It’s clear that whatever I just did was the opposite of helpful. Jude won’t even look at me. I flag down a waitress and order a Seven and Seven. Because of my height, most people don’t even question my age, or perhaps she saw what happened on stage and took pity on me. I don’t know or care at this point — but a few minutes later, she comes back with the drink.
I walk back over to where Jude is sitting, hand him the drink and quietly sit down.
He takes a sip and wrinkles his nose. “¡Mierda! What is this? If alcohol was going to solve my problems, don’t you think I would’ve tried it a long time ago?”
I recoil from the viciousness in his voice. “Jude, I’m sorry. I was trying to be supportive. I didn’t mean to sound like a jerk. I admit what I said sounded terrible, but that’s not how I meant it. I’ve had bad nights on stage too.”
Jude pins me with an angry glare with his jaw set as he sneers, “It was a little more than a bad night, don’t you think? I couldn’t even sing or play. I warned you this might happen — but you didn’t listen to me. You let me believe I could overcome it all. Well, I just showed you, didn’t I?”
I am stunned into silence. I don’t even know how to respond. Jude is right. What if I did push him into something he wasn’t comfortable with? What if this is all my fault? I had to go and stretch his boundaries and dare him to do things outside his comfort zone. From the moment we met, I have done nothing but push, prod and cajole him into being someone else. Oh my Gosh! When exactly did I turn into my mother?
I turn back to him with tears in my eyes as I reply, “I can’t argue. I won’t. You’re right. I shouldn’t have pushed you so hard. I’m so sorry. I hope you don’t hate me now. I’m going to catch a cab back to Stella’s place and give you some space. I need you to know I never, ever meant to hurt you. Seeing you reach your dreams has given me courage to pursue my own. Please know I never meant to cause any damage, I swear.”
Jude puts a hand on my arm as I stand up to leave. “Sirena, you don’t have to do that. I’m mostly angry at myself, not you.”
“I know, but you have every right to be angry at me. I put you in a bad situation. I shouldn’t have done that. I’ll talk to you later.” I place my hand over his on my arm and squeeze.
As I slowly walk out of the crowded restaurant, I can’t keep the tears from flowing down my face. I hope to God there aren’t any members of the paparazzi here, but at this point even if there are, there’s nothing I can do about it. How did an idea which was meant to help Jude reach his dreams go so epically wrong? I try to retrace every step we’ve taken together and determine whether it was really Jude’s dream or mine. Have I done to Jude what my mom has been doing to me for all these years?
As I’m sitting in the middle of the plush queen-size bed pretending to be absorbed in a book, drinking hot cocoa in July, my phone rings. I check the caller ID and notice it’s Tara.
“Hello?” I answer, uncertain as to why my boss’s wife would be calling me from their vacation while they’re in Paris.
“Tasha? This is Tara, I’m calling to check in on you. Are you all right?”
I have learned from past experience that conversations with Tara go much easier if you just tell her the whole truth because somehow she always knows anyway. “I’m hanging in there, but things have been better.”
“What happened? Can I help?” Tara asks.
“I can’t help but feel that this is my fault. I was showing Jude around Nashville today and we stopped for dinner at Puckett’s.”
“We love Puckett’s,” Tara exclaims. “There’s a fun energy there, isn’t there?”
“I thought Jude would think so too. When Aidan gave me his friend’s number, I not only made dinner reservations, I asked to do a set onstage with Jude.”
“It didn’t go well?” Tara asks.
“I don’t understand. I’ve been on stage with Jude in arenas with Aidan where we’ve had thousands of fans and he’s been cool as a cucumber. Today, he completely fell apart on a tiny stage in the restaurant. I thought he was beyond all of his stage fright because he’s been doing so well with the band.”
Tara chuckles softly. “No, Tash, that’s not the way it works. You haven’t known me long enough to know this, but there was a time in my life I couldn’t even leave my house because my anxiety was so high. I was date raped as a teenager and then my mother died. As a result of all the trauma, I turned inward and I became afraid of almost everything. This lasted for years. Some days, I felt strong and able to conquer the world. I became an expert in martial arts and self-defense. I felt like I should be able to handle life.”
