Throughout his explanation, I didn’t say anything. I felt like he needed to get all of this out, that should I say something, the catharsis would be halted. I knew he needed this; I also knew I needed this. I needed to know he trusted me with his deepest secrets and fears. I needed to know this because I needed him.
Inhaling, he continued, “Let’s just say it was a difficult time.” He laughed, but it was choked and razor sharp. “All this on top of the knowledge that I’d killed my best friend and his girlfriend.” He was silent for a few minutes. I was speechless. This was too much. I was on information overload. And yet, the thing I kept going back to was how I’d been so selfish to dwell on my own problems. This whole time, Calen had been dealing with the knowledge and guilt of what had happened, and he’d been carrying this heavy secret deep inside of him.
I still wasn’t sure I understood, but it was impossible not to believe him. Calen was nothing if not earnest and this wasn’t exactly the kind of thing you’d make up. What would he gain from that? I’d never been a believer in spiritual or paranormal things, but I wasn’t so closed minded as to assume there wasn’t the possibility of such.
“So how did you make it go away?” I wanted to convey my support and understanding and to make Calen feel he had done the right thing confiding in me.
“Tara. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. It never went away.”
Oh.
Wrapping my head around this, I started asking questions. I need for specifics seemed to be a mechanism that my brain could use to reconcile this seemingly impossible reality. “Can you hear the actual thoughts, like the literal words?” He seemed to think this over.
“In the beginning, I couldn’t block anything out. I heard everyone. Sometimes thoughts, sometimes just general emotions. But since there was so much, I often couldn’t separate any of it. It was usually just noise. The longer I was living with this…this curse,” he looked so bitter suddenly, “the better I got at blocking people out. Most of the time now, I’m either blocking, or I can just sense people’s moods or intents.” Wow.
“Except with you.” Me? Oh. I hadn’t even gotten there. I suddenly started freaking out. Calen has known what I’ve been thinking this whole time? I think I was about to discover if people could die of embarrassment.
“Well…not the whole time,” he said. Kill.Me.Now. He laughed. I shot him a scornful look. “Listen Tara,” his tone got serious, “most of the time it’s nothing. Sometimes I could just sense your mood, which was usually irritation I might add, but that could have been because I mostly only saw you around your brother. But sometimes I’d actually pick up on a thought or two, when you were really emotional. I must say, I particularly appreciated that visual of your brother getting bitten by that poodle.” He chuckled.
I thought back to all of those times when he’d seemed so intuitive. I’d felt sometimes it was like he could read my mind. Apparently, he could read my mind. I wasn’t sure how this made me feel.
“Tara, I know it feels like an invasion. I want you to know that I go out of my way not to do it. You’re just so passionate sometimes, so fiery, it breaks through. But I try, I swear I try.” It did feel incredibly invasive. It also felt incredibly unfair that he had so much more access to me, and yet for me, for so long, I could barely tell what was going on with him. Although, the longer we were together, the better I was getting. He wasn’t as unreadable as he thought, I knew him too well.
Then I flushed, the embarrassment returning. All of those sexy thoughts I had about him, had he heard all of that? All those times I considered how hot he was…oh my god I’d imagined him in the shower. I covered my mouth with my hand and looked at him. He looked like he was fighting hard to not have any expression register. Bastard. He chuckled.
“Sorry,” he said. My face was on fire.
No wonder he was so controlled, always speaking thoughtfully and deliberately. He’d had to master the ability to keep people in the dark, to not expose himself. The amount of discipline and work involved to have accomplished this broke my heart. How alone he must have felt.
“Have you told people?” He looked down. I thought I’d seen a flash of sadness.
“No. Just Grandfather knows.” There was a long stretch of silence.
“Calen, I feel honored that you trust me enough to have confided in me.” I wanted him to know that. And, it made me flush with pride.
He looked up.
