“Stella! You’ve known him for less than a week. Are you mentally unwell? The sex has to be off the freaking charts if you’re even considering—”
“Calm down! I didn’t sleep with him . . . yet.”
“What?” For some reason, her reaction made me angrier. Wasn’t it a good thing that I hadn’t given up my innocence to a man I’d only known seven days? Crap, I was losing this battle and confusing myself more. Not what I wanted to gain from this Nina-lashing.
“You haven’t even had sex with the guy and you’re ready to throw it all away?”
Did my own twin have that little faith in me? Now I was defensive. “Throw what away, Nina? You’re jumping to conclusions.” I started to rise from the couch, I couldn’t listen to anymore of her uninformed criticism, but she pulled me back down to her and placed a reassuring hand on my knee.
“I’m sorry, Stells. I didn’t mean to act like a bitch. You can talk to me. It’s just . . . I can see the look on your face. I’ve noticed how you’ve been acting the last few days and I’m worried for you.”
I was worried for me too. How had this happened? I was losing my grip on reality. That wasn’t me. “Why did this have to happen now, Neen? It’s so unfair.” For the first time all night, I wanted to cry. I was nothing but happy—euphoric even—during my date with Jack this evening. I was preoccupied with kissing and laughing and living in the moment. I’d forgotten to think about the consequences—again, so unlike me. But now I was in too deep and I needed to figure out a way to get everything I wanted without abandoning my well-thought-out plans.
My sister wrapped a loving arm around me and I lay my head against her shoulder. I was usually the one with the sound advice, the maternal one. The one who came up with the plan that got us out of a dilemma or solved the impossible. This time, that job fell on Nina. I didn’t have it in me to weigh out my options and make a decision. I wasn’t thinking clearly. My heart was in charge right now, and if I allowed this fleeting moment of happiness to win over what was logically right for my future I’d be doomed. Love was not the answer to everything. I wasn’t a cynic but I also wasn’t stupid. I’d seen enough turmoil unfold around me to know that life wasn’t all rainbows and unicorns.
“Let it play out, Stells. It’s all you can do. You’ll know what you need to do. You’ve always made the right decision in the past. Why should this be any different?”
Nina’s response reminded me of what Jack said on the beach about letting it go. It sounded simple enough, but matters of the heart never were. I was certain I had a solid life ahead of me in New York. There was no denying that. My uncertainty lay in my feelings for Jack and the strength of those emotions. Was I caught up in the moment? Or was this the real thing? How could I be sure? “Nina, I’ve never felt this way before.” There was my answer. Plain as day.
“I can tell. He must be amazing, Stells.” Her features softened. She was no longer a reprimanding lecturer, but now a curious sister.
“He is. He’s so charming and sweet and just . . . perfect.” I sounded like all those lovesick girls I used to gag at. Like Nina when she first met Ryan! This kind of reaction used to win an eye roll from me, and now here I sat doing my own pathetic drooling. Suddenly it didn’t seem so pathetic. Now I understood.
“Can I ask something without you judging me? Like, I want the same advice you’d give a friend. Not something you think I want to hear or something that sounds right. Real, honest truth. Okay?”
“Sheesh, Stells. I get it. Spit it out already.”
It seemed so childish, but some juvenile part of me needed to say it out loud. “I want him to be my first. Is that crazy? Is it a recipe for disaster?”
Nina thought long and hard before focusing her attention on my squirming hands. I couldn’t sit still. I hadn’t wanted approval from my sister in so long. I needed guidance more than ever.
When she brought her eyes up to mine I thought I’d combust from fear of scrutiny, but there was only empathy written on her face. It set me at ease. “I can’t tell you what to do with that part of you, babe. Shit! I wished I’d consulted you before I gave it up to that dumbass jock back in high school, but that’s how we’re different. I’m more spontaneous, less calculated. That works for me. You . . . not so much. But when it comes to the way you feel about a guy, you can’t plan out every detail, Stells. You have feelings for Jack and you’re not an immature teenager acting on a whim. You’re an adult, and if you sleep with him, there’s nothing to be ashamed of. I’ve never seen you like this, unless you’ve hidden it from me—and I doubt that. This is the first time you’ve even considered this with a guy. That should tell you something, right?”