“Yeah, I can see why you would feel that way. You’ve really whipped Jude and me into shape in your self-defense class.”
“There is a part of me you don’t see. Something as simple as someone’s voice, or the smell of a cleaning product or a new car can send me right back to that dark place. I have no control over when it happens or how I feel about it when it does happen. My whole body freezes and my mind becomes numb. I can try to be logical and sensible and grown-up about it all I want to. Yet, when it happens, I am that teenage girl right back in the middle of the attack.”
“Oh, wow! Even now — all this time later?” I ask in a hushed tone.
“Unfortunately, yes. Being married to Aidan and having his steady presence in my life has helped some as did the fact that I was able to face down my rapist and keep him in jail. Even so, some days it still sneaks up on me when I least expect it.”
“So, what can I do? I seem to have done all the wrong things today,” I ask, trying to keep it together.
“I’ve been in your shoes. It’s so hard to help champion someone’s dream without feeling like you’re pushing them in all the wrong directions. There was a time when Aidan wanted to throw in the towel and never sing another note. I had to back off and let him rediscover music on his own terms. I have to tell you, it scared me to death to see him fall out of love with music — even for a brief amount of time. I’ve known Aidan since he was in elementary school, and there was never a time he wasn’t completely enamored by music. It was heartbreaking when he felt like music gave up on him.”
I can’t contain my gasp of disbelief. “Tara, you’ve seen how talented Jude is. Are you saying I shouldn’t say anything?” Even as I ask the question, my heart knows the answer.
Tara clicks her tongue as she responds, “You know better than most Jude will have to decide for himself what success means. You can’t decide for him, no matter how much you believe in him.”
“I know. What if by trying to help him, I’ve made things exponentially worse and thrown him off the path he’s supposed to be on?”
“Unfortunately, you and I can’t choose Jude’s path. Only he can,” she reminds me softly.
“What should I do in the meantime? I don’t want to make things worse.”
“Tash, I wish I had some wonderful sage advice which would fix everything, but I don’t. This is just going to take some time for you guys to work through. You guys are on parallel journeys, even though it doesn’t seem like it. If you don’t start working at cross purposes, you can go on your journeys together — but you need to be patient.”
“I hope you’re right. I hope I have something left with Jude to save. He seems pretty devastated by my stupid comments.”
“Oh, I don’t have any doubt you and Jude have more than just a little ‘something’. You guys remind me so much of Aidan and me,” Tara says with a light laugh. “When you’re not looking, Jude looks at you the same way Aidan looks at me. It’ll be rough for a while, but you can’t lose faith. This is a temporary setback — it’s not the same as starting over.”
Tara’s kind words are enough to put me over the edge. “Tara, I gotta go. I’m going to go take a shower and see if I can readjust my brain so the world makes sense and I can be a decent person to Jude. Today I came a little too close to channeling my mother, which is something I never wanted to do as long as I lived.�
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“I’m sure it wasn’t that bad. I suspect it was a case of frayed nerves all the way around. Things will look better in the morning. I will talk to you later. If you need anything, give me a call,” Tara says, and hangs up the phone.
It might have been minutes or perhaps hours later when I feel Jude get into bed with me.
“Hey,” I whisper.
“Hey yourself,” Jude responds, kissing me on the lips. “I’m sorry I flipped out.”
“No…don’t apologize. I’m the one who should be groveling for forgiveness. I shouldn’t have put you on the spot like that without talking to you first. I was wrong. I don’t know what I was thinking.”
“You were thinking I would have a good time in a cool restaurant on the little stage playing guitar and singing my songs,” Jude answers as he moves my hair out of my face. “We’ve been doing that together for months; it wasn’t a stupid assumption. I don’t know what happened. I wanted it to be so good for you — I wanted to showcase your talent and make it our best gig ever. The more I thought about it, the harder it became. Pretty soon, I couldn’t breathe.”
