by Rick Goeld
“Oh, sure, dear. You don’t have to worry about that.”
“I do worry about you, Mom. The last time I visited, you were skin and bones.”
“Well, I’ve always looked after my figure. So, when are you going to come and visit?”
More guilt. “I’ve been pretty busy.”
“Are you still living in San Antonio?”
“No. I’m in Austin now. I’ve got a job here.”
“A job? What kind of job?”
“I’m working for the soy industry.”
“Oh. Soy. You know, we grow that here at the commune.”
“I know, Mom.” Your commune … every commune … every farm … everyone grows soy.
“What kind of job is it, dear?”
Let’s see: I fuck who I’m told to fuck … and get paid to do it. “I work in an office.”
“What? You’ll have to speak a little louder.”
“I work in an office, Mom. You know, filing, working on-line, writing emails, that sort of thing.”
“Well … that sounds exciting.”
“Most days it’s pretty dull. Hold on again, Mom.” Find something to eat … nacho-cheese-flavored crackers … those’ll work. “Okay, I’m back.”
“And … do you have any boyfriends? You’re not getting any younger, you know.”
Tell me about it. “Well, I am seeing a man.”
“Oh, good.”
“Actually, I’m seeing two men.”
“Two? That sounds like me when I was younger.”
“I remember, Mom.” You were a real mover.
“What are they like?”
“Well, one’s my boss. The other … he’s a student at UT.”
“Oh. Your boss is one of your boyfriends?”
“Yeah. He’s”—how should I say this—“he’s very good at what he does. He’s very smart. Aggressive.”
“Handsome?”
“Yes, Mom. I wouldn’t go out with him if he wasn’t good-looking.”
“And what does the other one do?
Like I said … “He’s a student at UT.”
“Oh. What does he study?”
“He’s a business major.”
“Is he handsome?”
“Yes, Mom.” Like I said … “I only go out with good-looking guys.”
“Well, dear, you’re not getting any younger.”
“I know, Mom.”
“Which one do you like better?”
Let’s see: this line of questioning usually leads to engagement, marriage, and grandchildren. “I can’t tell at this point. It’s too soon to know.”
“Well … I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”
“I will, Mom.”
“So … when are you going to come visit me?”
