Returning her focus to the matter at hand, she realized the first few pictures were so unlike either man that she wondered if her description had been so vague that the computer had only generated pictures that were completely off base. Then, with a few more clicks of the mouse, they began to closer resemble one of the men until suddenly she was looking into the eyes of a very bad man. A man who had hatefully forced himself on a woman because she looked different than he thought she should. Courtney could still clearly see the bitterness and anger within the depths of his eyes, but also hopelessness and despair.
It was an unexpected revelation. Anger consumed her. Every class she had ever taken or taught, every feeling she had studied, every fear she had contemplated and every experience she had shied away from since that day had been preparing her for this day. The problem was all those things had failed her. There was no class or book for how to deal with these feelings, how to deal with the fact that she could now offer the evil bastard a clinical diagnosis rather than just hating him.
She couldn’t breathe. One of the detectives asked her if the man on the screen was one of the men who had hurt Aunt Corrine, and she somehow managed to nod. At some point the room grew quiet as she stared at the man’s photo, not wanting to see it anymore but unable to look away.
“Ms. Wells, I cannot click the checkbox. To do so would make this entire process invalid in court. So if this is one of the two men you saw that day, you can indicate that by clicking the box,” Detective Baker said gently.
Reaching out, she clicked the box to indicate that he was one of the two men and then clicked to save her selection. A sob escaped her and her eyes and throat burned but she forced the feelings down. Not here, not now.
“Thank you, Ms. Wells. Perhaps you can come back another day and try to ID the second man. I think you’ve been through enough for today,” Detective Baker said, closing down the program.
She sat staring at the blank screen unable to see anything other than memories of the man’s expression as he’d unleashed his wrath upon Aunt Corrine. At some point she looked around and found that only Detective Morgan remained, the other two detectives had left the room.
“Will you be okay to drive yourself home?” Detective Morgan asked. She could only nod.
“Let me at least walk you to your car. Detective Baker will be in contact with you in a few days,” Detective Morgan said, standing up.
She somehow managed to walk outside and get in her car, but when she looked around she realized that Detective Morgan had gone back inside. Her mind was truly slipping. This was more than she could handle. It wasn’t making her stronger…this was going to make her completely lose it.
By the time she made it back home she just wanted to crawl into bed and pull the covers over her head. Truthfully she wanted Ian, but he was right. He didn’t deserve the roller coaster ride of emotions that she tormented him with. Instead she managed to call the head of the psychology department and notify him that she needed a temporary leave of absence. The college would get one of the other instructors to cover the rest of her classes, including exams, for this semester. Then she dressed for bed and somehow fell into a deep sleep.
The next few days went by in a haze. Each day she fought with herself over calling Ian or Jess, but somehow the day would pass and she would never call.
Soon, Detective Baker let her know they had successfully filed charges against both the man she had identified and the man whose DNA had matched the evidence collected. They had been charged with multiple crimes. He explained that any of the charges the men were convicted of would keep them both in prison for many years, but a trial might require her to testify.
After a few more days of living in a fog, the ringing of her cell phone woke her out of a fitful sleep. Rolling over, she picked it up off her nightstand to see Jess’s name and number underneath the time. It was early enough that she had no real excuse not to answer. Sighing out of both relief and uneasiness over having to explain herself, she finally answered. She listened as Jess playfully indicated that the SWAT team wouldn’t be necessary after all.
“Though I respect you and Ian’s need to leave emotional scars on each other the size of Jupiter, I would like you both to know that I did not sign on for any of this shit. As the only stable individual in this situation at the moment, I must insist on a truce, at least for tonight,” Jess said.
Even hearing his name caused the ache from Courtney’s heartfelt and emotionally draining cough to return in full force.
“Why, what’s tonight?” she asked, taking the bait.
“A fight in the octagon featuring a numskull who shouldn’t be competing when he’s an emotional mess. It always has the same disastrous results, especially when he’s up against a man who is a monster in the ring and might possibly do a real number on said numskull’s face,” Jess said, as though announcing the main fighting event of the evening. Then her voice turned serious. “I thought you should go with me. I figure rather than grounding you both and sending you to your rooms for time-out, he can take the physical punishment and you can take the emotional penalty.”
“I can’t, Jess. This thing between me and him just isn’t going to work. I shouldn’t be in a relationship with anyone, man or woman. I’m just not cut out for it. I know I shouldn’t do it, but when my life gets crazy or painful I strike out at anyone who dares to get close to me—family or friends. He doesn’t deserve that. He knows it, and so do I. Hell, you don’t deserve it, either, so I’m not sure why you come back for more of my baggage. I cannot be part of a healthy relationship with him,” she said.
“News tip of the day, no one is in a completely healthy relationship. If there were such a thing there would be no need for therapists like us. You don’t truly love someone until you can both hurt them and fulfill them on the same level that they do for you. The part that makes a relationship strong is the willingness to do less hurting and more fulfilling,” Jess said. “So my question is, are you seriously willing to cut him out of your life altogether just because you were being a hateful bitch and can’t own up and apologize for it? That’s the other part of a good relationship—admitting when you do cause hurt and apologizing for it, or forgiving the offending party.”
