by Sunniva Dee
At the moment, they lived in their own little worlds, dealt with their own microscopic problems with no idea of what I’d started. The afterlife was in jeopardy because of a stupid girl in love with her guardian angel. I could be the catalyst to the worst alteration of human existence possible.
I went into denial.
“Cassiel, you know what I don’t get, though?” I whispered.
“Nope, sure don’t.”
“How can that even happen? I mean, how can one single angel going evil without punishment trigger the creation of a million demons?”
Cassiel groaned with impatience. “Seriously? You want me to explain why there are stars too? How about why fish are different to people and what’s beyond space? The miracle of life? Do you want a believable explanation as to why the Boss created humans in the first place? Why he gave you guys freaking free will? Stroke of genius right there. Oh, and how about why he allowed Hell? Demons?” Cassiel was nodding in fake enthusiasm.
“No, I guess…” My stomach quivered, stalling a panicked titter. “Take it or leave it, huh?”
“Hell yeah. Even if I knew the answers, you probably wouldn’t be able to grasp them with your peanut brain. Mortals!”
“Hey, so uncalled for.”
“You were boring me.”
The fatigue finally overpowered me. I wanted to sleep like I hadn’t since the months in the hospital. A broken neck suddenly sounded so trivial. I feebly considered how uncomplicated life had been back then. My biggest concern had been to open my eyes and face my surroundings.
Cassiel’s final statement still broke through to me. “I need to become part of Ramiel’s inner circle to find out more.”
Time was ticking away briskly, and my heart jumped at the realization. Cassiel was right. He had to earn Ramiel’s trust fast!
Flaunting us in a hot embrace, he pretended to erase my memory. Then, he brought down the energy field and dissolved. My room seemed utterly insignificant after he left.
The half hour it took for Marina to appear, I spent in a haze of nightmares. Her presence shook me free and replaced the shadows with chattering, burgers, and fries. Marina made life seem easy.
Chapter 23 — Fear
Gaia
The first semester at Shades Run came to an end so quickly. Somehow, I had faked my way through classes, completed my projects, and for the most part kept my grades up despite living in two worlds.
Marina was the only one that knew the truth about Gabriel. I had told her where he’d gone, and the honest-to-God state of my mind. Occasionally, my dorm mates or Cody would inquire, but I deflected their questions by referring to a family emergency. Weeks passed without a word from Gabriel.
Marina. What a friend she was to me. After the last day of classes, we paid what my school called “the minimal winter break housing fee.” We stayed in town and blamed nonexistent workshops whenever our parents checked in with us. Even the boys remained in Shades Run thanks to Marina.
On the day before Christmas, Gabriel still hadn’t returned, and we finally got ready to leave for home. That night, Marina dragged me down to Johnny O’s. “He’s a freaking angel,” she said. “Dude doesn’t need you holed up in a dorm to find you.”
A terrible, local band named The Sugarcanes were hard at work ruining Christmas songs. “Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer” blared as we entered. The waitress caught the guitar player’s attention while we headed over to our table. She was definitely gesturing the universal sign for “turn it the hell down.”
“Hey girls! I requested ‘Jingle Bells,’ and guess what? They’ve got it on their playlist already! What are the odds, right?”
Two blond haystacks bobbed in rhythm to the excruciating music as we approached. Marina sent me a look before replying.
“Kyle, that’s insane.”
His brother squirmed off a barstool to greet her with a cheerful “Let’s dance, honey!”
When she declined, I smoothed it over for her. “She’s saving herself for ‘Jingle Bells.’”
I climbed up on the chair next to Lucio, who greeted me with a quick hug. The ID Gestapo must be off duty for once, because he also scooted a much wanted beer in front of me.
“How’s everything?” he asked.
“Oh, I’m okay—better now,” I smiled, tilting my head to the illegal substance. Lucio tried to hide his smugness.
The dimness of the bar, the candle blushing between us on the table, even the obnoxious music helped me relax. To be with my friends, especially the boys, since they knew so little about Gabriel, took my mind off of things.