I nodded, taking in her entire answer.
“Just know this, though. It will hurt like a bitch if you have to say good-bye after you fall in love. And you’re already halfway there, babes. Being intimate, allowing him to be your first, is going to make up the other half. Figure out what you two expect of each other once you’re in New York. Long distance isn’t impossible, but it is hard. Think about it. And if you need to talk more, you know I’m always here. This is a no judgment zone.”
I hadn’t felt so proud of my sister in a long time. She was a good egg and I wouldn’t trade her for the world, but she was always preoccupied with herself—her career, her relationship, her latest shopping spree. Tonight put things in perspective and surprisingly it was Nina’s prudent advice that breathed new hope into my so-called dilemma. “Thank you. You have no idea how much you helped me tonight, Neen. I needed this.”
I nudged my shoulder against hers and she clucked her tongue. “You couldn’t exactly go to Mom with your should-I-give-up-my-virginity drama, and if you talk to Emma about shagging her brother that probably wouldn’t go over well, either. I got this by default. I get it.”
That’s where she was wrong. All kidding aside about her sometimes selfish Nina-isms, my sister was the first person I sought in times such as these. “You’re crazy if you actually think that. I wouldn’t be following you to the other side of the country if I didn’t need you the way I do. You’re my other half, since before birth. I’d be incomplete without you and believe it or not your opinion means even more to me than Mom’s.”
“Wow! Really?” Her eyes grew wide, but the smirk growing on her heart-shaped lips told the truth. “You shouldn’t have told me that, you know? I’ll find a way to use it against you one of these days, little sis.” She jabbed me in the ribs. She knew I hated when she pulled the older sibling card.
“By one and a half minutes. Don’t even try to pull that crap. It never works.”
“Today it does. Can’t you give me that? I gave you the best words of wisdom I’ve ever come up with—no shitting, no bluffing. Allow me the honor of older, wiser sister just this once. Please?” With her hands clasped in front of her face, she pouted and reminded me of our younger days when she’d beg to borrow my favorite Barbie’s wedding dress for her own ratty doll. I was a sucker then, and I’d always be when it came to Nina. I loved her so much it was hard to comprehend how I’d ever share that same love with anyone else.
I guess it was time I started figuring it out because if Nina was right, my heart was already opening up to let more in.
Jack
After I drove Stella home and returned to the apartment, my usually warm and inviting humble abode felt empty. Something was missing; something kept me from breathing the relaxed way that came naturally on any given day. The walls felt drab, lacking pictures of anything significant. The few knickknacks I had lying around held no importance. They weren’t souvenirs from a memorable trip, or keepsakes from a loved one. I had shitty hand-me-downs from my parents that they’d considered junk and little store-bought accessories my sisters felt would spruce up my man cave a bit. I was surrounded by nothing.
Nothingness.
Emptiness.
Loneliness.
But that wasn’t the case when Stella was here. In her presence, these four walls
were bursting at the seams and jam-packed with life and memories in the making. Things felt complete with her around. Whole.
And when she left for good, to fulfill the dreams she’d had since before I came into the picture—damn, I’d be crushed. I could sense it already. My world would not be as vibrant with Stella missing from it.
I knew what I had to do, and I didn’t care if I came on too strong by texting her less than an hour after I’d dropped her off.
Me: Had a great time tonight. Can we do it again tomorrow?
There weren’t enough tomorrows. We were running out of them and I’d be damned if I would let that get in our way.
Her future plans needed to include me. It didn’t matter that we just met, I felt as if I’d known her forever. I was determined to work it out. Take it slow at first and figure things out. We’d make up for the distance with late night phone calls and all day texting sprees. I wasn’t ready to say good-bye to her, and she’d expressed the same unwillingness to part ways during one of our make-out sessions right here on this couch. It could’ve just been a heat of the moment thing—I made sure to factor that in—but long after our lips ceased their intimate dance, Stella’s smile told me otherwise. And her simple text response assured me I wasn’t a fool for being hopeful.