“I’m sorry I put so much pressure on you,” I reply, leaning into his hand. “I swear I feel like I was possessed by my mother. I don’t know what came over me. Is this really what you want? Or have I been pushing you in a direction you never wanted to go?”
“Tasha, this is what I want to do,” Jude answers firmly. “I’ve been working for Aidan for a long time. He’s a super nice boss, but I’m a long way away from my family and if I didn’t want a shot at the brass ring, I wouldn’t be making these sacrifices. I could find a another nice boss a whole lot closer to home.”
“That’s true. Still, I can’t help but feel like I’ve been putting a lot of pressure on you to be somebody you’re not comfortable being.”
“I can’t argue that you haven’t pushed me beyond what I might’ve done on my own. I’ve worked for Aidan for years and never once told him I sing. On the other hand, I was one hundred percent willing to go in the direction you pushed me. I don’t think you actually pushed me as much as you gave me encouragement to do what I’ve wanted to do all along. Or, maybe it was permission to go out on a limb when otherwise I would’ve played it safe. Either way, I’m glad you’ve been helping me. I’m sorry if I made it seem like I wasn’t.”
“So, now what happens? Have I pushed you so far you don’t ever want to try again?”
Jude shrugs. “I wish I knew. I don’t. If you would’ve told me a few months ago I’d be able to perform on the stage with Aidan O’Brien and Tasha Keeley I would’ve sworn you were certifiably nuts. To say we’re in completely uncharted territory here is an understatement.”
“Okay, how about if I promise not to spring any more surprises on you?” I offer.
Jude pulls my bathrobe down off my shoulder and kisses it as he says, “I don’t know… I kind of like some of your surprises. How about if you just talk to me before you throw me on a stage next time?”
My phone rings as I’m trying to balance my phone on my shoulder and handle two cups of hot liquid from the quaint coffee shop at the same time. Jude said I couldn’t surprise him with any more impromptu performances, he didn’t say I couldn’t get him his favorite coffee.
“Hello? This is Tasha,” I answer, still distracted by the bustle around me.
“Hi, Tasha. I don’t know if you remember me, but this is Pennie Rose, Hayden’s mom.”
I set the coffees down on the table and put the phone closer to my ear. “Of course I remember you. Did something happen with Hayden?”
Pennie lets a breath out that I can hear through the phone. “I could give you an answer to that question which would take about three days to explain or I could just tell you that we don’t quite know what’s going on. Hayden has an infection she can’t seem to beat and she’s feeling discouraged. I know this is a huge imposition, but is there any way you might be able to come visit Hayden on your way back through town? She was so happy when you came to see her. It’s the perkiest I’ve seen her in months. It would be great if you guys could sing for her or something. I bet she would cheer right up.”
Thinking of the promise I made Jude, I have to stifle my first instinct. Instead I play it safe and say, “Pennie, I’m so sorry to hear that. I’m not with Jude right now. As soon as I talk to him, I’ll call you right back. He knows all about the logistics of this trip.”
“Okay, I’ll wait and I won’t say anything to Hayden until I hear from you,” Pennie replies. “Again, I’m sorry to bother you, but I don’t know what else to do.”
“Don’t worry about it. I told Hayden to call me if she needed anything. Obviously, this is important.”
Driving back to Stella’s house, I stew over the situation. Memphis isn’t far from Nashville, although I don’t know how Jude is going to respond to the second part of Pennie’s request.
As soon as I open the front door, Jude walks toward me with bare feet and his ever-present guitar. “I wondered where you went so early this morning, but I smell coffee, so I don’t even have to ask.” He has a wide grin on his face until he studies my expression.
“Are you still sad about yesterday?” he asks. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap at you.”
I shake my head as I stall to collect my thoughts by carefully taking a sip of the rocket-hot coffee. “No, it’s not that. I got a call from Pennie.”
