by Beth Moore
“Really?” Lynn looked Sam straight in the eye. “I hold the mortgage on your house.”
Sam’s face turned white. Lynn bumped the woman’s shoulder with her own as she walked past and out the door. Sam didn’t try to stop her.
Sam heard the door slam behind her. Lynn could be a real bitch sometimes, but she had never seen her act out as she just had.
She turned to meet Beth’s eyes. “Did you have any idea?”
Beth shook her head. “I knew that she was having a hard time getting financing for us, but…”
Sam walked over and slowly lowered herself onto the couch. Beth joined her and put her arm around her partner’s shoulder.
“So, now that the shoe is on the other foot, you might understand what I’m going through,” Chris stated.
Just then the phone rang. Neither Sam nor Beth budged. The answering machine clicked on; the voice on the other end of the line was familiar.
“God, you guys, I am so sorry!” Lynn apologized. “I really embarrassed myself back there. I’m afraid that this whole situation has taken a real toll on me. I know that’s no reason to take it out on you, I’m really sorry. Please forgive me.” After a moment of´silence, the voice continued shakily, “And Chris, honey, if you’re listening, I don’t want to end our relationship with angry words between us. Look, what I should have said is that I love you. I’m head over heels for you. I thought you felt the same way and your words really hurt me. You’ve got to understand that I can’t just be friends with you now. It just hurts too much. I really just need to stay away from you. God, please don’t hate me… bye.”
Beth softy smiled at Sam. “Really, she was just trying to help us out.”
Sam shrugged, stood, and wandered out of the room. Beth moved over to sit beside Chris.
“You believe her, don’t you? You don’t really think this was a game to her?”
Chris stared out into space. “I don’t know what I think anymore.” Pausing, she lowered her eyes. “Why did this have to happen? I was content with the way things were.”
“Were you, really? You didn’t want any more out of your relationship with her?”
“Beth, I’m not a lesbian,” Chris stated, although she was unsure that was true.
Beth softly smiled. “Hmm… I just thought I saw something between you two when you came over last week. I must have been wrong.” Then, tilting her head trying to see into Chris’s eyes, she asked, “Was I wrong?”
Chris’s face turned red. She was not ready to discuss this topic. She was certainly not ready to admit anything.
Getting no response, Beth continued along the line of questioning. “So, I guess I don’t understand, are you upset because you think that she lied to you, or because of her feelings for you, or because she thought you had feelings for her?”
Chris shrugged in response.
“Okay, let’s take one thing at a time. Do you think that she’s a different person than she led you to believe?”
“Well, not really a different person…”
“Tell me what you know about her, and I’ll tell you if she’s different than she led you to believe.”
Chris thought a minute. “No, you tell me about what she’s really like, then I’ll know that you’re not just agreeing with me.”
“Okay,” Beth nodded. “She has her good points, she’s kind, caring, always willing to help someone out, sensitive to people’s needs.”
Chris nodded in agreement.
Beth continued, “But she has her bad points, she’s stubborn and headstrong, she has a bad temper… which we all saw tonight. She’s extremely intelligent, athletic, she has a really great ass…”
Chris looked at her in contusion. “That’s a bad thing?”
Beth blushed. “It is when you’re already married!” she said, elbowing Chris in the side. “Have you ever noticed how defined her thigh muscles are? Sometimes, I ask her to get me something just so I can watch her walk across the room!” Beth exclaimed.
“Yeah, and her arms are so strong, when they’re around you, you feel so safe and warm… and then she looks at you, and you just get lost in her eyes…” Chris stopped, realizing what she had said.
Beth softly smiled and continued the conversation, “And those lips, I bet they’re soft, huh?”
“I don’t know, I never could…” Chris answered, lost in thought.
“But you wanted to?” Beth questioned in a soft voice.
Chris lowered her eyes, slowly shook her head, and whispered so only Beth could hear, “That would make me a lesbian.”
