Lucy steps over me, a sob escaping as she rushes back to the path. Back to home, where her parents are waiting. Good parents that won’t let me down in their love for her.
When she’s out of sight, I brush the snow from my hair and flip off the tree-line. There. Happy now? I push myself up and out of the snow, walking along the tracks Lucy and I made together. Forward, I’ve got to move forward and get to my car that I conveniently parked around the corner.
With the door finally shut, I throw on my sunglasses, seeking safety from any lurking photographers. The pain comes then, that horrid break I knew would sever my soul. “Lucy,” I whisper through quick breaths that fight back tears. It’s no use though, the tears come, shaking my chest as the reality hits that I just forced away the only person in my life who feels right.
Lucy, the girl I’ll love forever. My Lady.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Lucy
Mom grabs me as my knees crash into the kitchen floor.
“What’s happening?” Dad’s voice bounces through my head, but I can’t get the words out past the sobs. Mom rubs my shoulders. “It’ll be okay, Lucy.”
“What will be okay? What’s happened? More photos?” Dad rushes to the laptop.
“No,” I gasp. “Yes. I…” Gagging takes over, a bowl lands in front of me just in time.
“Was she poisoned? Sarah, I’m calling the cops.”
“No, Dan,” Mom says softly. “It’s not that. It’s…”
“Justin,” I whisper. “He…” But the words won’t come out. Instead I fold in half, pressing myself into the floor harder with every new sob, wishing they’d swallow me whole.
“Oh.” Dad’s hands lift me from the floor. “Let’s get you to your room, okay?”
“He doesn’t love me.”
Dad kisses my head as he leads me up the stairs, Mom right behind. Somehow, they get me to bed, turned toward the wall. Mom slides beside me, resting her hand on my back. Her hand is my constant as my body freaks out. Sobbing, gagging, gasping for breath.
Justin.
I know he’s been keeping his distance since the photographs, but I still can’t believe I missed his shift.
I’m such a fool.
He too easily tossed me aside. His love was never real.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Justin
Nothing can prepare you for breaking two hearts at once. I’m an expert at filleting a heart. Every text I’ve ignored is me slicing into her and back into myself. At least the texts have stopped. It’s been over two weeks since she’s reached out. A full month of ignoring Lucy. But it worked; she’s off the internet, out of the paper. Her last photo showed her shoving me to the ground. She came out with her reputation intact, looking confident and strong.
The C minus marked on the top of my assignment actually feels good, finally a punishment for hurting the love of my life. I grab my bag as the teacher stacks the essay tests up front. Jen leans over. “Where are you going?”
“Ditching class.”
“Justin…” She grabs me, dragging me to her side. “Don’t you dare miss this essay. I can’t cover for you right now.”
“No need to try,” I say, enjoying the burn of what my actions will surely bring me.
“You’ll fail the class.”
“I know. I’m cool with that.” It feels good to brush past her after all of the lectures she’s given me about breaking up with Lucy. She thinks I’m an ass, and maybe I am, but she’s seriously getting annoying. The exit door at the top of the steps makes a giant creak as I yank it open. Nice angsty exit. No wonder people make stupid decisions. This rush is total freedom.
The wormy smell of spring hits me like oil-based paint as I step outside. March doesn’t mean sunshine and flowers in Minnesota. It means filthy snow, heavy clouds, and a general feeling of being pissed off.
As I yank open my car door, I’m jolted sideways. What the hell? Ian stands behind me, holding me back from the car with the strap of my bag.
“What’s up? We haven’t talked in a while,” Ian says, without his usual smile.
“I’ve been busy.”
“Dude, you don’t have to lie. I know you broke up with Lucy.”
“Did she tell you?” The jealousy from those winter nights he spent with Lucy in a hotel resurfaces. “Did you mop up her tears, too?”
Ian takes a step away from me, dropping the strap of my bag. “Whoa, who the hell are you?” His words are a punch to my gut. That’s a good question. I don’t even know.
