by Lisa Jewell
‘Well then why are you having it, Millie? Why the fuck are you having this fucking baby if you don’t fucking want it? Eh?’
‘I do want this baby, Sean. I want this baby more than anything. All I’m saying is that it’s not easy being pregnant and… and… I need you to want this baby, too. That’s all…’
The room fell absolutely silent and Millie’s last words were left hanging in the air like an unanswered doorbell.
Millie stared at Sean beseechingly. Sean stared at the ceiling, drumming his fingertips against the table-top.
Tony stared at his fingernails and tried not to move too much in case Millie took her hands off his shoulders.
‘Right’ said Sean, eventually, slamming his hands down on the table and sighing, ‘that’s it. I’ve had enough. I’m out of here.’ He stood up and pulled his jacket off the back of Tony’s sofa.
‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean, I’ve had enough of sitting here having my personal life dissected in public and being told I’m not good enough, so I’m going.’
‘Well, I’m coming with you, then,’ said Millie, taking her hands off Tony’s shoulders, much to his disappointment.
‘No, Millie, you’re not.’
‘Yes, I am.’
He threw her an icy glance. ‘You. Are. Not.’
‘We need to talk, Sean.’
‘Yes. You’re right. We do need to talk. But not here, not now and not tonight.’
‘OK – fuck off, then. Fuck off. I’m going to stay here with Tony. Tony’s going to look after me, aren’t you, Tony?’
She grabbed his shoulders again and Tony nodded vehemently. ‘Yeah,’ he said, ‘of course.’
Sean stopped in his tracks for a moment and looked at them both. He opened his mouth to say something and then shut it again. ‘Whatever,’ he said, throwing his hands up in the air in defeat, ‘whatever.’ He turned and was about to leave the room when he stopped and turned again and stared, not at Millie but at Tony. He stared at him for what felt like about fifteen minutes before finally pointing at him and saying, in a soft voice that sounded drained of anger and full of sadness, ‘I thought you were my brother.’ He left the room, then, and ten seconds later they heard the front door slam close.
‘OK,’ said Ness, walking into the room with a trayful of coffee and chocolates. ‘Who’s for coffee?’
Millie burst into tears.
Brother Merging
‘There you go,’ said Tony, passing Millie a large cup of peppermint tea and sitting down next to her on the sofa.
‘I’m really sorry, Tony.’
‘What for?’
‘For making you fall out with your brother, for ruining dinner, for being a complete bitch.’
‘Oh, don’t be stupid. You haven’t ruined anything. Tonight was always going to be a bit of a sticky one.’
‘Yes, I know, but I shouldn’t have brought it to your dinner table. The last thing I wanted to do was drive a wedge between you and Sean. I just lost control tonight. Christ – I can’t believe I’m drunk, Tony. Look at me, I’m drunk, with a baby in me.’
‘Oh, well…’ said Tony, not really knowing what to say, as getting plastered while pregnant was pretty indefensible in his book, but not wanting to upset her even more. ‘I’m sure it’ll be fine.’
‘Yes, I know it’ll be fine. But that’s not the point. It’s just – it just seems to show a lack of respect, that’s all. Poor little thing.’ She stroked her belly tenderly. ‘Poor tiny, defenceless little thing who’s only just growing fingernails and already your mummy and daddy are fighting and rowing and making you drink disgusting things.’
Tony glanced down at Millie’s tiny, rounded stomach and felt a deep longing rising inside him. There was a baby in there – a tiny, thumb-sized little baby.
‘So, he’s got fingernails, has he?’ he said looking at the bump in wonder.
‘Uh-huh. And little sockets in his gums for teeth to grow in.’
‘Wow.’
‘And this week, apparently, he’s developed little vocal cords – so he can start making noises in there. Imagine that?’
‘Amazing,’ said Tony, ‘can I touch it?’
‘Of course,’ said Millie, pulling open her cardigan a bit.
Tony put his hand out flat and cupped the little bump that looked more like the result of a big curry and a bit of trapped wind than a pregnancy.