Jess was right, but Courtney couldn’t apologize to him until she was ready to make some changes in her life and how she handled life’s surprise punches. She felt desperation unlike anything she’d ever experienced. The idea of Ian getting over her was too painful. Right or wrong, she wanted him to still want her. Was it selfish? Yes, but it was the truth.
Suddenly, she knew the roller coaster ride was over. She would not make him stand in line for another turn. If she were lucky enough for him to give her another chance, she needed to be ready for that chance. It would very likely be her last. Those changes had to start right now.
“I need to think about it, Jess,” Courtney finally answered.
“I’m covering someone else’s shift, but I should be off around five. I can pick you up around six if you want to go. That should give us just enough time to get there and get a seat before the fight starts. There won’t be time for any pre-match petting like the last time you two went through all this drama. Just text me and let me know before five,” Jess said.
After hanging up, Courtney’s memories immediately returned to the petting Jess referred to. That had been the first time she’d initiated touching Ian. A thrill went through her upon remembering how it felt to be so close to him. His big hands holding her waist. The feel of his mouth on hers. The touch of his hand as he had pleasured her. He had never hurt her. He had only ever tried to fulfill her, both emotionally and physically. Time and again she had shoved him away.
As much as she’d like to blame her behavior and emotional baggage on the past, she knew this was her doing. Being alone, unable to handle relationships with other people, including the woman who was the real victim in all this—with
drawing to the point of being unable to function—this was all on her. She needed to own her part in the fiasco her life had become. Those men hadn’t done this to her. She’d done this by allowing their actions that day to rule hers from that moment on.
If that single experience had irrevocably changed her she wouldn’t even now be missing a giant man with a playful personality. She was in love with Ian Hamilton. It was as simple as that. But instead of embracing him she had spurned him. To make things worse she had then blamed the failure of yet another relationship in her life on the past.
Making changes in her life were absolutely necessary if she didn’t want to spend the next forty years doused in self-pity. If she wanted a different life, only she could make that happen. If she wanted Ian Hamilton, then she would have to make that happen, as well. Claiming a normal life had to start with her. No more playing the victim. Changes were definitely needed and they would start with Aunt Corrine. Getting out of bed, Courtney threw on her robe, grabbed her cell phone and headed downstairs.
After fixing herself some red-raspberry-leaf tea she sat down at her dining room table and dialed Aunt Corrine’s number. Courtney could only hope that after all these years of pushing away her beloved aunt the woman would have the strength not only to get past such a devastating personal experience but also to forgive her only niece.
“Courtney? Honey, are you okay?” Aunt Corrine said upon answering the phone.
“No, I’m not okay. I haven’t been okay for years now, but I’m going to be. I need to tell you something, though, in order to start down the road of being whole again,” she choked out.
“Sure, you know you can tell me anything.” Courtney heard her aunt rustling around and only then realized she had probably woken up the older woman. But it couldn’t be helped. This needed to be said—it should have been said years ago.
“I identified the second man that attacked you that day. I’m sorry I didn’t call you myself to tell you that. I’m sure you’ve heard it from the detective by now,” Courtney said.
“Yes, Detective Baker called. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I know how hard that must have been for you.”
“It was hard, but the hardest part,” Courtney said and then paused as her voice broke. “The hardest part has always been that I didn’t defend you that day. I stayed hidden and didn’t even try to help you. I should have fought them off or tried to run for help or something but instead I did nothing. I was such a coward, and I’m so sorry, Aunt Corrine.”
After several minutes of silence where years of pent-up shame made tracks down her cheeks, she heard Aunt Corrine sniff and then say, “Never in my whole life was I so thankful that without having to be told you did exactly what I was hoping and praying you would do. You stayed hidden and quiet. If they had known you were there, they would surely have killed us both. I have never doubted that. They thought they had killed me. I know they did. And I remember thinking that maybe they had and I just wasn’t dead yet. I worried about what would happen to you. That’s the last thing I remember before I woke up in the hospital. If you hadn’t stayed put and waited for them to leave, you wouldn’t have been able to call for help. You saved us both that day, Courtney. I’ve always believed that. I’m just sorry it came at such a huge price for you.”
This time Courtney heard the explanation for what it was…honesty. Aunt Corrine wasn’t just saying it because it was what an adult said to a terrified child who had witnessed something they shouldn’t have. She was saying it because it was the truth, a certainty Aunt Corrine believed with all her heart. It was in her voice and the tearful sighs Courtney heard coming through the phone. The soft crying sounded like a woman finally healing—much like her own sobs sounded.
After several long moments, Courtney said, “I realize that now, but after almost thirty years I’m going to try to do what I have always wished I could have done that day—I’m going to fight for you. I’ll testify and do whatever I need to do to make sure they never hurt another person like they hurt you.”
“I’m glad to hear that, Courtney, not just for my sake, but for yours, as well. I hope you will get through what we are about to experience over the next few months. Those men might not have touched you that day, but they left just as big a mark on you as they did on me. I’m glad you will get a chance to stand up for us both,” Aunt Corrine said.