The beer disappeared faster than expected. By the time I accepted a second glass, the tension in my neck and shoulders began to ease.
That was when it hit me, the sensation of something not adding up. My eyes scanned the surroundings, and it didn’t take me long to find him.
Behind the twins, a flickering aura appeared. I squinted at the golden glow, the way it thickened and shaped into a shimmering silhouette. Soon eyes, a nose, and an oh-so-familiar mouth emerged. Like a hologram, his flesh never filled in.
A lump formed in my throat. The colors didn’t saturate enough to block my view of the counter behind him. His eyes shone bright, and their absolute transparency transmitted such agony that his name choked out of me in a sob.
“Gabriel?”
His image flickered on and off. A desperate urge to grab a hold of him before it was too late overwhelmed me. Next to me, Marina took my hand and leaned in to talk over the music.
“Are you all right? You’re super-pale, girl!”
Gabriel’s pained gaze held mine, his lips moving as if he was trying to say something. No words reached me.
“What?” I yelled at the apparition of him. “What!” The boys exchanged glances, and Marina tugged me off the stool and away from them.
“Gaia! What. Is. Going. On.”
“Oh God, he’s here, but he’s not doing good, Marina. He’s not okay!”
“Who, Gabriel?”
I nodded, fighting the panic.
“Can you see him?”
“Yes, he’s trying to speak. It’s not working!”
The breeze of a whisper danced at my ear. If I hadn’t been hyperaware, I would have missed it.
“Go back to the dorm, sun. I’ll get to you.”
“Okay, yes, I’m—I’ll be there!”
“Is he meeting you somewhere? Do you want me to go with you?” Marina’s voice matched my urgency.
“Yes, he is. I’ll be fine, Marina. Love you.”
****
I saw him in flashes on my way up the hill. His colorless frame glowed in and out of visibility against the dark trees. Deepened hollows under sickly eyes imitated the dull, bluish gray of skimmed milk. I instinctively masked my fear. While veins pumped the scared-shitless kind of adrenaline through my ears, I soothed him.
“Almost home, Gabriel. Almost there.”
I couldn’t get to the room fast enough. Lauren greeted me in the hallway, but I only muttered a hasty “goodnight” before I hid behind my door, locking it.
I pivoted and found Gabriel lying too still on my bed. The pillows and linens were visible through his sheer features. He hadn’t folded away his wings. They fanned out messily underneath his body. Translucent, they extended past the bed frame and draped down to the ground.
Somehow, what did me in was the chaos of his hair, the way it coiled against the pillow without hope. How it barely released the dull luster of old gold.
Blinking slowly, the sky of his gaze shimmered with feverish brightness, and the circles of the moribund resided around his eyes. Gabriel closed his eyes for several minutes as if he couldn’t keep them open. The likeness to a beautiful, dying angel made my chest tighten with terror.
I kicked my shoes off and crawled near. I scurried into his warmth and a protection I still believed in.
“Please, Gabriel, talk.”
His arms opened painstakingly slow, and I crept into
their comfort. I nestled against him as he wrapped me in. A sigh escaped him, but no sounds of explanation, no words of consolation. His heat seared me. A human could not have been this scorching and lived.
Don’t panic. Don’t panic. Don’t panic.
The last thing he needed was me falling apart. I tucked away my anxiety and stroked a stray lock of hair from his burning forehead. Then, I hummed to him in low, reassuring whispers.
“Everything is going to be okay.”
The feeble move of an arm nudged me closer, but he needed my help to lace our fingers at the small of my back. My head sank down on his shoulder. Giving him peace, I didn’t probe with questions.
I pulled the comforter over us and waited, terrified of what the morning would bring. I lay there in silence, hoping I could stay awake to watch over him until dawn.
At times, I slid through the hologram of him and rested on the mattress. Other times, I sighed in relief as he solidified under me. I’d revel in an arm under my neck and his chest below my palm.
Mutely, I raged. I prayed for him, and I begged. On the outside I managed to stay serene, and the hysteria never once won.
