Jude’s Song

by Mary Crawford

  Hayden seems to rebound a little as she grins at Tasha. “Really? You have the real stuff with you — like what you wear in your music videos?”

  Tasha nods. “Yeah, I’ve got it all in a kit. When I was about your age, I had a fantastic makeup artist who taught me the ropes. I’m decked out like a professional, trust me.”

  Thinking of my overprotective mom and how she felt about my sister at that age, I ask Hayden, “How does your mom feel about you wearing makeup?”

  “I have to wear it so it looks natural most of the time, but when we’re playing dress-up, I can do whatever I want.”

  Tasha addresses Pennie. “Do you mind? It sounds fun. I promise to be careful.”

  Pennie shrugs as she responds, “Okay, but Hayden has some sort of infection. I would hate for her to ruin your makeup.”

  “I’m careful about that. I became a bit of a germaphobe after I spent so much time on the pageant circuit. I only use disposable applicators.”

  I step forward and kiss Tasha on the cheek. “Sounds like a plan. My sister would be so jealous if she knew she missed our party.” I turn and wait for Pennie to walk in front of me. “We’ll see you in a few minutes.”

  I have no idea whether I’m doing the right thing. I’m running on instinct here. I do know Tasha will take good care of Hayden. The two of them have been communicating via the computer for several days. Although Tasha was taken a bit off guard by the downturn in Hayden’s condition, they’ve developed a close bond. I hope this is a positive thing for both of them.

  Pennie and I walk quietly side-by-side to a restaurant next to the hospital. She looks up at the sky and comments, “You know, I’ve been in Hayden's room for so long I forget what it’s like to be outside. The weather is beautiful.”

  “The last time we were here, Hayden mentioned her dad. Is there a reason he’s not here to give you a break?” I ask before I can censor my question.

  “I wish we could afford to have him come with us — but when Hayden first got sick, we couldn’t figure out what was wrong with her. I’m a teacher’s aide at school. We had an influx of students and not enough staff, so I couldn’t take the time off to take her to her medical appointments, so my husband took time off from his job to do it. His company had recently been bought out and he had to find another job. He didn’t have any leave and the medical bills were piling up. Finally, someone suggested St. Jude’s and things have gotten better, but we have to be separated because there’s no way we as a family can make it just on my salary. Our other daughter is in college, and she wanted to come home to help, but I didn’t want to let her do that. She worked so hard to get into school and I didn’t want to ask her to sacrifice her dreams. So, it’s just me. It seems like it’s always just me. We moved across the nation for Larry’s job and I don’t have any family —”

  “Lo siento mucho,” I murmur.

  “Oh, listen to me spouting on and on. You probably didn’t even want to hear half of that story.”

  “No, you misunderstood me. I said I was very sorry because I have seen my own family members struggle,” I explain. “My uncle died of pancreatic cancer after a very long fight. Working to save his life just about killed my aunt too. She worried about him day and night until it consumed her existence. After my uncle passed away, my aunt didn’t know what to do with herself because being a care provider had become her whole identity. She’d forgotten who she was and how to take care of herself while she was taking care of my uncle. So, if you ever need a shoulder to cry on away from Hayden, don’t ever hesitate to call me. I’ve seen firsthand what it’s like.”

  “Oh, I could never do that. You’re on your way to be a very big star, you won't have time for the likes of me,” Pennie insists as she wipes away her tears with a tissue.

  After the waitress seats us, I study Pennie carefully. “You know, I’m not sure if that’ll ever happen for me. Even if it does, I have one of the best role models in the business. You know how big Aidan O’Brien is, but he’s as down to earth as they come. You would never guess he’s at the top of the charts and can sell out tickets to an event in a few minutes. He still acts like a regular guy and cares about every single person in our crew. If I’m ever fortunate enough to make it big, I want to be just like Aidan.” I sound like one of Aidan’s gushing fans, but it’s totally true. I have mad respect for the man over the way he treats his friends and family. “I promise I’ll never get so big that I won’t have time to listen to my friends like you. So, if you need to talk, you have my phone number. I expect you to call.”