“Tara, I trust you. I’m just terrified right now that I will lose you.” His green eyes flashed. I saw real fear in them. All I knew was that despite the fact that this whole thing freaked me out, and I was going to need to do a lot of thinking about it, I would do anything in my power to make it so he didn’t keep feeling that pain. That he didn’t hurt as much as I knew he did. At that moment, I knew that I would do whatever was necessary, I would go to the ends of the earth, or die trying, so that he never hurt like that again.
“I’m here.” I swallowed before I continued. “I trust you too, Calen.” And then he just lay down, placing his head in my lap.
꧁21꧂
His secret was safe with me. The more we discussed it, I realized that he really had nearly perfected the art of blocking other people out. It kind of relieved me. It had made me a little uncomfortable thinking he’s known all of Will’s thoughts, or Sarah’s for that matter. He seemed to mostly just sense people’s emotions, which if you were intuitive, anyone could do.
“But Tara, the funny thing is that despite the fact that I can read you the loudest now, when we first met, you were completely unreachable. Do you have any idea how hard it was to work up the nerve to ask you out? I thought for sure you’d say no.” He had? But I’d been smitten from our first glance. “That, or you’d flip me off. You seemed to like expressing yourself that way.” This both embarrassed me and made me proud. I was a little bit of a spitfire. Princess my ass!
“Are you kidding me? I was practically drooling on you at the cabin.”
“Yeah, well, I hoped as much. But I couldn’t be sure. Girls throw themselves at me all the time,” he looked a little embarrassed, but it was hard to deny the facts. “You didn’t. You were so confident, and you were different. You had your own thing going on, and you wouldn’t let Will intimidate you. The things you would say back to him,…well, you have guts.” Apparently I was the only person on earth who was willing to give Will the big Fuck You when he deserved it. “You just always seemed so strong. I was drawn to you.” He paused. “It helped that you are also pretty damn hot.” Wow. I have never thought I was hot. Cute enough, yeah, but hot? Not even in my dreams. Calen looked at me with suddenly hooded eyes and said, “You slew me with those running pants.” I blushed.
Seriously, the leggings had to go. I had no idea that I’d been lighting the teenage male world of rear-end-ogling on fire with some silly exercise pants! But then again, if Calen liked them….they were staying. Definitely staying.
“Well, I’m certainly glad you weren’t in my head in the beginning. You’d have seen what a goober I am. Well, I guess you see that now, but that’s just because you know me. Back when I met you, despite trying to convince myself to deny it, I was first in line for membership to the Calen Fan Club.” He laughed. He was so beautiful when he laughed. His green eyes lit up and always made me think of spring, of life. Of moving forward, of nature’s ability to thrive even after the possibility of such seemed impossible. I kissed him. I understood that my greater fear of losing him wasn’t being realized, and that made everything else, something I could handle.
When I got home, I went straight to my room. Once inside, I texted Calen that I was home and to reinforce the fact that he hadn’t scared me away. Truthfully, this was a lot to take in. I would have thought it would have been harder to accept, but I think the fact that Calen struggled so much with it, and worked so hard to control his ability so that he could have as normal a life as possible, made it easier. It made me want to spare him as much suffering as I could, and my acc
eptance and understanding was the only way I could do that.
In bed, while I was contemplating this mind-blowing development, I heard a faint feminine laugh coming through the wall from Will’s room. If he was going to start bringing chicks home, I would have to move my bed to the opposite side of the room. I couldn’t afford therapy.
Tuning out Will, I returned to contemplate Calen and me. Even with the bomb he’d dropped on me, I couldn’t deny how happy we were; I couldn’t deny how happy he made me. On the flip side, I started to question that. Was I happy because his ability allowed him to manipulate me? Did Calen know exactly what to do and say so that I stayed content? Was he always one step ahead? This was going to take some getting used to.
If Calen could literally know what we were all thinking, could I trust that the only thing I had that were truly mine, my thoughts, were actually sacred? I felt myself slipping into very dark territory. How was I going to spend time with him without constantly second guessing his motives? Did I know and love Calen, or the person that Calen wanted me to know and love? Too many questions were swirling in my head. He’d seemed too perfect; this explained a whole lot.
