid.
“Thank you, Ellie. But I can handle this, I promise. I know how he is, and I would always go to Drew for help before anyone else. This thing with Jason… it’s not real. It’s a phase. A really long phase, but maybe going on this tour will cure it. Maybe once I spend so much time with him, I’ll feel different. Who knows, there might be a hot roadie with us t
o take my mind off him.”
Ellie smiled as she wrapped her arms around me and pulled me into a hug. “I hope so. Thanks for being so cool about me saying that, Luce. I didn’t want to be a pain in the ass, but… you know.”
I nodded. I was her baby sister. Just like I was Mum and Dad’s baby girl. That was something I could never change, even if I lived to be a hundred years old.
**
So much for excitement. We’d been on the train to Bristol for an hour and a half, and Razes Hell, the wild boys of the British music scene, were asleep. It wasn’t even lunchtime yet every one of them had passed out in their seats, leaving me to stare out of the window as the English countryside whizzed by. Perhaps it was the gentle chug of train that had sent them off so soundly. I was still too wired to sleep – and really – who falls asleep at that time of day? I was going on tour with a bunch of wrinklies!
I picked up my journal from the table in front of me, opening it up and tapping my pen against the blank page. Beside me, Drew gave a soft snore and I shook my head in amusement. Jason looked peaceful opposite me with his head against the window, and beside him, Joey’s mouth hung open. Mack sat in the seat just across the aisle, his head occasionally dropping sideways onto the disgruntled woman beside him.
It was too rock and roll for words.
Turning my gaze back to my blank page, I thought for a moment about what I wanted to write. It was so inviting, all that empty space to share my innermost thoughts, my experiences. I figured page one should be more of an introduction than anything. Nobody but me – and perhaps my family, depending on what spewed out of my pen – would ever see it, but this was a project for me. Something to be taken seriously, like an essay, or an exam.
When I was younger, I never knew the boys next door would one day be in a band big enough to tour the world. I never knew I’d be lucky enough to be invited on one of those tours. I never knew all those birthdays and Christmases we’d spent together would be something so many would envy. To me, they’re just Drew and Jason. The Razes Hell members are just people I know. And I know I’m lucky.
Right now is day one of a very long tour, and although the morning is barely over, I’m travelling to Bristol with four snoring rock stars. I know for sure one of them wasn’t out partying all night… although, for all I know, he could have been saying a very long, very physical goodbye to my sister. At least they were quiet about it, though! Mack was probably doing the same thing with his woman. Not sure about Joey. Jason? I’m pretty sure he wasn’t partying so I’m not sure what his excuse is…
It occurred to me that my ramblings weren’t quite the epic writings I’d planned, but it was early days yet. Things would get re-written, thrown out, scribbled on and screamed at before the journal was truly finalised.
Jason’s foot gently nudged against mine and I looked up to see him slowly raising his head and blinking. “What the hell? Was I asleep?”
Laughing as he rubbed at his forehead, I nodded. “Very, very asleep.”
“Fuck.” He stretched his arms forward as far as he could without hitting me then rested his hands on the table. “You sure you can handle us party boys on this trip?”
“You know, I was just wondering the same thing. It’ll be a struggle but I’ll do my best.”
He smiled. “Sorry, Luce. I’ll try to stay awake and keep you company.”
“It’s fine. I was writing anyway.”
Jason nodded towards the A4 hardcover notebook in my hands. “What are you writing about?”
“This. The tour. The things that happen, or things I’m thinking about.”
“Like a diary?”
My cheeks burned. “Don’t say it like that. I’m not a little girl writing about my hopes and dreams, and wishing for a handsome prince and a shiny new pony.”
“I didn’t mean it that way.” Jason leaned forward a little, shuffling in his seat. He didn’t laugh at me, and maybe I’d jumped to conclusions at the word “diary”. Diary makes me think of children scribbling their future husband’s surname surrounded by pink hearts, and complaining about who pushed in front of them in the dinner queue at school. “I think it’s cool that you want to keep a record of the tour. The only way we keep track of it is through tabloid headlines. It’ll be a nice change to have someone writing something real.”
When he smiled again, I relaxed and smiled back at him. “Thanks.”
He watched me closely for a moment then stood up, pulling his rucksack from the overhead storage compartment. He placed it on the table and rummaged inside until he pulled out his own A4 hardcover notebook.
“Is that a journal too?” I asked, eyeing him suspiciously, and he laughed.
“No. This is where I write my songs. Well, mostly. Sometimes they end up getting written on a napkin or something, if I have a good idea and I don’t have this with me.”