He turns to leave but pauses to say one more thing. “For the record, I did mop up her tears. I never thought they’d end, but they did.”
“About time.”
He stares at me for a second, then waves me away. “I was planning on asking your permission, but never mind. If I ask Lucy out, you obviously don’t give a rip.”
Dating Lucy?
What?
He leaves then, sliding into the rusty shell of what was once a Toyota Corolla. His engine chokes to life and he peels out of the parking lot, leaving me in the thickness of the gas fumes. My palm flies to my phone, opening it to read Lucy’s last text one more time. The only text from all of her attempts to communicate that I refused to believe. Is it the truth?
Lucy: I’m over you now. I realize what we had wasn’t real love. Goodbye.
My phone slides from my hand, bouncing on the pavement. The screen faces up at me, splintered like a spiderweb. Pretty sure my soul looks like that too. Why am I such an idiot? Here I’ve been going through self-destruction because of guilt and Lucy’s already moved on.
I grab a pen and run back toward the building. Well, if she can’t recognize what we had as true love, then maybe she never really loved me at all. The thought of her not loving me burns in my chest. My arrogance will forever be a battle for me. Losing her love never seemed like an option, even when I split things off.
The lecture door opens with another creak. All eyes stare at me as I walk down the steps to the front of the room. If Lucy can move forward, so can I. There’ll be tons of girls to date at college. All those ice cream flavors to sample until I find the right one. Lucy was just a temporary distraction. Blowing this essay is no longer an option. It’s my ticket to moving on from the ache that’s consuming me.
The professor lifts his eyes as I approach his desk. I bend down and offer one word of explanation under my breath. “Diarrhea.”
Chapter Twenty-Five
Lucy
The shards left in my heart make breathing hard. I move through life struggling to keep the sting of bitterness from my tongue. For once I’m thankful for my bullied year; it taught me how to power through hell.
Laura and Marissa hold the coffee shop door open for me. My coffee shop. Sure, Justin introduced me to the place, but it’s not like we went here together more than a few times. He was always way too busy with that stupid calendar. Ian waves to us from the music corner while we order our drinks. Straight up, black coffee for me.
Laura’s eyebrows bop toward Ian’s corner. Marissa nudges me as he starts singing into the microphone. They’re right, his voice is totally gorgeous. My face heats a bit and I bite my lip, embarrassed he invited me to come tonight. He probably meant alone, but I had to bring Laura and Marissa with. After everything with Justin, I don’t want to start anything new without girlfriend approval.
Marissa throws her hair up in a top bun and I can’t help but smile. Her transformation has made my heartbreak bearable. Her eyeliner isn’t as thick and her skirts aren’t as short. Her real laugh is actually pleasing and cute, instead of that awful “man” attracting cackle she created long ago. The gross guys at school are finally leaving her alone, and the nice ones are starting to notice her. It’s funny though, she’s clueless when a real guy seems to actually be interested in her. Weird.
My body’s turned, listening to Ian sing as I try to force out all thoughts of Justin. The How Did This Happen? Didn’t He Love Me? He’ll Come Around mome
nts are always bombarding me. But this evening, I’m focusing on Ian.
Laura’s right. He’s really sweet, smart, and when he sings he’s super hot. He’s never asked me about the photos, but he has to know.
Instead, he spent the last month helping me with my homework on Saturday mornings or texting me songs to listen to and stupid jokes. His approach has been gentle and I appreciate that.
His eyes meet mine and my stomach tickles. That’s good, right? What I had with Justin, my body’s overwhelming chemical need to be near him, was only a product of lust.
Maybe a tiny tickle is how real love starts?
Ian’s blue eyes have a way of smiling that I like. The last strum of his guitar comes sooner than I want. I shift uncomfortably, knowing tonight is different. Marissa leans over. “He’s nice. Get a grip. This is no big deal.”
Ian puts his guitar away and then joins the table, sliding in next to me without hesitation. I like that, it’s natural.
