by Kyra Lennon
“Where are you going?” I asked.
“I don’t know. Just away from here. I’ll call you in an hour, okay?”
With a weak smile, I nodded. Honestly, I couldn’t believe he was going to leave me there knowing how awkward it would be, but I understood why he had to go. I just wished I could go with him.
Jason kissed me on the cheek then practically fled out of the waiting room. I took a couple of deep breaths, reminding myself it was only for an hour. One hour and he’d check in with me, and hopefully he’d let me go to him.
“See?” Ellie said. “He left you. He left Drew. And this is a guy you want to be with.”
I rounded on her, eyes blazing. I knew I was supposed to be understanding,that she wasn’t thinking straight, but her words were downright out of order and I was done.
“I don’t know what the hell has been wrong with you for the last few weeks, but I am sick of it! Remember who was there for you last year when everything fell apart for you? Me. I was there when the press were hounding you, when you outright lied to cover for Jason, when Drew left you. I was there the whole time until you sorted things out. My repayment? You treating me like a child, and treating Jason like he’s an asshole for caring about me. You are way out of line for the things you just said to him. He was there when the bus crashed. He lived it. He saw his brother almost dead, and he lost one of his best friends. And one more thing to note. If it hadn’t been for all the drama, I would have been on the bus too. While you were ignoring my existence, maybe you should have considered that I could be lying in a body bag right now too!”
Tears rained down my cheeks as I realised how true that was. On shaky legs, I ran out of the room and somehow found my way to the hospital’s cafeteria. I wasn’t sure how I’d got there, but I found a seat in the corner of the large room, curled myself up on one of the plastic chairs and cried my heart out.
The stress of the last few weeks, the worry of the last twenty-four hours, the pain of feeling so distant from my sister and my mum poured out of me in body-wracking sobs. I cried for Drew, and for Mack, and for Michael, and for Joey, and for Jason because he was suffering, maybe more than all of us because while he experienced the same worries as the rest of us, his own guilt and the torment of being in the crash weighted down on him along with everything else.
I cried until I was out of tears and a dull pounding ached my head. I peeled myself off my chair and ordered another coffee; there was no way I wanted to even think about going back to the waiting room, so I spent the next hour in the canteen, waiting for Jason to call.
After an hour and fifteen minutes of no phone call, the uneasiness in my gut began to make itself known again. I hadn’t thought through what I’d do if Jason didn’t call me. Trying to think rationally, I realised we were in a strange place; it wasn’t like we were still in Munich and Jason would know where to score some cocaine if he wanted to. Maybe that wasn’t even on his mind, but the idea that it could be, because it was his go-to thing when times got rough, made my palms sweat. I pulled out my phone to call him, but it went straight to voicemail. I waited a few minutes, just in case he had temporarily lost signal, but still nothing. What I needed to do was go back to the ICU waiting room and check if anyone else had heard from him. It was unlikely he’d have called Ellie, but maybe his dad, or Joey. Just as the thought had formed in my mind, Joey entered the cafeteria and I jumped up from my seat. How was that for timing?
When he saw me, he walked towards me and I met him in the middle of the room.
“Lucy, are you okay?”
I shook my head. “Jason didn’t call, his phone’s off and I’m not sure what to do.”
Joey blew out a breath. “I thought this might happen. That’s why I came to see if you were still around.” He put his arms around me and gave me a hug. “We’ll go back to the hotel and look there, and if he isn’t there, we’ll… well, we’ll think of something.”
I nodded. “Okay.”
We headed out of the hospital and got a cab to the hotel. As Joey and I sat on the back seat, I tried to control the sick feeling that had curled itself in my stomach. Beside me, Joey sat, rigid, and I knew he was as anxious as me. In fact, it was probably worse for him because his family still hadn’t arrived, and he was very much alone since he’d lost his best friend. I suspected, much like Jason, he was still in shock and denial, and keeping himself busy was the best way he knew how to deal with it.