Stella: I’d love that.
I made her happy. Together we were happy. And there was no reason three thousand miles had to keep us apart.
Jack
A sense of great expectation arose every time I thought about seeing Stella this evening. I wanted to plan something special, yet I also craved normalcy. One of the things I hated most about relationships was the beginning stages.
Wooing, impressing, and pretending meant shit. It wasn’t real. I could easily win Stella over by taking her to the finest restaurants in town and spoiling her with expensive gifts. If I acted like a perfect gentleman and curbed my bad habits that would score me extra points too. But in the grand scheme of things—that was all monkey shit.
The true test in a relationship was withstanding the other person’s genuine character. I had girlfriends who cringed at my snoring but stayed the next night because they loved my potato frittata in the morning. I dated one girl in high school who actually thought it was cute when I let one loose around her. It seemed stupid and immature to want to fart and belch in front of Stella—that’s not what I was getting at. What I really longed for was a night where the two of us could just be ourselves, regardless of any budding relationship expectations.
So . . . I planned nothing. I pulled up to Stella’s with a blank slate for a brain and an inviting smile that I hoped would make up for my lack of preparation.
“Hey, Sunshine.” I beamed when she opened the car door and slid in beside me.
“Yo, bro. How goes it?”
“Yo, bro? What, are you a gangsta now? Where’s my hello kiss?”
Rolling her eyes, Stella leaned across the car and playfully slapped my cheek. “Good evening, my dear.”
Her sweet perfume flooded my senses, causing a rumbling growl to erupt from within. I grabbed her hand and held it tightly against my face as I pulled her closer and went in for what I craved most.
Our lips danced together in nothing short of a dirty, sexy tango. This was no boring waltz. My tongue invaded her mouth and her musical moans gave me all the permission I needed to continue my proper greeting.
“Now, that’s how you say hello,” I whispered, my lips still pressed against hers.
She fluttered her lids, our faces still close enough that her long lashes could almost tickle my skin. “Hi,” she crooned, melting into her seat.
“Mmm, I could sit here all night. Just like this.”
“I could, too, but then we’d miss whatever it is you have planned for our perfect evening.”
Shit! And just like that I wished I had put more thought into things. But I wasn’t about to let my improvised non-plans get the best of me. “Yeah, about that.” I nipped her lip and backed away.
“I’m listening.”
“I actually thought we’d just let the night take us where it may. You know, like, let destiny do its thing.” For someone who was confident five minutes ago, my nerves were getting the better of me. Stella was the kind of girl who deserved to be schmoozed. I had limited time to impress her. The whole destiny thing sounded romantic, but was this a major fuckup on my part?
“Jack . . . that sounds absolutely perfect!” She clapped her hands and bounced up and down in the passenger seat.
I cocked my head to gauge her true reaction. “Really?”
“Totally! I wasn’t in the mood for a big, fancy meal, and I was hoping you wouldn’t take me to a movie because then we wouldn’t be able to talk. I’d be happy to drive along the coast all night and listen to that band you like so much and just—be.”
God, this girl got me. I was doomed. I was already falling for someone who’d be thousands of miles away in a week’s time. Not cool. So not cool.
“You make the world—my world—a brighter place just by being in it.” I was saying too much, confessing the inner depths of my soul. But I couldn’t help it. I wouldn’t hold back. Not when the risk of losing her by not fighting for her was at stake. I was laying it on thick—it wasn’t necessarily a nice thing to do, but to hell with it. I’d lay my heart on the line for anything that made me feel this good.
Stella
Three miles from home and I’d kicked off my shoes and relaxed in the passenger seat of the Wrangler. The tiny, rugged vehicle was starting to feel like home. Funny—home. That word was so confusing right now.
San Francisco was my current home.