“You were awesome,” I say, forcing myself to give him a playful nudge. This is how flirting works, right? With Justin, these moments just happened. It’s weird to try to create them now.
“Thanks, it was great of you guys to come. Want to play a game?”
“Yes! That sounds awesome! Luke is too wrapped up in March Madness to have any real fun. Can I pick?” Laura asks, not waiting for an answer and bounding from the booth to the shelf of games on the wall. I eye the cribbage board that’s totally my thing with Ian now. If Laura wasn’t here, Ian wouldn’t have even asked. The board would arrive with his drink.
Laura returns with a bright pink and purple box. “Trivial Pursuit?”
“Sure,” Ian says as Marissa groans. “Have you played before?” he asks with a light laugh.
“Nope, but come on. We all know I’m doomed.”
“You never know. You may surprise yourself,” Ian says as he opens the box to set up the game. The game begins and quickly I realize I’m horrible at this. Even though it’s an updated version, I’ve spent the last few years so self-involved that I’ve been clueless about what’s going on in the world. Laura kicks butt with the history category, I hold my own in science, and Marissa nails the entertainment questions.
Ian’s pie fills in quickly. I lean over and whisper, “You’re not in some crazy Trivial Pursuit homeschooling club, are you?”
He nudges me softly. “We have a monthly tournament.” I smile back, totally not able to read if he’s serious. Maybe he does? I don’t want to insult him or something. Not that that would be lame. But… come on. It kind of would be, right?
Marissa finally lands on Arts and Literature and immediately she’s biting her lip. Ian reads the question: “What potion does Professor Slughorn ask the class to make in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince of which Harry first opts to use the scribbled advice of the Half-Blood prince?”
Laura laughs.
“Next,” I say, mocking the words Marissa has used with every category but Entertainment. Marissa’s laugh doesn’t follow though. Instead, her head bobs, her eyes focused as her finger traces a scratch on the table. Finally, she looks up and takes a deep breath.
“Draught of the Living Death,” she says.
“Correct!” Ian chimes, giving her a high-five.
“What?” Laura says. “Are you kidding me? You’re a Harry Potter geek?”
Marissa shrugs. “They’re awesome books. I have no problem with it.” Awesome books? I’ve never seen anything with words in Marissa’s hands but girly magazines!
Ian leans toward Marissa, putting down the card with a mischievous look in his eye. “When wizards travel by fireplace, what is that method of transportation called?”
She rolls her eyes. “The Floo Network. That wasn’t even hard. Next,” she says with a grin.
“What is the spell that protects Harry Potter from Voldemort?”
Marissa sighs as she sits back in the booth. I wait for her to take out her bun, toss her hair, do her laugh… something flirtatious. I mean, Ian’s playing right into her but she doesn’t budge. Instead, she crosses her arms. “That’s the stupidest question ever. Everyone knows that Harry is protected not by a spell, but the oldest magic of all. Love.”
Laura squeals. “Oh my gawd. I love when people turn my life upside down. You,” she hugs Marissa, “…have just overhauled my concept of you and I love it! My little brother owns all the movies, want to come over and watch sometime?”
Marissa pulls her iPad from her purse and taps around a few times. “I’ve got the special editions on here if you want to see them with me?” The smile on Marissa’s face is brilliant as she proudly passes around the iPad. Yup, they’re all there. All eight movies. Wow.
Ian whistles. “Nice, Marissa. Very nice.”
“Thanks,” she says simply, dropping her eyes from his and taking a sip of her latte. Then she turns to Laura. “Do you want to check out the boutique across the street with me?”
“Yeah, that sounds fun. Those hats in the window are awesome.” Laura snatches her purse and rises.
I suppress a groan. Clearly the old lady hats in the window across the street are everything but awesome. The place probably smells like cats. I doubt it’s even open past eight on a Friday night. Ian and I stand up, giving them each brief hugs goodbye. Laura winks at me as she leaves. Ian chuckles so I know he saw it. Laura, seriously!
“Thanks for coming tonight,” Ian says as we sit back down. “I love it when you’re here when I play.”
