“You’ve seen a side of life that you won’t forget, but rather than focus on that, why not focus on the beauty? A relationship that gave you that little girl in there, a man strong enough to court disfavor with his superiors—and don’t you tell me he isn’t—and a woman driving herself ragged trying to patch you back together again.”
He cocked his head at her words. “You speak to Gia a lot?”
She nodded. Once.
“That’s a new development, isn’t it?”
“Since she came to the house to speak to your father, we’ve tried to make sure I get some one-on-one time with Lexi. Also, I’ve been helping out with her classes.”
He frowned at her tone, as well as her body language. She’d been open and engaging the entire time, her faith and her love for him reaching out like a metaphysical hug. But now, she was closed off, her head bowed and her attention back on the plants. “Why do you say that like I should have a problem with it?”
“I don’t know. Maybe you hold a grudge against me too. I know I should have seen what Robert was doing with Lexi, but I didn’t. I’m no angel. This is the first time you or Gia have ever brought her when we’ve been alone together. When all the family is here, I’m not at my best. I’m usually cooking or trying to keep things organized.” She bit her lip, and in that one gesture, erased the years so he could imagine her as the young girl she’d once been.
In an attempt to diminish her hurt, he hooked his arm around her shoulder and pulled her close. “I never blamed you.”
“No?”
The worry in her gaze hurt him. “No, of course not. I know you’re busy when the whole crowd is here. I know you only have the one set of eyes, and to be honest, it wasn’t down to you. You’re not Dad’s keeper. Plus, I’m her father. I’m the one who should have realized what Dad was doing.
“Lexi is one topic where he’s always been cautious, but even then, he’s too opinionated to withhold his tongue completely. I should have known he was treating her differently, and reacted. If anyone’s to blame, it’s me.”
She sucked in a slow, quivery breath and shook her head as she exhaled. “No, it’s Robert who’s to blame. Not us. We’re not responsible for his actions.”
“No, you have that right.” He pressed another kiss to the crown of her head. “Look, I’ll have a think about what you said. It’s harder than you think…forgetting, I mean.”
She snorted. “You think you have to be a soldier to experience trauma? If you do, then you’re not as wise as I took you to be, Lucas Gray.”
“No, of course I know that,” he admitted. “I didn’t mean to say anything to the contrary, but this is a whole lot of trauma.”
“So is losing three babies, deciding to stop trying for a family, and then have your brother pop up out of nowhere. Jake was a complete surprise. A happy one, and a miracle, but it didn’t make up for the loss of those three babies. I almost carried two to full term,” she ended on a low whisper. “The last one made it into the third trimester. The doctors warned us against trying, so we stopped, and then it happened.” He didn’t realize she’d started to cry until she raised a hand and wiped along the high jut of her cheekbone, smearing a little dirt along the way.
She looked like she’d been painting camouflage on her cheeks, but he said nothing, realizing she wanted to share this story; another one he’d never heard before.
“Loss of any nature hurts, Luke. Be it a loss of faith or a person. In your case, your comrades let you down. They’ve pinned these phony charges on you. You’ve dedicated your life to the army and how have they repaid that? Three letters. OTH.” She shook her head. “It’s disgraceful, and I’m glad Josh is fighting it. If he weren’t, I’d petition the governor. The notion that you could do anything so heinous is ridiculous.”
“Thanks, Ma.” His grin was weak, but it was reassuring to know his family had his back.
Well, his mother did. God only knew what Robert would have to say if Luke started that particular conversation. It was one reason why he avoided his father unless he was with her.
For so long, Robert’s respect had been based on Luke’s exemplary record in the armed forces. Now that was obliterated to smithereens, Luke wasn’t sure he could bear hearing his father’s disappointment. Disliking the man as he did, though he didn’t respect his opinions and didn’t listen to his advice, a part of Luke was still the ten-year-old kid trying to earn his father’s attention and be in his good graces.
“You’re a good boy, Lukey, and you’re a better father, and a brilliant husband. You’ve three people who love you and a family who would do anything for you. Don’t be a statistic, get yourself in gear. Get help. Proper help, and put your life on track.”
As he sucked in a deep breath, inadvertently inhaling the lavender essence his mother wore and the faint tang that came from her work in the greenhouse, he kissed her once more. “All right, Ma. I’ll do as I’m told.”
“Good boy.” She smiled at him. “Now, pass me that manure.”
Chapter Seven
“Where’s Lexi?” Gia peered around Josh’s office door, automatically scanning the room.
Since they’d started homeschooling, Lexi had taken to reading in the oddest places. Once, she’d found her under Josh’s desk while he worked, channeling JFK Jr. under the Resolute desk, and she also had a penchant for the window seat in Luke’s office.
Had he been a regular dad, a businessman, butcher, baker, or candlestick maker, she wouldn’t have minded Lexi being in here with Josh. As it was, he was a brigadier general.
Nothing nice went on in this room.
Well, save for the moments Josh took her by surprise, made her lean over the desk, and fucked her silly.
That was pretty nice. For the adults, at any rate.