‘You won’t be able to feel anything, yet,’ she said, ‘the baby’s moving around but it’s too small for you to feel.’
‘No. But it’s just… it’s amazing, isn’t it? A little human being in there. I just want to… connect. You know?’
He looked up at Millie and smiled and Millie smiled back at him. ‘Do you know something,’ she said, ‘Sean’s never once done that. He’s never touched our baby.’
‘Seriously?’ Tony took his hand from Millie’s stomach.
‘Uh-hm. I don’t think he’s ever even looked at it. Well, not deliberately, anyway. Christ. What am I doing? What am I doing, Tony?’ She looked at him beseechingly and then let her head fall on to her hands. ‘Fuck. I’m going to be a single mother, aren’t I? A bitter, haggard, old single mother who gets pissed while she’s pregnant. Christ, I’ll probably become an alcoholic and neglect it. It’ll be taken away by the social services and I’ll never see it again. Oh, Jesus, Tony – what am I going to do?’ She started sobbing again.
‘Here, here,’ said Tony, picking up one of her hot, clenched little hands and squeezing it gently. ‘Things will work out, Millie. Honestly, they will.’
‘I mean, a few weeks ago everything in my life was perfect. I’d met the man of my dreams, he proposed to me, I got promoted, everything was going so well. Every day was like a little scene from a film, you know? Like this idyllic golden world that seems out of your reach most of the time, that looks like it’s happening to everyone else – except it was happening to me. I honestly didn’t think that life could possibly be any better. I thought I was the luckiest, most blessed girl in the whole world. And now… and now… my boyfriend hates me, I’m up the duff, I’ve got no social life, no fun… no waist. And now I feel like my life is like a depressing documentary. You know, like one of those women you see on the TV and you think, “How the hell did you let this happen to you? How could you have been so stupid?” I mean, how could I ever have looked at Sean and thought he’d be a good dad – or even a good husband, come to that? Was I that desperate?’
‘He doesn’t deserve you, Millie,’ said Tony, ‘He doesn’t deserve either of you.’
‘He doesn’t, does he? I mean, do you think he even noticed I was drinking tonight? Hmm? Do you think it occurred to him what I was doing? God – maybe he was mentally encouraging me. Hoping I’d have a miscarriage or something…’
‘Oh come on, Millie – I think that’s probably a bit harsh, don’t you?’
‘No. I don’t. You don’t know how cold he can be, Tony. I never saw it before. He was always like this excited puppy dog – he was so happy about everything all the time. I couldn’t ever have imagined Sean being unhappy. And then I told him I was pregnant and it was like a light switched off somewhere inside him. Like these big, steel doors came down, whoosh –’ she demonstrated the doors coming down with her hands – ‘and that was the last I saw of the old Sean. Gone. For ever. And I don’t know how to get him back, Tony. How do I get him back – hmm? How?’
‘I don’t know, Millie. I really don’t know. Sean’s a… Sean doesn’t know how to share. He never did know how to share. If something was his then no one else could get close to it. And if Mum ever made him give one of his toys to someone to play with, well – he’d disown it. Say he didn’t want it any more. Get a new one…’ Tony shrugged and looked at Millie.
‘Are you saying that Sean’s sulking because I’m like his toy and now he’s having to share me with our baby?’
‘I don’t know,’ he said, ‘it’s a theory.’
Millie fell sil
ent and stared at the floor for a while. ‘Fuck,’ she said. ‘I think you’re right. I think that’s it. God, Tony – what would I do without you? It’s just like – being with you – it’s like having my very own grown-up version of Sean. I mean, you look like him and sound like him – you even smell a bit like him. But you’re emotionally intelligent and he’s emotionally spasticated. I wish… I wish I could just sort of merge the two of you together. Oh God – does that sound funny?’
Tony looked at her, trying to hide the amazement in his eyes. ‘Er, no – not really. But, which bit of Sean would you keep in this merging process?’
Millie sighed and thought about it. ‘God – I don’t know, I really don’t know. His… his… Nothing,’ she said eventually. ‘The way I feel at the moment, there is nothing about Sean I would like to keep.’
