How to Steal a Piano and Other Stories

by John Hughes

  Elaine shook her head. “Not Aaron.”

  “What! Oh my God… so it’s Hugh! Well I never, that’s a surprise. I know you really like him, and he’s clearly a lovely guy. Huge congratulations, you’ll be so so happy together, Lainey. Aw this is such exciting news!”

  “Not Hugh.”

  Paula froze, statue-like, then slumped back in her chair. “But… but… if not Hugh or Aaron, who the hell else?” In her head she skimmed through the thirteen dates. “Is it Peter, the enigmatic one?” Elaine shook her head. “Reggie the Wedgie?” Elaine shook again. “Not Mister Bean surely!”

  “Don’t be daft, of course not.”

  Paula leaned forward and clutched Elaine’s arm. “Wes! Please don’t tell me it’s Wes?”

  “No, not Wes either. I’d be dead from exhaustion in six months.” Elaine touched her iPad and it came to life again. She scrolled along the rows of folders until she came to the one at the very end; the thirteenth.

  “Tim?” said Paula incredulously.

  “That’s right.”

  “But I didn’t think he’d wowed you. Nice guy, you said and you felt like you’d known him for years, but that was all.”

  “Actually, Paula, I have known him for years.” She opened up the photo in the folder. The imagine was very familiar to them both.

  “Tom!”

  Elaine took her friend’s hand. “I played a bit of a trick on you, I’m afraid, telling you he was Tim not Tom. Sorry.”

  Paula took a huge slug of wine and slammed her glass down on the table. “You’d better buy me a drink and tell me what the hell is going on. I am totally confused!”

  With wine glasses replenished, Elaine explained.

  “It’s actually quite simple. I came across Tom on Plenty of Fish soon after we started the pledge. Or rather he came across me. I’m lazy and don’t do searches, don’t go looking, I wait for men to contact me. Tom had done a search and I’d come up top on matching his criteria. You can see who’s looked at your profile, and so when I checked who’d looked at mine, there he was. When I looked at his profile in return, he would have known that too. Turns out he’d only just joined and I was about the first person he came across. He didn’t contact me immediately, not until I was well into the pledge. A chatty message, asking how I was, that sort of stuff. I replied saying all good, keeping it very brief. We swapped a few more, all light and fluffy. Then one morning I get a text from him saying: I miss u xxx.

  “How did you feel?” asked Paula.

  “Confused, mixed up. I was enjoying the pledge and by then I’d met Hugh and Aaron and was seriously moving forward. Tom was in the past. I’d also just had my brains banged out by Wes, so when you and I spoke the day after and I was mixed up, it was as much about Tom as all else that was going on.”

  “What did you do?”

  “I texted back: Miss u 2 xxx.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “It was nothing to do with the pledge. I didn’t want to talk about it.”

  “So then what?”

  “We arranged to meet. He then became date number thirteen. I called him Tim to stop you putting two and two together. We were just going to have a drink, for old time sake. That was all. Honest.”

  “And?”

  “And… it was just so wonderful to see him. I knew straight away I still loved him and it all came flooding back. He told me he’d been miserable, and splitting up from me had been the biggest mistake of his life… and he wanted me back.”

  “Did you believe him?”

  “When we walked by the river after dinner, he was crying his eyes out. So emotional. Yes I believed him. But I had very mixed feelings, as you can imagine, having been dumped unceremoniously. He told me he did it to test himself, to see how he would feel without me in his life any longer, and that it hurt like hell. Bit of an extreme way of finding out, I told him. He just nodded and cried. Anyway, we agreed to meet a couple of days later. We both threw a sickie and drove over to Windsor and walked in the Great Park – one of our old haunts. We held hands for three solid hours. Then, when we were halfway round Virginia Water lake, he suddenly went down on one knee and proposed!”

  “What did you say?”

  “I told him I’d think about it. Then two seconds later I said I’d thought long enough and the answer was yes! It’s what I always wanted.”

  “What about Hugh and Aaron?”

  “They simply went out of my head. I forgot about them. I’ve seen them of course, I haven’t lied about that, but only to tell them that I won’t be taking it any further.”

  “How did they take it?”

  “Hugh got angry, said screw you and stormed off. Aaron was very upset, wished me the very best and said if I changed my mind he’d have me back tomorrow.”

  “I was right about those two then.”

  “I don’t think you’re very often wrong, Paula.”

  “Well, well, well. So, Operation Pledge has turned up trumps… though not at all how I expected.”

  “You and me alike.”

  “Let’s have another look at that ring? It’s beautiful. Lainey, I am genuinely thrilled for you. You deserve this and all the happiness that lies ahead for you… and Tim.”

  “Tom!”

  “Oh yeh, sorry, Tom. When’s the big day?”

  “To be decided.”

  “Can I be your maid of honour?”

  “I wouldn’t have anyone else!” Elaine fumbled in her bag, pulled out a Post-it note folded in half and handed it across to Paula. “Here, a prezzie for you. A thank you gift from me.”

  Paula looked down at the yellow rectangle of paper and unfolded it. It contained a mobile phone number. “What’s this?”

  “Wes.” Elaine leaned forward so as not to be overheard. “Use it once, and once only. Get him to rearrange your brains like he did mine then start seriously considering your future life.” She drained her glass. “When you’ve done that, we’ll have one of these boozy evenings together and work out another pledge… only this time for you.”