  “Why are you being so nice to us?” Pennie asks suspiciously. “I’ve heard about stars meeting sick kids just so they can get their pictures in the paper for being charitable. You guys don’t seem to be doing that though. In fact, you seem to do everything you can to avoid the cameras. So, what’s in it for you?”

  “I can’t really speak for Tasha, but I’ve already told you a bit about my family and how alone my tia felt when my uncle was sick. Eventually, all of my aunt’s friends and most of my family got sick of hearing how my uncle would eventually die, so they stopped hanging around because they didn’t know what to say anymore. She was alone all the time with her thoughts and it was a scary place for her to be. I don’t want you and Hayden to be alone. Knowing Tasha, I suspect she feels very much the same.”

  “I don’t know how your aunt felt, but I have to be honest with you — most of the time I like to play make-believe games with myself. I like to pretend we’re here in Memphis on some fancy vacation and my daughter doesn’t have cancer and there isn’t a chance she might die. I know that it sounds absolutely crazy, but it’s what I have to do to survive.”

  “I understand. My tia would have me come over and play pinochle with my sister as if everything was normal and we were having a normal Friday night card game. Every week, we went like clockwork. It was hard to pretend everything was normal as he wasted away to almost nothing — especially at the end — but my tia wanted us to have some sort of normalcy because we’d held a family game night for as long as I can remember.”

  “Oh my goodness, that must’ve been hard on you.” Pennie pats the back of my hand when I reach for sugar for my coffee. “That’s one of the reasons I’m so glad Hayden’s sister is away at college — at least she can imagine all of this isn’t happening because it doesn’t hit her in the face every day.”

  “As hard as it was, after he passed away, those were some of the best memories from my sister and me.”

  Pennie cries and I realize my comments could easily be taken two ways, so I hurry to explain. “But there’s a difference — my uncle’s health was terrible when he got cancer of the pancreas. He drank and smoked a pack a day. He was the poster child for bad health habits. He didn’t have much reserve to fight with.”

  “That makes it hard. The doctor say it’s a good thing Hayden is young and healthy. As frustrated as she is about not being able to play sports now, the fact that she was in them before finding out she had Ewing’s sarcoma will make her recovery so much easier.”

  “Exactly! Hayden’s going to recover from this, she’ll figure out how to tie her shoes and go to the school dance and do all the things she wanted to do. She’ll need to do them differently, but she will do them. She’s bright and talented.”

  “I don’t know what to do about the piano playing. She’s absolutely devastated that she won’t be able to continue playing.”

  “I don’t know what the answer is. I sympathize with her because more than anything, I want to be on the stage like Tasha. I have been working for Aidan for years just to get up enough courage to approach him with a song or two I’ve written. I had overcome my stage fright enough to sing for a few nights with Aidan, but in the end it came roaring back without warning. Now, I don’t know if my dreams of being able to sing on stage are just smoke and mirrors. What if I’ve been chasing the wrong dream all along? I don’t know if I’ll be able to overcome my issues either. They might not be as visible as H
ayden’s, but they make me just as scared.”

  “Wow, that’s complicated. It must be scary for you not to know when you’re going to be able to perform and when you’re not. I know Hayden used to get so nervous before recitals. She was funny though, it was almost as if she fed on the excitement of it all. She loves being on stage and performing.”

  “Does she sing?” I ask.

  Pennie nods and she wipes away tears.“Mostly for fun — her focus was primarily the piano.”

  “I know Tasha’s always telling me that my voice is an instrument. I suspect she might tell your daughter the same thing. Maybe now Hayden will gravitate toward singing as a way of expressing herself musically. Even though it’s hard for me to do it in public, it was always something I did in private because there’s just something inside of me that drives me to be creative.”

