by Gillian Chan
Wong Bak and Tsung Sook are also happy. Business has been good. This makes me happy too, for it will add to our savings. They want to plan a banquet to celebrate the Winter Solstice Festival next week. I had forgotten about the festival. They were laughing and planning who we might invite. They each have friends among the bachelors. I know that they would include Mr. Chee, but he might be invited to the Lees’ too. Who would I invite? I would invite Yook Jieh of course, and, though I know it cannot be, I would dearly love to invite Bess. She could not come. She has never come into Chinatown.
Ai-yah! I have done it again. I am thinking always about here. Winter Solstice Festival is the time for families to come together. It is now the fourth year we are a family that is broken apart by the ocean!
Sunday, December 17
Just a short time to write. After Baba left for work, I slept in. I have never done that before. I was very tired and had slept so little because of Baba’s cough. It is loud and sounds like a motor car engine trying to start. I swear it made the screen around his bed shake.
I did not wake up until he came home just after lunch. He is not well. I persuaded him to go to bed and stay there. He tried to say that he must go to the restaurant later, but I was very fierce and said that Wong Bak would understand. I wished that I could have gone to the Baldwins’ in his place this morning.
Wong Bak is a good man, and he did understand, but it meant I had to work extra hard, helping with preparation, while Tsung Sook did the serving. I am tired now, and will stop writing. Baba was sleeping deeply when I came home with Mr. Chee. I am using a candle to write by so as not to disturb him. He has not coughed. This is good.
Monday, December 18
Both Bess and Declan were absent from school today. I do hope they are all right.
I felt like a little mouse, scurrying from place to place, looking over my shoulder all the time, just waiting for Ivor to pounce on me. It makes me sad, but I realize that, apart from Bess, I have no other friends at school. I haven’t needed them because she has always been there. Ada Howe sometimes talks to Bess, but I do not feel brave enough to presume that she would talk to me.
Mr. Hughes let me stay inside at recess. There were some textbooks that needed covering and I asked if I might do that.
Poor Lily did not know what to make of me today. I bundled her into her coat and then we ran all the way home. I tried to say it was a game, but she did not look happy. There was no sign of Ivor.
Tuesday, December 19
Ivor caught me today, Diary, but he is such a clever boy that I can do nothing. I am very sad, but I can tell no one but you.
We were in class, writing an essay. Mr. Hughes was writing some Maths problems on the board. Ivor put up his hand and asked if he might get some more ink for the well on his desk. When he was given permission, he went to the front and picked up the big flask of ink with the spout. As he walked back down the aisle to his seat behind me, he was grinning. Just as he came near, he pretended to stumble forward as if he had tripped on something, and he swung the ink bottle so that ink flew out all over my desk, my essay and, worst of all, me — great splashes of ink all over my white middy blouse. I cried out and Mr. Hughes turned. Ivor quickly said, “Oh, no! Look what I have done. I’m sorry, sir, but I tripped.” Ink had hit his desk too, but only a little.
I am ashamed, because I cried. I sat there and cried. Mr. Hughes was kind. He sent me to one of the lady teachers. She found me an old blouse to wear and soaked mine, but not all the ink came out. It hangs on the back of a chair as I write and I see the marks still, pale blue shadows. Mr. Hughes made Ivor clear up the mess on the desks, but did not punish him. How could he — it was just an accident, wasn’t it? He did not hear Ivor later when he whispered in my ear, “That’s just the start, May Chin!”
I do not want to write any more.
Wednesday, December 20
I was alone again today. Bess and Declan are still away. All day I was on edge, but Ivor did nothing more to me. Well, nothing except smirking, and once he sort of jumped toward me in the corridor. I screamed and he laughed. I wish I were braver.
Baba is feeling better, much better, and that makes my heart very glad. I am very lucky as I do not seem to have caught anything from either him or Mr. Chee. Baba noticed my blouse last night and wanted to know what had happened. I am ashamed of myself but I lied to him. I said that I had dropped the ink bottle. I do not want him to worry. Nor do I want him to think he has not made a wise decision by sending me to school. I know how lucky I am. I think he believed me because he just grunted and said no more.
