He holds my hand as I get out of the car and doesn’t let go as we walk toward the house. At the mere touch of his hand, my cheeks turn red and I start to sweat. I swear the passion I feel for him is causing me to burn up.
Kim’s voice coming from a distance causes me to stop focusing on the energy flowing between Ethan and me. “Lindsay. How are you?” Kim is in a perky mood as always. I don’t think anything could bring this girl down. After giving me a huge hug she shoots a glance at Ethan. I think I can see something in her eyes. Recognition? Anger? I’m not sure what it is. “Who is this?” she asks in disgusted tone and I glare at her, mentally willing her to be nice.
“Ethan. I thought you knew him.” I was under the impression that when Ethan said he knew some of my friends that he was including Kim, but maybe that isn’t the case.
“Well, I’ve seen you around, Ethan, but I haven’t gotten the chance to get to know you. Glad you could come.” With a turn of her head she smiled at me. “Come on in and enjoy the party, Lindsay.”
She walks through the side gate to the back of the house where all the kids are huddled around a bonfire. We follow behind at a distance, and my nerves are acting up again. Joshua always throws huge parties, and I think everyone in the school shows up every time. They have a bonfire going in the back yard and everyone’s just standing around hanging out. It’s a tiki-themed party with decorations surrounding the porch where all the food and drinks are and flames light up the porch and the path to the bonfire. Some boys are wrestling around while a group of girls are watching and giggling and probably babbling about how cute the guys are. I’ve always thought boys get a little strange when it comes to trying to impress a girl. It isn’t that I’m too serious of a person. The fact is I’m more mature then most girls my age. I’m not sure if it’s from being an only child or what but most people would say that I’m not your typical seventeen year old girl. I like to have fun but at the same time watching boys goof off doesn’t really turn me on. I like someone that can charm me, someone like Ethan. The mystery behind him has me intrigued and he doesn’t seem like your typical jock. He gives off this calm and protective vibe when I’m around him. It’s like I can feel the emotions coming off of him. He’s definitely more on the serious side, but I can tell there’s room for fun in his life…and hopefully room for me. Still holding Ethan’s hand I follow behind him over to the bonfire, and we join in with the circle of kids surrounding it.
“Hey girl, how you doing? I’m glad you made it.” Derrick comes up from behind me and grabbing my hips turns me around. My hand falls from Ethan’s, and Derrick gives me a big hug and kiss on the cheek, obviously exaggerating his affection for me in front of Ethan. He’s been very sweet to me ever since I moved here. He has bright blue eyes, as blue as the sky on a sunny day, and his short black hair is a sexy contrast. Honestly, those eyes of his are the most alluring part about him, they draw the girls in.
He’s definitely one of the most attractive boys at my school, and of course I can’t deny that I’m one of those girls who are attracted to him. I don’t think there’s any girl who wouldn’t be, but I’ve just never really given him the opportunity. Even though he flirts with me I guess since he’s always with Kim, I’m afraid to interfere in anything that might be going on between them.
“Derrick! Yeah, Ethan here invited me to come so I figured since I didn’t have much else to do that I might as well join all of you for the party.”
He smiles and looks at Ethan and his expression and demeanor instantly changes. Not the same reaction as Kim but definitely not a good reaction. “Well, I’m glad you’re here. We’re going to roast marshmallows later, so I hope you join us.”
He walks away to join a group of kids that are walking around the large property chatting and flirting with the girls. It’s kind of rude that he just brushed Ethan off like that not even introducing himself or saying hello. It is not typical of Derrick to be rude; he’s always the center of attention and the one that has all the friends. He’s one of the friendliest people I’ve ever met. Now with both Kim and Derrick’s reactions, my nerves creep back and my palms begin to sweat. The feeling of insecurity flows through me as I’m unsure how to respond to Ethan. The intensity of my emotions is all so new. I turn back to him and looking at him causes me to blush all over again. He looks down at me with those amazing eyes and an expression of lust is radiating from his face. I want to give myself up to him. He grabs my hand again and pulls me in a little closer so that we’re standing side by side, hands linked again and looking into the fire. It’s such a beautiful moment that I forget anyone else is around. Watching the flames move wildly in front of us, mesmerized by his mysteriousness, I fall into a daydream.