  “All of this has been so hard on Hayden. She used to love to draw and paint. She’d spend hours writing and illustrating poems, and now she fights so hard to try to learn to do this with her non-dominant hand. It seems everything is frustrating for her. I’d do anything to trade places with her, and it hurts my heart to see her so upset.”

  “Pennie, you have to cut yourself some slack. You need a break. You can’t fix this. Hayden needs to learn those skills on her own. I think you guys are being far too hard on yourselves. You’re still getting used to what happened to you.”

  “Nothing happened to me!” Pennie insists. “I stood helplessly by as cancer ravaged my daughter before she even had a chance to become a woman.”

  “No, I’ve been through this. Cancer happens to the whole family, whether you wanted it to or not. As Hayden’s mom, you are the equivalent of a first responder. You can’t keep blaming yourself for cells that went crazy in Hayden’s body.”

  Pennie blows her nose and then responds, “I know, but I would’ve given anything to stop it.”

  “I know you would, but stuff just happens. There doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason. Sure, there are cases with obvious causes like with my uncle, but there are cases like Hayden’s where it happens because life isn’t fair. It’s wrong for you to think you’re not also a victim of cancer too. Everything in your life has changed. All the dreams, hopes, and aspirations you had for your daughter have to be adjusted because she’s been touched by cancer. Don’t dismiss that about yourself. It’s not fair to you, to your husband or to your daughters. When this is all over and Hayden beats this, in some strange way, you too are a cancer survivor. Don’t forget that — it’s important.”

  Pennie gives me a watery smile as she says, “It’s obvious why Tasha thinks you’re the perfect man. Your heart is as big as Texas, and you’re pretty darn smart too.”

  “I don’t know about that, but Tasha means the world to me,” I blurt as I fiddle with my food.

  “Oh, I think it’s clear — but what are you going to do when she starts school? How will you manage your career with Aidan? I can’t imagine the two of you will want to be separated for long. If you don’t mind me saying so, you two are like two peas in a pod. You seem so well suited. You play up each other’s strengths well.”

  I take a moment to absorb the stark reality of her words. Tasha and I have talked about a lot of things, but I’ve never had it laid out in front of me like this. For us both to succeed, one of us will have to put our dreams on hold for a while. I suddenly realize, with Pennie sitting right in front of me, that person will probably be me.

  I look up at Pennie and she’s waiting for me to answer her. I shrug. “We still have some logistical details to work out. It depends on which school she gets into and if they accept her into the nursing program. It’s been a little difficult for her because of the way she went to school. It wasn’t always very consistent because of how much travel she and her mom did for the pageant stuff. ”

  “My goodness! You and Tasha have so many balls up in the air. It must be difficult to manage them all. The only thing I can say is when the times get tough — remember this moment when you were so in love with her that you couldn’t imagine your life apart. Take a picture of that memory in your brain and burn it there. Sometimes life will come up and destroy what you thought you knew about the world. If the two of you can fight the battles together, rather than fight each other, it will be so much easier. If she’s going to do something as complicated as a nursing program, it’ll have to be the two of you against the world.”

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  TASHA

  “AM I GONNA DIE?” HAYDEN whispers in a hoarse voice. “It’s okay, my mom isn’t here now. You can tell me the truth.”

  “I can’t tell you that. I’m not God and I’m not your doctor. I’m just your friend,” I answer carefully. “I wish I had some special skill where I could tell the future, but I don’t. I know you feel lousy, but it doesn’t mean you’re going to die. Didn’t you tell me the other day that your lab results came back and your margins were clean?”

  “Yeah, that’s what they say, but after they said all that I started feeling really sick again. It makes me super scared and I can’t even tell my mom how frightened I am because she’s afraid too.”

  “I know. There isn’t any fun part of cancer. It’s all scary and overwhelming. It’s all about coping from one day to the next.”

  “For once, I think you’re wrong,” Hayden argues.

