by Leah Holden
I ordered a coffee with double milk because that last attempt at black coffee had not been pleasurable. I allowed David the privilege of paying for it—because he offered. I figured that arguing about who should pay would only prolong the date.
Now the challenge was to find a seat—maybe somewhere a little bit away from the windows. I headed for the only available secluded table that seemed to be crammed up beside the public washrooms. There was a method to my madness because now we were hidden from full view by an enormous pillar that was presumably supporting the building.
“Hey, Shaniah! Fancy seeing you here.”
I had barely taken two sips out of my coffee when the voice—sounding far too familiar and far too close to my ears—made me jump.
I was confused. I had deliberately selected the one table that should have guaranteed that we were blocked from the view of any normal people. I’d also picked this coffee shop because I knew for a fact that Shellie had sworn off buying coffee from this location. But here she was in the flesh and, having spotted me, she had obviously made a beeline for us. Couldn’t she see I was trying to hide from her?
I forced myself to turn slowly and face Shellie.
“Hey, Shellie,” I smiled—well actually, it was more like a snarl.
“So, long time, girlfriend!”
Not long enough, apparently.
I glared at Shellie because who was she kidding? She knew exactly what she was doing. I would never live this down.
“Yeah,” I said.
Keep the conversation simple. Monosyllables should do the trick.
“So, how have you been?”
As well as I was this morning when you texted me!
“Good. You?”
Shellie, always a bad actor, gave up the pretense and turned to stare openly at my date. David stared back at her—well, he could have been staring; it was kind of hard to decide what was going on with his eye(s).
Shellie looked at me and did a bad job of trying to hide her shock.
“Oh, this is a friend of mine, David,” I said. “David, this is Shellie.” I decided against telling him she was my best friend—used to be my best friend until this particular event!
“Hi David,” said Shellie. I could see that she wanted to ask me questions—questions like: ‘who the hell?’ or ‘what the hell?’ or ‘why the hell?’
“So…Shellie,” I said. “we should do coffee soon.” Which in plain English meant, ‘get lost girl; this here is some pretty embarrassing stuff and you don’t want any part of it!’
“Okay, sure,” she said, playing along as if we didn’t do coffee regularly.
“Oh, and feel free to bring David,” she said smiling warmly at him.
David smiled back at her equally warmly. Apparently, he thought he was getting a deal— two for the price of one.
“Bye, Shellie,” I said with a tight smile. Really, she could be such a bitch!
She grinned broadly at me, “I’ll be talking to you,” she said looking directly at me before turning to walk away.
David’s eye danced merrily in the middle of his face as he watched Shellie’s retreat.
It was time to put him out of his misery.
“So, David,” I said.
He smiled at me hopefully.
I blanched.
Why does this shit always happen to me? Why can’t I meet a normal guy for once; just once, God. Is that so much to ask?
“So David—I think, you know, that I’m looking for someone a bit, well, you know, someone a bit more into kids and stuff.”
“But I like kids.” He positively beamed at me.
“Yes, but you don’t actually have kids,” I said.
All the articles I’d ever read on how to lose a guy in ten minutes always suggest talking about your kids. This was supposed to guarantee glazed over eyes…eye.
It was also supposed to cause a hasty retreat on the guy’s part.
David had apparently not read the articles.
“Well, I’m not averse to having kids,” he said still looking hopeful as if anticipating the kid making activity.
It was enough.
“The thing is, David,” I said, “I don’t think I’m your type.”
Shit! Shit! I’d meant to say ‘you’re definitely not my type’.
“Of course you’re my type,” he reassured me.
“How do you know?”
“Well, I liked your profile…”
“You didn’t actually believe that pile of crap I wrote?” I said. I was taking a leaf out of Jared’s book as I remembered the feeling of disappointment I’d experienced when I’d realized that I’d been conned.
David was undeterred. Jeez, it was really super hard to get rid of this guy. I figured if I showed him how vulgar I could be, he’d back off. All the magazine articles I’d ever read had also stated that men hate women who swear. Old David saw it as one of my more redeeming features.
“Well, yes, I took it quite seriously.” He sounded genuinely offended. My one thought was, ‘Finally, some negative emotions.’ I was relieved because I needed to fall off the pedestal that he clearly had me on. The truth is that I’d actually put a lot of thought into my profile but it had apparently been very effective in snaring a range of undesirables. I hadn’t exactly forgotten Jared.
“Look,” I said, “This was a bad idea. You really don’t want to get mixed up with me; I’m really kinda high maintenance.”
He looked confused and hurt and I felt kind of bad for that. But you know, even with my low self-esteem, I could tell we weren’t going to be an item, so I really needed to start getting through to him via his crocodile hide.
“I think you’re painting yourself out to be much worse than you really are,” he said smiling indulgently at me.
“No, trust me, I’m not.”
Man, this guy was really into me! I was desperate and desperate times called for desperate action. So how did I leave politely?
“Sorry, but I have to go,” I said.
“I was just beginning to enjoy our date,” David said.
