I know, even before Araton, Blay and Calasis enter the hiding chamber that the Zantronians have retreated. I felt the subtle shift within my body, a lightness which assured me that I am safe once again.
My skin tingles under Blay’s watchful eye and I can’t keep myself from looking at him, my chest constricting as his frown deepens.
“These attacks are becoming too regular.” Araton’s fingers scratch at the bristly growth along his jaw, his age reflecting in his worried eyes. “There must be a reason why.”
Blay’s gaze drops to my arm, his frown increasing until his dark brows form one straight line and when he steps forward my heart drops to my stomach, sure he’s going to expose my secret, because it’s becoming clearly obvious to me now. These attacks aren’t random; they have increased since my arrival. That can only mean one thing.
The reason is me. The Zantronians want me.
“They are retaliating. We hurt them and now they want revenge.” Blay’s voice holds conviction, his words strong and steady and I wonder if he actually believes that or if he too has come to the same conclusion that I have, only he’s better at hiding it.
“Have you found any evidence of an imposter?”
Araton’s heavy boots thump against the floor as he begins to pace, his constant movement soothing me somehow.
“No, but I still maintain that is the case, the probability of them always anticipating our attacks is too low.”
“I don’t believe this is the best time to be discussing this matter.” Karadese interrupts Blay, discreetly gesturing to Ellestra and myself.
Araton stops midstride, instantly lapsing into ‘father mode’, a soft smile transforming his face from a seasoned warrior to a concerned parent.
“Perhaps we should continue this conversation later. In the meantime, I do believe we should have a late breakfast.”
Araton wraps his arm around Ellestra’s shoulders, hugging her close and leading her from the panic room.
I hang back, waiting for everyone to leave the room, hoping that Blay will notice and we can be alone so I can tell him of my theory. It’s time to come clean and maybe he will have some solution that doesn’t involve me being a sacrifice.
Instead, it is Karadese who lingers behind, waiting patiently for me to realise that she won’t leave unless I’m by her side.
She doesn’t comment on the disappointment which flashes across my face. I push it down and begin to walk out, only to have her slip her slender arm around mine, her pace slowing, giving the others time to vanish.
She leads me silently down the hall, making several turns before finally coming to a room which leaves me in awe.
The room is magnificent, truly it is. It’s like it’s been sucked right out of a fairy tale and transformed into the magical space right in front of me.
Half of the room is floor to ceiling bookshelves, carved into the very rock of the cliff which cradles the castle. So many books line the shelves, all leather clad in varying colours and sizes and all screaming out to be read, to breathe in the scent of paper and ink and journey to a fictional world of fantasy.
The books don’t hold my attention for long as my eyes are drawn to the opposite side of the room, two sides in fact, which are nothing but glass, clean clear glass which gives an un-obscured view of the flowing crystal-clear waterfall below us.
From this angle I can see the stretch of the blue lake, lapping gently all the way up to the land I had made my escape to, so far away, it’s amazing I made it all the way there without drowning.
Everything beyond these walls continues to flow, unaffected by the threat which plagues us. Just taking it all in calms me, fills my soul with a sense of freedom that the rest of the castle stifles.
I don’t notice Karadese closing the door behind us, effectively blocking the guards from sight. Without Zaneth’s presence my pulse increases, nerves beginning to show even though I don’t know what to expect.
Karadese glides to an overstuffed floral couch which seems to swallow her whole in its vastness. Not knowing what else to do, I copy her, sinking into a ridiculously comfortable chair, trying to keep my composure while her eyes scrutinise my every movement.
My own eyes flicker around the room, taking in all the art in the form of carvings, both stone and wood. Everything looks expensive and handpicked to give the entire room a sophisticated air; however extravagant it is, it’s not pompous and I still find it to be the most relaxing room in the entire castle, so much so I don’t want to leave.
“Are you ready to forgive me yet?” The softness of her voice surprises me; I wasn’t expecting such a level of sadness from a woman who seems to have everything under control.
“There is nothing to forgive. You and your family have provided for me beyond any expectations. If the payment for your kindness is to play a certain part for your people, then I’m happy to oblige.” Coldness seeps into my voice on its own accord and I don’t miss the tightening of her eyes as she takes in the hurt that I’d thought I’d already come to terms with.
Stupid and irrational as it may be, I am hurt by her actions. If she hadn’t pretended to care for me then I would have handled this all so much better. As it is, her deception feels like a betrayal, one that reminds me all too much of my own mother.
I ran from her, and I’ve run from Karadese. That’s what I do, I run.
“You have made assumptions that are vastly different from the truth of reality.”
I go to interrupt her but she silences me with a wave of her hand.
“You are correct, in that your surviving the Zantronians attack is a wonderful opportunity to bring hope to my people, and I will always seize any opportunity I have to uplift them, but I assure you that taking you in and providing you with a home and safety has nothing to do with any pretence. You and I are not that different.” She pauses, catching her breath while I stare at her dubiously.
I see no similarities between us at all. Where she is kind, confident and holds an unequalled inner strength, I am riddled with self-doubt, fear eating me alive, not to mention the fact that she is royalty and I’m nothing more than a homeless girl who was sleeping on friend’s couches before any of this happened.