Beth put her arm around Chris’s shoulder and pulled her close. “Well, it sounds to me like you have feelings for Lynn. I think that’s what you need to concentrate on, not on the fact that you have feelings for a woman.”
Chris smiled through her tears. As she pulled out of the embrace she looked Beth straight in the eye. “You don’t really have a thing for Lynn, do you?”
Beth smiled and shook her head. “Sam’s the only woman for me.” Then she added teasingly, “But if anything ever happened to Sam, Lynn just might be my second choice.”
The three sat down to enjoy the dinner Beth had prepared.
“I’m glad you decided to stay. I made enough enchiladas for an army!” Beth said.
“I can never pass up Mexican food,” Chris explained as she helped herself to a heaping portion.
Sam was still in her own thoughts as she quietly helped herself. Beth had tried to get her to lighten up earlier but was unsuccessful. The three ate in silence.
Chris was going over the conversation she had had with Beth in her mind. She couldn’t help but concentrate on the fact that she had feelings for a woman, and she still wasn’t sure it was love.
“So, were you lesbians when you met each other?” she asked her dining companions.
Sam almost choked when posed the question. “Didn’t Lynn tell you how we met?”
Chris shook her head as she took another bite.
Beth spoke first. “Sam is my former sister-in-law,”
It was Chris’s turn to choke. “Really? This sounds like a good story!”
Sam smiled as she began. “Well, my brother and I never quite got along. He could never accept the fact that his sister was a dyke, so he basically pretended I didn’t exist.”
“She wasn’t even invited to the wedding!” Beth added.
Sam nodded and continued, “My parents were furious with him. As a gesture of good faith, he accepted an invitation to Christmas dinner, even though he knew I would be there.”
“So the first time you met was at Christmas? How long had it been since the wedding?” Chris asked curiously.
“Almost a year,” Sam answered and proceeded with the story. “So here it was Christmas—”
“Wait, wait, you have to fill her in on what had happened that year,” Beth interrupted and then explained, “During that time, I had a miscarriage. Robert, her brother, was really upset. Blamed the whole incident on me. Said I had worked too much during the pregnancy. Anyway, I’m ashamed to admit it but the whole situation drove me to drink. I had just started going to AA meetings when Christinas rolled around.” Turning to Sam she said, “Okay, honey, go on…”
“So here it was Christmas,” Sam continued the story, “Beth and Robert arrived, we were introduced, and then he pulls out this bottle of wine and proceeds to uncork it. Well, I had heard about Beth being a recovering alcoholic, and told him that I thought it was really insensitive of him to drink in front of her. That didn’t go over too well with him, but I guess it made quite an impression on Beth.”
“It was like we instantly connected. We spent the rest of the day laughing and joking. This made Robert really angry, but I didn’t really care. We were having serious problems at the time, so I basically ignored him,” Beth explained.
“So anyway, six months go by and I don’t hear a word. Then all of a sudden one day, I get this phone call,” Sam exclaimed.
Beth contin
ued the story, “I had gone by to tell Sam’s parents that I had filed for divorce. I thought that it was going to be a really awful situation, but they weren’t really surprised at all. In fact, when I told them that I was moving out the next day, they suggested that I call Sam for help. Can you believe it? Her parents actually pushing us together like that?”
Sam smiled and reached for Beth’s hand. “So she calls me and asks if I can come help her move some of her things. We spent the day moving her stuff to an apartment and then she asks me if I would go out and help her celebrate. Not just the divorce, but six months of sobriety.”
Beth laughed. “Then she had to tell me that she owned a bar. That went over real big with me, but we worked it out. Three months later, I broke my lease and moved in with Sam.”
Chris shook her head in disbelief. “So your family is cool with the whole thing?”
Sam looked at Beth and they both laughed. “My parents are fine with it. But boy is Robert pissed!”
“Yeah, especially since I kept his last name. Now Sam and I are like a real married couple. The same last name and everything!”