He sounded really disappointed. However, in real life, all good things come to an end. This date had not been good but it too had come to its natural end.
I used my index finger and thumb to pinch the bridge of my nose, specifically the point between my eyes.
Get the message first time, dude—I don’t have time to waste. And next time don’t Photoshop out your dodgy eye(s); it is very disheartening to spend the evening with someone who has misrepresented his features. A gal can only take so much.
Then I felt like shit for thinking that—I mean, he couldn’t really help the way he was born, could be? The thought occurred to me that maybe he could be good in bed. You know, if you have challenges looks-wise, you had to have something else going for you! Then I thought about what the poor kid would look like if he actually got me pregnant and the moment passed.
In the end, I figured that if I just got up and left, then he’d have to get the message.
“Goodbye, David,” I said and I grabbed my purse and headed for the door. David took the cue and followed me.
“Can we do this again real soon?”
I reached the car, opened the door and turned to face him.
“Look, I’m really sorry, David, but the thing is, I’m on some pretty strong meds right now, so I’m kinda getting a bit twitchy. If I don’t take them in the next half hour or so, I’m gonna be really screwed up for the rest of the month and then they’ll make me go back to that place; all that therapy and shit. No way am I going through that again.”
“You didn’t tell me you were on medication,” he said and took a step backwards.
“Yeah, I’m sorry about that; maybe I should have told you. I’m a bad person,” I said softly borrowing a line from ‘Kill Bill’.
It had been my experience that men respond to crazy women in one of two ways; they either marry them or they try their damnedest to escape their clutches. Normal females
like me tend to mostly get overlooked.
Now safely in the car, I checked my rear view mirror. David was watching with what could have been disappointment. It was kind of difficult to read his facial expression because it always came back to the eye situation. But the thing is that he made no attempt to stop my progress once he’d thought I was a possible refugee from the local nut house. I was lucky to escape in one piece!
I went home and felt like a real bitch for treating David so badly but pretty soon I got over that too.
So, I could safely say that I was beginning to have second thoughts or maybe even third thoughts about online dating. I was now officially disillusioned. How did people ever hook up seriously like this? All I’d encountered online were a bunch of weird looking guys worthy of only one date; oh and I mustn’t forget about Jared whom I’d counted worthy of more than just the one but who still had not measured up.
How many dates had I been on so far? I had to be near, if not past, my quota of ‘no more than ten’ by now. I was far from being impressed.
I switched on my laptop and pulled up my dating profile. With one click it was gone—deleted! I’d had enough; it was time to give the dating game a complete break.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
“I need to get out of here.”
Shellie’s words jolted me out of my reverie.
I looked around at her.
“Yeah,” I nodded, “let’s say our goodbyes.”
We were seated in Nicole’s parents’ living room trying to process the fact that today was the anniversary of the day that we had buried a good friend, someone’s daughter, sister, wife and mother.
I hadn’t quite dealt with the fact that Nicole, Shellie and I were not going to grow old together. Some friendships formed in the innocent years of childhood were eternal, or so it had seemed. Now, we’d come together to remember Nicole and to release pink and white balloons into the sky.
I imagined that they would connect with her spirit somehow; take our love to her.
I hugged Nicole’s mom and dad and held it together for their sake. I’d always loved the Lawsons but now I felt awkward; kind of guilty that I was here and Nicole was long gone.
I smiled feebly at Nicole’s husband and at their daughter and said a few words of comfort, or at least I hoped they were.
We’d stayed long enough to sample the buffet but it was time to leave before my emotions overcame me.
“Do you want to come back with me for a drink or whatever?”
“Thanks, Shellie, but if it’s all the same with you, I’m going to collect Josh from Mom. She’s been doing an awful lot of babysitting for me lately and I think they freak each other out after a couple of hours.”
Shellie giggled.
“Your mom probably means well but her bible bashing might be a bit much for an eight-year-old.”
“Yeah, and her arthritis was acting up today so she’s probably visiting divine retribution on a poor sinner like Josh.”
“Don’t be too hard on her. She’s loyal and she does really love you guys even though she might not always show it in an obvious way. Plus, as you said, she never says no to baby-sitting.”
Shellie was right. I thought of Mom who’d sacrificed her life for us since dad had died. Mom wasn’t actually that old! Sixty-seven was the new forty, apparently; she just needed to get with the program a bit. Lighten up on her nearest and dearest ones—lose the bible!”
I’d been making a huge effort to be nicer to her lately. Humans are extremely fragile. I needed to value her while I still had a mother. Losing Nicole was like receiving a license to live because life was apparently a very fleeting thing. If we could bury Nicole, anything could happen. All that remained of her were grieving family members and memories. I sighed wearily.
“That poor child has to grow up without a mother,” I said thinking of the daughter Nicole had tried so hard to conceive.
“I know, eh! At least Nicole had the opportunity to experience true love. I never did meet anyone I could even consider marrying. Right now I can’t even find a regular boyfriend.”
I stared at Shellie. She was extremely attractive in a punkish, healthy-looking way. If any of our old gang would be likely to live to a hundred, my bets were on Shellie.