‘So, this merger – it would just be me, then?’ said Tony, laughing nervously.
‘Yeah – I suppose it would be.’ Millie laughed too.
‘Maybe without the, er… extra covering, though, eh?’ He patted his stomach and laughed again.
‘No,’ she said, ‘I’d keep the covering. I like the covering.’
‘You do?’
‘Yes. It’s cuddly.’
Tony digested the word ‘cuddly’ for a second, wondering if he liked it or not.
‘Remember the other day, Tony – when you came round to my flat?’
He nodded.
‘And you said that thing – that thing about how if it all fell apart with Sean, there’d be people to hold me up?’
‘Yes.’
‘Well, I think it might, you know? I really think it might all fall apart. I didn’t at the time, when you said it – I thought you were being melodramatic. But now, I’m not so sure. I look at Sean now and I can’t see any of the things I fell in love with. They’re not there any more. All I see is this stroppy, selfish boy. And unless the old Sean comes back… I don’t think I want to be with him, Tony. And if that happened – if I was all on my own – would you… take an interest?’
‘Take an interest?’ said Tony. ‘Of course I’d take an interest. I’d do more than take an interest, Millie – I’d do absolutely anything.’
‘Would you?’
‘Yes. I’d go anywhere, take you anywhere you wanted, do anything and everything for you and the baby. I’d… God – money, time, whatever you wanted, whatever you needed. You and the baby are the most important things in the world.’
‘Are we – really?’
‘Of course you are. More important than anything. I’d do anything for you both – absolutely anything.’
Millie looked straight at Tony and Tony saw her eyes filling with tears. ‘God, Tony, if you knew how much I’d been wanting to hear that. To feel like we’re special and important.’
‘How could anything be more important than you two?’
‘Thank you, Tony. You have no idea how much that means to me.’
‘I just can’t believe that someone as beautiful as you and as special as you and as amazing as you could ever have ended up with someone who doesn’t appreciate you. It doesn’t make any sense. You should be… adored and pampered and looked after and protected. You should be treated like a queen.’
Millie smiled at him and put a hand on his arm. ‘Stop it,’ she laughed, ‘you’ll have me believing it in a minute.’
Tony grabbed her hand. ‘I want you to believe it, Millie – you’re the most beautiful woman in the world.’
‘Thank you, Tony,’ she said, ‘thank you so much.’And then all of a sudden, she threw her arms around him and hugged him. Tony put his arms around her and hugged her back and for a few seconds he stopped breathing.
Ness was upstairs in bed, the room was dimly lit by one lamp in the corner, the David Gray CD was still playing on repeat. Tony was full of brandy and wine. Millie felt warm and strong and smelt of clean hair and rosemary. This felt like a post-date clinch. This felt like…something. He pulled away from Millie, slowly, until he was eye to eye with her.
There were mascara runs under her eyes. He wiped them away with his thumb. ‘You deserve so much more, Millie,’ he said.
And she smiled and nodded at him. ‘I do,’ she said. ‘I really do.’
And then, very, very slowly, their lips met and they kissed.
Baby Hangovers
Tony was the one to stop the kiss.
He stopped it after about thirty seconds.
Someone had to, after all.
‘This is wrong,’ he said. ‘We shouldn’t be doing this.’And he wasn’t just saying it to be a gentleman, he was saying it because he meant it. It was wrong. All wrong. Halfway through the kiss, Tony had suddenly realized. This wasn’t what their relationship was about any more. It had moved on. In fact, it had moved on from the moment Millie first told him she was pregnant, and he just hadn’t noticed.
‘I know,’ she said, pulling away from him, putting her fingertips to her lips, ‘I’m very drunk.’
‘Me too,’ said Tony.
‘It’s just,’ she began, her hands twisted together in her lap, ‘I’m feeling so…’
‘It’s OK,’ interrupted Tony, ‘I know. We’re both confused. We’re both pissed. We’re both being totally ridiculous.’
Millie nodded vehemently, tucking her hair behind her ear. ‘Absolutely,’ she said, and then she threw Tony a half-smile. ‘God – how the hell did that happen?’