Josh squinted up from his laptop, and she realized she’d forgotten to schedule his appointment with the optometrist last month. Spying the deepening lines gathering at his eyes, she determined to arrange it later, but he broke her train of thought by asking, “Lexi?”
She nodded, half wondering what he’d look like with glasses on. Sexy as hell, undoubtedly. Like she needed him to be sexier. “Yeah. Where is she?”
“She was with Luke in the yard the last time I heard.”
She rolled her eyes. He could be irritatingly vague sometimes. “What? This morning?”
He scanned the screen, and she could see the dull black-and-white video footage before he paused it to turn and give her his attention once more.
“Well, neither of them are anywhere in the house,” she remarked when he didn’t answer, folding her arms and leaning against the door.
Damn, when he was all somber and serious, all brigadier generalish, he got her so fucking hot. Add in the prospect of a pair of glasses and… She had to force herself not to shudder at the notion. Now was not the best time, when Lexi and Luke could be any-freakin’-where.
“Have you checked the garage? Is his car still here?”
“I hate that word.”
“Which word?”
“Check. I feel like he’s a junkie and I’m having to make sure he’s not found an old stash of dope hidden around the place.”
Josh snorted. “It’s not that bad.”
She sighed, and leaned a little harder against the door frame. “It’s getting that way.” The words were dragged from her, but they were the truth, and Josh needed to know what was going on in the house.
He’d been so obsessed with clearing Luke’s name that the behavior of the man himself was going completely unnoticed. Well, save for her. She noticed every slight and every shiver. Each time, she wanted to weep, and then, she wanted to rail. The ceaseless flood of emotions was starting to drive her crazy.
“Seriously?”
Gia wanted to grimace at Josh’s lack of awareness, but she was too used to it to show her irritation. “It feels like it. He’s less communicative than before, and I don’t mean earlier this year, I mean since he got home. He’s more sullen
than ever. He barely talks, and if he does, it’s to Lexi. Haven’t you noticed?” She knew he hadn’t, but she had to make a point. When he rubbed the back of his neck, guilt stamped onto his features, she grumbled, “Dammit, Josh. How can you not have noticed?”
“I’ve been busy saving his reputation.”
“For what?” she snapped. “With his injuries, he can never serve again.”
“It’s his name, Gia. It’s a big deal. That kind of discharge is like…it’s like a felony charge on his rep. Do you want him walking around with that on his back? On top of that, he loses all of the recognition due to him. No veteran pension, no benefits, nothing.”
“It’s not like we need his pension.”
“That has zero to do with it. That man served this country, and he served it well. Because some prick, high up, has taken a dislike to him is no reason for him to be thrown out like he’s trash.” His lips firmed into a stern line. “Our husband deserves the best salute farewell this country has to offer. You don’t know what he’s done to make this world a safer place, Gia.”
“No, I don’t. And I’ll tell you why—you never talk about it. Either of you. Do you realize, I still don’t know what it is you do. Where you work. At least with Luke, I knew he was an MP, for Christ’s sake.”
“He was more than that.”
“In what way?”
He sighed. “We shouldn’t be talking about this.”
“No? Then you shouldn’t have mentioned why it was so goddamn important we rescue the man’s reputation but let him flounder.”
“He was a hostage negotiator, all right?”
She frowned. “Why was that so hard to tell me? I’ve heard of them before.” Hell, irony of ironies, she’d actually written a book about one.
“Most of what he did was…well.” He ran a hand through his hair, mussing the neat smoothness of his buzz cut. “It was for the foreign hostages. The ones we see on TV.”
“Is that why he’d disappear sometimes?” It hadn’t been too frequently, because more often than not, he’d been at home since they’d been together. Still, when he’d had to leave in the middle of the night, bang out of nowhere, the excuses and reasons had always been decidedly skimpy. She’d grown accustomed to them though and had learned not to ask. Had even learned not to suffer the miseries of curiosity.
Although, granted, that had been the hardest lesson to learn.
“Yeah.”
“Why couldn’t you tell me?”
“Because no one knows. We kept it that way. Get to the hostage negotiator, maybe mess with his life, and that way you hold the dice.”
“Seriously?”
“Stranger things have happened.”
“But keeping it from me? And don’t think I missed out on the fact you haven’t told me what it is you do.”
“My job’s boring in comparison. I’m a pencil pusher with a uniform.”
Yeah. Right. She scoffed. “That tells me nothing.”
“That’s how I want to keep it. You’re not tarnished by this, Gia. I like that. I want to keep it that way.”
She shook her head. “You’re a jerk, you know that?”
“Yeah. I do. I admit it.”
Nibbling her lip, she murmured, “Should I be nervous he’s gone out with Lexi?” He’d only received the all clear to drive from the doctor a week ago.
“Would you have been before?”
“No. Of course not.”
“Well then, you don’t have to be concerned now.”
“This Luke isn’t the Luke who went away, Josh. You’d have noticed if you weren’t spending half your time buried away in papers.”
He sighed. “What do you want me to do?”
“Nothing.”
“Are you sure?”
“No.” She shrugged.
“Gia!”