Sam got up from the table to get another soda. Chris leaned over and quietly asked, “So if you weren’t a lesbian when you met Sam, how did you make the decision to become one?”
Beth put her fork down, looked into space, and smiled. “I fell in love.” Turning to Chris she added, “I had never really been in love before I met Sam. Whatever I felt for Robert, at the time I thought it was love, but it wasn’t. I made a connection with Sam… I still can’t explain it… I just felt it.”
“Yes, I inspired her,” Sam admitted as she walked back into the room.
“Inspired her?” Chris asked, not understanding what she had meant.
“Didn’t you know? Beth is an artist. And she says that I’m her inspiration.” Sam smiled.
“An artist? You didn’t do the painting hanging in Lynn’s living room, did you?” Chris asked in amazement.
Beth blushed and nodded. “That’s always been one of my favorites.”
“That painting makes me feel so peaceful. I love it,” Chris remarked, then sighed. “I’m really going to miss it when I leave.”
Beth looked at Sam and shrugged. They had given it their best try. But this was something that took time; it was no good to rush Chris into anything as life-changing as this. Beth understood, Sam understood, and through it all, they knew that Lynn understood it, too.
Chapter Twenty
Chris pulled up in front of a local pub and climbed out of her car. After swearing she would not spend another night alone in the house, she planned to meet some friends. She had been there once, maybe twice, but still had trouble finding the place. As she walked in, she scanned the area for the group. Finally, Erica stood and waved to her. The rest of the women followed suit. Chris had known several of the women for a couple of years, the others only months.
“Well, long time no see, stranger!” Robyn shouted above the noise.
Chris pulled out a chair and sat down. “Oh, you know me, my head’s always in the books!” She hadn’t told any of them about the charade that she was participating in; she wasn’t close enough to any of them to consider it their business.
“If you want a drink, you’ll have to go to the bar. We waited forever for someone to take our order and finally gave up,” Linda commented.
Chris nodded and stood. “Anyone else want anything while I’m there?” After taking orders, she weaved through the crowded room and shouted out her request.
“Hey, haven’t I seen you at the Rainbow Room?” asked the woman behind the bar as she wiped the counter.
Chris’s face turned red as she looked over at her friends at the table to make sure they weren’t watching.
The woman apologized, “I’m sorry. Playing it straight tonight?” Chris fumbled with the money in her hands. Not receiving a response, the woman continued, “Yeah, I have to play it straight here, too, otherwise I wouldn’t get the big tips.”
Chris nodded nervously, then reached for the drinks that had been placed on the counter.
“Well, here you go.” The bartender handed her the last bottle. “Oh, and tell your friend Erica that I said hello.”
Chris looked at her curiously and made her way back to the table with their drinks. Setting the glasses on the table, Chris looked over to Erica. “The bartender says hello.”
Erica turned around, caught the eyes of the woman, smiled shyly, and then quickly turned back to her friends.
“How do you know her?” Kelli questioned.
Lowering her eyes, Erica ran a finger around the rim of her glass, then shrugged.
“What?” Kelli insisted, “What’s the big secret?”
Erica leaned in close. “Believe it or not, I slept with her once.”
Chris tried to hide the shock she was feeling.
Almost in unison, the women asked, “Really?”
“God, guys! Don’t act so shocked!” Erica exclaimed. “It was one time!”‘
“So… why… how did it happen?” Robyn asked. Her question was closely followed by Linda’s, “And how was it?”
“I don’t know how it happened… right place at the wrong time… wrong place at the right time…” Erica sofdy smiled and leaned in closer. “But it was incredible.”
“I can’t believe it,” Amy said in disgust as she collapsed back into her chair. “With a woman?”
Linda rolled her eyes. “Oh, come on, Amy, it’s 2005! Anything goes!”
“Yeah,” Robyn agreed. “We haven’t had much luck with men.”
The women all nodded and laughed.