“How are you doing, Joey?” I placed my hand over his, and he turned his head from the window towards me.
“Tired and confused.”
I only just noticed how much darker the circles under his eyes had gotten in the past hour, and his skin was still void of colour. Seeing him that way was unsettling. He was the joker of the group, the one who was always carefree. He was rarely seen without a smile on his face, high on living the life he’d always dreamed of.
“I can’t believe any of this has happened,” he said. “One minute we were having the time of our lives, the next we were all in hospital and… Mack was gone.”
“I can’t believe it either. From the second Mum told me what happened it’s like I’ve been in some kind of bubble. I understand that this awful thing has happened, but I can’t seem to take it in properly. It doesn’t feel real yet.”
“I don’t think it will for a long time. Not until the funeral at least. Maybe longer.”
I’d never been to a funeral before, and the idea of it caused a shiver to run through my body. Joey turned his hand over in mine and gently squeezed; he must have felt my coldness.
“What happened after I left the waiting room, Joey?”
He sighed. “Lots of crying. I left and went to sit with Drew because I didn’t want to intrude. I’m sorry this has happened to your family. For what it’s worth, I don’t think any of it is necessary, and what you said was true. Things are falling apart but it could be so much worse. They could have lost you. We could all be dead. And I think Jason was right too. The way they’ve treated you has been shitty. And over what? A relationship that makes more sense than it probably should.” He chuckled softly. “It shouldn’t work. You know, the age gap, and all his issues. But anyone who’s seen you together will get it. More than anything, you’re friends, and no matter what happens, you’ll always have that.”
Why could Joey see that so easily but everyone else saw something dirty and disgusting? Why couldn’t everyone give us a chance?
“Thank you, Joey.”
He squeezed my hand again as the cab pulled up outside the hotel. After paying the driver, Joey and I climbed out, and my stomach churned. What if Jason wasn’t there? What if he’d disappeared; how would I find him when I had no idea where anything was, or what kind of places he might be? It could be as simple as checking nearby coffee shops, or as complicated as finding somewhere totally obscure, because he really didn’t want to be found yet.
As we entered the lobby, a woman of around sixty gasped when she spotted Joey, and she ran towards him, enveloping him into a hug, and leaving the woman at the reception desk looking a little perplexed since she’d obviously been checking her in. Joey collapsed into her arms. That was all it took for him to break down, and my eyes welled up – no matter how old a man gets, he always need his mum.
I gently rested a hand on his shoulder and jerked my head towards the lift to let him know I’d be okay to look for Jason on my own. He nodded, and I left them alone.
The slow rise to the fourth floor seemed like an eternity as my heart thudded harder, hoping and praying Jason would be in his room. In his room, and okay. My feet picked up pace and I ran along the corridor, and when I reached number four-forty-three, I knocked on the door.
“Jase? Jase, are you in there?”
I took in a long, deep breath and waited. Only a few seconds passed before he opened the door and pulled me inside, pressing me to him. Relief made my limbs weaken, and I melted against him.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered as he buried
his hand in my hair. “I’m sorry.”
I breathed him in, like I’d been away from him for years instead of an hour, and held onto him in a way that let him know I wouldn’t let go. “What for? You have nothing to be sorry about.”
“I shouldn’t have left you there.”
“It doesn’t matter. I didn’t stay. I yelled at Ellie then left. I sat in the canteen and waited for you.”
Jason placed his hands on my cheeks and gently moved me back a little so he could look in my eyes. “I’m sorry about that too. I know I was supposed to call, but-”
I shook my head to cut him off. “It’s fine. As long as you’re okay.”
“I’m okay.”
He gently pressed his lips to mine, and we went to sit on his bed. I kicked off my shoes before we snuggled up the way we had earlier.
“Nobody has called me since I left the waiting room,” I said as I rested my head on Jason’s chest and he curled his arm around me. “But Joey came back to the hotel with me. When we arrived, his mum had just got here.”