I am having to become a very sneaky girl in lots of ways. Even though it made me a little late, I changed my blouse last night before I went to Miss MacDonald. I did not want her asking me questions. She is such a determined person that it is hard not to answer her. I could just see her going to the school and telling Mr. Hughes what had happened, and that would be a very, very bad thing. My life is already being made miserable because I got Ivor into trouble.
Thursday, December 21
Oh, I have surprised myself. Not even two full weeks and I have come to depend on going to see Miss MacDonald. Today will be the last time that she can see me until January, as she is going home to Ontario to visit her family. Her brother is a minister in Toronto. He has many children, she told me, and one of her nieces is just my age. She smiled and said that this niece reminds her of me, as she loves to learn too.
When it was time for me to go, Miss MacDonald stood up and took a package from the bureau and shoved it toward me. “It’s a Christmas gift, May,” she said. “I picked up one for my niece too.” She seemed embarrassed and would not look at me. “I know you probably don’t celebrate Christmas, but isn’t one of your festivals at this time? Can it be a gift for that?”
My heart was very full. I knew it was a book, by the feel of the package, and knew it couldn’t be a diary because I have told Miss MacDonald about you. She looked so awkward and hopeful all at the same time, so I told her that yes we do give each other presents at Winter Solstice, but I did not tell her that it is usually just family and that new clothes are the gift. She asked me to open it, and it was beautiful. It is a book called Anne of Green Gables by a lady called L.M. Montgomery. Miss MacDonald said that when I read it, I will see that Anne and I are a little alike. I have never ever owned a book before. I shall treasure it as much as I do you, Diary.
It has been a good day today. Only one more day of school, and I will not have to worry about Ivor until January. He kept sneaking up behind me again, but I tried to make sure that I was always where there were crowds. Bess is still not back, nor is Declan. I worry for them, even though I don’t really like Declan.
Friday, December 22
Lots more rain today, but I am no longer the ice girl, just the wet one! We stayed in at recess so it was easy to avoid Ivor. Ada’s desk mate, Maisie, was away so she asked Mr. Hughes if I could move and sit with her. This was surprising to me — surprising that she would ask, and surprising that he agreed. He was very jolly today; all the teachers were. We did not have normal lessons, but sang carols, drew pictures and played word games and quizzes. I knew a lot of the answers, but felt shy about putting my hand up. Ivor did very well and he got an extra piece of the candy that Mr. Hughes had brought in for us. I decided to keep mine and share it with either Yook Jieh or Mr. Chee. It was chocolate. Some people had brought Mr. Hughes little gifts. I did not, and that made me feel very bad because he has been so kind to me. Ada said that she didn’t have money to buy gifts so she had made him one, a pen wipe out of felt. She had embroidered it so that it looked like a flower that she called a pansy. It was very lovely. I shall do that, and I won’t wait until next Christmas either, because he might not be my teacher then. I shall make him and Miss MacDonald something during the holidays.
There was good news too, when I took Lily home. I had thought that Mrs. Lee would not need me now that school was done for a while, but her baby is due so
on, and she has asked me to come for much of the day, starting next week, to help mind the children. She will pay me 25¢ a day! I will be rich — that is, if Baba says I may go.
It was a lovely day, but it would have been lovelier if Bess had returned. I asked Ada if she knew what was wrong, but she said she had not seen any of the Murphys around their neighbourhood all this week. Now my worry is getting bigger.
Saturday, December 23
This will be a long entry, Diary, to make up for how I have been neglecting you, and because it has been a special day, both sweet and bitter. Sweet because we celebrated the Winter Solstice Festival with a banquet just like Wong Bak and Tsung Sook planned, but bitter because all day thoughts of Ma flooded into my heart. It is a family time, and although we gathered with the friends who have become our family here, it made the absence of our real families harder to bear. I cried a little when I thought of China, picturing our simple house and the fields around it. Ma, Grandfather and Grandmother (I see Grandmother healthy in my mind, because that’s how I want her to be) eating their special meal. I can’t see my little brother so easily because he was born after I left for Gum Shan with Baba, but I know that he will be strong and sturdy. He has a strong, good name too — Sing-wah, which means “Arise, China!” I made sure my tears fell only when no one was there to see them.