“Me, too. Me, too,” Courtney managed to say through her tears.
“So what brought all this on? I’ve been waiting and praying for it for years, especially when I didn’t think they would ever catch those men,” Aunt Corrine asked. “Was it having a chance to fight back against them?”
In all honesty it was because Courtney wanted a life that wasn’t so engulfed in bad memories that it didn’t leave room for anything or anyone else. She wanted Aunt Corrine back in her life. Hanging out with Jess had always centered on not going anywhere that might make her uncomfortable. She wanted to stop looking over her shoulder. She needed to quit waiting to be attacked herself by some crazed man. Lastly, she ached to be with Ian and not have to share him with almost-thirty-year-old memories.
“I met someone,a man. And I’ve been letting this stand in the way of not only my relationship with you, but also my relationship with him. My friend Jess, you remember her, she called me this morning and said the right thing at the right time, I guess. It got me thinking and wanting something more from my life. I want to be normal, and I’m the only one who can make that kind of a change,” she finished.
“Jess is a real sweet girl. I just adore her, and I’m so thankful she’s there for you when you need a friend, but I want to hear all about this man in your life,” Aunt Corrine said with a gentle laugh.
“Ian’s so different from anyone I could have ever pictured being with. He’s like a giant. Seriously one of the biggest men I’ve ever seen, and he has the most unique-colored eyes, and he makes me laugh,” she said, laughing through the last of her tears.
“Where did you meet him?”
“I met him through Jess. He cleans houses and businesses. In fact, he cleans for Jess. But he also competes in mixed martial arts fights. I know that probably sounds really crazy. Me with a gigantic fighter. But he’s such a contradiction. I really like him, but I said some mean things to him a couple of weeks ago and we kind of ended things. I mean we weren’t actually together…I mean not like boyfriend and girlfriend…I mean I just…I just miss him,” she finished quietly.
“Sounds like you have some talking to do with him, just like you did with me. I only hope for your sake and his that it doesn’t take you another couple of decades to tell him how you feel,” Aunt Corrine said with a smile in her voice.
They talked a little longer, catching up on their lives, and by the time Courtney ended the call she was surprised to find that it was already past lunchtime. She did want to go to the fight with Jess tonight, and she could only hope that her being there didn’t make things even worse for Ian. Deciding that her depression party had gone on long enough, she called Jess.
“I do want to go tonight. I’m sorry for the way I’ve been acting, especially lately. I’m also very thankful to have such a great friend. You’re the best, Jess, and I love you. See you around six. I’ll be ready.”
After leaving the voicemail for Jess, Courtney quickly made herself some lunch and went back upstairs to shower and get ready. She also wanted to call Ian, but the ugly words she had said to him still haunted her. Would hearing from her only make him feel worse? Especially right before a fight? Should she wait for him to say something first, so she could better judge if he even wanted anything to do with her at all?
Courtney spent the remainder of the afternoon arguing with herself over whether or not she should call him and finally decided against it. Instead she would wait until after his fight to talk to him.
When Jess showed up almost an hour late, Courtney was surprised when Jess s
till took the time to hug her and say, “I was so glad to hear your voicemail. There is nothing to forgive. You’re still my other BFF and always will be.”
As they made it to the highway, Jess said, “So are you and Ian all squared away now?”
“I thought it was best to wait until after his fight to apologize for what I said to him. I didn’t want to make things worse for him right before he’s set to fight a monster,” she replied.
Jess looked thoughtful. “I suppose you are right. He’s fought the past two weekends. He lost the first one, but won last weekend, so I can only hope that he has his game face on tonight. He doesn’t need the distraction.”
It was a lot later than Courtney would have liked by the time they made it into the building. The crowd was rowdy and nearly all the seats were taken. She could see Tori, Seth, Kayla, and Ronnie sitting close to the ring, but they didn’t notice her or Jess. There was an empty seat next to Ronnie that was occupied with Kayla’s and Tori’s purses.
Courtney watched as Rusty Hawkins came through the roped off curtain where the fighters waited for their matches. As he made it to where the group sat, Ronnie cleared off the seat for him. Just as Rusty started to sit down, he looked at Ronnie and shook his head as though disappointed or worried.
A sinking feeling hit Courtney just as the ring announcer introduced Ian’s fight.
Chapter Eleven
Ian understood where Rusty was coming from. He probably shouldn’t be fighting tonight, but what else was he going to do on a Friday evening?
It wasn’t fair to continually impose on Ronnie or Seth. They both had families who required their attention, and even though they were good about inviting Ian over, he didn’t feel right about just showing up…at least not on a regular basis. Rusty was a whole other matter. His moodiness had migrated to a new level, making him seem like one of those cranky old men who yelled at kids who came into his yard. Sometimes it wasn’t so bad hanging with him, but other times it was almost painful. Trying to get Rusty to snap out of his funk was a fruitless effort.
Maid to Love (Man Maid Book 3) Page 13