Don’t leave me.
After a lifetime of Gabriel caring for me, I wanted to be his guardian during the longest night of my life. He shimmered in and out of visibility as if he didn’t possess the energy to control his form.
Unconscious, he lulled me into a calming trance with the noise of his struggles, with the sound of his superficial breathing. Oh, the irony. Even at death’s doorstep he comforted me. Eventually, I drifted off, incapable of standing guard for as much as one, miserable night.
****
Gabriel’s chest still rose and sank under me when I started to life at sunrise. Studying him, I took in the fluttering eyelids, the pale skin and chapped lips. The disorganized tapestry of his wings was gone, and I found no outer trace of him being wounded. Hope sparked as I realized that the transparency of his features had vanished. That must be a good sign, right?
My fingertips explored his face. He felt solid to my touch. After a moment, I caved in and brushed his mouth with the lightest of kisses. Gabriel’s lips stretched in a weak smile. His eyes were still too bright as they flitted open.
My attempt at helping him up against the pillows failed. He let out a deep moan when I tried to help him change position.
“How are you?” I whispered.
With voice husky from fatigue, he replied without answering my question. “Gaia…At the First Gate of Heaven, Habbiel waited for me. When he learned of the Grigori’s interest, he sent a messenger to Michael. He recommended me on to Hadraniel, the keeper of the Second Gate. My meeting with Hadraniel took longer than I expected, but he did decide to commend me to Anahel, the ruler of the Third Heaven.
Oh please, tell me what happened to you!
My unguarded thought made Gabriel shake his head minutely against the cushions. His mouth curved up a little.
“Sunshine, I missed you. I wanted to come by before I moved on to the Third Gate, but as I flew into neutral territory outside the Second Gate, Douma intercepted me.”
“Who’s Douma?”
“The Angel of the Stillness of Death.”
“A Celestial?”
“No, he’s a Grigori.”
My hand clamped over my mouth to quell the gasp.
“Anyway, he attacked me. Being who he is, he could have killed me. For a while there, he tried to extract information about the Heavenly plans, but since I had nothing to share, he tossed me aside. It has its perks, I guess, to be the unpunished, Celestial criminal.”
He tried to laugh. His hand unconsciously moved to his chest. I sat up and reached for the top button of his shirt. In a rush of energy, he grasped my wrist.
“No.”
“Why, Gabriel? Let me.”
“I…Gaia.”
Anxious, I stopped listening, uncurled his grip and moved in with more insistence. He made another tired attempt at hindering me. As his vigor wore off, he slumped back with a low groan.
I drew the shirt flaps aside as if they were curtains. Before me, an entire torso violently painted with bruises in shades of green, blue, and purple screamed of ruthless abuse. Like enormous leeches, burn marks swarmed his chest, turning abysmal over his heart.
Slighter tentacles spread out and liquefied in the shape of black stars. They reshaped into the charcoal tendrils and points of the next burn.
“Gabriel…” I trailed off, not knowing where to start.
“Please don’t. It’s fine.”
My eyes closed as I concentrated on slowing my heartbeat.
“How has Cassiel been with you, Gaia?”
Gabriel wasn’t a Free Fallen. He didn’t have their shield to protect us, and I knew we had to be careful when talking about Cassiel.
“Is he behaving? I swear I will commit my seventh breach of Heavenly Rules if he hasn’t. Oh, he’ll be hurting!”
“Gabriel, I don’t think you’ll be maiming anybody…”
Bent over his stomach, I kissed the bruises rising from his battered insides, and a smothered grunt slipped out against his will.
God, I hate to see you this way.
“No worries, Cassiel has been manageable,” I murmured into his skin, “although it’s not like he’s changed overnight.”
Sluggishly, he moved me over on my side and turned to face me. Then, those disturbingly pale lips descended on mine. From behind closed lids I sensed the room darkening. I blinked and found his wing vaulted into a dome above our heads. He exhaled against my mouth.