Reigning myself in, I decided then and there that I had a choice to make. I could trust him, or I could live in a world of uncertainty and doubt. I lived with enough of that already, I didn’t need to subject myself to more. I had to actively decide which side of the coin I was choosing. And I knew. I chose Calen. I chose to believe that he was genuine, that this was actually an affliction he’d wish away if possible. Calen was a good person who deserved the benefit of the doubt. I loved him, and I believed that he loved me.
I mean, if you could see inside my head and still choose to be with me, that had to be saying something. I replayed his confession, re-examined his explanation, remembering how earnest he’d been, how much pain this all caused him. I wouldn’t allow myself to question his loyalty, or his genuineness. Calen was good and deserved my trust…and I deserved him. I would be there for him, supportive and caring, and never hold what couldn’t be changed against him.
And I’d kiss him a whole lot.
As I lay there, I realized that I was as bad as all of my girlfriends when they had boyfriends. Insufferable. All of the goo-goo eyes and the one-track minds. I always hated them like that, but I suddenly couldn’t fault them. That’s what people did when they were in love. The thought had barely formed when I sat straight up in bed. Oh crap.
***
It wasn’t until late the next day that I saw Will in the kitchen and asked if his lady friend had a good time last night. He shot me a look that instantly shut me up. Ok, I guess we weren’t going there. Whatevsies. Nothing was going to bring my mood down. Winter break was officially starting on Monday, and I was in love with the world. How Calen had changed my life; I was actually looking forward to not being in school. As if sensing that I was thinking of him, I got a text from Calen:
Your bro invited me over. Is it wrong that I’m far more excited to see you than him?
I smiled. Then I cracked up. Will looked at me like he was one step away from having me committed. I just rolled my eyes and stifled my inner smile. It was not my fault that he’d fallen out of the bitter tree and hit every branch on the way down.
I gussied myself up a bit, secretly thrilled that I’d get to see Calen, and plotting how to do so without being super obvious about us. I heard a knock on the front door and went bounding down the steps. Ok, this not obvious thing was going to be hard. I got to the door just as it was opening, about to throw myself into Calen’s arms when I barely caught myself. It was Zach. I hoped I hid my disappointment. I mean, I love Zach, but he’s not Calen.
It must have worked because his face broke into a huge grin. I figured what the hell, and threw my arms around him. He hugged me back and I finally pulled away, my thoughts preoccupied with wondering when Calen would get here. Not having seen his car outside when Zach had walked in, I figured he’d be a few so I grabbed Zach’s hand and pulled him into the living room. I shoved him in the chest, pushing him down on the couch, leaving him parked and calling over my shoulder that I’d go get Will. My long ponytail swung behind me as I walked out of the living room.
Risking it, I cracked the front door, but still no Calen. Then I pounded up the steps, reminding myself that I was nothing like a pachyderm, and proceeded to kick Will’s door a couple of times with the toe of my shoe. He cracked the door, and answered, “What?”
“Zach is downstairs.” With that, I turned on my heels and headed back down. Zach was where I’d left him. I offered him something to drink and he agreed to a coke. Once I’d brought him one, and a glass of ice, he smiled sweetly and said, “You’re the best, Princess.”
“You are the best, Princess,” I heard my favorite deep voice say. I looked up at Calen. Zach smirked a little, pleased with himself that he’d gotten Calen teasing me as well. But me? I just smiled. If Zach only knew. I suddenly tugged my hair out of its pony, needing it to camouflage the multiple expressions that I had in succession, all of which were embarrassing. Slyly, I cut a glance at Calen. Zach had thankfully become occupied with pouring his coke because Calen was now staring at me in a way that I was glad no one else was seeing.
Finding his voice, Calen asked where Will was. I pointed up and walked past him, lightly pressing against him as I did. Wow. I almost felt a literal spark. I then started back up the stairs. At this rate, I could give up running. Thighs of steel! I laughed. I returned to Will’s closed door and pounded on it with my fist. Another crack opened, but this time his arm reached out and grabbed me, pulling me into the room. What the What?