  “Yeah? How’s that?” I ask with a quizzical look.

  “Well, if it wasn’t for this stupid cancer, I would’ve never met you and Jude, and you are the coolest people I’ve ever met.”

  “Okay, you might have a point. I think it’s pretty cool I got to meet you too. Still, I hate that cancer was the reason we got to meet.”

  I open my makeup case and set it at the end of the bed. I pull out a bunch of little white condiment containers and set them on the bedside table.

  Hayden laughs out loud. “What are you going to do — put ketchup and mustard on my face?”

  “No, although my friend who taught me how to do makeup used to put mayonnaise in my hair as a conditioning treatment. She was also very picky about keeping my makeup super clean, so she taught me to custom mix all my colors. Jude always laughs at me when I put makeup on because he says it looks like a science experiment run amok.”

  “That’s weird, my friends just put on anything and everything.”

  “I probably would’ve learned that way too, except I was lucky. Charlize worked with some supermodel in Paris before she had her own kids and worked the pageant circuit. She really knew her stuff and didn’t mind sharing it with a very curious soon-to-be teenager.”

  “No wonder you don’t always wear makeup. It looks like a lot of work.”

  I grin. “I suppose it is. I guess I’m used to it. Why don’t you tell me how you would like to look today? Do you want to look like a rock star or a fashion model, or would you like to try something you could wear to school?”

  “If you’re letting me choose, can we try something I might be able to show my best friend so she can help me do it for the school dance?”

  “Sure,” I reply as I wash my hands and put on a pair of gloves. “I’d love to. What color do you think your dress will be?”

  “I don’t know, I haven’t chosen yet. I like red — but it makes my dad a little nervous. He thinks it’s too mature for my age.”

  “I can see where he would be worried. You’re very beautiful,” I observe with a wide smile.

  “What did your dad say about all the pageant stuff? I bet he about blew a gasket, didn’t he?”

  “No, my dad wasn’t around. He left before I hit kindergarten. My grandparents were never big fans of makeup and grown-up hairdos, but I never had a dad to worry about those things.”

  “That’s sad, I’m sorry,” Hayden murmurs as she observes me removing things from my makeup kit.

  “I was so little I didn’t know any differently. It was all I ever knew. You know, it’s just your normal when you’re growing up.”

  “So, it was
only your mom?” Hayden asks. She winces as she tries to shift in bed and sit up.

  “Mostly. My grandparents were around a lot and after my Papa died my Nana moved in with us.

  “If your grandma is anything like mine, she’s probably super proud of you.”

  I can’t hide the glowing grin as I respond, “Yeah, my Nana is probably my number one fan. She’d be my number one fan regardless of what I do.”

  “Does she know about your plan to go to school?”

  “She knows it’s a possibility, but I don’t know if she knows how serious I am about it. I don’t want to stick her in the middle of the controversy because I know my mom won't be supportive of my plans.”

  “That’s tough. I hope it all works out.” Hayden sounds glum.

  Giving myself a mental and physical shake, I say, “Enough serious business. Let’s get down to the fun girly stuff. That’s what we’re here for. After all, we don’t want Jude and your mom to come back mid-makeover.” I take my tray of lipsticks out of the case and carry them over to Hayden. “Which one is your favorite?”

  “Are you serious? I’ve never seen so many colors of lipstick. It’s like you own a whole store!”

  “I used to have even more, but after I stopped doing the pageant stuff, I got rid of a bunch.”

  “That’s totally insane,” Hayden answers with wide eyes. She carefully studies the tray and points to one. “I really like this one. What do you think?”

  “I think it’s an excellent choice.” I dig to the bottom of my box and pull out a new tube of lipstick. “Would you believe it's my favorite? You can have this tube. I have a few extra.”

  “You’re not just making that up?” Hayden asks skeptically.

  I pull the used tube out of the tray and show her how much of it is gone compared to the other colors. “Nope, see? I’d say I use this color most days.”