“I thought writers were told to always carry a notebook with them.”
He nodded. “They are. In reality, it’s bullshit. Nobody really does that.”
I knew this to be true. Not that I was really a writer in the same way Jason was. I wasn’t the kind who had a random flash of inspiration and needed to write it down immediately. That was something I linked more to authors, or poets, or musicians. My kind of writing happened when I felt like it. I could hold memories in my mind in vivid detail until it was time to write them down – I had no idea if this was normal. The problem was, I knew I wouldn’t remember the details forever, which was the whole point of the journal.
“Is there anything in there I can have a look at?” I asked, tapping the cover of Jason’s book.
“There’s not much in there. A few lines I jotted down, but they haven’t turned into anything yet.” He tilted his chin, gesturing towards my book. “Anything in there I can have a look at?”
My jaw dropped. “No! I mean, there’s not much in here either, but this is different. Eventually my private thoughts will be written in here. They’re not really for other people to see.”
Jason smiled. “You don’t think my lyrics are private?”
“Not if you plan to turn them into songs for the world to hear.”
“They’re still my thoughts, though. They’re still a part of me.”
I’d never thought of it that way. That his lyrics were a part of him. It was obvious, really. To write words that other people can feel, they have to mean something to the person who penned them. They have to reach into the souls of people who have never met him, and touch them the way whatever inspired the words touched him. Just because Razes Hell was a rock band, didn’t mean they didn’t write poignant lyrics. They even threw in an occasional heavy ballad now and again.
“In that case, you’re very brave.” I smiled. “Takes balls to throw your feelings out there like that.”
“Balls of steel.” Jason winked at me, making me laugh again.
This is going to be okay. I didn’t even blush at the mention of Jason’s gigantic steely balls.
Did I?
Eager to steer the conversation away from anything that might embarrass me, I asked Jason about his writing process, and as we talked, already I started to see another side to him and we hadn’t even left the country yet. In the past our conversations were usually silly and fun, or just plain basic since, when our families got together, there were always so many other people to speak to that we didn’t have time for much more.
I was in big trouble. Barely away from home and I was ready to disregard everything Ellie had said to me after one conversation with Jason.
Chapter 3 – Eiffel Tower Selfie
“Is this… it?”
Drew laughed as I dropped my suitcase and glanced around my room at the hotel that was to be our home for the next two nights. From the outside, it hadn’t looked so bad, but inside it was kind of… budget. Not that I had a right to complain; I’d paid for very little of the trip, but I’d still expected at least Premier Inn standards, even for somewhere inexpensive. The walls were an ugly
brown, as were the curtains. The carpet was clean but worn, and the amenities were basic in the extreme. There was a kettle and some tea and coffee sachets – nothing more. Not even a hairdryer, unless it was hiding in a cupboard somewhere.
“You were expecting The Ritz?” Mack asked as he peered inside.
“No. But… well, this is very… simplistic.”
“Welcome to the world of rock and roll,” Drew said, still laughing. “Are you going to be okay on your own while we find our rooms, and shower and stuff?”
I nodded. “Yeah, of course. I need to call home anyway. Mum made me promise to let her know when we arrived.”
“Give us say… an hour and a half,” Jason said, standing up on his tiptoes to see over the shoulders of Drew and Mack. “Then we’ll head out and find a place to party!”
I grinned, but Drew shook his head. “Nope. Dinner and an early night tonight.”
Jason rolled his eyes. “Alright, Mr Responsible, but you’re not killing our fun every night.”
“He’s right.” I looked up at Drew. “There has to be some partying on this tour.”
“There will be. But tonight we need to rest up because once we start moving, we won’t get much time for anything, including sleep.”
The tour schedule was pretty intense. Our next night off wasn’t for eight days, and in that time we’d be stopping in four different countries. And hotels? Forget it. Once we left Paris, we’d be on a tour bus. Glancing around the room again, mild panic filled me as I realised this would be the last night I’d spend in my own space for a long time. Maybe this place wasn’t so bad after all. Even with the drab décor.
“Okay, guys,” I said, suddenly desperate to get them out of my room so I could enjoy my freedom before it vanished for the summer. “Come get me when you’re ready.”
Drew smiled as if he understood, and placed my other suitcase on the floor. “See you in a while.”
The other guys said goodbye, and when I closed the door behind them, I leaned back against it and sighed. Life on the road was getting real already, and this was my first major moment of doubt since Razes Hell invited me along. Perhaps this was what my parents were worried about. That I’d get away from home and freak out because I hadn’t thought it through properly.