“You’re really good.”
“Lots of practice.”
“Maybe, but there’s natural talent there. That type of stuff can’t be learned.”
“Thanks,” he says, shifting a bit closer to me. His breath quickens and I brace myself for what he’s about to ask me. My heart throttles forward, trying to get me to run to the door. It’s not ready for another guy. Clearly.
But I am. My heart just needs to get over the break. Move on. The pain of sulking in my memories of Justin’s touch and smell, or… well… whatever he did to me, is killing me. I need new memories to cling to now.
“Lucy, would you like to go out to dinner sometime? Would that be of interest to you?”
Would that be of interest to you? I bite my lip, refusing to acknowledge the awkwardness of his homeschooled charm.
“That sounds nice,” I say.
“Really?” He sounds a bit too eager, like Alex used to.
“Of course,” I say, my words a bit forced. “We’ll have fun.”
“Great. Do you like Mexican food? I was thinking I could take you to this great place in Minneapolis next Saturday night. That is, if you’re available.”
Suddenly, my palms grow sweaty. Dinner, alone with Ian? What happens after the dinner, after the ride in the car? Do we make out? I still dream about Justin’s lips every night. Will I only think about Justin if I kiss Ian? Oh my gosh. I’d be cheating on Ian without even trying… Cheating on him with a guy who would only want me around for benefits. That’s absurd. I can’t let this happen.
“Or we can just hang out here, if you want,” Ian adds quickly.
“Uh…” I open my phone, looking for a way out. My face heats, worried he’ll misinterpret the crash of my heart against my ribcage for lust. My calendar finally loads and a safer way to handle our first date stares back at me. The big spring break party at Watson’s house. There’ll be tons of people there. I won’t actually be alone with him. He doesn’t seem like the guy who’ll make out in a public place. The party’s perfect.
“Actually…” I point to the event on my calendar. “There’s this spring break party I was hoping to go to that night. Want to come with me to that?”
“Yeah, that sounds solid.”
“Great.”
We sit silently for a moment and I pray the heat from my freak out isn’t sending mixed signals. Please don’t kiss me right now. He slides a micro-millimeter closer and that’s when I launch into full freak out. Suddenly, I’m crawling over hi
m, out of the booth. Sure, I probably just shoved my butt in his face but I need my space. “How about another game of cribbage?” I offer the moment I realize how awkward I’m being.
“Sure. Why not?”
“Awesome-sauce!” I say. Oh my gosh, seriously? Who am I? I grab the cribbage board and return to the booth, this time sliding in across from him. He smiles at me as he shuffles the deck.
“You should know that I’ve been studying techniques since you last beat me. You’re going down.”
I laugh, thankful that Ian transitioned our situation back to the friendship side of things. “We’ll see about that,” I say with a forced mischievous glance as he gives me my hand of cards. The numbers are like a punch to the gut though. Numbers always remind me of how good Justin is at Math.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Justin
Alex tosses me the ball and I square up. Swish. Seventh three-pointer in a row.
“You’re on fire, man!”
“Thanks,” I pant, receiving another toss, which I bank off the backboard.
“Eight!”
“I feel good,” I say, wiping the sweat from my face. “Thanks for getting me out here.” I square up for another shot, but he doesn’t toss the rock. What the heck? I’m killing it here.
He palms the ball. “I want to talk.”
“What about?”
“What do you think?”
“Listen, I’m sorry I didn’t name you as captain of the basketball team. You’ll only be a sophomore next year. Don’t worry about it. Your time will come.”
“No, idiot. Not about that. About you. How are you, man?”
“I’m good. Fine.” I slap my hands. “Now, toss me the rock.” He does and I throw it back up. The ball ticks the rim. Crap. Streak’s over.
“Sorry,” Alex says. He picks up the ball and swishes the net with a simple hook shot. “Are you okay, though? I haven’t seen you around school in ages.”
“I only go for a few classes every other day now. Most everything’s at the University now.”
Perfectly Messy Page 20
