by M. E. Nesser
What I found instead was very shocking; it scared me. He had left the apartment. I couldn’t believe it. How could he walk out? That was the last thing I’d expected him to do. He had never walked out before. Then again, we’d never fought like this before. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. That’s when I saw the note on my pillow:
My Dearest Katharine,
I’m sorry we argued. It’s hard for me not to want to take care of you in every aspect of our relationship. It was how I was raised and, frankly, it makes me feel good. But I understand your point of view and your need to be independent. I find your strength in your convictions admirable and, in fact, quite sexy. When you locked yourself in the bathroom, however, I figured it was your way of telling me that you needed a night alone. I didn’t want to intrude on your space if you needed some privacy. Walking out of here is going to be very difficult, but maybe it’ll help us calm down and gain some perspective. We will figure the money thing out, I promise you.
Please remember, you are my forever.
Love, Ian
It was the first night since our engagement that we didn’t sleep together. The note sent me into a fit of tears. He was the sweetest man in the whole world, and I had pushed him away. Then again, I didn’t think I was being unreasonable—was I? I didn’t know. I was logical. I couldn’t help it. Logistically, it didn’t make any sense for him to shell out such a large sum of money for a place we would be living in together. It just felt wrong to me. I didn’t want to feel indebted to him. I owned my apartment outright and could easily buy the new place as well. It didn’t feel right to have him buy it. No matter how wealthy he was, it was still a lot of money.
I worked in a profession that was dominated by men. I took a lot of pride in becoming a partner in our firm and proving myself to be a kick-ass attorney that was respected and admired. I believed women could be as smart and as powerful as men. I could never be happy if I weren’t in a relationship based on equality. This overwhelming need to be self-sufficient never occurred to me until Ian offered to buy us the multi-million dollar penthouse. Ever since I met Ian, I found myself learning new things about myself that I had never been cognizant of before. For the first time in my life, I was truly understanding who I was and what I wanted out of life. And I wanted Ian-more than anything.
I slept like shit that night—if you can even call the hours I laid there crying “sleep.” I found myself reaching over to Ian’s side of the bed constantly. I hated the fact that it was cold and empty. We were reasonable adults. There had to be a compromise. Was Ian being gentlemanly or stubborn? I quickly put the thought out of my head: Ian wasn’t a stubborn man. He was thoughtful and considerate. I was the unreasonable one, the one who had stormed out of the room like an petulant child.
I gave up on sleep and got out of bed around four. I made a pot of coffee and took it into my bathroom so I could start getting ready for work. My job had always been my solace when things were hectic in my personal life. Bryce and I didn’t have many obstacles to overcome, and I know I was very fortunate. But I think things are different when you are older. I’m more confident. I’m more determined. And I think I’m a little set in my ways, which has made me suck at compromising.
I left the apartment at 5:30 a.m. and stopped at my favorite deli for a bagel, lox, and cream cheese sandwich. I knew that I would need some food to keep my energy up. I checked my phone constantly, hoping for a text from Ian, but was disappointed every time. He probably didn’t want to wake me up. Little did he know that he needn’t have worried—a person needs to sleep in order to be woken up.
I was sitting at my desk by 6:30 a.m., deciding what to do. Ian had left me a note, so I knew the next move was up to me. After fiddling with the numbers on my phone for what seemed like forever, I called him.
“Morning, counselor,” he said in the quiet, dreamy voice that could make me swoon even when things weren’t perfect between us.
“Hey there. I’m so sorry about last night. You mad at me?” I asked nervously.
“Of course not. I love you, Katharine. You are my forever. I mean that. I guess we had to expect a few bumps along the way. We’ll figure this out. I came up with a few ideas last night that I’d like to discuss with you. Are you free for dinner?” he asked eagerly.
“You bet. I feel like such a bitch. I shouldn’t have locked you out. It was childish and wrong. You’re my forever, too. Please say you forgive me. I missed you last night,” I admitted shyly.
“Last night sucked. I don’t ever want to spend another night without you. I can’t take it. From this day forward, I vow to resolve my issues with you or sleep on the couch,” he said with a laugh.
“Well, if you sleep on the couch, you’d better make room for me, because I’ll be sleeping there with you,” I told him.
“I can live with that. How’s seven for dinner?”
“That works. Meet you at Todd’s?”
“It’s a date.”
And with that, we ended the call.
41
I was so glad Katharine called me. I’d been up all night waiting to hear from her. I was also happy that she’d agreed to meet me tonight. I’d been scared she would need more time to cool off. Last night had been horrible. It was our first disagreement, and I prayed it was our last. I didn’t ever want to spend another night without her. I loved her so much and hated any time apart from her.
I’d been thinking all night about the best way to resolve this issue. I had the money. Shit, I had more money than I could ever spend. It was stupid that it had even become an issue. But Katharine was a proud and independent woman. I loved that about her. The last thing I wanted to do was make her feel uncomfortable about our living situation. I knew she wasn’t after my money, and I understood why she wouldn’t let me just buy the new place and be done with it. I didn’t know exactly how financially secure she was, and I didn’t care. I wanted to be a good provider. It was how my father raised me. Besides, it was silly to fight over the logistics when I could easily afford to buy it. But I did understand where she was coming from, and I had to admit, her need to be equals in this relationship was sexy as hell. After hours of scrutinizing our problem, I came up with a plan that I hoped she would agree to.