Yeah, we could be twins.
“Rayna, I took you in, sat by your bedside every day willing you to get better because I, more than anyone else alive, know what it is you are going through.” Her eyes plead with me to understand, but I don’t, I can’t connect the dots.
Her sigh is soft, barely audible, yet it seems to deflate her, drain her of life as her shoulders cave in, cocooning in on herself.
“I believe it is time for you to learn the truth, although it is not something I like to discuss, so I would be grateful for you to keep your knowledge between us.” She folds her hands in her lap, waiting for me to agree to her terms. When I nod she breathes in deeply, steeling herself for the confession to come.
“Years ago, before Araton and I were betrothed, I was young and idealistic of a world beyond fighting. My parents thought I was reckless, but I believed that I could change our world, to live a peaceful existence and be free from the constant fear that prohibits our evolution. Against their wishes, I ventured out with a group of similar minded people, ready to save our world.” Karadese no longer watches me; instead she looks out at the waterfall, lost in her memories which have me holding my breath, already sensing the devastation that accompanies this story.
“We travelled to a few planets, reaching out for allies and spreading the word of the changes I would make. It didn’t take long for the Zantronians to find us, and I foolishly dove head first into my goal of ending our fight. I was naive, that much was blatantly obvious, and they were cruel. We were captured; our few guards killed ceremonially before me in an attempt to prove my actions were futile. I remember, so clearly, the exact moment I prayed to die. It was when I was forced to watch the last of my friends be killed. There was no one left in our cage except for me and one other boy who was captured in
a raid before us. That was the last day I felt hope. Any desire for peace was eliminated as I watched them feast on the dead, and I forced myself to watch, to feel every slice of pain, to burn the image into my memory for all of time, because it was my fault. They died because of my dreams, my naivety.”
I sit here stunned, unable to summon any words at all. All this time Karadese has been reliving her nightmare, suffering through her pain, all brought back to the present for her because of me. This is why Araton wanted to send me back to Earth straight away; he knew the pain I would dredge up.
She knows first-hand the torment I went through, the crippling fear which still plagues me, she knows because it happened to her too. She wasn’t using me - she was saving me, saving a piece of herself that is still tortured, a piece that can never be saved.
“My father mounted a full-scale rescue mission. It was back in the days when we still held the element of surprise, and less than two months after my capture I was salvaged, a shell of my former self, turned into a neurotic, bitter woman who has never once again left the safety of my planet.” A soft knowing smile curls her lips, her caramel eyes locking onto mine, so similar to Blay’s and just as mysterious.
“You may think that our experiences are what we have in common, Rayna, but believe me when I tell you, it is much more than that. To survive the Zantronians you must hold courage deep inside of you that little others can conceive. It’s a power all of its own, defiance of such magnitude that can only be imagined, yet it is also addictive for the Zantronians. It is what kept me alive, what still keeps me fighting, and I believe it is what you drew on to survive for so long without any hope.”
“I’m not special,” my words trail off as a memory sparks to life of something Garvien said right before he tried to kill me – ‘I knew there was something different about you, that’s why I kept you for last’. Is that what he was meaning? Do I contain a bravery outweighing others?
No, they are wrong, I’m not brave, and I’ve proven that time and time again. Each time I clamped my lips shut to save myself from screaming as my friends died or fleeing the castle into the unknown. None of that was brave; it was merely an automatic reflex to keep myself alive. Self-preservation isn’t bravery, it’s selfish and that’s what I am.
“Karadese, I only survived because Blay saved me. If he wasn’t there that day then I would be dead right now. He is the brave one, both of your sons are. Me, I just got lucky at the end of a very bad situation.”
“I don’t believe that for a moment,” Karadese interrupts, the corners of her lips dropping, a shadow crossing her ethereal face.
Within a heartbeat she plasters a smile on reddened lips, banishing the haunting memories.
“Did you enjoy the ball?”
My lips mouth words which don’t escape. How did we change the subject so quickly? If I’m honest I would have preferred to continue talking about my torture. Plus how do I just forget about her confession? I need to know more, to ask her a million questions, starting with ‘how do you ever forgive yourself for being the only one who survived?’, but looking at her suddenly closed off expression I know that she’s done talking about her ordeal, although I vow to bring it back up the moment I can.
“It was very enlightening.” I try to be as honest as possible without admitting I was completely bored by the end of the night.
“You and my son made a delightful pair. It was all anyone could talk about.”
Really? Calasis and I hadn’t spent that much time together, it was hard to believe that we could have caused such interest.
“Well Calasis is a good looking guy. He was very sweet to escort me, but really there’s nothing going on between us for anyone to be talking about.” I keep my voice firm, wanting to put a definite end to any speculation about me and Calasis.
Her eyes tighten, the smile not faltering yet holding a well-practiced tilt.
“And what about Blay? How do you feel about him?”
Her question catches me off guard. She’s certainly full of surprises today. I hadn’t anticipated her picking up on the shaky, irrational feelings that have taken me by surprise since encountering Blay.