Tony shrugged.
‘Who started it? God, was it me? Did I just launch myself at you with my tongue sticking out?’
Tony smiled. ‘No,’ he said, ‘I think it was a two-way effort. You know, fifty-fifty.’
‘How embarrassing. Not that I – well, you’re a very attractive man, Tony, you really are. But, I have no idea why that just happened. I really don’t. It must be my hormones, or something.’
‘Mine too,’ he said, starting to feel the stirrings of embarrassed laughter somewhere in his stomach.
‘God – snogging on the sofa, how juvenile.’ She covered her face with her hands and sniggered.
Tony looked at Millie, sitting with a look of numb, semi-amused shock on her face, her cardigan still slightly askew from his passionate fumblings, and an image flashed through his mind, an image of him and Millie snogging on the sofa. And for some reason the image sent him straight over the edge and he laughed out loud. Millie threw him a sideways glance and her own smile increased. Tony looked at her and laughed again. And then they both totally cracked up.
They laughed long and hard for about five minutes, rocking back and forth, clutching their sides, wiping the tears away from under their eyes. They laughed so hard that they couldn’t speak and so much that Tony began to feel bruises forming under his ribcage. And they laughed for so long that all the tension from the previous four hours completely dissipated. And when they finally stopped they looked at each other and Tony knew that he had a new and wonderful friend in his life.
They sat up for a bit longer and chatted about the evening, about the baby and about Sean, and then, when Millie started yawning more than talking, Tony took her upstairs to bed. She let him make a fuss over her as he showed her her bedroom, showed her the en suite shower, brought her toothpaste, a spare toothbrush, gave her a clean T-shirt to wear in bed. She let him sit on the edge of her bed once she was ready and stroke her hair and hold her hand. She was compliant and childlike.
‘Oh no,’ she said suddenly as she lay there. ‘My baby – do you think it’s going to have a hangover tomorrow? Like me?’
Tony shrugged.
‘Oh my poor, poor baby,’ she said, rubbing her belly, ‘what have I done to you, you poor little thing?’
Tony brought her more water, then, to minimize her and her baby’s hangovers.
‘You know, Tony,’ she said, as her eyes struggled to remain open and she teetered on the edge of sleep. ‘I love being with you. You’re so strong and calm and kind. When I’m with you I just feel like everything’s going to be
all right. You know?’
Tony nodded and smiled and watched her as her eyes slowly closed and her breathing patterns changed, and as he sat there looking at the contours of Millie’s face, the way her eyelashes brushed against her skin, the way her mouth puckered up as she breathed in and out, the little whistley noises she made as she slept, he was suddenly overcome by a completely alien emotion.
He felt like a father watching over his little girl.
He felt paternal.
That kiss, just now – it had been… nice. It had been soothing, comforting. But it hadn’t set his loins alight. And that, he suddenly realized, was exactly what his relationship with Millie was all about. They were comforting each other. He was making her feel better about the fact that her boyfriend was rejecting her and she was making him feel better about the fact that he’d lost his sense of identity.
It was all a game. The whole thing. It wasn’t going to go anywhere. Of course it wasn’t. Even if Millie and Sean did split up, did he honestly think he could plough in there and raise his brother’s child? It was ludicrous. He didn’t want to beat Sean any more. Sean was losing all by himself. The competition was over. His role here, he now realized, wasn’t to wrest Millie from Sean. It was to look after Millie until Sean got his act together and took responsibility.
He wasn’t the predator.
He wasn’t the lover.
He wasn’t the winner.
He was the big brother.
After a few minutes, he stood up slowly, switched off the lamp and went to his bedroom.
Ness was awake and reading a book.
‘How is she?’ she whispered, folding down the corner of her page and putting it on the bedside table.
‘Sleeping,’ said Tony, unbuckling his belt.
‘Poor thing. How awful. The one time you need some harmony in your life and everything’s falling apart.’
‘Yeah. It’s a bastard.’
‘You were brilliant with her, Tony,’ she said, pulling herself half out of the bed and wrapping an arm around his torso.