“What? I can’t help it.” She hated being uncertain where Luke was concerned. He’d never been the issue before; Josh had. Luke was sensitive, and to a certain extent, emotional and free with those emotions. But he’d been readable, and he hadn’t had a problem expressing himself. Josh was the closed book and the closed mouth. He’d choke before he shared anything.
For Luke to make Josh look expressive? Yeah, it was hard to get used to. Living with two men who kept everything close to their chests was more than hard, it was hell.
She wanted the old Luke back and was terrified he’d be gone forever. And then, when she thought that, she felt guilty. So terribly, horribly, incredibly guilty because Luke didn’t want to be like this either.
What he’d seen, what he’d done…they’d been under orders. Gia tried not to forget that, but it was hard to remember to be patient, to be understanding about what he’d been through when he yelled at her for asking him how his day had been.
“Has he talked to you about seeing a psychiatrist?” she asked, worrying her bottom lip.
“No.” He blinked, then frowned as something occurred to him. “You’re right, actually. He says surprisingly little.”
“Finally, you notice.” When she sniffed, refusing to hide her irritation, he rapped his fingers against the desk.
“I notice things, and it’s taking a while to process. That’s all.”
“I think he should go to a shrink. You need to talk to him about it. The nightmares have started again, and it’s no wonder.”
“He told you about the blast.”
Josh’s bland voice irked her. “Yeah, something you should have done.”
“Do you want to know the details?”
“No. But I need to know something. I need to know what’s going on with him. Otherwise I can’t help, can I?” She folded her arms against her chest. “Something like that, it doesn’t leave you, does it? He needs to talk to someone who can understand.”
“I’ll talk to him about it.”
“Expect to have your tongue bitten off.”
“Ah, you’ve tried already.”
“What do you think, Sherlock?” She shrugged off her mad. Or tried to. When it didn’t work, and knowing she’d said everything she had to say on the topic that was their errant partner, she huffed out, “If you need me, I’ll be in my room.”
He nodded. “Okay.”
A few weeks ago, she’d have gone into the study, kissed him, maybe had a bit of a fondle. She’d have left the room laughing, giggling like a schoolgirl, her cheeks flushed with heat and arousal. Now, she was too tired to peck him on the lips, never mind anything else.
She wasn’t ready for what a kiss could start. Luke’s being there had put a lot of stress on her. Gia was tired, bone-deep, and dealing with all the strained emotions made it seem as though she were meandering through a minefield.
Had Luke talked to her about his ordeal, shared his issues, it would have been easier.
Instead, she was perpetually waiting for the shit to hit the fan. And boy, when it did, the explosion was epic.
Yesterday, she’d opened a can of soup. The scrape of the can-opener had him rearing off his seat, backing away from her as though she were holding an AK-47.
It had to be PTSD. She was no expert, but hell, any veteran who came back from the war and didn’t have it, she didn’t know how.
Problem was, he wasn’t willing to talk about anything that had happened over the last six months. That didn’t come as a surprise, but he wouldn’t talk about Vegas or why they’d had to start homeschooling Lexi either, and she had hoped to convince him to talk to someone else.
No such luck.
And so, heartsore and head starting to ache, she left Josh’s office without having set foot inside. Without kissing him hello or farewell, and without noticing his perturbed frown at the lack of any tender affection on her part.
After she made it to her office, she sank into her chair with a tired sigh. The comforting squeak of the wheels as she rocked slightly, the walls lined with books, the fish tank bubbling away in the corner…all of it made up her little slice of adult heaven. It was where the g
uys thought she sorted out their household budget because she dealt with their personal finances, but it was mostly where she wrote. The comforting space, with its cozy terracotta walls, wood-burning stove come winter, and small snug where she read through her finished manuscripts, held little peace for her.
She was as restless as Josh and Luke. Waiting for something she couldn’t put her finger on, needing for the dust to settle before she could start a spring clean.
Her laptop was on, the word processing program loaded, and the blur of words that made up her latest book glared back at her. Her publisher had been asking after it, and for the first time since she’d started writing, she wasn’t certain if she could make the deadline.
If anything, that revealed her true state of mind: things were bad. Really bad, and she didn’t know how to change them. She didn’t know how to make any of this better. Not for herself or her daughter, or for the men she loved.
The thought, that feeling of impotence, pricked the bubble she’d been using to protect herself, and with it, came the release of emotions she’d done her damnedest to cage.
A keening sound escaped her, a sharp biting wail loaded with her agony. An agony she was sure she didn’t deserve to feel.
Gia hadn’t been the one to witness a violent rape; she hadn’t been the one teaching the Security Forces in the Middle East to successfully negotiate hostage situations. She hadn’t been in an IED explosion, and she hadn’t seen a small child being blown apart.
She didn’t deserve to cry. These tears were selfish, but that didn’t stem the flow. Like a baby, she rocked, pressing her fingers into her eyes to hide from the reality of what was happening here.
A reality she couldn’t change.
When Josh was stressed, she made sure everything was precise. From the creases on his trousers to the precise spaces between the stacked towels in the laundry cupboard.
The Power of Love Page 10