It was a day when I kept a promise. I asked Mrs. Lee if Lily could visit the restaurant today. She has wanted to for such a long time. I took her this morning. It was very funny because with me she chatters like a little monkey, but when she met Wong Bak and Tsung Sook her words dried up. They were very kind, and Tsung Sook carved her a rose from a radish. Her “M’goi” was very quiet, but Tsung Sook smiled to hear her thanks.
Oh, our banquet was fine. In the restaurant, the usual smells of onions and garlic were there, but I could also smell black beans. They are Baba’s favourites. He had asked Mrs. Baldwin if he could come home early if he worked the whole day tomorrow, and she agreed. Mr. Chee and I spent most of the day at the restaurant. I was right, he was invited to the Lees too, but he is crafty and has arranged to eat with them tomorrow! He sat and drank tea while I helped Wong Bak and Tsung Sook with the preparations. I was surprised by my Baba. He was later than I thought, and when he came he had a bag with him — a bag from Woodward’s. In it were two most beautiful middy waists, just my size, one pale blue and one pink. Best of all, they have detachable collars, so if I am careful, I can just wash those collars and not the whole blouse. I started to say that we needed to save our money, but he stopped me and said, “You need to have proper clothes too, Ah-Mei.” I have the best, most thoughtful Baba in the whole world.
We closed the restaurant early. Our guests arrived and what food there was! Not the fancy rich man’s food like the Mahs had at their banquet, but like the food Ma cooked at home. My mouth is filling with water just thinking about it! Everyone enjoyed it, smacking their lips and praising Wong Bak. We made chicken cooked three ways: steamed and white with a tasty sauce of oil, scallions and ginger; a rich, rich soup with beads of fat on the surface; and then while we sat around the table, Wong Bak stir-fried the gizzard, heart and liver with vegetables. There was a pork butt roast, braised with ginger and sugar, a big steamed fish, stir-fried beef and vegetable, and then the Toong Yuan. That soup made us all silent, and I could see memories rise in people’s eyes. The little sticky rice balls bobbed on the surface of the soup, white ones and then some stained pink for good fortune. Toong Yuan. Oh, those words hurt when I thought about how their meaning can change if you pronounce them just a little differently — rice-ball soup, or family reunion. In all our different ways then, that is what we thought about, what we wanted. Baba patted my hand. His voice raspy, he said, “We will do it, Ah-Mei, if we work hard, we will do it!”
Sunday, December 24
Why is it that my life switches from good to bad so quickly?
It is my own fault. I should listen more. My Baba told me not to venture out of Chinatown after he found out I went to Woodward’s with Bess, but I twisted his words in my head. I promised him that I would not go out with Bess again, and I didn’t — I went looking for her. I know that is deceit, but I just had to find out why she and Declan had both missed school. Last night I could not sleep, thinking about how she has been such a good friend to me, almost like a sister. And how sad she had been, how bruised Declan was. Winter Solstice kept turning my thoughts to how important family and friends are. Bess would probably have just snorted and said that I had indigestion from too much rich food.
This morning, soon after Baba left for work, I sneaked out, creeping like a mouse so I would not draw Mr. Chee’s attention. It is not far to Bess’s house, but I have never been there. I did not know what I would say, or even know that I would say anything when I got there. Maybe I would see Declan playing on Union Street, and then I could go home happy.
Now I do not know what to do. The Murphys have gone.