“Do you want to take a walk with me?” He pulls me back to reality. Yes! Of course I want to take a walk with him. I would go anywhere; do anything, just to be alone with him. I want his lips on me and his strong hands grabbing my body caressing my skin.
My desire for him is uncontrollable, and my emotions for him go way beyond comprehension. Trying not to show too much eagerness, I keep my response subtle: “I’d like that.” On the inside though, I’m going crazy with thoughts of us alone together. We turn away from the bonfire, and I hold his hand walking with him but letting him lead me as I’m not really sure where he wants to go but I put my full trust in him. We walk toward the end of the property away from the fire and into the forest area. There isn’t that much light out so it is a little hard to see. You’d think that walking into a dark forest with a stranger would frighten me, but for some inexplicable reason I feel safer with him than I’ve ever felt.
“Would you walk with me into the woods a little ways,” he says. “I’d like a little privacy, if that’s okay? If you’re comfortable, I don’t want to make you do anything you don’t want too.”
“Sure.” That’s all I can say. I’m almost to the point of shaking I want him so badly. I can barely speak. We walk a little ways into the woods, and he stops and turns to stand in front of me. With the little light that is still out I can see his face, and he seems so sure of himself. The way he looked in my dream. His eyes are deep and piercing, staring into my soul, taking over my whole being. I’m not sure what he’s thinking or what he’s going to do, but it looks like he wants something. As if he’s become filled with hunger, hunger for me! It is as if his desire is uncontrollable and his eyes become more focused and his touch more firm. He grabs me hard.
This time he isn’t gentle and smooth with his touch. He’s forceful and rough. His hands squeeze my arms to the point that I feel like he’s bruising me. I don’t want him to stop. The pleasure of his body on mine overpowers the small amount of discomfort that comes from his grip. I want his touch no matter if it hurts; anything just to have him near me. He quickly pulls me in and presses his lips against mine, he’s still holding me but I can feel his hands release slightly, the roughness of before giving way to a gentler sort of touch. He pushes me back quickly, our lips still connected. My eyes are closed as I feel consumed by his kiss, but it seems that we move quicker than could be possible. I can feel a swift breeze on the back on my neck and then tree bark with the palms of my hands as I reach to feel what I’m pinned up against. He’s backed me up against a tree. He moves his lips from mine, leaving them moist and swollen and continues down my neck kissing it and then my chest. He rips the top part of my dress slightly so that my breast is exposed and starts kissing me again.
His hands are moving down my body and with every new place he touches my body heats up more, desires more. I push myself away from the tree and into his body even more forcefully, even though he’s already pressing into me almost ruthlessly. I’m pretty sure I couldn’t move if I tried. Then he stops and steps back slowly, Ethan looks at me as if he’s wrestling to control his emotions, I can see his frustration. He moves back again this time so quickly he gives off a breeze that blows my hair all around me. All I can do is stand here with my back up against this gigantic tree and star
e. He’s moved several feet away now and looking at him I can see something’s upsetting him. What could possibly be wrong? Did I do something? He seems almost angry but before I can speak he turns and disappears into the dark. I can’t see him anywhere. I call his name several times, but no response.
Shocked and unsure, I don’t linger. I turn around and head back to the party. I stand back looking at all the kids running around and playing silly games but all that’s running through my mind right now is what just happened out there. I’m hurting so much right now, I don’t want to talk to any of them. I’m confused as to why Ethan just took off like that and left me alone. My arms are throbbing and my lips are still swollen and tingling from his kiss. I’m not even mad; it’s just that I’m so damn confused. I thought with what was happening that he felt the same way I do and then he just takes off without even saying a word. Who acts like that?