She sits there, hands folded neatly in her lap, patiently waiting as endless excuses run wild through my brain.
“You two seem to have grown friendly,” she offers.
“Have we?” I decide to feign ignorance.
“Yes, although as far as Blay is concerned it doesn’t take me by surprise how he has grown protective of you. He’s been enamoured by your presence since he found you in that wasteland, but you seemed…..hesitant for some time after you first met the boys. Why was that?”
I shrug, not meeting her eye.
“I’m not good with new people I guess.”
“Well, however hardened his exterior appears, he does have the biggest heart and even though interspecies coupling is not impossible - I assure you it is - I would advise you to be careful advancing on a relationship with Blay.”
I glance up, finally meeting her suddenly hardened gaze. What is she getting at? Why would she be happy if I perused a relationship with Calasis but not with Blay? My eyes drill into her, trying to read her motives with each twitch of her eyes, finally she tilts her head, her lips turning down at the corners as she looks away from me.
“He is, after all, the next in line for the throne.”
A knock at the door stops me from spitting out my hurt reaction. She doesn’t want me dating Blay purely because I’m not good enough for someone who holds great importance.
However hurt I am, I can still see her point. I’m not a Prytorian nor am I anything special enough to be with a future King.
That sad realisation keeps my lips locked together after Zaneth opens the door and informs us that brunch is getting cold.
Karadese thanks him kindly, all traces of the serious conversation between us evaporated as she rises, walking to the door in one swift motion.
I follow behind her, emptiness cracking open my chest as the tiny hope which had somehow burrowed its way inside my heart distinguishes as the meaning of her words haunt me.
Before I reach the door she turns, wrapping her arms around my shoulders and pulling me close, hugging me like a mother with her child.
I stand there, frozen, dying to return her embrace yet unable to move with the growing anger rearing its head.
Her soft lips press against my forehead and when she pulls back to cup my face in her small hands I see tears welling in her eyes.
“A time will come when you will need to believe in yourself, Rayna. When others will depend on you, and when that time does come remember who you are, who you truly are.”
She leaves me standing there, watching her retreating form, struggling to understand the meaning behind her words.
Everything she says and does is a complete contradiction. I’m not good enough for Blay yet her tenderness is like that of a mother to her daughter.
Her randomness has muddled my emotions completely; I’m all over the place and certainly not in control of myself enough to be around other people.
The reality that I’m never going to be with Blay leaves a gaping hole in my chest, irrational as it seems. With so much changing in my life, I clung to the minuscule possibility that happiness might not elude me after all.
Although now that hope has been thoroughly squashed, stamped on and disintegrated very clearly, by the Queen herself.
Blay may have feelings for me but he’s a man of honour. He would never do anything that would go against what his mother expected and I wouldn’t make him do so.
One thing is for sure, I can’t continue to stay here if I’m supposed to keep my distance from Blay and if, or more likely when, he finds another girl to pique his interest, I know it will shatter the thinly erected walls lining my heart.
This leaves me with little choice but to find a way to solve my problems all on my own – and fast.
Instead of following after Karadese I nod at Zanet
h before shutting the door and turning to the colossal bookshelves.
I scan the thousands of leather-clad books, not knowing where to start, just holding out hope, no matter how tiny, that maybe somewhere deep in the pages of these stories there might be answers that will help me get out of this place and far away from my desires for Blay. If not, then hopefully I will at least get lost in someone else’s fictional world for a while.
Chapter Sixteen
Each book that I have pulled from differing shelves, every page scouring over like it might hold the key to my future and every one nothing but utter disappointment.
There have been tales of time travel and princesses being saved from evil demons, books detailing how to raise a horse and how to brew a planet transportation potion. I had been incredibly excited about the last one until I realised that I didn’t know what any of the ingredients were or how to get them, even though for some reason they sparked a faint recollection in the back of my mind. I committed them to memory nonetheless and continued tirelessly skimming the shelves for my saviour.
The one thing I had longed for remained elusive; there were no recordings of any kind on the Zantronians, how to defeat them or what the bracelet is capable of.
I put the last batch of books back, careful not to disrupt anything - I don’t want anyone to question my motives should I be found here snooping - and slump down onto the couch, closing my eyes for just a minute. The excitement of such a glorious room has long ago worn off and I know that I’m pushing my luck being in here for so long.
Remembering a past meditation session I epically failed at, I try to replicate the coveted inner calm. Drawing in a deep breath I push away all thoughts from my mind, focusing only on the sun filtering through the windows to fall onto my alabaster cheek. I turn my head, enjoying the warmth against my skin and for a fleeting moment I do feel calm, no worries crushing my soul, no thought of inadequacy swarming around my mind, just peacefulness.
My eyes flutter open at the sound of birds flying passed the vast windows and the bright sun nearly blinds me. I jolt my head back, blinking rapidly to dispel the sudden distortion, all peace draining away immediately, being replaced by annoyance, the sudden anger which now hovers beneath my skin, dormant until it needs to strike, starts to stir, ready and willing to come out and play.
Paladin Rising (The Paladin's Curse Book 1) Page 16