When I knocked on the door, and I really did knock only quietly, a man wearing just an undershirt and trousers threw it open and shouted at me for disturbing him so early. He seemed very angry. He was very hairy, like an animal. His voice made mine very small when I asked if he was Mr. Murphy. His face got all red then, and he yelled some more, fast and loud with the spit flying from his mouth. I did not understand all he said, but, oh, Diary, I am so sad for Bess. The man said her father had gone, “had done a bunk.” He got angrier and angrier, shouting like it was my fault. Nasty words came out, “Feckless, bloody Irish, spending their money on drink. They haven’t paid the last two months’ rent!” I think he was the landlord, because he boasted — boasted that he had put them out on the street where they belonged. How could anyone take pleasure in making people miserable like that?
I asked very politely, because I did not want to make him even angrier, if he knew where they had gone. It was very strange. It was like he only then saw me. “What’s it to you, you little Chink?” he said, pushing his face close to mine.
I shrank away, backing down the steps. I did not want to hear this man any more. He raised his arm like he would hit me. “Clear off out of here, you yellow heathen, disturbing decent people on Christmas Eve!”
I ran, oh how I ran, Diary. I did not look back until my own building was in my view. I did not even care about being quiet on the stairs. I slammed my door behind me and threw myself onto my bed.
It has taken me an hour to calm down. Writing what happened has helped, but oh, where are Bess and her family, what has become of them?
January 1923
Monday, January 1, 1923
Did you wonder what had happened to me, Diary? A whole week, and not one little word!
Ai-yah, it has been a time of scurrying and excitement. Mrs. Lee’s baby was born soon after I finished writing last Sunday — another boy. Mr. Chee came hobbling over fast and said that I was needed there. I was scared, because I know nothing about helping a baby be born. It is so different here with no mother-in-law to help, or maybe a midwife. Mrs. Yip sometime acts as a midwife, but she was not there when Mr. Chee and I arrived. I could hear Mrs. Lee groaning and it made my heart stand still with fear. Lily had the children all sitting in the store, and that is where they stayed and Mr. Chee and I with them. That is what Mr. Lee wanted: Mr. Chee to mind the store, and me to watch over the children.
All day we were there. We sent a message to Wong Bak to say that we could not leave. It was very hard. I kept trying to think of games to keep the children busy, but the little ones’ eyes were big and scared when they heard their mother. Singing songs, the songs my Ma used to sing me, worked best.
It was night before Mr. Lee came down and said that a boy had been born. He looked tired, but he smiled when he told us that it was a puny, ill-favoured baby. We smiled too, but Arthur did not understand. He started to cry and I had to explain that this meant just the opposite — the baby was strong and healthy, but it is ill luck to say so in case the ghosts and evil spirits become jeal
ous. There was blood on Mr. Lee’s apron, but thankfully the children did not notice.
All week I have been helping the Lees and I have not had a moment to myself, Diary, in which to write in you. I tried taking you there, but Arthur grabbed you when I started to write, so I did not do this again. You are too precious to be carelessly spoiled.
Mrs. Lee was very weak; she bled a lot. But she did not want to go to the hospital. That too would be ill luck, as she must stay inside for forty days after a baby’s birth. So it was my job to care for the children and her. I am tired. Looking after children is hard work although they were good, even Arthur! I liked being there, being part of a family. Mrs. Lee talked more to me than she has ever done, telling me about her journey here when she was just sixteen. I had thought her very old, but now I realize she is younger than Ma, perhaps only twenty-four.
It was good to be busy. It gave me little time to think, but now as I sit and write the thoughts come back, the ones that bother me — thoughts about whether my grandmother is well again, whether our money reached her to buy good medicine. And then the here thoughts, because school starts tomorrow. I still have not made a gift for Mr. Hughes, but will try to do so soon. Has Ivor forgotten the threats he made? I doubt it, and without Bess how can I cope with such misery? Ah, that is a twisted thought because it thinks only of me, but what of Bess? Where is she?
Tuesday, January 2
I am the happiest girl alive! Bess was in school! At first there was no sign of her, but she arrived, out of breath, just as Mr. Hughes was taking the register. She dropped down in the seat next to me like nothing had been wrong.
At recess we stayed inside because of the heavy rain, so I asked her.