It isn’t normal to just run off in the middle of a heavy make-out session without some kind of explanation. There must be something wrong with me. Some reason for him to not want to be with me. Even though he has left me confused I still want him, need him. I feel the desire for him burning in my gut. I don’t even know this guy and I can’t explain why I want to give myself to him. My emotions are running high. He has this control over my body and mind that I can’t explain. I need him and I need to know who he is and why he’s come into my life this way. What is it that he’s feeling for me that’s making him so upset? I want an explanation and I want more than anything to see his face again. I can’t even be mad at him like I would be if anyone else pulled that stunt on me.
“Lindsay. What are you doing back here all by yourself? Are you feeling alright?” I startle as Derrick’s voice pulls me from my thoughts and feel caught off guard, like I was doing something wrong. My cheeks flush with embarrassment. Derrick is always so sweet to me. His blue eyes are glowing in the dark night and all I can do is look straight into them as they shine with brilliant color. His eyes radiate love and concern. He is so beautiful.
“Derrick, I’m fine, just tired that’s all. I think I’m coming down with something.” I place my hand on my forehead to give the impression I’m not well but really I just don’t want him to get a good look at my face. I don’t want him to see any of my emotions. I just want to go home and the last thing I want to do is break down into tears here in front of Derrick. I don’t want to be here anymore with these people that I don’t feel like I belong with. It’s like I have this shooting pain in my chest. I don’t know what’s going on with Ethan or what I did so wrong that could possibly have caused him to leave me here.
“Well at least let me take you home if you’re sick?” He suggests.
How hurtful is that, that Ethan doesn’t even care about me enough to take me home? He just ditched me, he left me stranded. “Actually that would be really nice. Thank you.”
Being around Derrick is calming and makes me feel a little bit better; it’s nice to know that someone cares. He doesn’t judge me and he’s always there smiling, just waiting to help me or talk to me. As we’re walking to his car, I can’t help but to admire his tall muscular frame and his dark black hair that shimmers in the small amount of light from the moon and his eyes glow bright blue. I find myself consumed by the image of him in the moonlight. We don’t say much on the car ride home, and he’s polite enough to walk me to my front door.
My mom and dad are already in bed, so I just go up to my room quietly. First party I’ve been to this year and I wasn’t even able to stay. I can’t say I didn’t enjoy it though, right up to the point of Ethan leaving. Sitting on my bed, I realize that when I’m around Derrick I don’t think about Ethan. Actually his name and image didn’t come to mind at all on the car ride home. It’s like he doesn’t exist when Derrick is around me. But now, all alone on my bed, all I can do is wonder about Ethan, what he’s doing and why he left so abruptly with no explanation. I’ve got to stop this! I can’t let some guy that I don’t even know consume my thoughts. Hopefully tomorrow will be a more normal day. It’ll be the first day of summer vacation and I seriously can’t wait for it to begin. Maybe I can keep myself busy and keep my mind off of Ethan. However I still can hope for something more to happen between us.
THREE
“Ethan.” He’s here with me again! His beautiful appearance, overwhelming every nerve in my body, his brown hair highlighting his masculine facial structure and his black eyes filled with that look of confusion, fear and desire.
“Why did you leave me? What did I do to make you so upset with me?” He’s just standing there looking into me, almost looking through me like I don’t exist and I start to get that feeling that it truly is over. “Why won’t you answer me?” No response. What’s wrong with him? His expression is tight, as if he’s in some sort of pain, and yet it doesn’t look like he’s physically hurt. Looking around me I can see that we’re standing by the creek behind my house again. I want him to take me in his arms and hold me and never let me go. I want to know that he finds comfort in me. I need for him to want me as much as I want him. I feel safe when I’m with him. Those black eyes stare down at me with such power and intimacy and his focus never sways from me. I don’t want him to ever leave me again. I have so many questions but I don’t even care right now, all I want is his touch. Why won’t he speak to me? Then he’s gone and I’m back in my room awake and stunned, it was just a dream.
I struggle to catch my breath. He’s getting to me in my dreams; I feel I’m going crazy. He’s constantly on my mind and I can’t even sleep without him invading my thoughts. I’m sure he’ll give me an explanation tomorrow, or at least I’m hoping he will. I have to let it go, though, and start enjoying my summer. I don’t even know this guy and who knows when he’ll show up again.