“¡Dios mío!, is Hayden okay?” Jude asks immediately.
Again, I shake my head. “Apparently, she has some sort of infection and they can’t pin down the right antibiotics for her. Her mom says Hayden’s really discouraged. Pennie wants to know if there would be any way we could stop by and see her.”
“Let me get my shoes,” Jude says as he sets his guitar down. “Memphis is only three hours away. It’s not like we have anything more pressing to do on our vacation.”
“Jude, wait… Pennie wanted to know if maybe we could put on a little concert for Hayden. Is that going to be a problem?” I ask in a halting voice. I hate not knowing the right thing to say.
“I don’t know. I guess we’ll see when we get there. If Hayden can face down cancer, I can put my big boy boxers on and sing her a few notes,” Jude responds as he starts packing his duffel bag.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
JUDE
IT’S CLEAR JUST FROM THE way the nurses interact with us as Tasha and I walk toward Hayden’s room that things are very different this time. The smiles are still there, but they seem a little less real and more forced. Voices are quieter and body language more subdued.
Tasha’s grip on my arm is so tight it’s almost painful. “It’s going to be bad. I remember that look. I’ll never forget it as long as I live. It means they know something and they can’t say anything. My nurses always had that look on their face before I’d have to have something awful done. I learned to fear it almost more than a straight-out frown.”
“I’m sorry, baby. Remember, we don’t know the whole situation. It might not even be about Hayden. We have to have hope — if for no other reason than Hayden needs us to believe she’ll be okay.”
Tasha lets out the breath she’s been holding. “You’re right. Hayden can read every expression on our faces. We’ve got to pull ourselves together. We’re supposed to be her number one cheerleaders. I can’t let my past color how I see this situation. It’s not fair to Hayden.”
“It’s only human, Tasha. You have a history with this place. Unfortunately, you don’t get to decide when your history comes up and slaps you in the face.”
“You’re right, I don’t. I’ll just have to deal.”
As we turn the corner into Hayden’s room, the reality of it all hits me. This is a very different girl than we saw a few days ago. Gone are the smiles and bright eyes. Her skin is paper-white and her cheeks are flushed with fever. She has an oxygen cannula in her nose and more IVs than I can count.
“Hey, I heard you like the food here so much you decided to s
tay a while,” Tasha whispers as she walks up next to Hayden’s bed.
Hayden opens her eyes and struggles to sit up as she whispers hoarsely, “Mom didn’t say anything about you coming. I don’t even have any makeup on.”
Tasha winks at her. “Don’t tell anyone, I was too lazy to put mine on this morning. My mother would totally freak out if she thought the paparazzi might catch me without any makeup.”
Hayden smiles weakly as she responds, “I saw a picture in some gossip magazine of you all dressed up with makeup on when you were about eight. Was that Photoshopped or was it really you?”
Tasha rolls her eyes. “I don’t know. I didn’t see the picture. Chances are, it didn’t need to be retouched any more than it already was. My mom used to have these studio pictures taken of me in all of my pageant gear, and they’d retouch them to make me look more pageant-like. Sometimes it was downright scary.”
“Maybe that’s why you don’t like wearing makeup much now,” I comment.
“You’re probably right. Stage makeup can be entirely obnoxious,” Tasha replies with a shrug.
Hayden sighs. “Maybe so, but I could use a little something. I look terrible. It’s like the time my sister accidentally kicked a soccer ball into my face. These circles under my eyes are ugly.”
I briefly look up at Pennie as I ask, “Aside from the masks, are there any other restrictions for Hayden?”
“As long as Hayden is careful and doesn’t disturb her IVs, she’s fine. Just wash your hands carefully. As a precaution, you might want to wear gloves.”
I shoot Tasha what I hope is a silent message as I offer, “We never unloaded your stage makeup from the rental car. How about I take Pennie out for a cup of coffee while you two do whatever it is you do with those mysterious bottles, potions, and powders?”
Jude’s Song Page 12