“I have only one question,” Kelli said, intrigued by the subject. “If it was so incredible, why did it only happen once?”
Erica looked at her friends, then traced the condensation on the glass before her. Suddenly she stood. “You know what? You’re right!” Erica put her hand on Chris’s shoulder. “Thanks, guys.”
Just as Erica began to walk toward the bar, Kelli shouted, “Ask if she has a friend!” The group laughed and Erica stuck out her tongue.
Chris watched Erica as she took a seat at the bar, whispered in the bartender’s ear, and seductively touched the woman’s hand. She was surprised at how her friends reacted. Question after question ran through Chris’s mind. Was this some kind of sign? Why had it been so easy for Erica? And why couldn’t it be that easy for Chris? Maybe because Chris knew that if she slept with Lynn, it would have to be the beginning of a relationship. She couldn’t sleep.with Lynn unless she knew for sure that she was in love with her. It would break Lynn’s heart if it turned out to be just a one-night stand. Who was she kidding? It would hurt them both.
Chris sat quietly and listened to the group of women chatter. None of the topics, mostly gossip, interested her. But suddenly— she caught a glimpse of something familiar. The back of a woman, the same posture, the same hairline as Lynn. Could it be? She watched intently for several minutes, hoping the woman would come closer, would turn. But Chris’s heart dropped when she realized it wasn’t Lynn.
The whole situation put a damper on her mood. Chris stood and began to excuse herself. “I’m going to go—”
“Oh come on, Chris! Don’t be a party pooper!” Kelli interjected.
“I know, I know,” Chris said.
“What could possibly compete with the good time we’re having here?” Robyn questioned. “Or should I say who?”
Chris smiled sarcastically. The question reminded her of Lynn and their time together. And all the other questions about their relationship that seemed to consume her energy. She did the only thing she could do, she blamed her leaving on her studies.
“All work and no play—” Linda began.
Chris held up her hand to stop her in mid-sentence. “I play plenty, girls, you’re just not privy to the details!” she quipped.
“Ohhh!” the women chorused, then said their good-byes.
Chris returned to a quiet house. Th
e silence almost deafening, she flipped on the television and settled on the couch. If she tried really hard she could still smell Lynn’s scent on the afghan that she pulled over her. The week was quickly coming to a close, along with Matt’s charade. The thought both saddened and scared her. If she didn’t make a decision about her feelings toward Lynn in the next two days, she was afraid she’d never see her again.
She heeded to talk to someone. Someone who really knew her, understood her. Chris’s first thought was Scott. He was not only an occasional lover but also a good friend. They had known each other for years. Both had grown up as military brats. He—as well as her parents—had always thought that they would marry. But Chris, no matter how hard she tried, could not love him the way he deserved to be loved. And so, they remained friends, and sometimes more. Making the decision to call Scott in the morning, she closed her eyes and let the comforting dialogue of the “I Love Lucy” show lull her to sleep.
Chapter Twenty-One
Chris dialed the number at the military base and after being put through several departments, finally heard his voice.
“Chris? My God! Where have you been?” Scott questioned. “Did you move again or something?”
“No… I’ve just been really busy,” Chris answered. “I’m sorry that I haven’t called you in a while, but it’s really important that I talk to you about something.”
“Okay,” he said hesitantly. “What about?”
“Can I come over today after you get off work? I’d really like to talk to you in person.”
“Are you all right?” Scott asked.
“Yes, yes, I just need to talk to you. You’re still the best friend that I have, Scott. I’ll even bring a six-pack of your favorite.”
“Hmmm… nice words, alcohol…” Scott chuckled. “You’re buttering me up for something. But I’m a sucker for a cute girl, so tonight it is.”
Chris smiled as she hung up the phone. She knew she could depend on him. He was always honest without being judgmental. It was the quality she appreciated most in him. Hopefully, he wouldn’t disappoint her tonight.
Meanwhile, Lynn was at her hotel and received a call from Todd, her office assistant.