She was waiting at the bar when I arrived at the restaurant. I knew I’d never get over admiring what a beautiful woman she was. She was dressed in a beautiful designer suit that was tailored perfectly to her body. Her hair was in a twist, showing off her sexy neck—I wanted to bite it. As usual, she had high heels on to keep her look more feminine. To me, they were an invitation to hot, steamy sex. In fact, if all went well tonight, I wanted to make love to her in nothing but those heels.
“You have a naughty look on your face, Ian,” Katharine said quietly to me as I approached her.
I leaned toward her and gave her a chaste kiss. I didn’t want to be presumptuous and come on too strong. I had to laugh at her remark. I wasn’t exactly sure how I should respond, since my mind was indeed filled with very naughty, very erotic thoughts.
“I think I’ll plead the fifth,” I said judiciously.
“Oh no you don’t—‘fess up. What’s going on in that brain of yours, Mr. Jensen?”
I didn’t want to say anything out loud, so I leaned in and whispered in her ear. I was very specific about the image that was in my mind. First, I told her she looked beautiful, because that was my initial thought as I walked into the restaurant and saw her sitting at the bar. Second, I told her that I wanted to suck on her neck and leave marks on it like a lovesick teenager, because the way her hair was twisted up looked like an invitation for me to devour. I told her that I had never seen an attorney look so incredibly hot in my entire life. She made a classic suit look like a strip tease outfit. I continued by telling her that she would look even more beautiful getting slammed by me while wearing nothing but her sexy heels. She burst out laughing and turned her body toward me so she could hug me properly. Being honest with Katharine turned
out to be the best icebreaker ever.
We decided to stay at the bar and order some food. The bartenders were fun, and it wasn’t that busy at the end of the bar where we were sitting. I ordered a drink for myself since she already had one, and we decided on a few appetizers. I decided to get the business part of the evening over with so we could just enjoy each other and talk about subjects that didn’t cause tension between us.
“I have an idea. Why don’t we form a legal partnership and buy the apartment together as a formal, business entity? We’ll both pay half. If that’s too much, then you could always get a loan for the balance. I have a feeling your current place will sell for close to that amount, if not more, so you wouldn’t have to owe very much. I would hate for you to cash in on any of your investments to purchase the apartment. I don’t know what kind of cash flow you have access to, and it’s really none of my business. What you bring to this marriage will remain yours and Jack’s, regardless of how long you and I remain together. My prayer is that we’ll be together forever, but I’m trying to protect us both and to be realistic as well. I don’t ever want money to cause animosity between us. All I want from you is your love. The way the partnership will work is that if one of us passes, our children will inherit our half. This way, money should never come between us again. How does my idea sound?”
I thought about his proposal for a minute before I answered. “Well, it sounds like you thought this through very carefully, and that makes me very happy. Yesterday, I felt like you were trying to bully me into accepting your generosity, and it made me feel very uncomfortable. I like being financially independent; it is a part of who I am. I could never be beholden to you financially. It just feels wrong to me. Please don’t misunderstand me though. Offering to buy the apartment was very generous, and I understand and appreciate your inherent need to be the provider. It is endearing, to say the least. It actually makes me love you even more, even if I can’t accept it. Anyway, as it turns out, Bryce had a very large life insurance policy when he died. We also owned my place free and clear. I make a very lucrative wage at the firm and have made more money than I could probably ever spend. I think your suggestion of forming a partnership is brilliant, and I accept your offer to develop a business entity together. By the way, I’m flattered by how much you want to protect Jack and me. Your concern for my welfare is actually kind of hot, and if we weren’t in public, I would show you how appreciative I am.”
“I plan to hold you to that later tonight, counselor. First, we need to come up with a name for our corporation so I can file the papers tomorrow. Any thoughts?” I asked her.
“How about G&T, Inc.?” she suggested. It was a name that instantly came to me.
I laughed. “It’s perfect. Hell, if it wasn’t for that gin and tonic, we never would have found each other. G&T it is,” I said happily.
42
Ian was a brilliant businessman, and I knew he would come up with a solution that would be acceptable to me. I loved the idea of being partners, both in business and in love. We vowed that last night was going to be the last night we would spend apart. I loved him too much to go another day without him.
Now I had to deal with my next dilemma. I needed to tell Bryce’s parents that I was getting married again. I spoke to them occasionally, and our conversations always led back to memories of their son. Then the reminiscing would cause his mom to cry. They weren’t dealing well with the loss, and I couldn’t blame them. I don’t think I could ever get over losing my son. It had been hard for me to have conversations with them since Bryce died, but I was determined to keep them updated on their grandson. Jack made a point of stopping by their house every once in a while, and I called with updates on college whenever something important happened.