“That’s good. He needs some time away from the hospital. I’ll call Dad in a while and see how things are, but I’m not ready to go back yet.”
“Me neither. I just want to be here with you.”
The two of us sat in silence for a while, both of us lost in our own thoughts. I was jetlagged as hell, and it was getting close to what should be bed time according to my body clock, but my mind was still racing too much for me to fully relax enough to sleep. There was too much tension, and too much to worry about.
Jason’s hand slipped into my hair, gently curling the ends around his fingers, releasing them, and starting again. I shuffled a little higher up the bed so I could touch his lips with mine, and he moved his hand to my cheek then slowly down my neck to my shoulder, leaving a trail of tingles in its wake. After the events of the last twenty-four hours, and the last few weeks, being back in Jason’s arms was pure heaven. Nobody else mattered in that moment. Jason’s eyes stared deep into mine. Without words, I tried to convey everything I felt, everything I wanted. What the hell was I waiting for? In seconds, lives had been lost and lives had been changed. I was sitting with the man I’d loved for years but I could just as easily have been sitting in the hospital beside Ellie, waiting to find out if he’d pull through, or worse. I could have never got the chance to see him again.
“Luce,” he whispered, his fingers moving into my hair again as his eyes darkened a little. “It’s too soon.”
“Why?” I asked, my voice soft. “Why is it too soon?”
“You know why. And I promised you we would take this slowly.”
“We’ve been sensible, Jase. So far, we’ve done what was right, even when it wasn’t what we wanted. Everything we’ve done has been to make everyone else happy. What about us? What about what we want?”
Jason’s hand slipped around to the back of my neck. “We’ve got time, Lucy. We don’t need to rush this. I made a promise to you, and I’ve broken so many promises. I don’t want to break my promise to you.”
“What if I want you to? What if I want that, you, more than I want you to honour your promise?”
My heart began to pound in my chest because I knew why he was struggling. I knew I was putting him in a difficult position because for the first time, maybe in his whole life, he was willing to stand up for something. For me.
“What if you regret it, Luce? What if you think you’re sure right now, but later, you regret it, and you resent me for not doing what I said I would?”
The worry in his eyes told me everything I needed to know. How could I regret being with someone who was willing to put my feelings first?
I pressed my lips against his again. “Never going to happen. But if you… if you really want to wait, if you don’t-”
“Lucy. I want you. Don’t ever think I don’t. But this is a big deal for both of us, and especially for you. I’ve been a selfish prick my whole life. If we’re going to be together, and stay together, I don’t want to be that way with you.”
“All I need from you is honesty, Jase. And you’ve given me that every step of the way. I’ve never felt as close to any guy as I feel to you. I’ve never wanted anyone as much I want you.”
Jason closed his eyes for a moment, letting out a slow breath. “I’ve never been with anyone I’ve cared about as much as I care about you. And I know I sound like a total pussy right now, but fuck it, you want honesty?” He pressed his lips against mine again. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and crazy and unexpected as it is, I’m not letting go of this. I’m not letting go of you.”
I let his words wash over me, let them seep into me, where I could hold them and replay them over and over. I’d never been more certain of anything in my life, and as he kissed me again, his hand trailing down my arm to my hip as his tongue slid into my mouth, I knew this was what I’d been waiting for. This was the feeling I’d wanted, and Jason was the person I’d take the next step with. My stomach erupted with butterflies, nerves and excitement mixing together as our eager hands undressed each other until we lay naked on the bed, Jason on top of me, his eyes fixed on mine. My body trembled; this was the most exposed and intimate I’d ever been but somehow, I was sure Jason felt the same way. This was new to both of us in very different ways.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
I nodded. “I’m okay.”