“I know about you and Calen.” His finger jabbed me in the chest. Shit. That kind of hurt.
“What?” I was slightly speechless and sort of stalling for time.
“I. Know. About. You. And. Calen.” He said it slowly, but I could sense the fire beneath his words.
“What are you talking about?” I feigned innocence. He just gave me a look.
Ok, new tactic. “What exactly do you know?” I still did not understand what Will’s aversion to Calen and me was. I narrowed my eyes as I scanned his expression.
“I know you’ve been creeping with one of my best friends behind my back!” His volume was rising. “I know that you, and my friend, have been lying to me.”
“Why do you even care? You’ve never cared! And we didn’t lie, we just didn’t volunteer the information. Besides, it’s not like what we’re doing has taken away from your quality time with the guys!” My volume was escalating. Shit. I needed to dial this back.
“What you’re doing?” He was suddenly eerily calm, yet there was an underlying tension radiating from him.
“I mean, by seeing each other. And you didn’t answer! Why do you care?” I wanted to shake him. I was so angry that he was making me do this with him.
“So you’re actually seeing each other? My kid sister has been sneaking around behind my back, and doing god knows what else, and one of my best friends hasn’t had the decency to even man up about it?” He was slowly boiling over. All I could think was that I had to protect Calen.
“It wasn’t his idea. I convinced him that we didn’t need to flaunt it in front of you. At first it was because I didn’t know how things would turn out between Calen and me, but then it became a little weird, and you were so against us getting together and…” I trailed off. I couldn’t fully remember why I didn’t want Will to know, but I guess his reaction right now might be part of it. I just couldn’t figure out the why of it.
Will regarded me suspiciously. “How long has this been going on? Let me guess…since you threw yourself at him at Homecoming?” I looked away. This was becoming increasingly offensive and he was starting to hurt my feelings. I felt my anger rising like lava. I pushed my hurt feelings aside as I forced myself to defend Calen and what he and I had together.
“No. That is not true. And you’re being cruel, Will.” Now it was his turn to look away. “And WHY
DO YOU CARE?!” I was yelling now and the way that Will looked at me, I almost thought he was going to hit me. As much of an ass as Will has been throughout my life, he never laid a finger on me and always managed to pop up and defend me when we were growing up, but the look in his eye scared me a little.
I refused to cower. I was practically challenging him. Probably not smart, but I was pissed. If I could at least understand why he was so angry, maybe it would be easier. As Will stared at me, breathing heavily, the door opened and Calen burst through. Will turned and slammed his fist into Calen’s face.
Except it never connected. Calen reached up, with lightning fast reflexes, and caught Will’s fist just before it struck him. I silently cheered. Damned if I wanted anything to mar his beautiful face. And screw Will for trying to hit my…whatever Calen was to me.
The two men stared at each other, both with outright hostility. Although Calen was slightly taller and a bit more muscular, they were still pretty evenly matched in size. Both boys were radiating rage and testosterone was rolling off of them. I was suddenly scared that Calen might kill Will, or something. I ran over, squeezing between the two of them. I cared for them both and it would be over my dead body that they would hurt each other. Pressing my palms against their chests, I looked back and forth, forcing both of them to make eye contact with me. I started talking, slowly but forcefully.
“Stop This Right Now. I will not stand here and allow this. I don’t even know exactly what ‘this’ is, but it’s over. It is Over.” I looked at Will. “I am sorry if you are upset and you think we were doing something behind your back. It was never our intention to be deceptive. Things just kind of happened.” Will’s jaw ticked.
I turned to Calen. “I know you feel the need to come to my defense, but Will would never hurt me and he is just upset right now. My bigger concern is that your friendship is being tested. I could never live with myself if anything between you and I resulted in ending your and Will’s friendship.” I looked back at Will.
Reading Tara (Growing Up Ashton Book 1) Page 16