“Think it to me. Everything.”
Um, can I think some other time?
A hand settled over my heart. Gabriel looked into my eyes, urging me with irises too crystalline to be healthy. Again, my mind took me back a year to that gloomy day in Spring Hills when he’d touched my chest like this. Would I ever forget my grief—or the love that had driven him to erase my heartbreak?
Out of the blue, a jolt of bliss pervaded me. It blended with the warring emotions of concern and desire. Even knee deep in the muddle we had created together, he made me happy.
I love you the most, I thought, testing his mindreading skills, and he instantly whispered back.
“Not true. I’ll always love you more.”
Yes, he did make me happy.
“Sunshine. Your mind. Lower your guard more for me.”
His caresses affected me, and they must also have distracted any Grigori scouts nearby from our exchange of information. Were they around? Did they watch us?
His warm breath misting at my ear, Gabriel reeled me in like a daydreaming child and coaxed Cassiel’s story out of my memory. When it was done, I fretted over a future that depended on my acting skills. Sure, I’d managed once due to exhaustion, but to fool anybody in those meetings with Cassiel from now on seemed impossible.
I didn’t want to consider the implications of failing. At least not while I was seizing a moment without fear. End of the world or not, angel or no, I thirsted for my sweetheart’s love. And dammit if I didn’t deserve more kisses too!
Gabriel replenished me with hope and the taste of a paradise I longed for whenever he wasn’t near.
I let go, permitting the present to sink in and take over. Suddenly, he frowned and pulled away.
“My stomach.”
“Oh, no! Are you feeling worse?”
“The pain is duller, actually.”
Gently, I pushed him on to his back for another glance, and what I discovered was utterly puzzling. The discolorations and burn marks invading his chest and stomach still glared at me. But all over his abdomen, light yellow and green bruises the size of silver dollar coins covered the angrier ones. The new marks looked so faded that if I didn’t know better, I’d have guessed he got them weeks ago.
With one finger, I brushed over a faint, emerald spot. In grotesque contrast, the mark rested over a backdrop of purple that still stained the surrounding skin like blood. I glanc
ed at Gabriel inquisitively. He shrugged, watching me touch him.
“It doesn’t hurt much there.”
“How did that happen? You’ve got more than fifty of these spots all over your stomach. Last time I checked you didn’t.”
“Sunshine,” he breathed, “why don’t you kiss the deepest burn over my heart?”
Staring at his battle scars, I shook my head, trying to wrap my head around what his request implied.
“No way? You think so?”
“Only one way to find out.”
I climbed on top of him and leaned down, not just hitting the one burn mark. I needed to kiss all of them—the burns, the bruises, the wounds. I would have kissed the remnants of every scar he’d ever taken if I could.
The drizzle of smooches showering his torso drew soft laughter from him. The sound caused delight to swell in my own chest. Who knew a girl could do something—be something—for someone like him?
Strands of my hair caressed him too, and Gabriel’s amusement began to taper off. Gradually, his breathing sped up and became more irregular. By the time he brought my face to his, I’d covered every inch of his ribcage and stomach with kisses half a dozen times.
I wasn’t sure he realized that his hips were arching to meet me. I quickly took advantage by pressing down on him as we continued a make-out that made me dizzy. At his sudden thrust against my core, I moaned, and spread my legs alongside his outer thighs.
Yes, please.
The anticipation made my heart race a hundred miles per hour—just what Gabriel needed to come back to his senses. He stirred and sat up, not stopping until he had pulled me onto his lap.
“Gabriel,” I pleaded, but he crossed my lips with a finger, hushing me.
My lower lip shot out without affecting his determination.
“So, the legend holds true.”
“What legend?” I mumbled, desolate.
“Well, you must really love me. Take a look.”
He took his shirt off, revealing not just wide shoulders, heart-stopping biceps and waist, but his entire, breathtaking front. It was sprayed with the faintest mapping of pallid yellow and green. Glancing down at himself, Gabriel grinned: He looked like he had been in an accident months ago.