He smiled as his hand moved from my waist up to my breast, his fingers slowly circling my nipple. His eyes didn’t leave mine; it was like he wanted to watch every reaction and my body shook harder with the intensity. My hands ran down his back as his mouth lowered, his lips trailing down my neck, and I gasped as his mouth reached my breast and his tongue flicked over the nipple he’d just released. My back arched a little as his hand slid down my stomach, and I hooked my leg around his hip, pressing myself into him. The throb in my core made me let out a small whimper, made me push a little harder against him as the sensation of his lips on my breast and his hand moving lower set my whole body ablaze.
“Jase,” I murmured, digging my fingers into his back. “Please.”
I hadn’t expected it to be this way. To not just want him, but to need to feel him inside me, even though it was scary and my nerves made my body vibrate. He was taking his time, making sure I was relaxed and ready, but I didn’t want to wait. The expert way his lips moved across my skin was enough.
“One sec.”
Jason rolled away from me and a chill rushed over me, missing his body already. I tried to control my breathing, to steady myself, but my heart was beating so hard, I couldn’t. I couldn’t take my eyes off him as he swiftly but carefully ensured we were both protected, and the size of him made my stomach jolt a little. As he rejoined me on the bed, lying beside me, I still had my gaze fixed on his length.
“Talk to me, Luce.”
I moved my eyes slowly upwards, taking in every bit of his lean but muscular chest, his tattoos, until I finally reached his eyes. He rested his hand on my hip and pulled me closer. “We don’t have to do this. We can stop right now if you want to.”
I shook my head. “I don’t want to. I’m just… I…”
How to even finish that sentence? If I told him his size terrified me, he’d back off, and I didn’t want him to, not at all. Making myself brave, I placed my hand on the back of his neck and kissed him. The second his tongue found mine and he rolled on top of me, my muscles relaxed again and I adjusted my position, wrapping my legs around him.
“Are you ready?” he whispered, again looking deep into my eyes for true confirmation. When I nodded, he said, “I’m going to take it slow, but you have to tell me if you want me to stop, okay?”
I nodded again. “Okay.”
The trembling started again the second I felt him push against my opening. It was just the slightest nudge but I held my breath and everything tightened up. Jason ran his thumb across my cheek. “Relax. Breathe, Lucy. Just breathe.”
Clo
sing my eyes, I took a second to focus only on my breathing, and when his fingers closed over my breast again, I slowly felt my body melt under his touch. I was still shaking, but this time when he started to push inside me, instead of letting the nerves take over, I reminded myself of the things he’d said. That he wanted me more than anyone else, and that he wouldn’t let me go. That he wanted this as much as I did, and… he was mine.
Jason Brooks was mine.
The sensation of him inside me was strange, but with each slow stroke, it became easier, less alien. I clung to him as he slightly picked up his pace, his eyes never leaving mine, making sure I was okay with every movement and something began to build inside me, something I’d never felt before. My eyes widened and my breath caught as Jason reached down with one hand and rubbed at the sensitive bundle of nerves that had started to tingle as he continued to push inside me. Before I even knew what was happening, a huge gasp burst out of me as I exploded beneath his fingers, triggering a flurry of pleasure to ripple through my entire body. I clung harder, pressing my hips into his and crying out as the waves continued to flow through me, and my blood threatened to ignite me. I was lost in my own pleasure when Jason shuddered on top of me, and he let out a cry of his own before collapsing on top of me, his hands in my hair as he kissed me hard.
For a few minutes, neither of us spoke. Our pounding hearts said everything we needed to say. I couldn’t believe what had just happened. Couldn’t believe my first time had been so incredible.
“Lucy.” Jason looked up at me, his hand reaching for mine, our fingers entwining.
“That was... amazing.”
“You’re amazing. Perfect.”
My cheeks heated and I closed my eyes. “I’m sure I’m not perfect. I… well, I didn’t know what the hell I was doing.”
He stroked my flaming face with his fingers. “There’s no rule book, Luce. You do what feels right, and everything you did felt fucking incredible.”