New York was my soon-to-be home.
Jack was my heart’s home.
Everything about him brought me comfort. All that surrounded him put me at ease. It felt right, every damn aspect of being with this man felt perfectly perfect. So, why did our timing have to be anything but? Fate, you wicked bitch. What have I ever done to you?
“You spacing out over there, Miss Comfy Cozy?” Jack caught my attention from its digressive ramblings about the unfairness of life.
“Yes. And no. I don’t know.” That explained exactly how I felt right now—confused as hell.
He leaned over the console and tangled his fingers with mine. “Stop thinking. Live in the moment, Stella. Forget about what came before or what’s coming next. You think you can do that for me?”
I could do anything for him. I was certain of that. “Good idea.” I smiled at the beautiful man navigating me—body and soul—on this journey. “What’s the name of this song? I like this one.”
Jack’s face lit up and he winked. “I knew I’d get you to cave. This is Firelight. Ain’t it purdy?”
“Mesmerizing is more like it.” I tapped my toes against the dashboard.
“Then you and this song have a lot in common, babe. You’re undeniably, addictively hypnotic.”
Heart clenching. “You can’t keep saying things like that, Jack.” I wanted him to keep saying things like that because they made me feel so damn good, but when he spoke that way I could almost see inside his heart. I didn’t want to think about showing him mine. It would give away too much. It was too soon to feel all these things. Too soon. Too fast. Too crazy.
“Let’s get one thing straight,” he smarted. “You can’t shut me up. It ain’t gonna happen. I’ll tell you how I feel, when I feel it, because if I let it slip away without telling you, I might never get the chance.”
“Is this real?” I closed my eyes and sighed. “You can’t be real.”
“Oh, but I am.” He squeezed my hand, proving his point. It was the pinch of reality I both needed and regretted. I didn’t want this to be real. The dream was easier to walk away from. The reality—not so much.
“Wanna hit a drive-thru? I know it’s not romantic, but I do want to feed your beautiful face.”
“Actually . . .” I thought about it for a minute. “Make a pit stop at Ruddy’s Market. We’ll
get some picnic stuff and a bottle of vino. We can drive for a bit and listen to more of this mesmerizing music and then find a place to watch the sunset. What do you think?”
“Sunset with Sunshine. Sounds fucking incredible.”
My mother once told me how her drive down Big Sur with Caleb was a life-changing experience. It was when she felt the freedom to open her heart to another man—someone other than my father, the love of her life. That trip brought on hope for another lifelong love. A second chance. I didn’t know if it was a hindsight kind of thing, but the way she described it to me and Nina made it seem like some modern day fairytale. Seeing it for myself, feeling it for myself with Jack beside me, I understood it now. It was as if the bright blue sky was filling my lungs with fresh air. The waves of the ocean were washing away my doubts and almost baptizing me with new life.
“Stop!” I shouted and Jack jammed on the brakes.
“What? Squirrel? What did I hit?”
“No, silly.” I laughed, rubbing his arm. “This spot. Stop here. It’s perfect.”
“Not enough to give me a fucking heart attack, but anything for you.” He swept a piece of caramel hair from his forehead, checked his mirrors, and veered to the right.
Once we parked and unloaded, we made our way down a narrow hiking trail. It was nothing in comparison to the setting of Mom and Caleb’s wedding, but it was still breathtaking. The sun was getting ready to say goodnight. The moon was already out and waving hello. The weather was breezy and crisp, but comfortable. This was the spot. It was ours. It would forever be ours.
“Okay, maybe it was worth cardiac arrest. Shit, Stella. This is some view.” Jack shielded his eyes with one hand as he gazed out on the horizon. The water was calm; birds flocked above us; seals barked in the distance off the rocks.
We managed to find a small fleece blanket in the back of the Jeep. I tried my best to lay it down on the cool, soft sand, but the wind kept kicking it up. “Sometimes I know what I’m talking about. Hey, grab a corner?”
Freeing Destiny (Fate #2) Page 8