I slept in late and my mom and dad were already off to the office when I woke up. Right now I’m grateful that they work so much. I can’t stop thinking about Ethan and his body pressed up to mine pinning me between him and the tree. He makes me feel as if we’re the only two people in the world. I figure the only way I’m going to get him off my mind is to hang out with my friends because who knows if I’ll ever even see him again. It’s a beautiful day out, and it would be nice to go hike along the creeks with someone. I don’t feel like calling Kim, I’m afraid she’s going to start badgering me about Ethan. I just don’t feel like explaining myself. Especially since I don’t even know what’s going on between the two of us. Derrick! I can call him, he’s down to earth, and boys usually aren’t into talking too much. At least I’m pretty sure that he isn’t going to want to hear about my hypothetical love life. Derrick was so sweet last night; he didn’t question me about any of it. Most embarrassingly, my dress was torn and I’m beyond thankful he didn’t ask about that. He just took me home, no interrogation necessary. I’m nervous about calling him, though. I mean we aren’t that great of friends. We talk at school and go to the occasional movie or coffee, but always with Kim. Other than that, I don’t recall ever hanging out alone, just the two of us. I’m just too busy reading or enjoying the peace and quiet. Plus I’ve only been here a couple of months so I’m still kind of the new girl. The last thing I want to do is sit around and think about Ethan all day and last night, when I was alone with Derrick, my mind was clear. I wouldn’t mind feeling that today too, if at all possible. Well here goes nothing.
As the phone begins to ring my palms become sweaty. “Hello.” I hear his voice through the phone.
“Derrick! Hi, it’s me Lindsay. I hope I’m not bothering you. I was just wondering if you would like to do some hiking with me through the forest and along the creeks. It’s supposed to be a beautiful day, and I thought it would be nice to enjoy it with a friend.” I can hear my nerves coming through as I choke out the words.
“I would love to join you. If you want I can meet you at your place in about an hour, and we can start out behind your house.” With that answer I feel most of the tension in my body release and I’m no longer cle
nching my hand on the phone.
“That’s perfect. I’ll see you then.”
Feeling a little bit of excitement and relieved that he didn’t reject the invite, I go to find something comfortable to wear on our hike. My hiking boots, some shorts, and a pink tank will do perfect. I’m anxious to see him, it might be his captivating appearance or it might just be the thought that I might be able to forget about Ethan for a while. He’s so beautiful I wouldn’t think he could ever be interested in me but he’s always seemed to like me and he treats me differently than he treats the others. Those beautiful blue eyes of his were glowing in the moonlight, I’ve never seen anyone that has eyes as blue as his. His black hair gives him a striking and distinct look. He has an intense sex appeal and on top of how extremely gorgeous he is, I might be able to have a normal moment today without being completely consumed with thoughts of Ethan.
Waiting patiently in my living room for Derrick is not easy. I find myself tapping my foot and twitching every couple of seconds. I feel my skin begin to flush with heat and I fan myself with my hands. I think any girl that gets around Derrick would be nervous and shy. It’s just his irresistible appeal, it makes you feel like you might not be worthy of him.
The weather outside is going to be beautiful today. It’s supposed to be about 72 degrees come noon, which is perfect. I love the sun and the outdoors. When we lived in the city, I wasn’t ever able to take hikes or really enjoy the outdoors we were surrounded by traffic and people and no matter where you went, it was noisy and crowded. I miss my friends, but I don’t miss the city. My parents figured it would be good to get me into a smaller school so even though with the hour commute they feel it’s worth it; of course I have to agree. I can’t complain. I love the school and most of all I love my surroundings. There’s the part of me that loves the peace and quiet. I definitely couldn’t get that when we lived in the city. Now that I know Ethan it makes this place even better. Jeez! I have got to quit thinking about him. Last time I saw him he was running away from me. He probably never wants to see me again.
Fallen Desire Page 3