“I hear you,” I said, “But you meet your fair share of guys.”
“I know, but do I want to marry any of the ones I’m meeting? Not really!”
“Yeah, it’s tough getting married these days,” I said.
“At least you’ve nearly been married,” said Shellie. “Okay, so it didn’t work out, but you know at least you could have had the experience and you have Josh. What about me?”
“You were always the sensible one,” I said. “You knew you didn’t want to compromise and you didn’t. I almost married an idiot and a cheat; it kind of cancels out the whole experience.”
Shellie giggled. “I think we need to shake things up a bit,” she said, “We’re in danger of getting old and boring, not to mentioned becoming mentally damaged.”
“Yeah, I hear you.”
Once Shellie had dropped me off home, I headed out to get Josh.
“It gets better with time,” Mom said when I told her that the memorial service had been difficult.
She was a devout stoic and I wasn’t about to try to shift her perspective on life, so I nodded and agreed with her.
Josh hurled himself at me, “Hi, Mom. Grandma wouldn’t let me watch TV. She tried to make me read a story about the end of the world! Are we all gonna die, Mom?”
I stared at mom, horrified.
“You know that kind of stuff gives him nightmares, Mom.”
“I just got him to read the bible portion for the day. It won’t hurt him one bit. It was only about Jonah and the Wale.”
Mom blamed God for everything, good and bad. I wasn’t sure if she saw it as a positive thing either. It was just the way things were, as far as she was concerned, and there was no reasoning with her about it.
“I’d better get on home, Mom. It’s been a long day. Thanks for babysitting.”
Josh gave her a tight hug. I also gave her a quick hug. Mom had never been given to displays of affection when we were kids and it was hard to adopt new habits. However, I needed to make the effort because there was Josh to think about.
We left the house and ran to the car because it had started to drizzle.
Once home, Josh settled in front of the TV to compensate for the hours of deprivation he’d just experienced.
It had been a hard day and I felt like it had aged me somehow. I stared at my reflection in the bathroom mirror.
I accepted that I was still struggling with the fact that Nicole was lying out at Pine Ridge Cemetery. I also accepted the fact that I was likely suffering from stress because of not having really grieved for her properly.
Everyone had seemed so calm, so accepting, so objective—even Shellie seemed to have healed. I seemed to be the only one who was not able to process and accept this new status quo. Oh sure, academically, I knew it was a fact but I was still confused and angry. Maybe I just had problems letting go of things and people. I was not forgetting how long it had taken me to say goodbye to Todd.
I stared at the hint of a wrinkle around my eye. Surely it hadn’t been there yesterday?
When had life become so scary?
Losing Nicole had really been screwing with my mind anyway. She hadn’t been given the chance to age at all. It had been a wake-up call that had forced some of us to face our own mortality.
I knew there had to be some changes. Shellie had been right about that, at least. Things could not just drag on as they had been doing for the last year or two. I needed a workable plan to shake things up and ensure I would achieve my life’s goals.
Surely there had to be some purpose to my daily existence? Sure I was raising Josh and that was my reason for existing at the moment. Yes, I wanted to have more kids—but my plans were being thwarted by my lack of a consistent man an
d I wasn’t inspired by the whole sperm bank option at this stage.
It dawned on me, then, that I might be a little depressed. Maybe until I fixed what was wrong with me, no man, and definitely no baby, was going to make me happy. I was always going to have this hollow feeling inside.
I wasn’t completely abandoning the baby idea for good. I thought of the pleasure I got from raising Josh. Could you imagine if I had two kids? That would mean twice the love.
Right then I just knew that at some point the baby would have to take center stage again but maybe this wasn’t the ideal time.
I tried to smile at my reflection, but the smile never quite reached my eyes. Still, it was an attempt to smile and I preferred working on my smile than crying. Maybe I’d take Josh for ice-cream. Screw the diet—you had to live a little.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
“Oh for the love of God,” said Shellie, “Are you a man or a mouse? Just call him already!”
“I’m a mouse,” I said shrinking lower into my chair.
Shellie groaned, “Look, if you don’t call him, I’ll be truly mad at you and I’ll refuse to listen to another word you have to say about him or any other man, ever.”
“Alright, alright, jeez,” I said. “Just give me a chance.”
“There’s no time like the present. If you can go out with David in public, you can surely call Jared. At least he looks fairly normal—way better than normal.”
I had been wondering how long it would take for her to remind me of my latest bad date.
“Do I really have to call him?”
“Yes, you do. I think you’ll regret it if you don’t. And don’t forget to call me right back to let me know how it goes.”
I took a deep breath.
“Okay, wish me luck.”
Once I’d ended the call with Shellie, I considered my position for a few minutes. On the one hand, it had been a grueling week and I could use the distraction. On the other hand, did I really want to start up with the raised expectations with Jared again? But hadn’t I discovered from my date with David that it wasn’t so easy to meet a normal looking man? If I didn’t at least follow through with Jared, would I come to regret it?