Since Ian was such a powerful figure in New York City, and my partnership in the law firm had also made me fairly well known, there was no way our wedding wouldn’t make some kind of news. I would have hated for them to find out about our wedding from the television or newspaper; it would have broken their hearts. I thought the best way to approach them was in person.
I called them early in the week and asked if I could stop by on Saturday around lunchtime. It had been a long time since we had actually seen each other in person, and they seemed very excited to see me. When I pulled into the driveway, I noticed the engagement ring on my hand. There was no way they could miss it—it was stunning. I decided to put it in my purse.
Bryce’s parents greeted me with hugs and what seemed liked forced smiles. I could feel their exhaustion and despair. They looked much older and sadder than I remembered, and it was heartbreaking. We went into the kitchen, and Mrs. Collins poured us all a cup of coffee. After ten minutes of small talk, Mrs. Collins asked me why I had stopped by. I had been a part of their lives for thirty years, and she knew me almost as well as my own mom did. I took a deep breath and prayed for the courage to tell them.
“I have something to tell you, and I wanted to do it in person. I’m going to—I’ve met someone, and we plan to get married next summer,” I said quietly.
“How could you? Our baby isn’t even cold in the grave, and you’re just moving on without a care in the world!” Mrs. Collins shouted at me. She stood up so abruptly that the chair she was sitting on fell over behind her. The noise was startling. This was not what I’d expected.
“This past year and a half has been excruciating for me. I wasn’t eating or sleeping. I felt like I was dying, too. I loved Bryce with all my heart for thirty years. This hasn’t been an easy decision for me.” I was pleading with them, trying not to burst into tears. It wasn’t working.
“That’s crap, and you know it! If you loved my son, you would honor his memory and not move on like a two-bit hussy!” she screamed at me.
“Sandra, please,” Bryce’s father interjected, “calm down. You’re not being fair. You know Katie loved our Bryce. Her being alone isn’t going to bring him back. Remember the last time Katie and Jack came to visit? You commented on how thin and sad Katie looked. You even wondered whether or not you should ask her if she was having health problems. It’s good to see her looking like her old self again. She needs to be there for our grandson. I know this is hard, but she has the right to be happy.”
“What about our rights? I don’t think I’ll ever be happy again. And what do I have to be fair about? Our boy is dead. Dead! Now I have to wonder if you ever truly loved my son at all. And how does Jack feel? I imagine he is as devastated as we are. How can you do this to him? I never expected you to be so selfish.” She started to sob.
A long, painful moment passed before I tried to speak. “I’m sorry you feel that way. I loved your son more than anything in the world, and I’ll never forget him. I see him every time I look in Jackson’s eyes. I’m sorry to have upset you; that was not my intent. I just thought you should know what I was doing. I love you both and hope you don’t take your anger out on Jack. You are his grandparents, and he loves you very much.”
Without waiting for their response, I stood up and left the house. I started the car and drove to the end of the block. When I got to the first stop sign, I put the car in park, turned off the engine, and started sobbing hysterically. I had known they wouldn’t be thrilled with my news, but I hadn’t expected to be attacked like I was. How could they think I didn’t love their son? I loved him with every fiber of my being. It wasn’t fair for them to expect me to mourn the rest of my life. I didn’t regret my decision, but I hadn’t expected to feel guilty about it. God, this really sucked. Didn’t they realize that I was barely functioning before Ian came into my life? I was lucky I hadn’t died of malnourishment and a severely broken heart. I would always love their son, but I’d made him a promise. And it was a promise I intended to keep.
43
I got the most frantic phone call from Katharine. She was driving home from the Collinses’, and it didn’t sound like it had gone well. I could barely make out what she was saying, so I just told her that I would meet
her at my place. I was afraid that her apartment might hold too many memories at the moment; she sounded very fragile. I had never heard her so distraught. Her sobs were so intense that it sounded like she was hiccupping between every breath. She kept trying to reiterate the things Bryce’s mom had said to her, but her speech was barely audible. I tried to talk to her calmly, so she wouldn’t get into an accident. It scared me that she had to make the drive back from Connecticut by herself. I talked to her for several minutes, until her sobbing subsided.
I was able to get home before she got there. I filled a tub, opened a bottle of wine, and put soft music on. When she walked though my front door, she dropped her purse on the floor and ran into my arms. She sobbed into my chest, and I just held her. When she started to calm down, I walked her to the kitchen to fetch a glass of wine. She told me about all of the awful things Mrs. Collins had said to her. It was obvious that her in-laws weren’t dealing well with their son’s passing. I told her I was proud of her for going there to tell them her plans for the future. I continued to rub her back as we talked, and eventually I felt her calming down.
In order to bring some levity into the room, I asked her, “She really called you a ‘two-bit hussy’?”
“Yes. It was awful,” she said quietly. “Why couldn’t they have been a little understanding? My parents loved Bryce too, but they were able to be happy for us when we told them we were engaged. They saw how heartbroken I was after he died. That was why they thanked you. They were able to understand that you brought me another chance to find some happiness in my life. God, it was so horrible, Ian.”
